


1995

by Suchsmallhands



Category: Original Work
Genre: 1990's, Abuse, Adventure, Alcohol, Bilingual Character(s), Boys Like Girls - Freeform, Comfort, Consent, Dissociation, Drug Use, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, I'll be really honest half of this was started because of, Inspired by the music I was listening to at the time, Italian, Italy, LGBTQ Themes, Language, London, M/M, Multilingual Character, Music, Oasis, Opposites Attract, Original Character(s), Original Fiction, Rape/Non-con Elements, Soulmates, Spain, Thailand, Travel, United States, Violence, Young Love, a whole lot of countries, also the other end of that spectrum, and all those 90's bands, fire and water, just a lot of angst and sadness, moon and the sun, set in the 90's, they have no idea what I'm going to do to them, they're so different, twin flames
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-01
Updated: 2015-10-13
Packaged: 2018-04-12 09:11:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 68
Words: 127,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4473602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Suchsmallhands/pseuds/Suchsmallhands
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carter is the stillness at the bottom of the ocean, and the only thing that was able to stir a current was Louis. He loves deeply and unconditionally and Carter would wait for him, if he had to.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>  <em>He still remembers thinking that night about angels.</em><br/><em>How some people say if you saw an angel you'd be burned alive, or was it God. He felt like that sometimes, that if he just stared for too long, that someday his soul would sear away in blinding white fire. It was how he would want to die. To look at Louis until his soul burned apart into the universe, dissipating until he was nothing.</em><br/><em>Until he felt nothing but love.</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 8tracks playlist: http://8tracks.com/thisshipsailsitself/1995-1
> 
> This is original. But based off of some other things. A lot of inspiration for this came from other Archive stories, so thanks all authors. I've wanted to put this story on this site for a long time, and I love this website, so here it is. I don't claim to know anything about disassociation, this is just the way I wanted Carter to be.  
> Also, I'm aware that the writing this isn't very good, but it gets better by the end. (Work in progress still.)
> 
> I'm ALSO aware that there are things that don't make sense about the other countries. Like snow in the region near Paris, I know that it is not that common but there are many things like that in this story that I'm uneducated in. It's half not knowing and half liberties taken by me. So if there are things for the foreign countries that you notice, that's why.  
> If you read, please feel free to comment, always, no matter what. Thanks.
> 
> (This is complete fiction, I've never lived in any of the countries mentioned.)

Carter met Louis Grey in 1995, the eighth grade. There isn't much he remembers from eighth grade except for that day. Every day after school he waited at the small store, a block from his middle school, where his mother picked him up most days. The store sold furniture, and curtains, house things like that; but mainly Carter remembers the way it smelled the way fake flowers do.  
A small town meant Carter could walk about half a mile down the highway and he'd be at the high school, where he'd be in about a year.  
The day was rainy, and so cold it would snow within the next few weeks. The meeting was short and simple. Not much to remember. Carter stood just outside the building, waiting as he did most days. When the sliding door opened a thirteen year old came out of the store, and paused noticing Carter. He may not have made eye contact with him if it weren't for the small doorway and the fact that Carter was standing half way in it.  
He was the same height as Carter. The cold gave them both rose cheeks and finger tips. He had blue eyes, and naturally black hair which made him slightly unusual, but other than that not much out of the ordinary. Except for the tufts of black hair sticking out in different directions.  
Normally Carter would shift his eyes from the stranger, but he looked for about one second too long.  
"What are you doing out here?"  
Carter stared for a moment, his eyes glancing from the boy's face to his hair and back.  
"Um.."  
"What?" He asked, his blue eyes giving an inspecting look to Carter.  
"I wait here..." He mumbled. The boy's head tilted slightly to the left.  
"For what?" Carter shifted, his expression blank, if not slightly frazzled.  
"My mom. She picks me up, after school."  
This seemed to satisfy the young stranger, and his eyes widened slightly with idle curiosity. He stepped forward, as if deciding he was going to stay now that he felt comfortable.  
"My name is Louis." He smiled, a charming little confident smile. "What's yours?"  
"Carter." He murmured back, looking indiscreetly at the messy hair.  
"What are you looking at?" Louis asked.  
"Your hair is.. fluffed up." Louis reached up and patted himself with is hands. His eyes widened and he giggled pushing it down.  
"Did I fix it?" Louis smiled at Carter. Carter, still staring with little to no expression, yet clearly paying attention, shook his head.  
"No.. there's still a spot left." Louis' tongue poked out slightly and he ducked his head, messing with it for a moment. When he looked back with a wide cheeky grin his hair was absolutely wrecked, sticking up in a ruffled manner. This earned a small shyly amused smile from Carter and Louis returned it doubled, clearly satisfied in his ability to get the smile from his stranger.  
"It's worse." Carter's voice was quiet, but more comfortable than before. Louis, still grinning, fixed it.  
"Now?" Carter nodded. Louis smiled, showing teeth.  
"You sure don't talk much." Carter felt the instinct to respond to the attention, something he didn't normally feel. He shrugged.  
"I don't know." Louis smiled.  
Then Carter's mother arrived, pulling up to the empty store and the empty drive way.  
"I have to go.."  
"Have a good day, Carter." Louis let him leave with a smile, and Carter left.  
It wasn't for another year and a half that he would see Louis again. And it wasn't for longer still until he would know why his hair was so messy or why he was at a furniture store with no backpack even though it wasn't even an hour after school had released. 

-

Time passed and the next time they met they were fifteen in freshmen year. Carter was leaving the library, and as he rounded the corner he was met with Louis' body. Carter tensed shifting back and looking anywhere but the stranger. Louis reached forward without thinking to touch the side of Carter's arm, stabilizing him.  
"Sorry, I didn't see you, head in the clouds." Louis laughed. Carter glanced up, and looked at Louis recognizing him. Louis' eyes flashed with simple pleasure, smiling at Carter.  
"Hey, it's you, I know you! You're furniture store kid." Carter nodded, his eyes showing his attention to Louis. Seemingly not opposed to the name he was given.  
"What's your name, I forgot?"  
Louis' face had grown a bit, but neither of them had changed drastically besides the normal. Carter still had deep brown hair, and soft grey eyes. So Carter remembered Louis' name, and even remembered his hair.  
"It's Carter. I remember you too." Louis nodded.  
"That's right, you don't like talking to people. Well I'm still Louis." He joked.  
"No, I don't. I mean, I do. I don't know.." Carter frowned, realizing that in truth he didn't talk to people much at all.  
Louis gave him a good humored amused look.  
"Don't get yourself worked up" He chuckled. Carter's shoulders relaxed and gave Louis a small smile.  
"Where are you going?" Louis asked. It was about fifteen minutes after school had ended and the halls were almost empty.  
"To the furniture store." Carter put his hands in his pockets and watched Louis.  
"Mind if I come? Nothing else to do." Louis smiled. Carter nodded.  
"No, I don't mind." Carter didn't know why he didn't mind. The boy seemed well enough to him, he supposed.  
Louis walked with him to the furniture store, and they waited for his mother together. Louis talked to Carter and Carter responded in the ways that he naturally did, which Louis didn't mind at all. Carter didn't recognize this, because he didn't recognize the fact that most people couldn't communicate with him. So who was he to notice the difference? 

-

A few weeks passed and they got into their routine. They talked during lunch time and in the halls. They both got quite well at passing notes, and Louis quickly discovered that Carter spoke a little more in writing than with his mouth, though only a little. They had fun, and though Louis had fun with most people, Carter had fun with Louis. Mostly they enjoyed each other's company. Their freshmen year continued and they did it as friends. Louis was loud and funny. He usually had people that enjoyed listening and laughing with him, he was a person people were comfortable around, and he usually got himself and others in trouble for something he thought up. Carter was made to laugh more with Louis than with anyone else that he knew, and Louis enjoyed this. Louis talked to Carter about most things and so did Carter to Louis. Carter's mother eventually picked up both him and Louis and took them home, so before long Louis just went home with Carter and then walked home when he was ready. Carter's room became more dirty than it had ever been with Louis' company, and they spent most of their time watching movies and playing outside.  
Carter talked a little bit more, mostly to Louis, and freshmen year was fun.  
Louis called them best friends and it made Carter's chest warm. Even though he didn't know what best friends meant, he supposed it meant that they were each other's favorites. He certainly thought Louis was his favorite.


	2. Chapter 2

At the end of freshman year the seniors were throwing a party everyone was invited to. Louis had been asked to go to it by a few friends but one girl was insistent. Carter remembers because she sat with Louis at lunch for a week before asking Louis to go to the party. Carter sat with Louis at lunch everyday, and Louis' friends usually came and went as they pleased, enjoying Louis' warm light.   
After a week the girl asked Louis.  
"So you must have heard about Connor Maison's party, right?" Louis, stopped playing with Carter's food and replied.  
"I think so.. I don't know who he is." He laughed. Carter didn't like the girl's body language, the way her legs faced Louis and she touched her face.   
"So you're not going?" Louis shrugged, trying not to be distracted by the other people at the table as they threw paper at each other.   
"I don't think so. I don't know him, so no." The girl shifted.  
"Everyone is going, like... Literally the whole school is invited, it's the end of the year party." Louis gave her a funny look.  
"Why?" She frowned.  
"I don't know, he's the line backer for the foot ball team. Everyone goes." Louis looks at Carter and smiles jokingly.  
"Should we go, Cassie?" Carter shrugged, looking at Louis. Louis made a funny face and looked at the girl, shrugging animatedly, clearly repeating Carter.  
"Sorry, Jenna, looks like the verdict is out."   
"Some of your friends are going anyways. You could go with me." Carter watched her, before watching Louis instead. He thought it was a tiny bit too bold for her.   
"I'll think about." Louis gave her that much. 

-

June 5th came faster than Carter expected it to.   
The bell rang on the last day of their freshman year and Carter wondered where Louis was.   
When he walked out of his classroom teenagers all crowed and talked louder than ever before, throwing paper and no one's face wasn't split in a smile. The halls were filled to the brink and Carter was shuffled, he watched the people. He saw their excitement and their unity. He noticed the people who were in love, the way they held onto each other and touched in what ways were possible. Carter saw the blatantly happy people who were laughing, some being rough and playful, shoving each other into people in the crowd. Normally Carter knew this would aggravate someone, but today he saw the way they all just laughed. He saw the girls who planned incessantly, for what they would do now that they weren't seeing each other five days a week.  
But what caught Carter's eyes today was the sad people. The way they cried and hugged a lot. They hugged in the way people hug when saying good bye; tightly and with their whole bodies, not just their arms. The sad couples kissed and held hands. But some of them just held hands and stared at the floor looking numb, and like they didn't know what to do. They walked through a room that was intoxicated with a singular feeling of excitement, and yet were virgins to it's effect completely. It seemed like they were afraid to touch each other. Like if they kissed, they would be acknowledging what they were both thinking. Carter supposed this must be a sad thing.  
Just before the crowd began to thin as they reached the front doors, a hand grabbed Carter's arm like a vice and Carter looked behind him. Ducking out of the crowd with a sparkling grin, Louis held onto Carter's arm with both hands. Carter smiled at him.   
"You okay?" Louis called, his voice quite raised to be heard to Carter. Carter nodded to him, holding his hands against his arm and bracing him when a tall boy was shoved into Louis by his friends. Louis cackled and followed Carter to the exit, where the doors were being held open by a constant flow of students. Carter led them away from the concentration of people, standing by the brick walls of the school, eyes on Louis. Usually it rained in their state. Most of the time it did, the skies heavy with their clouds, drenching the thick, deep green forests. But today as teenagers fled from their school, and some stayed as if not sure what they would do now, the sky was clear. The sun was gentle and bright. Louis' eyes were ablaze in the eight minute old light from a star miles away.  
His friends were all happy and bright, hugging him and talking to him, telling him to hang around during the summer. Some of them even said goodbye to Carter, hugging him in an uncomfortable squeeze that he didn't know how to return. They seemed to happy to care, hugging Louis' bestfriend because he had been there all year long.   
They left the school that day, walking together to the furniture store, with a few friends tagging along to chat with Louis. No one wanted to let go, he supposed.  
The furniture store was open and they stayed outside until Carter's mother came to get them. Louis and Carter drove home, and when they got there Louis took them both to go swimming in the river, riding their bikes and dropping them on their sides when they left the road.   
The summer was as young as they were.   
And Louis never went to the party. 

-

June 26th was the day Louis first learned about Carter's summers and how they would be going.   
They both sat on Carter's couch in the basement. The tv was playing the Lion King, and Louis was sitting with his back against Carter's shoulder. The light filtered in through the ground level window, dim and gentle. The basement had cozy, cheap surroundings. The thread-bare carpet was worn down most in front of the small, blurry, box tv. The coffee table was just in front of the couch. The couch had duct tape and blankets and it was soft. Junk littered the room along with the washing machine. Louis shifted to get comfortable, before murmuring in a relaxed tone.   
"Hey, you want to go to Jasey's house next week?" Carter looked at Louis, what he could see of his face.   
"What's there?"   
"Jasey and Alexia repair go-karts and race them in the field behind the bridge, the broken old one."   
"Sure.. That sounds fun." Louis smiled, looking up at Carter. It wasn't lie, but it wasn't exactly true either. Carter wouldn't be at a race if it weren't for Louis, and he really wouldn't even care about it at all. But Louis made things fun, and Carter wanted to go wherever he went.  
"I'd be fine with doing things you want to do you know."   
"No, I like doing the stuff you want to." Carter gave him an honest look.   
"You'll tell me when you want to do something, right?" Carter nodded vigorously.   
"Yeah."   
"Good." Louis relaxed again, watching the movie again.   
"Can we watch Pocahontas together?" Carter asked.  
"Pocawhat?" Louis giggled, making Carter grin.   
"Pocahontas, it's about the indian.. from a long time ago. Disney just made it.. We can get it on VHS.. and watch it together.. That's what I want to do, I guess." Louis nodded.  
"Yeah, that sounds awesome, I didn't know they were making another one. How did you find out?"   
"Mom, she told me we could buy it."   
"The faith in Disney is strong." Louis laughed and Carter smiled wider.   
"Yeah, we'll watch it as soon as it comes out." Carter frowned.   
"Well, we have to wait... I can't watch it until August, I'll be gone." Louis turned his head.   
"What?"   
"I'll be gone with my dad... It's his month." Louis' brow furrowed, he sat up and turned to face Carter, crossing his legs.   
"You're going away, for the whole month?" Carter's brows pulled in a little, his face turning slightly guilty looking.   
"I mean... yeah. I thought you knew." Louis frowned more.  
"Knew? I've never even met your dad before, I thought he wasn't around."   
"He lives in Florence so he can't come see me when he's supposed to." Carter put his hands in his lap, squeezing his index finger.   
"Well, where is Florence, can't I come with you?" Louis tipped his head slightly. To him he could just come with Carter. Easy and simple, right?   
"It's in Europe.. That's across the ocean so... I don't know." Carter frowned more as his mind began to process this with Louis at the same time. He hadn't even thought about any of this until now. He knew it, he just hadn't understood what it would mean. Louis was still.   
"How will we talk?" He mumbled.   
"I don't know. You can send me notes, like in school.. I'd like that." Louis turned away from Carter, leaning back against the couch.   
"You didn't even tell me..." Louis' voice held no accusation in it, only quiet disappointment. But it was deeper than just disappointment.   
"I'm sorry..." Carter mumbled, still watching Louis intently. "I didn't mean to forget.. I'll come back in August, and we can talk on the phone sometimes, if dad will let me." Louis crossed his arms, as if to reject this new understanding.   
"It's okay.." Carter felt like it wasn't okay.   
"Sorry I didn't say anything before." Louis looked down.  
"It makes me worry when you do that. How much do you just not say.." The question was rhetorical.   
"I just didn't think about it. I don't hide anything, I promise." Louis' jaw twitched and he pulled the blanket off of the arm of the couch, shuffling into it and laying down with his legs in Carter's lap. He pulled the pillow off the coffee table and laid his head down, staring at the tv. Carter felt unhappiness at Louis' somber chagrin. Louis sighed deeply from the bottom of his lungs and Carter held onto his legs.   
"It's fine, we'll just figure it out." Louis mumbled, his head heavy against the pillow.   
On the screen Simba tried to wake his father from a kind of sleep he didn't understand.


	3. Chapter 3

The night before Carter left for the summer Louis shut the door to his bedroom. He pulled Carter with him and they lay on the bed face down, their heads turned toward each other. Carter lay there for minutes before he reached the distance and took Louis' hand. Louis held it back and turned on his side facing Carter, curling into a ball.   
Carter felt like the summer was ending. 

-

July past and August came before long.   
The month in Florence was only broken by letters. Louis stayed away from Carter's house unless he was bringing a letter for his mother to send. Carter had asked him why he didn't want to speak and he had said he didn't want to bother his mother.   
Carter spent his time thinking of Louis. He felt a lot less, and he spoke even less.   
When Carter came back he waited at his house for an hour, dropping his stuff in his room and going to sit on the door step. Carter's mother told him not to wait for Louis, that he may be a while. Carter knew better.   
An hour and ten minutes past and a car drove into the driveway, in the front seat was a teenage boy and his friend. Out of the car Louis came and as the car pulled away he hugged Carter around the neck and without saying hello. Carter felt like he was awake again, and he hugged back with a smile.   
Louis backed up and looked at Carter frowning. More specifically, he looked upwards at Carter.   
"What happened to your legs?" He looked him up and down. Carter smiled softly.  
"I grew a little." Louis raised his eyebrows.  
"More than a little." Carter looked at Louis as well and saw he hadn't really grown, but his face was older looking.   
Carter didn't say anything but he noticed a difference in his mannerism as well. He was a small bit less... optimistic, it seemed. Carter saw it in is eyes, and felt it in his air. Carter realized that if he had spoke on the phone he would have heard the difference in his voice. Seemed like Carter had grown taller and Louis had grown different. 

-

The first thing that they did in August was watch Pocahontas on VHS in the basement, just the way Louis had promised Carter that they would do together. Louis slumped against Carter and lay his head against his arm. Carter thought about the changes in Louis' attitude.

-

Louis took Carter to the Rocky Horror Picture Show that month for the first time. The air was warm and at night Louis got a ride with his friends and took Carter, sitting him in the car next to him. Carter had grown comfortable again throughout the month, being with Louis.   
Louis sat them in the middle rows and Carter payed more attention to what Louis was saying to him than where he was.   
When the actors came into the row to lap dance in the audience making everyone laugh, and Louis practically cried tears when the actors sat on Carter and touched his chest. Carter felt himself blush and he covered his face and Louis loved it. 

-

Carter lay with Louis on the roof of their house during the warm month of August and looked at the stars. They were dazzlingly bright and the night was rich and dark. They climbed up here often, using the tree next to the house and jumping down on the trampoline to get off.   
"You never told me what Italy was like." Louis spoke quietly. Carter felt the instinct to respond to Louis' prompt, and then frowned, changing his mind.   
"You never told me what July was like..." Louis' face became serious.   
"It was fine... why do you ask that?"  
"You just seem.. like something. I don't know.." Carter took a deep breath and sighed frustrated, for the first time ever really, he wanted to make himself understood and he was having to communicate with more than a words and not looks and gestures, things that Louis read well.   
Louis waited patiently.  
"You seem like you're unhappy, sometimes." Carter usually would not speak like this, but his heart kept becoming distracted by the small differences in his friend.  
"Everyone is unhappy sometimes." Carter looked at him.  
"You didn't used to be." They lay in silence. And Louis chewed on the inside of his cheek, he knew he needed to work with Carter here.   
"I kissed someone.." Carter's brow furrowed.  
"On the mouth?" Louis huffed air in amusement, and even it felt half lived.  
"Yes, Carter." Carter lay there for a while in silence.  
"Why?" Louis shrugged.  
"I just did." Another pause.  
"Is it someone you like?" He meant someone Louis _liked_. Louis shook his head, turning on his side and facing Carter.   
"No."   
"Oh... Do I know who it is?" Louis shrugged.  
"He's from our school, I don't know." Carter looked at Louis.  
"He?" Louis looked away.  
"Yeah..." Carter thought about this. He knew that boys could kiss girls or also boys, he just didn't know that Louis kissed boys. His stomach twisted in an unhappy way, deep in his gut, quietly as if trying to be heard. He didn't know why he felt that. He just wondered if that person liked Louis... enough to deserve it.   
"Did you like it?" Louis looked at Carter and then up at the stars again.  
"Yeah.. I guess."   
"Oh.."   
Carter felt like Louis was growing and moving right before his eyes.

-

School started before they knew it and Louis really had grown and changed. After the first week of school Carter sat outside waiting for Louis, squeezing each of his fingers in turn. Louis came out and pulled Carter up, walking with him to the store.   
On the side of the road as they walked, the sun dappling against Louis' face, Louis pulled out a cigarette and lit it.   
"When did you start doing that?" Carter frowned, because he realized Louis was living and there were parts of it that Carter didn't know about.   
"This week, I guess." He answered, looking at Carter as he walked, breathing in the cigarette and exhaling it's smoke.   
"Why?"  
"It's just a stress reliever."   
Carter wondered what was placing stress on Louis' brave shoulders.   
"You're.. okay?" Carter mumbled. Louis smiled with his mouth closed at Carter, squeezing his arm.   
"Yeah, I'm fine."

-

Instead of eating during lunch one day, Louis sat with Carter in the library. They were laughing and laying on the floor between the shelves and playing with an etch-a-sketch. Louis sat up and put his hand on the floor, leaning on his arm and tucking his legs next to himself. Carter noticed the slope of his body, and the way his hips showed under his shirt when it rode up, his thighs curving. He was beautiful, Carter decided.   
"Alright so, next week, there's going to be a prank." Louis looked down at Carter as he lay on his back, his black hair falling over and his shadow cast on Carter.   
"Are you the one doing it?" Carter asked, looking up with wide, attentive eyes.  
"No way, I don't want to start trouble. But I don't want you to be alone so we need to decide where we're gonna go."   
"What's gonna happen?"  
"Someone has been making stink bombs and they're going to set them off in the air- vents." Carter's eyes widened.   
"Well how did they get them in the vents?" He mumbled.   
"From the bathrooms. If you stand on the toilets you can reach the ceiling tiles and climb up."  
"Oh.. What do you want to do?" He asked.   
"The bombs are going to be turned on during a passing period, and they have a colored smoke in them, so the teachers won't be able to keep us here." Carter nodded.  
"So," Louis continued. "Just leave your books in your locker for one class and, before the class is over, come to the bathroom and we can wait until everyone is leaving together."   
"Everyone will leave?'   
"Yeah, the smoke and smell will drive everyone out. You and me will just leave together." Carter nodded.   
"Okay." 

-

Carter left his classroom, doing what Louis said and going to the bathroom they had decided on. When he walked in Louis was already there, and the small apprehension fell out of his chest. Louis opened the big stall, mischievous and grinning.   
"Come on!" Carter followed him and Louis locked the door. Louis sat on the floor in a corner and Carter sat with him.   
"Are you scared?" Carter asked quietly.  
"'Course not. It's not dangerous." Carter nodded.   
"Why, are you scared, you giraffe?" Carter giggled and Louis smiled widely.   
"No." The door swung open and Louis crawled to the stall door, looking under carefully.   
"Louis?" Someone called. Louis unlocked the door and a tall boy with piercings and messy hair came in, smiling at Carter as Louis came back to sit with him.   
"Brought your sidekick with you to keep you warm?" Louis flashed him a look.   
"Watch it." The guy chuckled. It seemed like Louis didn't like him speaking of Carter as a sidekick.   
"Sorry."   
He stood on the toilet and reached into the ceiling tiles, moving them. The clock on the wall showed one minute until the passing period bell rang. The guy pulled the little thing out and activated it, tossing it back up and closing the tile.   
"Make sure you and your boy go fast, the crowd may be rowdy." The guy spoke over his shoulder and left. Louis grabbed Carter's hand and pulled him out towards the bathroom door, one hand on it. He smiled at Carter.   
"Ready or not."   
The bell rang and the people went into the halls, all calmly at first, oblivious. Louis pulled Carter towards the doors of the school, walking quickly. They got about two and a half minutes of walking before the smoke started filling the halls and the students covered their noses, confusion spreading. The smoke was thicker than Carter had anticipated and as the halls got chaotic Louis pulled them in a jog to the door. Carter can still remember how tightly their hands held. A teacher called to them, asking them where they thought they were going. Louis ignored her completely and got them out, followed by the student body coughing and running away. Carter looked at the people and was grateful Louis had known what to do. The police were called and the fire department showed up.  
They walked to the furniture store and Carter didn't let go of Louis' hand. It was already there, why stop it? 

-

It was around ten thirty at night and Carter was sitting on his bed. He was laying and staring at the glow in the dark stars his mother had put up when he was young. He breathed deeply and stared, thinking. The window to his bedroom tapped quietly, making Carter look up in surprise. He sat up, walking to his window. He was wearing sweatpants and a white t-shirt. He walked closer, pulling back the curtain and his eyes widened, opening the window quickly and leaning out.   
"Louis?" Louis stood shrouded in darkness, pushing Carter back in the window he shuffled in through the opening.   
"Hey, were you asleep?" He whispered.  
"No." Carter whispered back, not able to not grin a little bit.   
"I brought something for you." He reached for Carter's hand in the dark, pressing a hard plastic square into his hand. "Here."  
"What is it?" He whispered. He noticed the black jeans and shirt Louis wore, the scent of the night air on his clothes.   
"It's an Oasis CD." He whispered back.   
"Why is it for me?" He looked at it, looking back up at Louis.  
"Because I want it to be." Carter nodded.   
"Oh." Louis smiled, his face half illuminated in the dark. He sat on Carter's bed and laid with his back against the wall, curling in the covers, leaving space. Carter followed him easily, taking his CD and setting in on the empty desk next to his bed. He crawled in and lay next to Louis.   
"How long did it take you to walk here?" Louis looked at Carter's face, Carter's brunette hair gently lit with the moonlight from the open window, his face in the dark. Carter saw Louis, his face barely lit. Carter felt his breath and his weight in the bed.   
"About forty five minutes, I'd say." He mumbled, pushing his legs out and seeming so comfortable he sighed.   
"Where were you?" Carter asked. He hoped Louis would answer. Lately he felt Louis' life growing in ways Carter didn't see, and he just wanted to know.   
"I was at a the music store, in town." Carter frowned. He was somewhere before that. And even so, Carter felt bothered that Louis was in town walking at night alone.   
"You bought it tonight?" Louis nodded.   
"Yeah."   
"Where did you get the money for that?" Louis stayed still.   
"It's mine." Carter frowned.   
"You don't have a job. I meant who gave you it." Louis looked away from Carter, barely a visible action but still visible.   
"It was my parents'." That was the first time Carter had ever heard Louis even speak of them.  
"Oh... You stole it?" Louis nodded. They paused.   
"You should.. be careful stealing.. I don't want you to do bad things, is all..." Louis took Carter's hand.   
"They stole from me more than I did them."   
Carter didn't answer.   
Carter's hand held Louis' back tightly. He saw Louis close his eyes, and he looked at him as he began to fall asleep in Carter's bed. Louis was beautiful in the pale, dim, light. His hair lay against his head thick and deep. His face was soft and yet strong and beautiful. His shoulders were small but strong set, and his hips rose from the dip in his waist. Carter knew that if he could see his chest he'd see his collar bones gently outlined against his soft neck, and it would lead to his chest and Carter thought all of it was beautiful. Right down to the hand that lay safe in his, and everyone of it's knuckles and bones and fingers.   
Carter now knew that Louis' parents were a problem, and his head worried about this as he watched his ribs expand and collapse. But tonight, with Louis' breath fanning across Carter's hand and his face peaceful, the problem was for another day, and another time.


	4. Chapter 4

Carter remembers moments like the back of his hand. He remembers the lighting, the sounds. His whole life may as well have been a blur but everything was in focus when Louis was with him.   
Louis was smiling next to Carter in the middle of an open field. The field was huge and wide, encircled with trees in the distance. People gathered in the field and multicolored, cheap cars played music with the windows down and people sitting on the hoods. In the middle of everyone was a huge fire, and in the sky fireworks exploded, filling the air with color and the ground with sound.   
The week after the Friday that the bombs were set off in the school, the entire student body was out for the week. The school was closed and being cleaned of the problem. It was the most successful prank of this year, and the last. About twenty or thirty people were gathered out in the field around the fire celebrating the week.   
Louis slipped away from Carter, telling him to wait there. He stood there, watching the fireworks and waiting in the thick, stomped down grass of the field. A moment passed and Carter heard the sound of the radio from the car changing and the sound of Oasis came on. Louis and Carter had listened to the entire CD in Carter's basement, both of them enjoying it's sound. Louis came back with a smile wide enough to split his face and handed Carter a heavy blanket he must have gotten from a friend. Carter returned his smile and helped him lay the blanket on the lumpy grass. They sat down on it, and Louis sat with his shoulder against Carter's.   
The fireworks were colorful, and Louis told Carter which ones were his favorite while asking Carter which were his. Carter watched Louis and in years to pass he would always remember the way the fire lit his face with warm light. He was accentuated in shadows of the night, and as each of the fireworks exploded in the sky, the color played across his face, melding and splashing with the firelight. He smiled and for a moment, Carter didn't see the dissatisfaction that he had for a while in Louis. Louis was content and he wanted to be next to him. It made Carter feel better in that moment.   
'We don't claim to be perfect but we're free, we dream our dreams.' Carter thought that Oasis said the right things in their songs, yet there were many times when he was with Louis that he felt he didn't need to dream, that he was satisfied. 

-

About half way through the school year, Louis was invited to a party and he went. Carter didn't understand why he wanted to. It was one o'clock in the morning and Carter was sitting in the basement, listening to Oasis. He couldn't sleep because he was thinking about what Louis was doing at that party. If he was being kissed and if he was okay. Did he feel happy.   
The window on the ground level of the basement suddenly shook with hands trying to pry it open. Carter jumped up, turning the player down and getting to the window. He unlocked it and pushed it up and open. It was a stranger which surprised him. Not completely a stranger, he realized. It was the guy who had dropped Louis off at his house when he had come back from Florence.  
"Hey, you're Carter, yes?" The guy said quietly, peering in from the night.   
"Yes."   
"I'm dropping Louis off, he needs someplace to crash and he won't go anywhere else.." He nodded fast.   
"Just go to the door." Carter pulled the window shut, locking it and going to the door quietly, carefully walking so as not to wake his mother.  
He opened it and held it open while Louis' friend practically carried him to the door. Louis rubbed his eyes, trying to push away from the guy and making unhappy noises. He looked around and grabbing for Carter. Carter took him in his arms and whispered thanks to Louis' friend. He closed the door and shifted Louis gently, getting his arms under him to support him and take him to the basement.   
"Mmmm, Carter." He whimpered. Carter didn't know if he was upset he was being moved or if his head hurt or if he just wanted Carter's attention.   
"Shh." Carter quieted him, making him silent and carefully shutting the door to the basement before locking it and setting him down on the couch. The lamp light softly illuminated the room. Carter put his hands on either side of Louis face. Louis skin was burning, and his pupils were dilated out. He grit his teeth and tears were coming from his eyes. He started shaking violently, his whole body racked with it. Carter patted him roughly.  
"Hey, Louis, can you say anything?" He murmured sternly, standing over him. Louis gripped Carter's arms with a grip like stone and squeezed his eyes shut, struggling to speak.  
"My skin feels wrong." He gasped. Carter felt his insides were in mud, hard to move. Carter pressed his fingers against Louis neck, pressing once or twice and finding his pulse. It was rapid and heavy. All Carter could do was curse in his head, frustration warring in him in a way that not much could make happen.   
"I took something." He struggled to get it out.  
"You know where you are?" He just wanted to ask Louis questions, trying to get his head in the room, and his feet on the ground. Something he would someday learn was a very hard thing to do.   
"House." He bit out, still tense and contorted in what looked like pain.   
"Who's house." He commanded.   
"Y-.." He paused seeming to gasp and groan at the same time. "Your house." His hands still held onto his arms and his sweat was cold.   
"Alright." He muttered. He kept one hand on him grabbed his jacket off the couch kneeling in front of him and dabbing him gently to get the sweat off him. Carter didn't know if he could even feel it against his face, or what his skin felt like. He pried himself out of Louis' grasp and ran to the kitchen, getting water. When he came back he saw Louis' eyes wide open. Carter sat on the couch, he held Louis' face and almost forced him to drink water. It was the only thing Carter figured would dilute the substances in his stomach. That was the extent of what Carter knew to do about drugs and that was something he regretted in that moment.   
He sat himself on the couch after he felt satisfied with what Louis drank. He got comfortable and pulled Louis into his lap, wrapping his arms around him tightly and pulling the blanket over him. Louis gripped Carter the way he did a lot, tightly. He lay his head against Carter's chest and shook, alternating between gritting his teeth and panting. He whimpered and cried for what seemed like forever. And Carter used his thumbs to keep the tears off his face. Louis' temperature radiated.   
Carter held him all night.


	5. Chapter 5

Louis leaned against the wall as Carter pulled his books out of his locker. The grey, chipped paint, and thin metal lockers lined the halls of the school. The walls were brick and the florescent lights were grey as well. Louis looked up from the floor watching him, his hands in his pockets. Carter shut his locker and faced him. They just stood for a moment.   
"Sorry." Louis mumbled. Carter shifted and Louis avoided his eyes. It was a Monday morning. The whole day on Sunday Louis lay on the couch in Carter's basement and so did he, watching movies with the volume low and not talking about what had happened the night before. They kind of just allowed Louis to nurse himself from the crash and nap some of the next day. Carter stayed with him.  
"It's okay..." He didn't really feel like it was okay. He felt like things were wrong and he just didn't know what they were. 

-

It was a Saturday and they both lay on the floor in his living room. Louis' head was on his stomach. It seemed like lately Louis had been doing what he could to avoid putting Carter in the position he had that night, staying with him and being docile. Louis turned over on his side, facing Carter's head and and sighing with his eyes closed. He was half asleep, and his hair lay over his stomach. Carter watched him and thought about playing with his hair. But he didn't want to change anything about it. Not about the way the sun from the windows fell over his face and his eye lashes cast shadows over his cheeks. Dust floated in the sunlit air.  
His mother walked in.   
"Carter do you have any laundry in your room- Oh, hey Louis." His mother spoke sweetly. Louis jumped lifting his head and sitting up seemingly quick.   
"Hi, Miss Rose." He responded. He almost sounded uncomfortable. He was never really uncomfortable around her..   
"No, mom. I cleaned everything already." Carter responded. She nodded and left.   
Louis lay back down but this time there were a few inches between them. 

-

It was during the last few months of sophomore year that Louis began to drink more. He less frequently showed up at his house completely wrecked over drugs, alcohol, and weed, but Carter knew what he was doing. Louis stayed away more when he drank and when he did come to Carter he was drunk or high and emotional, too much to decide to stay away from him. Carter couldn't tell him to stay away. He didn't know how to stop Louis, or why he was doing any of it. 

-

Carter sat on the couch in the basement with Louis' legs in his lap. Louis lay on his back looking at Carter, he lazily wrote on Carter's hand with a pen. Carter had one arm on the back of the couch, leaning his head on his hand and his other arm in Louis' lap.   
"Have you ever been to a concert?" Louis asked. Carter shook his head.   
"No... have you?" Louis shrugged.  
"Not like a big one.." He continued to draw on his hand. Blink-182 was on the CD player in the background.   
"Wanna see them?" Louis looked up at Carter pointing with the pen at the air. Carter tipped his head.   
"Sure... If you do." Louis rolled his blue eyes playfully.   
"What if," He drug the words out, writing on Carter's hand more. "I said I only want to go if you do?" Carter sighed.  
"I don't know, I just like doing things with you, that's all." Louis looked at him, his eyes a tiny bit concerned looking, his mouth pulling at one end.   
"You should want to do things too.. It's not often we do something you come up with." Carter frowned.   
"Okay, well I do want to see them then." Louis nodded, stilling looking up at him.   
"Yeah, me too." They stayed quiet for a while.   
"I like things like this.." Carter mumbled. "I just like being around you. I don't care what we're doing."   
"I like doing things with you too." He smiled. Carter shifted and rolled his light grey eyes lazily. Louis went back to drawing on his hand.   
"Blink-182 is pretty good. You think they'll make a second album?" Louis' tongue swiped over his lips.   
"I think so.. They're small but.. the songs are pretty cool." Louis tossed the pen lazily across the room making Carter chuckle, earning a smirk from Louis.   
Carter looked at his hand and saw his name written as many times as would fit.


	6. Chapter 6

"You boys have been wearing that couch down. Every time I go down there for the laundry it looks just a bit more ragged than the last time." Carter mother spoke as she stirred tea at the counter.   
Louis sat next to Carter and as they shared a sandwich. Louis had made it, and cut it into little sailboats. Carter thought it was cute.   
"Well Miss Rose, unfortunately things get serious when we break out the board games." Louis smiled, reaching across Carter to get a bag of chips on the table. Carter's mother giggled sweetly, bringing the tea to the table and beginning to pour it into glasses. It was a Wednesday afternoon and they were having lunch. Carter felt happier that Louis was in his kitchen and not off with his friends.   
"Oh, Louis, it's been long enough of that for you to call me Lauren!" She smiled, not seeming offended at all, she quite liked Louis. Louis flashed her a smiled.   
"Only the most respect is reserved for a woman with tea like this." Lauren chuckled and rolled her eyes. Carter picked at his food because he supposed that's what Louis had made it for. It was good, but Louis was here and he was much more interesting.   
"At any rate, it's about time we replaced that raggedy old thing. It's run it's course I'd say." Carter looked at Louis with his attentive eyes. Louis' brow knitted in gently.   
"Why?" He asked, "It's expensive to buy a whole new one.." Lauren shrugged.  
"Well it's been a long while! It won't be too expensive, anyways, I'll get a cheap one from the furniture store." Louis frowned.  
"I kind of like the one we already have..." Lauren frowned as well. Carter waited.   
"Well... I suppose if you two care so much?" Lauren glanced at Carter, getting a nod.   
"Alright, well, I can't imagine why. If you're going to be on it, I don't want it falling apart at the seems. Go tape up the tears a bit more for me." Louis agreed.   
After their sandwiches Louis dug the duct tape out of the kitchen drawer and they jogged down the stairs to the basement. Louis hopped over the back, bouncing onto the seats.   
"I gotta get scissors." Louis shook his head.  
"Nah, I'll just bite it off for you." Carter gave him a smile.  
"I can't do it myself?" Louis hopped up grabbing the roll of tape and smirking.   
"Apparently not, princess." His dazzling blue eyes blinked up at Carter mischievously as he bit a nick in the tape, ripping it off at the small cut. Carter stared at him, his eyes focused at Louis', narrowing slightly with a dumb, barely there smile.  
A damsel in distress pun.  
Louis stepped back and tossed the roll at Carter's chest, holding eye contact before putting the tape on the edges of the couch where the fabric was wearing thin. Carter shook his head and started too as well, walking to the CD player to turn on Name by Goo Goo Dolls. Louis' face softened a little bit, letting Carter help him with the tap on one tear. They stayed in silence for a while.   
"You'd really mind losing the couch?" Carter mumbled quietly, looking down at Louis' face. His eyes were calm and his black hair fell forward softly, the sun from the window laying on his skin and playing in his hair. The dust in the air floated softly in the music, and he worked on the couch.   
"Yeah... 'guess so." He answered.   
"Why?" Carter sat on the back of the couch, handing Louis tape as he worked. He shrugged.   
"We've spent too long on this stupid couch. Would you want a new one? One that didn't have that stain on it?" He tossed a pointing finger at the stain in the seat from when they had wrestled for the winning cards in some game, spilling the drink Louis had been having. They had covered it for months with a blanket. Carter understood what Louis was thinking. They felt it in different ways though. Carter felt it like a small flower blooming in his chest, now that it had been payed attention to, telling him that he'd miss the couch that he had fallen asleep on with his legs tangled in Louis' so many times.   
Louis on the other hand, felt it like a brick in his stomach, telling him to hold on with everything he had.   
Louis tossed the tape on the coffee table and rolled over the back of the couch, landing on the seats and stretching out as he looked up at Carter. He looked down at him until Louis smiled and tossed a pillow at him. He caught it and smiled softly, sitting down on the end of the couch. Louis leaned over the edge of the couch, putting a hand on the ground and grabbing a pen off the coffee table to hand to Carter, putting his feet in his lap. Carter slumped down comfortably and grabbed Louis' delicate, soft ankle, starting to write.   
The song playing for them clung to their air, as Louis lay his head on his arm, watching Carter with half lidded eyes.  
'If you could hide beside me, maybe for a while. And I won't tell no one your name. We grew up way to fast, now there's nothing to believe; and re-runs all become our history. A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio, and I won't tell no one your name.'  
He wrote his name as many times as would fit.


	7. Chapter 7

Louis sat in the grass with Carter on a hillside out of town. It was spring and the air was beginning to warm. The hill was tall and it over looked much of the town. Louis pointed at the high school as him and Carter spoke. Louis' friends drove him up to the hill in their car, with bikes in the back. There were about five of Louis' friends riding their bikes down the steep drop off of the hill. Carter noticed it was dangerous, that there were rocks on the downward slope. But he and Louis were sitting in the dusk light, off to the side of the action as the sun went down and the teenagers rode their bicycles down the hill. Carter looked at Louis' face. His features were sharp and soft at the same time. The light was beautiful, just barely beginning to darken, still a hint of the orange of the sun. It played in contrast against his hair and it seemingly struck a whole fire in his eyes. Louis stared at Carter too, and he noticed the way his eyes flicked around his face.   
Here Comes The Sun by The Beatles was playing from the car stereo to the right of them. Accompanied by the chatting of the friends.   
"You've been okay lately?" Carter asked. He hadn't been speaking very forwardly all evening. He'd been responding and agreeing and giving his opinion to Louis based off of the things he said. Most people would be surprised by the sudden assertion of Carter's thoughts. But Louis knew him and knew that his beautiful head did that.   
He saw Louis' mouth pull at one corner and his brows pulled together slightly as he looked at Carter. He shrugged.   
"I don't know... It doesn't really matter.." He mumbled, "Nothing ever changes, Carter." Carter would always remember him saying that. But for now he just sighed.   
"It matters to me." Louis just looked at him for a moment.   
"I know. It makes me feel guilty every day." Carter's face reacted to that.   
"I make you feel guilt?" Louis looked away to the sun.   
"You're very good to me.. Sometimes I just wish I could.. deserve it." He put his hand against Louis' arm.   
"Who told you that you don't deserve it." Louis returned eye contact, knowing by the hand it was what he was asking for.   
"No one has to tell me. I'm just.. I don't know." Carter took a deep breath, his chest felt heavy with Louis' plight.   
"Why do you keep doing those.. things." He mumbled. He didn't want to say outright all the substance abuse and general self destruction. Louis looked down and then to the scene before them and then to Carter.   
"I just.. It's hard to explain." Carter's jaw muscle shifted  
"Just explain what you want to then... It's okay if I don't understand."   
"I'm trying to run from everything... And I'm trying to find something at the same time." He mumbled. It's true, that didn't make sense to him at the time.   
"Find what?"   
"... I don't know." He sighed, playing with a strand of grass. "I don't plan on it. Just.. sometimes I need to get out of my head. It's too much to handle." His voice was quiet.   
"I wish you'd just... I don't- just.. Stay with me and drink.. or get high.. whatever." Louis huffed air and his mouth turned up in a hopeless smile.   
"You keep my feet on the ground more than anyone I've ever met. My head is always in the room with you."   
Carter wanted to disagree. He wanted to be able to get Louis the relief he was searching for from whatever he was running from, safely. Not alone in some house filled with smoke and drugs and men. But what Louis said was right. Carter didn't even know it but he never connected to life at all, even his mother was disconnected from him. The earth, the air, himself, his life, everyone he met; he never attached mentally to anything. Carter felt like he was asleep. All the time.   
But when he was with Louis he was wide awake.   
They sat in silence for a while. Louis sighed and dropped his head onto Carter's shoulder.   
"I don't want to go home tonight." He spoke quietly, like his words were words that he was afraid to say. They were only for Carter.   
"Stay with me." He murmured back.   
"I've been at your house most of this week... I can't just stay forever." Carter's heart yearned with a quiet sadness. Louis lifted his head, pulling a piece of grass and gently braiding it into Carter's hair. He was quiet as Louis did this, thinking.   
"I'd really like it if you'd hang out with me this weekend.." Carter mumbled. Louis and Carter spent most every day together. Really they did. There were only day long, maybe two day long breaks between all the time they spent together. Regardless, he knew there was a chance Louis would refuse. Most nights that Louis went out it was on the weekends. Carter just felt the hopeless tug in his chest saying that he could just keep Louis safe for a little longer. One more day. A couple more hours. Keep him innocent and safe.   
Louis leaned back against his shoulder, done with tiny braid in his brunette hair. The grass and the hair gently lay against the top of his neck.   
"Yeah, I'll stay with you." He replied. Carter smiled a little bit, immediately. Louis smiled at him and rolled his eyes.   
"We can go swimming in the river from the dam, if we can get a ride."  
"It's gonna be cold still." Louis laughed.   
"You bet it is."   
The Beatles sang, 'it's alright.'   
And Louis sat next to Carter on a hill overlooking their small town. Sixteen and soaked in the light from the last rays of the already sun


	8. Chapter 8

Carter was in his basement as usual, laying on the couch with the lamp light on. The sun had just barely gone down, in the way that left the evening cloaked in soft dusky light. No color in the light, just fading as it settled quietly in the trees and the grass.   
He was just laying and staring blankly, the CD that was playing in the background had run it's track list for a while now, sitting in the player.   
Louis had been gone for the weekend, and it was something that had once been unusual but, as time past, it showed itself to be a slowly increasing pattern. It's Saturday night, and he was laying on the couch with his mind rolling ideas of what Louis was doing slowly, like fish circling in a pond.   
He was most definitely drinking, most likely high. Carter hoped that either Louis didn't have the urge for drugs on this trip, or that no one was trying to manipulate him while he was out of it. He felt his stomach knot when his brain came into contact with the idea of what any guys wanted with him, and just how easy it would be to get when Louis could barely walk in a straight line.   
Carter heard the front door open and shut, followed by quiet footsteps coming down the stairs and pausing at the door. He sat up and turned his body to the side so he could see. Louis opened the door and stepped in, slowly but not afraid or uncertain. He stood there for a minute, looking at Carter once and then looking at the ground.   
"Hey.. I saw your mom wasn't home so I just let myself in." He murmured, his weight shifting to one leg while his fingers rubbed the hem of his shirt. Louis was wearing a grey sweater and jeans, and his hair was tamed. But Carter knew Louis well enough to know it was the kind of tamed that happened when he tried to fix it with his hands. He looked wrung out.   
"Hi." He responded, watching. Louis took a deep breath and sighed it out, standing up on both his legs again, shifting his hand on the door.   
"I need to take a shower.." Carter let them both ignore the hovering truth in the air, not only of the fact that Louis needed to shower from whatever he had done for the past two days, but that he had done something at all.   
Carter nodded, his eyes leaving Louis' face for one moment to look at his whole body.   
"Can I borrow your clothes." Louis crossed both of his arms over his stomach.  
"Yeah."   
"I'll be back in a minute." He stepped back before turning and leaving.   
When he was finished showering Carter would let him spend the night and the next day, doing nothing and staying home. Clothed in shirts and sweats that were loose on him.   
He wouldn't press Louis to talk about it and Louis wouldn't bring it up.


	9. Chapter 9

It was a Saturday night and Carter was sitting in the backseat of a car next to Louis. Three of Louis' friends were sitting in with them. All talking and laughing.   
Louis seemed a little bit more laid back tonight than he normally was. He sat calmly next to him and didn't add much to the conversation unless prompted to. He answered Carter's quiet murmurs when he was spoken to, giving him attention like he always did, in precedent over others. Carter felt comfortable and he noticed that Louis was sitting on the side of him that put a person between him and his friends. Carter was sitting next to the door and Louis was the sitting divider between him and the others, which now he noticed was something he did often in cars. Louis' arms were crossed and he sat comfortable, seeming to subconsciously guard him, though there was no danger. He was calm and seemingly content, yet he could see the ulterior current in Louis air. He had an undertone of _offness_ that lay like a pond under his mood. It seemed more usual now and that worried him.  
After a while of driving and talking, Louis sighed a relaxed puff of air and lay his head on Carter's shoulder. It seemed that only lasted for a moment.   
"Hey, didn't Harley have that telecaster stolen?" Their conversation seemed to have drifted. Louis shifted his head and then relaxed again.   
"Yeah, it was expensive, I bet he's pissed." They laughed a little bit. The guy next to Louis spoke up.   
"No, he was definitely pissed. I heard he put a hole in the wall."   
"What? Now he's gonna have to pay for that too, what an idiot." They laughed.   
"He makes money off of weed anyway, he'll be fine. I'm not sorry for him."   
"Yeah, that's why he's at the parties so much. He sells his shit there more than anything else."   
"I thought he was there for Louis." The guy in the front threw a smirk at Louis, his voice hinting in a mischievous way. Louis lifted his head from Carter's shoulder, giving him an unamused look.   
"Not funny." The driver laughed.   
"It's not really a joke."   
"See even he knows it. I think Harley's looking for more than an easy hook up." He smiled at him, clearly trying to get a rise out of Louis.   
"I don't care and I'm not hooking up with him." He didn't seem to be having it. The friend smirked, tilting his head.  
"Right, okay, that's not what it's looked like." Louis' jaw clenched in a barely noticeable second.   
"Shut up, I'm not doing anything with him. I kissed him twice, it was a party, drop it."   
"You were in his lap last week, don't play it down!" His friend laughed, enjoying Louis' irritation.   
"Shut up, Landon." He looked at his friend with direct eye contact and though he didn't seem to be swayed from his fun, Carter felt every signal Louis was giving, could practically taste his warning. Louis lifted his shoulder from leaning on his and sat up straight, breaking contact with him. Carter was watching Louis get increasingly serious. He was wary of him, and knew that if he was on the other end of the stare Louis was giving Landon he'd be shrinking in record speed. His eyes were beautiful, expressive, and passionate. Turned the wrong way and they could make a comfortable person shiver. None of this was received on Landon's end.  
"Come on, you know what he wants, he want's to get in your pants. I saw him gunning for it last time, I'm surprised he didn't go for it. Maybe next time, yeah?"  
" _Shut up, Landon. Shut the fuck up._ "  
The car quieted in a second.   
Without even raising his voice Louis set the air into a tension. His tone held a finality and his eyes seemed to finally burn a whole into Landon's apparently thick skull. Carter sat tense next to him, his head angled down slightly and his eyes cast downwards but still towards Louis. He caught the grip of Louis' hand on his own arms and saw his nails digging crescent white shapes into his skin. He didn't break eye contact with Landon as Carter sat still and stiff next to him.   
"Alright sorry, I didn't mean to piss you off, I was just playing around." Carter didn't know it but his friends would have noticed that Louis normally shrugged off these jokes. And even Louis only barely understood why he was so intolerant, that he wasn't in the mood to put up with it.   
Louis looked away from him, in Carter's general direction, his muscles seeming to let go and his shoulders dropping a centimeter. Carter unstiffened and squeezed his thumb in his hand.   
Louis didn't lean back against him, and he felt the air between their shoulders like the water between their continents in the month of July. But after a few minutes of the conversation picking back up to normal Louis' knee shifted to sit against his, making Carter relax farther and stop squeezing his thumb. His knee pushed into Louis' a small bit, responding in kind to his reassurance.   
When they got to the small, empty theatre they got tickets for the picture show, now midnight and playing. The parking lot lights gave the place a dull orange glow and the bar next door radiated muffled music. Carter stayed next to Louis and sat with him inside, feeling more comfortable when he leaned against his shoulder again.   
The Rocky Horror Picture show started and when the actor's came to dance in the audience they skipped their row and Carter was grateful for that, noticing Louis demeanor. It was like he wasn't unhappy, he just wasn't happy. He wasn't in a bad mood, just not a good one.   
In the end of the show Franken Furter was singing to the audience in the movie, the white spotlight paling his face and illuminating his bloodshot eyes. His make up smeared and his eyes smeared with his own moments. The light that shown on him bathed him in exposure, and just a hint of magic. His eyes washed out. His skin wet and his corset low. He sang to his audience and the light bathed him in his own infinite universe. His voice soared above his circumstance.   
'And I've seen, oh! _Blue skies_ through the tears. And I realize, I'm going home.'   
The piano swayed and yearned with it's own heartbroken dreams, dancing in the octaves with it's partner.   
Carter looked at Louis, seeing his face and understood that he was the most real thing he had ever been next to. Louis watched Frank Furter, his brow pulled together just enough, his eyes holding an emotion he didn't know the meaning of. The theatre light shown from behind them, giving Louis a halo of white light as they sat in the dark theatre. Frank Furter floated in the pool, the Sistine chapel painted below him, and sang.  
'Don't dream it, be it.'   
Louis lay his head on Carter's shoulder again.  
And though his heart felt worried for Louis, it seemed that in some moments they could forget.


	10. Chapter 10

Carter sat in his basement. Another Sunday night.   
Just after the fourth night that Louis took drugs and was taken to his house to sit through them.   
The song playing was 'Let Me Get What I Want' from the Smiths. They were sitting quietly, Louis was laying with his eyes almost closed while Carter rubbed his thumb over his leg in his lap. This episode had been particularly bad, Louis had fought him like he was scared and was seeing things.   
"I don't understand what you're doing.." He mumbled, looking at his hand as it smoothed over his leg. Louis didn't answer for a few moments.   
"I don't either." He whispered back. Carter closed his eyes for a moment before re opening them.   
"Then what are you doing it for." Carter's voice actually intensified in tone just slightly. Louis shifted, effected by it.   
"It doesn't matter, Carter. I just.. I'm not going to get hurt." Louis' tone was defensive and quiet, trying to be tame for Carter clearly but backing out of his questions fast. His thumb stopped rubbing him.   
"What? ..You don't know that, Louis." He looked at him and held his eyes for a few moments before Louis looked away. His eyes were almost pained.   
"Stop, Carter." Carter grit his teeth and sighed.   
"Nothing is worth this." He muttered. Louis looked at the ceiling.   
"Sometimes it just doesn't feel like that." He whispered. 

\- 

It was around three o'clock in the morning the next time it happened. It was a school night.   
Carter slept in his bed, not expecting anything at all. Louis stayed with him that day and left at about eight thirty. He was woken up by sounds at his window, bumping and scratching.   
He got up still slow, walking with low vision up and turning on a lamp. The sounds were frantic and inconsistent. He pulled back the curtain and his heart jumped, quickly he started to open the window, as Louis had been trying unsuccessfully to do.   
"Louis?" His voice quiet. Louis rubbed his face and tried to get through the window.   
"Whoa, hold on." Carter mumbled, grabbing him to stabilize him, helping him gently in, closing the window behind him. The back of his mind urged to shut Louis into safety.   
"What's wrong?" He whispered, in the the low light. Louis was breathing little breaths and his body was tense.   
"Louis? What's wrong?" He sniffled and started to cry a little harder, lifting his hand and trying to grab at Carter's shirt. He gently took his wrist and led it to his chest, worry and confusion running in his blood.   
Louis rubbed his tears off and sobbed more, gripping Carter and getting his arms around him to latch onto his body in a hug. The hug was different than others, this time Louis buried his face in his chest and pressed every part of his body into his. He was shaking.   
"What are y-..." Carter stood for a moment, unsure and worried, before leading Louis slowly to the bed, sitting him down. He turned Louis to himself, wiping his tears with his thumb.   
"What happened." His voice quiet. "Are you okay, did you take anything?" Louis shook his head, his eyes closed.   
"No." His voice was high pitched with the tears. "I'm just a little drunk." He wiped his face, his shoulders shifting with shaky breaths.   
"Why are you crying, something happened..." Louis opened his eyes, still clearly shining pain filled blue in the low light.   
"I... Someone did something to me." Carter grit his teeth.   
"Where?" Louis' head still down he looked at his lap, sniffling.   
"I went to my friends house and.." He just paused, wiping his face again as Carter put his hands on his jeans to keep contact.   
"There was a guy there and we were drinking and I think he was drunk.. and he.." He stopped again, and Carter's stomach suddenly filled with ice, stilling him.   
"He what."  
He sniffled again, "He brought me to a room to show me something and then he.. he m-made me let him touch me." Carter was stiff.   
"He hit me until I let him suck me off." He put his face in his hands and cried. Carter's whole brain was slow and he just sat silent. A few moments passed and Louis' tears continued. When he got control of his hands again he slowly, at first, took Louis arms and pulled him to himself again. Louis followed like it was second nature, scooting into his lap and shrinking as his arms hugged onto his shoulders and neck. He sniffled and took sharp breaths as he lay his cheek on his shoulder.   
Carter, still recovering from numbness in his lungs and mind, he wrapped his arms around Louis holding him close into his body. It was like puzzle pieces, and they're beings latched to each other clinging to the comfort that poured from themselves.   
He shuffled back and into the safety of the corner of the wall, using one arm to arrange pillows and leaning back into them. Louis sniffled and breathed in sharp jumps, not whimpering any more as Carter's hand pet him slowly. After Louis' breath regained a routine of breathing again against his chest, he shuffled down into a more comfortable position against him, tucking his arms around him and holding onto his shirt.   
"I'm not gonna be a virgin anymore." He whispered, his voice breaking in high pitches along with Carter's heart.   
"You're okay, Lou. You're gonna be okay." He whispered, pressing his nose into his hair. His thumbs softly stroked him, trying to comfort both of them.   
Louis' breath after it had regained rhythm held an exhausted heaviness, until eventually he regained normal respiration. Eventually he drifted off into sleep, and Carter kept his fingers moving in steady, slow rhythms until he was sure Louis' deep breathing and slow heart rate signaled his sleep.   
In Carter's head, his emotions saturated everything. It felt like the worst night of his life. 

-

When the morning came, the sun came through the windows sharp, unwelcome. Carter heard his mother beginning to wake up. He knew he was supposed to be at school soon, and he knew he would not be leaving Louis.   
He gently shifted Louis into the sheets, feeling him shift and wake up. He looked up and around. His black hair was ruffled and his blue eyes still clearly held the effect of the night before, as he turned his head to look towards the door.   
"I'm going to be right back. Just, stay here and be quiet, please." Carter whispered, shuffling up into sitting position. When he looked back Louis nodded, his eyes deep blue and shockingly gorgeous in the morning light.   
Carter got up and pulled the curtains closed, relieving the room into soft darkness again, comforting the two of them. He walked to his door, opening and closing it silently, walking down the hall. It never once occurred to him that Louis would leave while he was gone. It was a perfect opportunity, and Louis was good at leaving.   
When he got to his kitchen his mother was mixing coffee and cream, dressed in work clothes. She noticed him and gave him a smile. Carter knew he needed to show her he was awake, as he did every morning or she would come to wake him up. It would be a combination of luck and a convenient routine.  
"Good morning."   
"'Morning, mum." He mumbled. She shifted her bag and came to kiss his cheek.   
"Have a good day, and no trouble making. I left money for pizza after school if you want it, it's on the microwave. I gotta go, don't wanna be late."   
"Thank you." She patted his shoulder gently, the way a loving mother does, unassuming of the seriousness in Carter's chest or the events in his room. If he wasn't already such a detached person he would have felt nervousness as he stood on the cold kitchen tile, hiding his secret. And if he wasn't already such a detached person than maybe his mother would notice a change in his behavior. Instead he was as consistent as every morning, and his mother left without a thought. Carter sighed, turning around and coming to his room.   
When he opened his door, there Louis sat in his bed, eyes concerned and then relieved when they saw him and not his mother. Carter's mindset relaxed too, now that he could go back to sleep in his dark, safe room with Louis safe for the time being.  
He shut his door and crawled back into his bed, covering himself up again. Louis burrowed back under the covers as well, and both of them felt comfort from the warm bed and the dark room.   
After a few moments Louis shuffled over to him and nuzzled himself into his arms, turning and pressing his back into him. Carter wrapped his arms around Louis and held onto him with every kind of comfort that came with it. It was natural, and his arms fit into his warm shape so well. He hadn't even known it was what he needed, but his heart seemed to go limp with comfort, and it felt one hundred percent right.   
Just before his thoughts began to feel heavy with sleep, comfortable and tired, he did have a last coherent thought.   
Isn't this what people are supposed to do when they loved each other? Of course Carter loved him, but this was a different kind of love that he was thinking of. This was the kind of thing you did with someone you wanted do with forever. And as he was laying there with the warmth of the boy next to him, he thought to himself.   
He couldn't think of one better person in the world than Louis. And he wouldn't mind if that never stopped.


	11. Chapter 11

It seemed, after his last trip, that Louis stopped the hard drugs. It gave Carter relief and he no longer dealt with Louis crashing in his basement and suffering while he had no idea how to help him.  
The drinking continued and he still felt the disposition in his heart because of it, but what was Carter to do. He felt like a pebble in the water, and Louis was the whole damn river. How do you even stop him.   
The school year had drawn to a close and June brought warmer weather and free teenagers. Things seemed to take a turn for the worst, and Louis' river found a cliff side.  
In reflection, he could look back and see exactly the moment when things went down hill.   
They were sitting next to the river, enjoying the clear sky as it lit the water with dancing rays of light. Him and Louis and his friends were all there for the day.   
The first unusual happening was as their friends were getting their shirts off to go swimming. Louis had said he didn't feel like going today, he just wanted to get out of the house and not sit around. Carter of course didn't question it but his friends did, giving him funny looks and urging him to join them, the water was warm and summer was really here now. Louis of course didn't relent, stubborn as he was. He crossed his arms and shook his head.   
"I don't feel like it, I just didn't want to sit around today. I said I wasn't swimming." He was nice but clearly not going to change his mind. Carter sat down in a shady patch of thick, cool grass and leaned back on his hands, giving Louis an amused shrug when he looked at him, rolling his eyes as if to say 'these guys, right?'. The boys and girls that were there jumped and played in the water while Louis sat in the grass watching and talking with him. Everything seemed fine and it was for a while. It happened when Louis got up to get a drink out of the cooler that sat in the shade to keep the ice from melting.   
"You want anything?" Louis looked over his shoulder, pausing.   
"Water, please." He nodded and turned around.   
When he leaned over, reaching into the ice, his shirt slid up a little bit to expose his midsection. The side of his stomach was dark purple, and Carter sat looking at it for a minute unmoving.   
The bruise.  
Louis stood back up and turned around, his shirt falling back into place and his hands wet and cold. He flopped back down into the grass and shoved the freezing water bottle up Carter's shirt. He pulled it out rather nonreactive to the cold, still a little dumbstruck and staring at him. Louis rolled his eyes.   
"Aren't you so much fun."   
And he almost didn't say anything. He wasn't going to, and his stomach told him not to. But his heart forced the words out of his mouth.   
"What was that?" His voice held a seriousness that got to Louis as he frowned and looked at him.   
"What do you mean? The water? I don't know, I was trying to make you laugh." He gave him a confused look. Carter shook his head.   
"Your side. What is that." The recognition on Louis' face seemed to come like water on a paper towel, suddenly then saturating. He looked away.   
"I accidentally crashed in one of Alexia's go carts, it was- stupid, really." The skip in his sentence gave him away immediately, and so did the stillness of his expression. Carter guessed that Louis was a rather good liar. He did what he wanted and he was comfortable fooling his friends. But it seemed like he lost his flare in that moment.   
"No you.. didn't." Carter's voice drifted off, his brow pulling together, "What was that, Louis? Where did it come from?"   
"I told you, I crashed a go cart."   
"No you di- You're lying." He muttered, his eyes narrowing and looking at Louis with the realization that he was lying to him. Louis grit his teeth.   
"No, I'm not." He was still avoiding eye contact. Carter put the water down.   
"I think you are... Let me see it, what happened."   
At that point Louis dropped his too and got up, starting to walk towards the opening in the trees that led to the clearing, his steps meaningful and not waiting for anyone. Carter sat for a minute, staring at him and then he jumped up, jogging into the trees and catching up to him on the pathway.   
"What are you doing?" He asked, as if confused by Louis actions, which were increasingly selling him out. Louis kept walking.   
"I'm going to the car, go back." Carter shook his head, amazed by Louis strange actions.   
"No- wha-, wait! Louis, stop!" He jogged, swatting away branches as he followed behind.   
Louis seemed to get more urgent and kept going, with him following behind and keeping him insight. After almost a minute the trees let out into a clearing that was wide, the car on the other side of it. He knew Louis didn't have anywhere to go, neither of them were driving yet, he didn't have much more options. Carter caught up to him half way across the clearing, reaching and grabbing his arm.   
" _Don't._ " Louis turned around sharply and pulled away, backing up glaring at him dangerously. He stopped in his tracks, giving Louis a confused look, watching as he turned and started walking to the car. Carter picked back up, following him with a little distance between them now, feeling Louis' trapped air and trying to give him space. When he got to the car, on the side of the narrow road under the trees, he stopped turning around. He was tense and he glared at Carter, crossing his arms.   
"Go back." Carter gave him a hard look.   
"Let me see." Louis grit his teeth again and looked away, clearly not responding.   
"What happened, Louis. That didn't look small, I know you didn't crash a fucking go cart, let me see."   
" _No_. Leave me alone." His back was against the car and even though Carter had left a few feet of distance between them he could feel Louis fighting his trapped situation with increasing aggression by the second.   
"Leave you alone? Why wou- what are you doing? Why are you hiding this?" He took a few steps forward and Louis' whole body tensed, pressing into the car while his crossed arms gripped tightly.   
" _Back up_. I'm not telling you, leave it." Carter felt frustration in his chest all of the sudden and it seemed to evolve into anger and fear in a second. It was more than he had ever felt a negative emotion in his life. He never attached to anything so nothing ever upset him. Well he was upset now.  
"I don't ask much, Louis! I don't fucking ask anything of you! Do you think I like watching you take off for days at a time doing god knows what, with people you don't even know! Do you think that's my fucking choice! I don't want that! And you don't even care, you just live your fucking life, off on your own like you always do, not asking anyone for anything and not listening to anyone! You don't even talk to me about it. I try to ask you if you're even fucking okay and you don't give me a single inch! You shut down, like it doesn't even matter! And you know what, _fine_ , that's fucking fine. I can't force you to help yourself, or let me in, or stop destroying yourself with all this bullshit. But when you're high and drunk and crashing on drugs you don't even remember taking, you come to me. You're the one coming to me, making _me_ watch you suffer. And I don't ever ask questions. I don't ever turn you away. I don't ever second guess you, Louis. And I would do it every night for the rest of my fucking life if it meant that you were with me and not off with some stranger, completely out of your mind on whatever you're taking. But I'm begging you. Just.. I need something. There has to be a reason. You're hiding from me, and if you'd just give me something..."   
Louis was staring at the ground, his shoulders stiff, his head down. Carter's chest felt empty of oxygen and he breathed deeply, swallowing as he stared at Louis.   
"I just want to help you." He muttered. Louis face held guilt and pain and the grip on his arms was tight.   
"I'm sorry." He murmured, quiet. Carter looked away, his shoulders dropping.  
I'm sorry. What the hell was he supposed to do on that.  
He took a few slow steps towards Louis, not saying anything.   
"I'm just trying to understand what's going on. You're leaving me in the dark.." He murmured. Louis shifted, lifting his head and looking anywhere but him.   
"I want to.." His voice was sincere. "I want to, I swear. I just.. I'm sorry..." The guilt was in the tension of his muscles.  
"Nothing is going to change if you don't let me in... You can't just keep going on like this, you have to let someone help." Louis looked at him and stared for a moment.   
"If I tell you, it won't change anything." His voice was quiet and it almost screamed a plea for help.   
"If I could have it my way you'd know everything, this isn't what I want either. I don't want any of this."   
Carter ran his hands through his hair, exhaling heavily.   
"I just can't." Louis' voice sounded of regret. Carter swallowed and looked away for a moment.   
Carter felt heavy with those words.   
Square fucking one.   
"Then what are we going to do. Just keep letting this go on?" Louis swallowed, uncrossing his arms and stepping away from the car.   
"I'll... I'll stop running away so often.. I'll try to just.. stay with you." Carter met his eyes and put his hands in his pockets.   
"What about the drugs. How are you going to stop that, I know how you get. You get all upset and then do them.. it has to stop. If you keep going you're going to end up messing yourself up in a way that you can't take back. It's dangerous, and it's terrifying every time you go. You're going to get hurt one day." Louis gripped his hands together in front of him, rubbing them in each other like he was comforting himself.   
"I can stop." He muttered. Carter looked at him, narrowing his eyes.   
"You have to mean that." Louis nodded.   
"I'll stop that... If you're okay with me still drinking if I need to." Carter's expression showed his frustration and he shifted on his feet.   
"I'm trying to compromise with you..." Louis' voice was quiet but urging him to meet in the middle. Carter returned his gaze and nodded, still showing concern.   
"Fine. But.. You can't just drown yourself in alcohol because you're off drugs, it's bad for you too." Louis nodded.   
"I know, I won't. I mean this like, only if I need to. If I really need something." Carter felt so many wrong things with that sentence in his stomach, but in this moment he was more than willing to compromise if he could gain ground with him.   
"Don't drink with your friends.. Please. I know you don't want to do it around me." He could immediately see the displeasure in Louis response, "I know you don't want to around me, but you can't alone, and we've seen what happens when you do it around them..."   
Louis' brow pulled together and he looked down, before nodding.   
"Okay... I'll.. I'll stay with you." Carter felt relief in his chest and then thought of the problems still at hand. Progress. One step at a time.   
"Thank you." He muttered. Louis gave him a look of apology.   
"I'm sorry..." Carter reached for him, gently and unthreatingly, touching his arm to show he wanted to hug him. Louis relented easily and stepped into him, letting him wrap his arms around him and envelope him in his hug. Louis lay his head against his chest, his face pressed between his shoulder and Carter's shirt, he exhaled heavily, holding on.   
When they walked back to the river they didn't speak, sitting back down in the grass.   
Their water bottles were warm, but they both opened them finally.   
On the car ride home they sat pressed together, the sun had gone down and the summer night air was dark. the windows were down and everyone in the car sat quietly, tired out from the day in the water. While the air from the windows played with their hair, Louis lay his head on his shoulder and Carter looked at him for a moment, gazing at his dark frame. He put his hand on his arm, holding it softly, looking out the window as the road ran by.  
He wanted to understand Louis. He wanted to know what was going on with him, so bad he felt it in his lungs.   
If he could snap his fingers and fix everything for Louis, he would. But for now all he could do was his best.


	12. Chapter 12

In truth, things didn't go bad after their fight.  
Louis stopped taking off at random intervals and doing the things he had promised not to. He struggled to keep his promise, but he did. And things didn't get worse, in fact, they seemed to get better. With the promises, things seemed to regress to the way they were before. They spent more time doing simple, fun things. Louis spent every weekend at Carter's house and it gave them both comfort, though most of all it comforted Carter. Louis had more cigarettes than he used to, formerly he usually had one once every couple of weeks, when he felt like it. Now he began to have one about once a week when he wound himself up.   
Louis acquiesced to drink and smoke around him, with only a small bit of resistance.   
One day he came to him, very clearly stressed. This kind of stress was different than the simplest form of that word. He came out of their friend's house that day and muttered a calling for Carter to follow him, barely stopping, as they left for their walk home. It was a Friday. Carter had felt the difference in Louis, he had been agitated and quick to snap all day. When he had time he found Carter quickly and retreated to an underpopulated area, sitting quietly and fidgeting, his body language tense.   
On the walk home he was silent and his brow stayed set in a look of unrest. He continued this way until they got to his house, stopping in the shade of a tree before walking to the door. He ran his hand through his hair and shifted, taking a few restless steps and looking clearly wound up. It was like watching him get more frustrated by the second as he tried to keep his promise and stay, while simultaneously needing to get out of his thoughts. This was around the time he would normally run off and find his distractions, if not long past it.   
Carter stood, his eyes concerned as he waited patiently for Louis to speak, which he clearly wanted to. Eventually he did, stopping and sighing roughly, looking at him.   
"Look, I'm really- I'm getting upset." He practically bit the words out, like speaking was hard for him while his head was so full of whatever this tension was.   
"Okay, let's deal with it." Carter's voice was soft, yet affirmative. "Let's stay together and handle this.."   
It was really the first time this had happened. Since the promise Louis had made not to run off when he started to feel bad, he had kept himself in check. Now he was truly testing his promise.   
Louis shifted with the energy of an animal in a cage, one that could open the door if he wanted to.   
"This is frustrating." He gritted, "If you'd just give me- like, just- five hours. I could get what I need done, and I'd be back by tonight. I wouldn't take anything serious." He wasn't asking him if he could agree on that. It seemed like he was just expressing what he was wanting.   
Carter shook his head.   
"That's not what we agreed on, Louis. Just give yourself time to get whatever you want, and we'll come back to my house. Where you're safe."   
Louis exhaled and rubbed his brow, nodding.   
"Okay, fine. Let me... God, this is fucking stupid." He muttered, "Let me just, call my friend. Can I use your phone." Carter of course agreed and took him inside to the house phone. The house was cooler than outside, and Louis leaned against the counter, his fingers were tapping and his brow still creased just a tiny bit. He called his friend and Carter listened as he talked. He very clearly specified that he wanted weed, not alcohol. It was a good thing Lauren was at work today.   
They waited on the porch and Louis seemed to stay frustrated until his friend drove into the driveway, getting out and being greeted by Louis. Carter listened on the steps, their conversation quite simple.   
"You're staying here?" Louis nodded, shifting on his feet, clearly wanting to get into the house.   
"Yeah, sorry."   
"I didn't know Carter was into this kind of stuff. Guess you converted him, huh?" His voice was amused. Louis was clearly not. He grit his teeth and his head tilted a little almost as if biting back a response.   
"I don't find that funny."   
"Hey, you're the one getting free weed from me, this stuff sells like hell, don't get all offended."   
Louis didn't meet his eyes, and he guessed that he was biting back some sharp words. His friend seemed not to mind too much though, backing out of the driveway and taking off. Louis didn't waste time, getting into the house and not meeting Carter's eyes. When they got in the basement he opened a window, sitting on the couch with the bag.   
"Your mom comes home at seven thirty, right."   
"Yeah, you've got time." Louis sighed.   
"I don't like this." He muttered.   
"I know." Carter sat next to him, laying back and watching, after all it was something he'd never seen of Louis before.   
He did it with clear familiarity, without mistakes or fumbling. When it was ready he just put it to his mouth and breathed it in. His face held clear distress and he looked more unhappy than Carter had ever seen him. Now he understood it was because every time he got like this he left, not allowing him to see.   
When he took the first pull of it his lungs expanded slowly, his eyes closed and his brow furrowed and then he pulled his hand away and angled his head down a little. His eyes stayed close and he held his breath for seconds before opening his mouth, not yet exhaling. Carter knew this wasn't a great thing to be doing, but truthfully Louis looked beautiful doing it. The smoke from his open mouth fell heavily over his bottom lip, laying into the air with a thick, white weight. He opened his eyes just barely, then exhaled. The smoke running out, disturbing the beautiful cloud. Louis' brow stayed in that set of seriousness for a few more drags and then began to relax. He breathed in and out; the soft smoke seeming to seep into his lungs and absorb the unrest in his head, blowing it out through his mouth and nose.   
As he went on his eyes went from pools of tossing water, then to placated unhappiness, and finally to glazed detachment. His breath became deep and his shoulders released their tension.   
Carter watched his every move calmly, never having seen him like this before. A while went by and he finally started talking, his voice had none of the tightness of before.   
"Drinking is nice because it lets you feel everything but you don't have to hurt, or at least remember it. I guess." He smiled, his eyes held a happy look as he turned a little and played with the hem of Carter's shirt, feeling it.   
Carter was leaned back until he was almost laying down on the couch, his feet on the coffee table as he watched. And the next thing Louis did made his stomach flip over.   
He just laid down and put his head on Carter's chest, right at his shoulder. His breath was so close that he could feel it on his neck. He curled his loose body into his side, laying his arm on him. His legs fell heavily into Carter's lap.   
"Mhm." Carter murmured in response to Louis' words, his hand going instinctively to rub his thumb over Louis' arm. He didn't know what he was doing, but Louis was already doing it so he wasn't going to not respond. It felt like it was crossing a line that they normally wouldn't, but they were friends. They'd cuddled before right?   
"And smoking is really nice." Louis sighed, his head felt heavy on Carter.   
"Yeah?" He murmured back, his voice so quiet, soft, not disturbing Louis. He just mumbled along to him, cooing responses.   
"Yeah. When I'm drunk it's like.. really fast and fun. And I do stupid stuff." Louis giggled against Carter and fuck, he could feel his body against his side. Louis continued.   
"Sometimes I get sad again when I'm drunk but it's easier to do around everyone than this. But smoking..." He sighed happily, "You don't have to feel a damn thing." He mumbled quietly. The air fell quiet and Carter felt the sadness in his chest. He rubbed his hand up and down Louis' arm, slow and soft, feeling him shiver.   
_Did he just shiver?_  
Carter's thoughts held center stage as he lay still, looking at Louis wrapped against him.   
_What are we doing?_   
"Tell me what you're thinking." Louis mumbled quietly, his voice airy and a little bit higher pitched than usual.   
_What I'm thinking? That you're hand feels good on my chest._  
"Nothing." He replied, "Just glad you're here..." His hand still moving rhythmically. The room was silent, hazy with smoke.   
"I'm glad too." Louis smiled, giggling as his head shifting and his hips moving to make himself comfortable again.   
"This isn't even bad." He murmured, his face half buried in Carter's shirt. "This is way better than the last time."   
"How is it better." Carter spoke the question, feeding him simple sentences.   
"Way better. I feel really comfortable.. Way nicer, here. I don't have to be around anyone, it's nice. No one to worry about, and I'm here." Carter analyzed every sentence.   
"Good." He almost whispered.   
"Mmm." Louis mumbled, shifting his head again and pressing his face against Carter's chest. His feet, covered in socks, pressed together and rubbed each other. They were cute and small and his toes tucked in.   
"How do you feel." Carter mumbled, his voice quiet, and his face so close to Louis'.   
"I feel floaty." He giggled. "All floaty." Carter mouth twitched into a soft smile, his eyes fond.   
"You're voice is like, deeper." Louis murmured, "It got deeper. I swear, like... It got deeper. It's so warm." He spoke very seriously, like he was sure no one had noticed this. Carter's hand was at a slow pace against his arm now.   
"Warmer?" Louis sunk down on Carter a little bit, his body wiggling until he was lower. His shoulder was in the crook of Carter's arm and chest, his head laying on his shoulder and angled upwards a little bit. His chest was against Carter's ribs and his body lay against him until his legs curled onto his lap.   
"Yeah, really warm. Talk again." He muttered, his eyes focusing. Carter turned his head a little to look at him, their face inches apart. Louis' eyes were blue and glazed.   
"Talk?" Carter mumbled, eyes looking at Louis' every feature.   
"Yeah, I can hear you in your chest."   
"Okay." Carter smiled. Louis smiled too, closing his eyes to listen.   
"Um.. Your eyelashes are pretty." He mumbled. Louis' eyes opened really wide and he looked up at him with delight.   
"My eyelashes?" He smiled like the sun and giggled.   
"Yeah." Carter chuckled. Louis closed his eyes again and got Carter to talk to him until he started to get up, saying he was hungry. Carter gave him food on the couch, and after about thirty minutes he stopped.   
When he was done he lay down again, almost exactly like he had last time, but this time they were long ways on the couch. Carter wondered if he knew what he was doing. Would he remember this? What did he mean by cuddling like this? He didn't do this that much when he wasn't high.   
Louis yawned and his whole body lay limp against his side until he began to fall asleep. His breath was warm and soft against Carter's neck.   
Carter thought his eye lashes looked dark and pretty against his soft cheeks, his face full of peace.   
Whatever this was, it made Carter feel warm as Louis feel asleep safe and sound beside him.


	13. Chapter 13

Carter sat on the roof of a house who's owner he didn't even know. Louis had pulled him to his friend's home and here they were. Once again, all of his friends had simply left him to be with Carter. They didn't mind.   
The stars shone like they were dancing and singing for the both of them, and it seemed like even they couldn't compete with the smile that lit up Louis eyes. Carter couldn't think of one single place he wanted to be other than here. The air was blinking with fireflies, seeming just as content with their location as the two boys on the roof were.  
Carter laughed as Louis told his stories and made jokes. He wouldn't notice that, in that conversation just like so many others, Louis told stories that made him laugh just so that he could see him smile in result of something he had said. Carter looked up and the sky again and Louis did too.   
Things now are better than they have been. Louis feels better more often, something he tries hard at. It's made them happier.   
The sky was still and beautiful, while they pointed stars out to each other. A comet painted it's shining strip across the sky. Louis gasped and in a single moment, both of their eyes traced a moving star, reflecting the sky.   
"Whoa." Louis whispered, both of them watching it disappear. When it was gone he looked at Louis, unable to not watch him stare in awe at the night sky. Louis looked back at him, smiling wide and looking up again.   
"Are you gonna wish for something?" Louis eyes reflected the brilliant points of light as Carter stared, not answering.   
"Wish?"   
"Yeah, wish for something, wish on a shooting star." Louis smiled at him. Carter looked up at the place where the comet had streaked through their sky.   
"Um..." He returned his gaze again. Louis laughed and rolled his eyes.   
"You see your first comet and you can't think of a wish, that's not right. Come on, something."   
"I..." Carter laughed, "I don't know... I don't want anything."   
"Nothing?" He shrugged, both of them still owning two unending smiles.   
"What do you want? To wish for." Carter returned the question. Louis' smile softened and he looked back up.   
"A lot of things." His voice quieted and he huffed a chuckle, "Hard to pick one thing." They waited as he watched the sky.   
"I guess... I don't know. The first thing I can think of would be Florence." Carter's eyes focused on him like he was the opening thesis on an essay written by the scribe of God, answering every question ever asked.   
"Florence?" Louis looked back down, giving him a look of half amusement and half bittersweet wishfullness.   
"Yeah." They looked at each other, both of their voices quieter now.   
"You want to live in Florence?"   
"I didn't think of living there. I just.. I don't know." He looked up, "If I could wish for something and have my way, I'd probably go with you to Florence, in July."   
Louis paused, his smile soft, before saying something again.   
"It seems like a dream doesn't it." He mumbled. Carter felt his heart do something in his chest.   
"I didn't know you wanted to come.." Louis didn't answer, just watching the stars.   
"It would be nice." Carter murmured. Louis looked at him.   
"Really?" He nodded, his eyes, as always, on the brightest star of every one out tonight.   
"Yeah, I'd take you to the coolest places." Louis eyes practically bore into his soul, his chest actually decompressing, listening to him speak.  
"You'd eat Italian food, but _real_ Italian food." Louis' mouth pulled subconsciously in a small smile again.   
"It's really good?" Carter nodded.   
"It's really good. A lot of things are. Food, music.. We could walk in the city or get a train out to somewhere cool. We'd never run out of things to do." Louis brow pulled together, looking away.   
"The music?"   
"The music... There's a lot of places to see musicians for little or nothing.. I think of you when I see piano players. Think of how good you are." Carter did think of Louis when he saw the pianists. He thought of the way his brow pulled together, and his whole face stilled in concentration. Never did his eyes look so deep than when he was playing the piano. Carter thought of the way his hands looked more beautiful than he thought they could possibly look, the bones of his hands shifting beautiful in time with sound. Louis smiled a little again, his eyes almost sad.   
"Wow." He mumbled. Carter's expression fell into soft little sadness.   
All the things that could be and just weren't.  
"You'd love Italy, Louis."   
Louis looked up again, his eyes sad now to match his, with little happiness. It was more bitter with less sweet. You could see the want in his eyes, and even the acknowledgment, of the fact that he couldn't have what he wanted.   
"Maybe someday." He almost whispered. Carter wanted to hold his hand; he didn't.   
"We will someday. It'll come." Louis looked at him.   
"You think so?"  
Damn if his eyes didn't almost cry out that he wanted to believe Carter. It was like he could see the way Louis was thinking. It was a dream, not a reality, what they wanted. A wish, on a rooftop, on their first shooting star. Not a plan. Wishes and dreams, hold little precedence over reality. And Carter wanted more than anything to be the catalyst for a change in that.   
"I think so. Maybe not this year, or next, but we can. We will.." Louis stared at him and Carter watched as his eyes left his to look at his face, his mouth.   
"I really hope so."   
"Someday, we will."   
It was like Louis just couldn't stop looking at him. Both of them quiet as Carter made promises neither of them knew if he could keep. Carter wouldn't know it but that moment Louis wanted more than he ever had to touch him. He felt it in his muscles and he didn't do it. Probably for the same reason Carter hadn't held his hand.   
"Did you think of a wish yet?" Louis mumbled, still looking at his face, unwilling to look away. For some reason, yes. Carter did have wishes now, not as many as Louis seemed to have, not even close. It was one wish that seemed to connect a hundred wishes into one. But after a pause he answered.   
"Yeah." Louis, scooted a little closer, looking up at the sky with him.   
"Make a wish?" They both gazed up into the galaxy. Both of them small as they were, and yet they were bigger than the universe, and every universe besides this one. They were the only universe that mattered on that rooftop, the only one that even held a flame.  
"I wish for, one year soon, to be in Italy with Louis Grey, doing whatever we want to do." Louis looked at him, his mouth open just about a centimeter, his eyes full of so many things and yet still as the air around them as he looked at him. Carter smiled, his eyes reflecting the stars for a few more moments before returning Louis' gaze.   
"We'll just make the same wish.. Double our chance."   
Louis' jaw opened a little as if to say something, but didn't quite get the words out. After a moment he leaned into Carter, wrapping his arms around him and hugging him. Carter lifted his hand in the air, still for a moment, before returning the hold.  
"Someday." Louis mumbled. Carter squeezed him to his chest.  
"Someday."


	14. Chapter 14

It had been two days since Louis had been around, two days of worry. Since Louis' promise, they had spent as much time together as they used to, no need for him to run off for days at a time. If Carter was a more like a normal person in the way that he felt, he would have been angry. It was clear Louis had relapsed to his old method, breaking their compromise. But instead he just waited, feeling disappointment like a thin layer over his veins.   
Carter remembers when he got the call, and what he was doing. Standing outside, throwing a baseball in the air through the branches of a tree, aiming for higher branches each time. He was meddling pointlessly, if not pacing out his unhappy disposition by distracting himself.   
The screen door swung open, Lauren leaning out and calling to him.   
"You have a phone call, come on." Carter didn't react, turning to throw the ball one more time, before going inside.   
"Hurry up, it's Louis, don't keep him waiting!" Lauren retreated to the house, oblivious of the importance, or the unusual-ness of this phone call. He immediately turned, jogging up to the steps, the baseball forgotten. The sun was bright on this day, disturbed by a few clouds, the leaves tall and the world completely unaffected by the people that lived in it.   
The screen door swung shut behind him as he picked up the house phone.   
"Louis?" His voice held a tension higher than his normal energy.   
"Hey." His voice came through on the line, blurred in the distance between them, sounding tired but calm.   
"What... What's up, you've been gone." The line was quiet as Carter stood on the tile of his kitchen, waiting for the words on the phone.  
"Sorry.." Louis' voice was quiet, and soft like clean sheets spread on a bed, light weight. Yet somehow the weight of the conversation was still making itself known.  
"You.. Did you go out again.. I thought you were doing okay with- just, what we were doing. You didn't talk to me."   
"No, I didn't.. I told you I wouldn't, and I won't." Carter shifted.  
"Oh.. What's going on?" Another quiet break in conversation before Louis responded.  
"I'm at the hospital."   
Carter's brow pulled.  
"What... You're at the hospital?" It was a rhetorical question, worry and confusion coloring the tone.  
"Yeah.. Clear Brooke Medical." He mumbled.   
"What are you doing there? What happened." His voice caught up with his brain as he processed it.   
"It's not a big deal, I'm fine.. If you come we can talk."   
"What do you mean it's not a big deal? How long have you been there, Louis?"   
"For right now can you just come up here... I could use your company right now." His voice was quieter, becoming vulnerable and tired.   
"I- yeah, I'll be there. Give me thirty minutes." He swallowed.   
"Okay." Louis murmured quietly, sounding like the tiredness decompressed a little. The way someone sounds when given good news.   
"Okay.. Just, I'll see you in a minute."   
"Okay." He almost whispered. The line fell between them.   
Within a few minutes Carter was in the passenger seat as his mother drove them to the hospital, asking minimal questions, a worried look spared for him as he squeezed his fingers in his lap. On arrival, Carter got out, saying he'd call when he need to be picked up.   
He entered, his steps quick and concerned as he reached the front desk. Answering the receptionists questions.   
"Louis Grey." He signed in, his handwriting scribbled and quick, as the receptionist typed at the computer.   
"Room R99, second floor." Carter quickly made his way to the elevator and through the halls. The scent of the hospital was like cleaning gloves, but with a metallic tint. Sterile. When he got to the room he gently turned the metal knob, pushing the large door open. It was dark in the room, lit by a lamp and soft light from the window, shades drawn shut.   
In the bed lay Louis, his hair messy and his eyes tired, body equally as relaxed. The bed seemed to cradle him, his arm was attached to an iv, a monitor next to the bed showing his vitals.   
"Hey." Louis mumbled, looking at him. His eyes held apprehension, relief, worry, and guilt all at the same time. Carter stood, his mouth open slightly, staring. They stayed still for a moment before Louis pulled himself up, his eyes coloring with more worry. His shoulders draped in a hospital shirt, loose it hung over his chest, making him seem fragile and soft.   
"Are you okay?" Louis mumbled, his hands in his lap, voice quiet in the still room.   
"Am I okay?" Carter paused, finally stepping forward to him, he reached out to touch Louis' arm, thumbing the tape that held an iv needle into his arm. Louis let him for a moment, before he grabbed his shirt, tugging gently with a small hint of timidness. Carter wrapped his arms around him, holding him firmly as Louis held back. Carter's hold was stable and strong, but gentle with his body so as not to hurt him. Louis on the other hand held on tightly, his fingers gripping on and his eyes squeezing shut. They held for a moment before letting go slowly, with lingering hands. Carter turned to pull a chair to the bedside, sitting with his arms on the bed, his hand against Louis' crossed legs.   
"What happened." Louis looked at his lap, while Carter stared at the bandages wrapping around Louis' upper arm and shoulder.  
"Had an incident."   
"Would you start from the beginning?" Louis' eyes lost their vulnerability, and ever so silently shifted to an emotionless point.   
"I got to the hospital yesterday at about three in the morning.. I've been here since." Carter narrowed his eyes.   
"Louis." His tone showed his seriousness, making Louis grit his teeth.   
"I got jumped in the street, I was walking home and some guys came out of no where. I don't know who they were, they didn't tell me what they wanted, that's all there was to it." He sounded defensive, and Carter could tell he was doing well to lie. But the problem always was that Louis just didn't want to lie to him. Not really, no matter how much he needed to. So even when he pulled his best work, which was good, it just didn't pass believably. His body practically rejected the act of lying to Carter.   
He leveled Louis with a look like stone.   
"Seriously." His tone flat and solid. Louis looked away, and if Carter had watched he'd have seen his heart monitor react to the change in tempo of his pulse.   
"Yes." He replied, his tone shutting off, tightening with tension. Stubborn and defensive to the end.   
"You were jumped." Louis grit his teeth.   
"Yes." Carter's head pulled back and his eyes narrowed with disbelief.   
"By _who?_ The _town gang?_ " It was a sharp comment, referring to their quiet town with a barely relevant crime rate.   
"I don't need you to believe me, Carter." This time Louis faced him, looking him directly in the eyes. His eyes were cold and finally honest. It bit him like a snake, the words piercing right into him.   
"Apparently." He muttered, his eyes meeting his as they held each others gaze. Louis looked away first.   
Carter stood, his chest compressing a heavy sigh as he turned from the bed. Louis watched him with guilt and frustration that seemed tinted with pain as they stayed silent. Louis broke the quiet first.   
"We don't have to do this now.." He murmured, his eyes revealing confliction and regret.   
"We don't have to talk about this ever. We don't have to be honest ever, and as far as it looks, we aren't." He crossed his arms across his chest.   
"I'm sorry." Louis whispered, and he didn't even meet Carter's eyes because both of them had heard that before. Sorry just doesn't matter. If sentiment could solve problems, men would sing to their dying days.  
"If you want to leave you can, but I don't want to fight.. I just want you here." He mumbled. Carter stood for a moment, understanding that they weren't going to get anywhere on this never ending argument right now, and now certainly wasn't the time. He sighed and sat back in the chair, laying his head on the bed in his crossed arms, his brunet hair feathering close to Louis' legs. Louis shuffled weakly down, wincing in pain as he lay, curling his body around Carter's head. Before he could reach for his pillow, Carter pulled it closer to him, helping him get comfortable. Louis' hands found his hair, perhaps more for his own comfort than Carter's, combing it through his fingers as the soft lighting cloaked them both.   
"I don't mean to argue with you, while you're hurt.." He whispered, Louis' hand seemed to rest heavier in his hair as if showing his affection.   
"It's not your fault... I know I'd argue too."   
"It's really hard for me to not know what's going on, not when it's putting you in danger." He spoke, "I feel blind.. I'd give everything to help you. You know that."   
"I know." Louis whispered, "I know you would, Cassie." He mumbled, the pet name seemingly like a plea to bridge the gap between their opposing sides.   
"Thank god you're okay." Carter muttered. Louis drew his legs closer, curling in on them more.   
"Thank you for coming." He whispered.   
"All you have to do is call, Lou." He whispered back.   
And they lay like that for a good half hour before the door opened again.   
It was a man, about average height, black hair and brown serious eyes. He stepped in slowly, glancing at Carter as both of them sat up.   
"Hey, you." Louis shook his head as if mildly surprised, but he didn't seem shocked.  
"Uh, hey. I.. Hey."   
"Who's this?" The stranger looked at Carter, both of them holding a neutral gaze for each other.   
"This is Carter, Carter this is Jason."   
"Hi." Jason nodded, "Older brother."   
Carter looked at Louis sharply.   
"Brother?" Louis frowned.  
"I didn't hide him, it never came up! You don't ask as many questions as you think you do." Carter gave him a look of exasperation, returning to the new sibling.   
"You doing alright?" Jason addressed Louis, seemingly without any confusion for the situation. Did he already know? Did he believe Louis' story?   
"Yeah, I'm fine. How did you know I was here?" Jason had a very calm disposition it seemed.   
"I put myself down as your emergency contact. The hospital called me."   
"Hm." Louis nodded. They both sat in silence, and as much as Carter didn't feel like leaving him, it seemed like they had catching up to do. So he stood and looked to Louis.   
"I'm gonna go downstairs and get food, stretch my legs.. I'll come back in a bit." Louis nodded to him.   
"Okay.. if you change your mind or something don't leave without saying goodbye." Carter smiled softly and nodded, leaving. He got food, though he wasn't hungry, calling his mother from a hospital phone to say he'd be staying for a while.   
On his way back he walked slowly, giving them more time to be alone. When he got to the door he paused, hearing voices. Muffled through the door, he stood still, not acknowledging the fact that he knew he shouldn't be listening.   
"Jumped?" Jason's voice muffled through.   
"Don't start."   
"It just seems... A little not you."   
"What the hell does that mean."   
"You usually have good style, clever, I'd have expected a fake suicide attempt or something."   
"Sorry, I didn't exactly have the time or resources at the moment, I know I let you down." Louis snapped.   
"Don't be a smart ass, Louis. I should turn them in, right now in fact."   
"You said you wouldn't." Louis growled.   
"I know, and it's absolutely insane. This is just getting worse, and it's on my shoulders that I'm letting you stay. He's fucking insane, I don't understand what you're doing."   
"It's not that bad. I'm fine. You said you wouldn't force me to live with you. You promised."   
"I'm wrong for it. If something happens to you, it's going to be my fault."   
"It's my choice to stay here."   
"I don't understand why.. I bet you're staying for that kid in here, or some one else."   
At the mention of himself, Carter shook his head roughly, pushing the door open. Louis was glaring at Jason, letting it go as his friend entered the room. He returned to his chair and sat quietly as the conversation continued, notably in a completely different direction.   
When Jason left he hugged Louis.   
Louis sighed with fatigue and shifted slowly until he was laying down on the bed, patting the space next to him.   
"Lay?" Carter did, ever so carefully. His body laying against Louis' side gingerly, his arm above Louis head as he lay in a sort of protective arch around him. Louis shuffled so he was closer, both of them under the white hospital blanket.   
"You look really tired."   
"Yeah." Louis yawned, "I am."   
His eyes closed, he turned his head so his face brushed Carter's chest, exhaustion seemed to have drained his last bit of energy.  
"Go to sleep, I'll wake you up before I go." Carter murmured quietly.   
"Thank you."   
Carter reached behind him to turn off the lamp, turning back to his spot around him as he watched Louis, not for the first time or the last, fall asleep next to him.


	15. Chapter 15

Louis stepped down the last step into the basement, shadowed by Carter, just home from the hospital. He was watching closely to make sure Louis wasn't in pain, that he was comfortable. Louis seemed generally unfazed, simply behaving less actively. Louis paused, sighing.   
"Anything hurting?" Carter murmured, his hands in his pockets, such ever calm eyes on Louis. He thought Louis usually looked beautiful in the basement. The light slanted in through the small window set high up the wall, casting dynamic shadows. When the sun was out completely it's strong radiance shined through the suspended dust particles.   
"No, it's not too much." Louis replied; walking to the back of the couch, turning and leaning against it his hands braced on the back. Carter shifted forward a few steps, gazing at his friend.   
"Let me know if you need Tylenol or something." Louis looked at him, his head leaning slightly to the side. The atmosphere was calm. It felt comforting for them both to be together, though they could still feel the block between them. It was quiet for a few minutes, the silence being a relief from the feelings in the air from what had happened.   
"What do you think about staying the night out at the river this week?" The softness of their tone and the way the light lay warmly across their bodies calmed Carter. The way their eyes stayed on each other, it made him feel still and close to Louis.   
"Whatever you want to do. So long as you're well enough." Louis looked down, his eye lashes across his cheeks.   
"I'll be fine."   
"Sure.. Any friends?"   
"I don't know, not many for sure." Louis shrugged, returning his gaze.   
"Okay.." Louis shifted, looking down again, this time out in reaction to something he was thinking about.   
"We should just.. Spend the week chilling here I guess." He mumbled, "And we can spend the last night at the river.. Before you leave." Carter this time, really did feel the reaction in his chest. Before he didn't really notice the separation, it just kind of lay in his stomach, when he left for the summer. But this time he really didn't want to go, and it showed in his eyes, his muscles. There was something wrong with Louis. The last thing either of them needed was separation. Miles and miles of separation, for too long. Not while there was still things that needed to be resolved. Heavy things, that hung in the background of every conversation they had.   
"This time you have to call. At least twice a week." Louis smiled with one side of his mouth.   
"Don't trust me to stay clean?" It wasn't accusatory, if anything only gentle understanding.   
"I don't know what you'll do." Carter replied, giving him an honest look with a bittersweet half smile. "I just don't want to go the whole time without speaking. Letters are good but things can change.. You know, in the time between you sending the letter and me getting it. It'd be nice to be able to talk.. especially after all of this. And if it helps to keep you clean and sane that helps."   
"I will." Louis mumbled, "If your mom doesn't mind I can come over every other day to call you from here."   
"She'd probably like it more than you staying away." Louis smiled, his teeth beautiful and his eyes even more so.   
"Probably.. I'll call at four o'clock every other day?"   
"That sounds good.. thanks."   
"Yeah.. it's gonna suck." Louis huffed a laugh like he was trying to make light of it, if he could. He spoke the simple words like a concrete dam. They were a simplification of a much deeper sentiment, holding back a very real feeling that they both had. Things were bad, and neither of them could see a solution, now they'd lose the comfort of each other all together.   
"This time we'll stay in touch."   
So they lay in the basement watching movies, Louis not trying to leave and distract himself. It was like he wanted to be with Carter, where he felt right, and hated his need to run away and disconnect. When he was with him, he knew it was temporary, that in time he would be away and trying to consume experiences to sate the wrongness in his core. Trying to run away. But for now he was able to rest from his ache, able to just be.   
Carter could feel it in between them, that behind the shared understanding of their coming separation, Louis would be left alone.   
Both of them knew, Louis would be left behind, only now all he had were his distractions and no one for him to lean on. No where to go home to.   
His home would be in Europe, and he would be here; doing what it took to keep his head in the clouds.


	16. Chapter 16

The windows were down as the summer air flipped the boys hair. The thick green forest blurred past them as they drove, the sun edging towards the skyline. The rays cast rich piercing light into the dusty car, coloring the two of them. Carter was unknowingly smiling as he stared at Louis. His eyes could probably be on fire, the way they looked, squinted as he laughed. Oasis was playing, on request of one boy.  
They were having their last day, before the rest of the summer.  
They got out of the car; Louis, Carter, and a two of their friends. The sun was beginning to set as they walked through the field to the tree line. The sun was giving everything an infinite beauty, the grass waving at waist height. There were bugs and pollen floating in the air as they walked.  
When they got to the treeline there was a small opening onto the trail that led to the waterside. The same one they'd trekked quite a few times. It was only wide enough for one at a time at the entrance. The rest slipped into the trees and left the two of them.  
Carter stopped and smirked, getting a glance from Louis.  
"What?"  
"You first princess." He smiled, tossing his head to the trail.  
Louis' mouth dropped and he narrowed his eyes at Carter in disbelief, staring for a moment in amusement, aware that his own joke had been turned on him. He scoffed and rolled his eyes, smiling.  
"Fine." He ducked into the trees, followed by Carter as he chuckled.  
"I'll get you back for that eventually." Louis smiled over his shoulder. Carter chuckled.   
The day past, the moon was out and the sun had gone down long ago. The water flow past in no rush, black water graced with reflections of white. The boys sat on a blanket near the bank, encircled with trees, if they looked up they could see the stars hung heavy and untouchable in the sky, surrounding the full moon. Their friends were asleep around them, each in their own blankets.  
Louis sat next to Carter as they spoke to each other quietly, shrouded in the darkness but still illuminated by the eternal light of the galaxy.  
"I haven't seen any more shooting stars." Louis said as they tipped their heads back in unison to look up at the sky, "That's okay though, still beautiful." Carter nodded.  
"Yeah." He smiled.  
"We should have brought a CD player out here." Louis mumbled.  
"So we could listen to the same CD over and over." Carter laughed, Louis rolled his eyes.  
"Yeah, whatever."  
"I'll buy you a CD for Christmas, then." Carter looked to him.  
"We don't do presents, though."  
"Yeah, well.. We could." He shrugged.  
"I guess. Christmas seems like a long time from now." Louis murmured.  
"Yeah.. Well when school starts fall will too, then it'll be Christmas before you know it. Summer months never last that long."  
"Yeah, true. Glad you don't go to Italy during Christmas too."  
"You should spend Christmas with me and mom this year."  
"I don't know... It's kind of you guys' thing right?"  
"Well, some of my family comes over. I don't know, not really."  
"I don't want to be there like some orphan who needs a home for the holidays." Louis chuckled.  
"Well.. You should think about it. I'd like it, and mom would too, you know how she is. It's not like you wanna be home for it anyways." Louis frowned quickly, looking at him.  
"I'd be fine at home." Carter gave him a frown in return.   
"It doesn't seem like it..." Louis looked at the water.  
"I don't wanna talk about this, it's our last night.. I'll spend Christmas with you." He said it quietly, as if trying to avoid the concern and passion that it sparked in his friend when he usually said that.  
"I know you don't." Carter murmured gently, making it clear he wouldn't push. They sat quietly for a few moments, listening to the water pass.  
"Speaking of Christmas we should ask your mom to get an N64, like the one we play on at Alex's." Louis smiled. Carter rolled his eyes, smiling.  
"Those are kind of expensive for someone who doesn't play video games." Louis whined.  
"Come on, it would be so fun."  
"We'd never leave the basement."  
"So, that's not exactly a tragedy." Carter laughed.  
"I'm not getting something that I'm not going to use unless you're here. You're not even that into video games anyways."  
"You're just saying that because you lose every time we play." Carter gave him a dry look of amusement.  
"I don't lose every time, and they're your friends so you have more practice, it's not like you're skilled at it."  
"Whatever, the facts are the facts. You suck at it, and if you had one you wouldn't suck so bad."  
"You're so full of it, I don't suck." Carter laughed, leaning on his hands.  
"I think you need to defend your honor as an N64 player." Louis gave him a look of mischief and Carter knew right away what was going to happen.  
"No, I don't have any honor, I don't play it." Carter spoke sternly.   
"Do you want to dishonor your family?" Louis started to shuffled onto his knees and Carter put a hand on him, holding him away.  
"No, I'm not wrestling you for my honor." Carter urged in a hushed tone, glanced at the sleeping bodies a few yards away from them, trying to keep his voice down.  
"Ha! So you admit you have honor to restore!" Carter put another hand on him as he cackled, trying to tickle him.  
"Louis, they're sleeping, I'm not wrestling you. Shh!" Carter couldn't help himself from smiling as he struggled to hold Louis back.  
"Defend your honor!" Louis strained, forcing more laughs as he strained to tickle Carter.  
"No!" Carter grunted, still trying to restrain him with his arms and one leg.  
"Dishonor to your family!" Louis wriggled until he slipped right through his fingers, barreling onto him and pushing him down. He erupted into laughter as he balanced over Carter, tickling his neck and arm pits. Carter struggled trying to keep his yelps and laughs down, the blankets getting disorganized under them.  
"Get off!" Carter squirmed, clamping his arms shut and trying to squish Louis' hand between his shoulder and his neck, strangled noises escaping as they laughed and struggled.  
"Dishonor to your family! Your family and your cow!" Louis screeched, struggling to hold Carter down. Carter grunted and got a hold of his wrist and his arm, pushing him up as he sat up. Between the two of them, Carter was bigger for sure. But Louis packed a touch bit of spit fire. Regardless, Carter pushed him over and into the blankets, using his weight to hold him as Louis struggled fruitlessly squealing in despair as he began to lose.  
"Get off, freaking cow!" Louis squealed between laughs.  
"Shhhhh." Carter laughed, still holding him as he tried to silence him.  
"I'll be quiet if you get off!" Louis panted. Carter reveled in his victory for a moment, leaning down and licking his cheek wetly.  
"Gaa! Gross!" Louis struggled in vain. He smirked and let go, rolling off and laying on his back. Louis, still bubbling with energy, growled as he wiped his face off, much to Carter's amusement.  
Before Carter could stop him, Louis rolled up and pounced on him heavily, scrambling onto him until he straddled his waist. Carter squealed, trying to catch his arms again.  
"Not fair! You called cease fire!" Carter grunted, trying to get control as Louis quickly weaseled his way closer and licked a slimy stripe up his face.   
"Ugh, okay, okay." Carter groaned, trying to wipe his cheek on his shoulder. Louis panted and put his hands in the blankets on either side of him.  
"I didn't call cease fire, I said I'd be quiet." Louis whispered, smiling a huge grin. Carter, his eyes still squeezed shut as he got his face clean, finally opened them. He looked up to Louis and panted.  
"Fine. You win, truce. You're the strongest of them all." Louis smiled with teeth and pride in his eyes.  
"Thank you." Carter looked up at him, his eyes glinting with sly amusement, their faces close enough to feel each other's breath.  
"Princess." He muttered under his breath. Louis groaned and laughed, throwing his head back and sitting up.  
When Louis straightened up, his shoulder's falling back and his messy hair falling over his forehead as he panted, he sat back and his weight shifted down onto Carter's lower stomach, just above his hips. Carter smiled up at him, thinking for a split second that he looked gorgeous, and then setting his hands on his hips. They settled comfortably, and fit perfectly, his thumbs grazing Louis' stomach. It wasn't something he had thought through, it was subconscious. But both of them seemed to feel a shift in between them and they stopped smiling, staring at each other. Carter's stomach felt a deep, turning heat, right under the spot where Louis straddled him. His weight settled on him and his skin started tingling all of the sudden. Louis' hands had rested in between his thighs on Carter's stomach, and now Carter felt all too aware of every point of pressure from Louis' body. Both of them were still, not yet processing what had was happening.  
A voice broke them out of their frozen states, making them both jump.  
"If you two don't shut the fuck up, I'm going to sleep in the car." A muffled voice grumbled in exasperation.  
Louis got off of him and sat on the blankets, his hands next to him and gripping them as he stared at his knees. Carter lay where he was, his hands next to him as he stared up at the stars, his eyes slightly wide.  
His brain was felt like a card tower. One little change and now everything was lying in a pile of confused and shocked. His thoughts were frozen and one single sentence seemed to call above them.  
 _What the hell was that?_  
Louis swallowed and shifted, grabbing the blanket that he had been using to cover himself with. It had been tossed aside by their struggles. He pulled it to him and sat for a second, as if getting back his motor functions. He laid down, and shuffled under the blanket, laying on his back. Carter leaned up so his elbows were supporting him as he reached for his and pulled it over him, up to his ribs. Louis on the other hand had pulled his up to his neck, and was now staring up at the moon with eyes just about as pale looking as the disk itself.  
They lay in silence for a few moments, until Carter broke it.  
"Uh, so..-" He sounded like he still hadn't recovered.  
"Yeah?" Louis spoke, both of them much quieter now.  
"Sleep?"  
"Yeah, me too, yeah."  
"Cool."  
They lay there quietly for a long time, about fifteen minutes past with nothing but the sound of crickets and the river.  
"You awake?" Louis whispered. Carter nodded.  
"Yeah." Louis let out a tiny laugh under his breath, it seemed like the glass wall of confused tension between them had left finally. They lay quietly for a few more moments.  
"When you're gone we'll still be seeing the same moon, you know." Louis whispered.  
"I know." Carter whispered back. And that was the last thing they said, both of them seeming content with silence as they lay next to each other.  
When Carter woke up, the sun had begun to rise, not quite visible yet. The air was cool and wet, colored with purple and blue as the river and the forest began to brighten up.  
In the night, while both of them slept, Louis had moved so that he lay with his back pressed against Carter's arm. They went on with their day and parted for the summer, not speaking about anything from that night.


	17. Chapter 17

Louis,

I can't wait to get back. Besides that, it's been different this time around, I think. I think it's because you've called me this time. Every time I get off the phone with you I feel.. better in a way. I can't explain it. But, this time I've seen Italy in a way I didn't before. I knew it was beautiful before, but now I.. know it. I see this time. I've been taking pictures to send back to you now. Before, I don't know why, I didn't care about this place. But now I can't stop thinking of things and wishing you could see them. I love your phone calls, it's really good for me to hear you.. in real time. I still worry about you but I have more hope about it this time.. I can hear when you have had a bad day, when we talk. It's usually when I wish I was there the most. I know I don't talk so much on the phone about it, but I don't want you to let yourself get bad. I'm coming back soon, half the month is over. When I get back, things will be better. I'll keep all the pictures and give them to you when I get back. Thanks for making Italy beautiful.. I'm really talkative right now, so this letter is kind of long. I've got a few more stories to tell you when we talk again. It's Friday, so I'll probably hear from you tomorrow.

-Cassie

 

-

Louis,

 

I know you're not feeling well right now, and I don't know why that is. But I can see you're a strong person. That's why I know whatever it is is bad, because I don't believe there are many things that could stop you. Yesterday, on the phone, I wished I was there. I want to fix everything for you. Whatever it is, I know you can handle it. You're the strongest person I've ever known.

 

-Carter

 

-

 

Louis,

 

Your stories are always hilarious, it sucks I'm not there. A whole month we could be playing, or something I don't know. It's alright though, one day you'll get to come with me. Don't think I've forgotten about that!

 

-Carter

 

-

 

Louis,

 

I've been trying to find cool places to take pictures of for you, it's not that hard! My dad says I've been different lately. I think so too, hearing your voice makes me feel less.. weird. You know what I mean. I'm surprised Alexia finally told Jasey. Even I noticed it, I don't know how he didn't. By the way, thanks for letting me send you things in Italian. It's fun letting you decode them, and nice for me anyways.

 

-Carter

 

-

 

Louis,

 

You don't have to send letters and call me, so I'm glad you do. It's nice to have a the paper with your hand writing on it. You can sleep at my mom's house, hope you know that. She's not going to send you away.

 

-Carter

 

 

-

 

Louis,

 

Sorry for saying what I did in my last letter. When we were arguing on the phone I didn't really know how to respond.. so this is it. I don't want to fight on the phone, so I didn't mean to upset you. I was just saying that, in case you needed to, you could. I know you can handle yourself, you know. I just don't want you to do it alone, that's it.

 

-Carter

 

 

-

 

Louis,

 

You didn't call yesterday. It's been almost four days since I've heard from you. I don't know what to say, call me.

 

-Carter

 

-

 

 

Louis,

 

I was in a library yesterday, and I saw a map of the world on the wall. Sometimes, it's like the Atlantic Ocean get's bigger on each map.

 

-Carter

 

 

-

 

Louis,

 

I know I didn't really say much when you called back. I was just happy to know you're alright. I could practically hear how tired you were, I'm sorry, for whatever happened. I know you don't want to talk about it. Thank you for not doing drugs. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

 

-Cassie

-

 

Louis,

 

The month is almost over, my dad says he's gonna miss me a lot this time. We kind of spoke more this time. I took a lot of pictures of him around the places we went, and in the house. You'll finally get to see what he looks like. I think I'll miss him this time too.. I actually paid attention to the things he did this time, and where we were. It's helped me talking to you. I'll actually miss him this time, his name is Mathew. He told me to tell you hi in my next letter. He notices me writing these, haha. Only a week and half, and I'll be leaving. I'm happy to be coming back, but I'll probably call my dad more this time. He's a good dad, I just didn't.. think about it before I guess.

 

-Carter

 

-

 

 

Louis,

 

Leaving this week! Thanks for sending me all these letters and calling me. I know I'll be seeing you soon, but I don't know if I'll tell you all this when I get home. It just helped a lot. I hope you're working on your piano skills, I can't wait to hear you when I get back. School starts soon, so you'll have one to play on more. It's gonna be great to be back. See you soon.

 

-Carter


	18. Chapter 18

Carter looked out the window as his town moved past him for the first time in weeks. The light reflected in his eyes, his mother glancing at him every few moments. She smiled in a way that seemed to be both about love and gentle worry, something mothers seemed to be masters at. Carter was oblivious as always, thinking about seeing Louis again as the world passed him by.  
He looked down at his lap, his hands holding a stack of pictures. His fingers spread them slightly, showing photographs of Italy. His father smiling to him in a few of them. A piano in one of them. He looked up and saw the car turn a familiar road, his eyes shifting back down to his pictures, Louis' pictures. Before he could get home, he changed his mind. Reaching down to his feet he grabbed his back pack, the carry on bag from his flight. Unzipping the pack, he slipped the pictures into it, zipping it back. They would wait there.  
The car pulled into his driveway, and he got out, pulling his back pack on.  
"Welcome home!" His mother smiled. Carter smiled softly back to her. He started to walk to the back of the car to get his things.  
"Hold on, hon, why don't you go set your bag down inside first? We'll get the rest in a minute." Carter gave her a confused sort of look, but being him, he shrugged. She smiled shooing him inside. He walked in, glancing at the stairs and thinking of when Louis would be here. He passed through his hallway and got to his bedroom, opening it.  
On the bed Louis tossed a book aside, his face lighting up as he jumped to his feet.  
"Louis?" Carter's face lit with surprise.  
"In the flesh." Louis smiled wide, crossing the room and hugging him around his ribs, pressing him close.  
"Hey!" Carter laughed, holding back. "I didn't think you'd be here." Louis held tightly, like he always did.  
"I was waiting." Carter squeezed him, reveling in the fact that he seemed to have grown just a little bit taller than him once again.  
"That was too long." Carter mumbled, his breath disturbing Louis hair.  
"Way too long." Louis whispered, half to himself. Carter, looked at him, his brow pulling. He saw Louis' eyes closed. The fake lighting from the room lighting them both. Before Louis' heat could fully seep through his clothing, before either of them could fully think about their own words, he pulled away stepping back. Carter shrugged off his back pack.  
"Um, I have to get my stuff out of the car." Louis nodded, confidently leading the way back outside.  
"Guess what I got?" Louis murmured as they dropped Carter's stuff on the floor in his room. He looked up. Louis pulled reached into his pocket and smiled cheekily as he pulled out a driver's license. Carter smiled, laughing.  
"Perfect."  
"Right, well we'll still be walking most places. Ideally, a license goes with an actual car, but we'll do what we can." Louis shrugged.  
Carter felt right again.

-

School started fast and so did fall.  
The first difference was subtle, to Carter at least. To anyone else, it may have very well been an actual elephant in the kitchen.  
Carter jumped as water flecked his arms, whipping around to see Louis smirking with wet hands from the sink. He set the dishes he was holding down in the cupboard.  
"I can get you back, you know?" Louis smiled satisfied and turned to the sink, hands covered in soap as he rinsed dishes.  
"Or you could help."  
"I am!" He walked to Louis' side by the sink, picking up dirty dishes. Louis chuckled happily. After a few minutes of idle talking, scrubbing in the  
sink, Louis glanced to the living room, seeing it empty.  
"It's nice having you back."  
Carter smiled softly.  
"Yeah."  
"Hope you didn't have too much fun without me." Louis drew his hands out of the water, drying them and turning around to lean against the counter, looking to Carter at his side as he continued in his side of the sink.  
"I didn't." Carter huffed amused, "There's not really anyone in Italy to have fun with."  
Louis' eyes watched him with subtle searching look.  
"No Italian girls?" Carter's brow pulled in a little bit.  
"No." He laughed softly.  
"No Italian boys?" Louis' fingers shifted absently on the counter as he spoke.  
"No.. I don't think so?" Carter looked at him curiously, before looking back at the dishes.  
"All the fun is over here, hm?"  
"I don't know.. if there's a difference?" Carter laughed still bemused.  
"Well... I think I prefer my fun to be English speaking."  
"Oh.. Well.. That makes sense."  
"How?" Louis mumbled, watching him closely.  
"Well.. you can't really speak Italian..."  
"Don't think that has anything to do with it. You can speak both..." Carter paused.  
"Yeah.. well, I don't know. You speak English, so I guess I prefer English..." He glanced at Louis. Louis turned away, busying himself with a towel.  
"Cool."  
Later, when they sat on the couch to watch a movie, Carter noticed Louis watching him from the side of his vision as he shifted until their sides touched. He pretended not to notice. Best friend's sit like this, he was sure.

-

It was a bit into the first month of school, fall having begun just now. The leaves turning colors. Louis sat cross legged on the bed in Carter's room. Both of them facing each other as they played a card game. It happened again. Oasis was playing metso piano in the back ground. Carter's brow creased slightly as he looked at the cards.  
"That guy was hitting on you in school today." Louis looked up at him, watching him like a fox watches the snow over the spot he hears prey moving under ground.  
"Yeah.. He was." He murmured. Carter still stared at the cards.  
"Yeah." Louis tried to focus and continue playing cards, trying not to break whatever about the situation was making Carter speak about this.  
"You're not going to talk to him?"  
"No, I'm not." Louis continued carefully.  
"Okay." Carter mumbled.  
"Why?" Louis asked casually, feeling precarious, as he tried not to disturb the direction Carter's thoughts were going in.  
"I don't know. You just, like guys, and he's a guy. He doesn't seem good though." Louis' eyes watched him and the fox that tracked the rabbit was frozen as he tried not to be detected. In Louis' head, he was pulled between the worry that Carter was able to speak about this because he didn't feel anything about it, and concentration on what he was saying, perhaps that he was curious because it matter to him.  
"No, I don't think so either." Carter nodded to himself as he thought about the next card in the game they played.  
"Some of them seem like they've kissed too many people." He mumbled. A crease formed in Louis' brow.  
"Some of them have.. You haven't kissed anyone, yet. Right?"  
"No."  
"That's good." Carter looked up.  
"But you've kissed people before, that's bad?" Louis stopped looking so much like a fox. Now he looked up at Carter with honesty in his gaze.  
"There are a lot of times I shouldn't have."  
"You're not the people who have kissed you, though." Louis gave him a tender tilt of a smile.  
"Maybe not. Maybe someday I'll be okay with being the people I've kissed. They could change." Louis mumbled, holding his gaze.  
"They can't change you, though. And if they want to, they shouldn't kiss you anyways." Louis seemed to blank at that, unable to look away. Soon, he did. Looking down at the cards he swallowed.  
"You're move."

-

Carter sat on the couch in the basement as the sun streamed through the window, casting rays of light on them both. He smiled warmly as Louis jumped up, turning up music. It played an up beat, thickly scored song. He smiled and danced for him, giving him white toothed smiles as he twirled comically. Carter crossed his arms, head tilting to the side slightly as he watched.  
"Come on!" Carter shook his head, giggling.  
"Yes!" Louis reached for him as he hopped in silly movements to the song.  
"No, I don't know how to!"  
Louis ran forward as the song pitched loudly, grabbing his hand and pulled. Carter protested as he let himself be pulled up to the middle of the room.  
"Like this!" Louis called over the sound. As Carter began to get the hang of it, the voice and the key in the song went up a few notes, soaring happily. He laughed as Louis held his hands and pulled him in little circles to the song.  
"I don't know how to dance." Carter chuckled, blushing.  
"Neither do I." Louis held ducked as he twirled under his arm. "Your turn!"  
Carter ducked down low and shuffled under Louis arm as he held it above his head.  
"Your too big to be the princess." Louis cackled, Carter tripped and they clutched at each other to stay up. Carter fell forward, Louis holding on as both of them tumbled down. They lay on the floor cackling in a pile of limbs.  
Carter shuffled onto his hands and knees, ending up right over him. Louis lay on the ground, still giggling, both of their hair in disarray.  
Carter stayed there, as they caught their breath. As he hovered over him he caught himself thinking, once again, about the way Louis looked. It wasn't particularly his beauty, because he was beautiful, but it was what he did with it. It made his breath catch in his chest. Right now, as Louis' brilliant blue eyes squinted with joy, they seemed to gleam. His smile did something beautiful with his whole face, and his white teeth showed, making his mouth look even better. His face flushed and his dark hair in all different places, he seemed absolutely beautiful. And that was all above the shoulders.  
Louis' laughing died quietly and his smile fell only slightly with distraction. His eyes held the same light, but were now focused, as he seemed to forget the fun. Carter didn't move, not understanding the perhaps inappropriate closeness of their behavior, only enjoying it. Louis did though, and it showed in the awareness of his eyes. He didn't move away though.  
Both of them were still, and Carter couldn't think of anything other than the way he looked. The way he lay still, the way his eyes focused wide on himself, the way he swallowed and his shoulders relaxed.  
But, before that moment could push them into the next, before they had to confront their thoughts the door opened with a creak.  
"Laundry." Lauren chimed, a basket on her hip as she stepped into the room.  
Louis practically jumped out of his skin, turning and sliding out from under him. Carter didn't feel the same urgency, not moving his arm when Louis turned to roll away, making him crawl out between his arm and his leg.  
Lauren smiled to them as she went to the laundry machine. The room began to smell of detergent, and Louis coughed quietly, sitting on the couch.  
Carter settled comfortably on the floor, leaning back on his hands.  
"Are you guys hungry?" His mother chatted over her shoulder.  
Carter looked to Louis, expecting his answer, only to see him focused on his fingers in his lap.  
"Uh, I guess." Carter answered.  
"Why don't you come help me make soup? I have cream of mushroom and crackers, if that sounds good."  
"Yeah, good, thanks Miss Rose." Louis spoke up, looking at her and not sparing a glance for her son. Carter tilted his head, confused from the speed at which he removed himself from their playing.  
They both followed her up the stairs and into the kitchen, letting the day carry on as Louis resumed his playful attitude, throwing crackers at his friend and brightening the kitchen with his shine.

-

It was a Thursday. A normal Thursday. School dragged on, and when it was over they walked together to the furniture store. On the way there, they talked about the day and made each other laugh. It was cold, and the leaves were falling from the trees in red and orange spirals, sprinkles, and flurries. The clouds hung full in the sky, fully calling in the fall chill. The boys wore their coats unzipped, warmly colored leaves sticking to their shoes as they walked.  
When they got to the store, parking lot empty and the doors fogged with warm indoor air, they stood outside drawing in the condensation on the windows.  
They did wait for Lauren, about ten minutes, standing outside as they did every day after school.  
"You've never been inside, right?" Louis broke the silence.  
"Inside here?" His voice pitched with surprise, nodding to the store they stood in front of.  
"Yes, dork, in here." Carter shrugged.  
"Well, no. I guess, no. There's nothing in there but mattresses, and.. other stuff." He chuckled, looking at the doors. The sign was turned to 'closed'. Technically it was closed for the day. The man who ran the store was old and it was a small town, so closing this early wasn't strange.  
"Let's go." Louis smiled widely to him.  
"What? Why?" He turned, his eyes following Louis as he took a few steps in the direction of the store, turning to look back at Carter.  
"We've been standing outside this place, litterally, five days out of seven for more than three years. We met here. You've never seen the inside, lets go try it out! Besides," Louis gave a mischievous pout. "It's cold outside."  
Carter gave him a dead pan look.  
"Whatever, it's barely even sixty. Besides, it's closed, we can't." Louis stepped forward, and Carter knew right away he was about to be persuading him.  
"Come on! The guy is old, so he's probably not even here! It's always closed at this time, has been for like a year, so we'd have to go now."  
Carter gave him an amused, confused look.  
"Louis, wh- It's _closed._ "  
"Yeah, maybe, bu-"  
"Not maybe, definitely, it litterally says closed on the door."  
"No, maybe it's closed, but it's not locked! Barely anyone steals anything around here, so who's gonna steal furniture." Carter gave him an unsure look.  
"I don't know.." Louis reached for his wrist, tugging.  
"Come on, I'm bored, it'll be fun. Like an abandoned city!" Carter rolled his eyes, laughing at his imagination and enthusiasm. But he let himself be pulled forward. Louis cheered triumphantly, both of them walking to the door. It didn't open for them, but with a little pull it slid open easily, sinking them into warm air.  
Carter followed closely as Louis strolled confidently along. It was a big store, and the isles stood like mazes. Mattresses lay in large patches, and where they were not, other kinds of chairs and couches stood. A few isles held rows of trinkets and antiques, seemingly old and useless.  
Louis smiled, turning to look at him.  
"See? Now you know!"  
Carter looked around before replying.  
"Yeah. Well.. That was cool.."  
Louis laughed before leading them deeper into the store.  
"We may as well play around while we're here!"  
Carter smiled, following.  
They walked through tall isles of mirrors and wall things and weird trinkets. They played with things and laughed at each other, sitting on a few chairs and laying on a few mattresses. They had the whole store, empty and vacant, to themselves.  
It wasn't until they both stood laughing as they jumped on one of the beds that they heard the chimes of the door opening. They froze, unable to see the door, they heard footsteps and the sound of loose keys.  
"Oh no." Carter whispered, almost comically as they stood frozen on the mattress.  
They heard the footsteps pause, before they started to walk towards them. Louis' hand gripped Carter's arm like a vice and he leaped off of the mattress, pulling Carter. As they darted away from the footsteps, Louis let go of his hand, running as quietly as they could through the tall isles.  
"We're gonna be in so much trouble!" Carter whispered, looking hastily over his shoulder as they ran faster to the back of the store.  
"No, we're not! Shut up!"  
"They know someone's here!" He whispered, following with both of their hearts beating heavily in their chests.  
"Shut up, do you want to be heard?" Louis laughed under his breath, making Carter feel all right.  
After a few moments, Louis opened a door at the very back of the store. Carter almost groaned as he slipped silently behind him, closing the door. It was a darker, smaller room, filled with stacks and rows of mattresses. At the back was a loading dock, the door closed, but perhaps unlocked.  
Carter pulled at Louis' sleeve, trying to lead him out of the store.  
Louis stood heavily in place though, grabbing him tightly and forcefully pulling him to the back of the room. Louis yanked him into a crevasse between a tall mattress and the wall, squirming until they were unable to be seen.  
Louis' back to the wall, his hands gripped onto Carter's coat, staring at the opening to their tiny cave.  
The door to the storage room opened and footsteps entered not one moment after they had hidden.  
"Oh my god." Carter whispered, disbelief in his hushed tone as he cursed them for thinking this was a good idea. Louis put a finger over his mouth, signaling to be quiet. They stood silently, Carter's hands framing Louis against the wall. Their bodies were close together and their breath collided between them. In the silence they could hear their own heart beats, heavy as bricks as they waited, footsteps moving about the room.  
They stood like that for what seemed like too long, then the door opened and shut, plunging the room into silence.  
The frozen two stood, holding their breaths to listen. Louis exhaled and looked up at him. Carter huffed a breath of air out and they both started laughing. Quiet, exhilarated laughs, hushed under their breath.  
"Jesus Christ." Louis laughed, both of them still whispering. He had to duck his head to fit into the small space, crowding Louis' smaller body.  
"I can't believe we did that." Louis spoke again.  
"I can't believe you got us out of that." Carter looked at him. In the tiny space Louis said something that inflicted tangible pain on Carter's heart.  
"I'm good at running away." Louis whispered, still smiling, but his words honest. It made Carter's smile fade.  
"I wish you weren't." Louis broke from his smile as well, looking up to him. They were so close.  
"I've never run away from you."  
They looked at each other, neither smiling any more. And the air, the air they shared in the tiny space, suddenly became so thick it saturated Carter's lungs. He could feel his heart beating like the tides in his chest, and his stomach became hot and tingly and cold all at the same time. He didn't know what Louis was thinking, but for some reason, at that moment he didn't think about it. He felt Louis' breath and heard every single movement he made.  
He looked at Louis for a moment, eyes baring down like the sun, before he leaned forward just one tiny inch.  
He stopped, and with eyes half closed he looked at Louis before he made another move. Louis closed his eyes and his breath stumbled. Carter felt his hands grip just a little tighter into his clothes, and he understood that he wouldn't be stopped.  
He leaned forward the last inch and kissed him.  
It was soft, and still. Like a feather upon the ground.  
In Carter his whole body felt like a live wire.  
Louis kissed back and his chest collapsed, exhaling against him. Carter placed one hand on his jaw, his thumb gentle against his cheek and his fingers in his hair.  
Carter pulled back ever so slightly, eyes opening to meet him. Louis' brow creased and he leaned up, trying not to let him leave as he did. When it was broken, Louis leaned back again, looking to him with eyes slightly wide and mouth still open. His breath was staggered and soft, amazed.  
Carter gave a tiny little smile, and Louis returned it with a tiny graceful smile.  
"Hi." Carter whispered to him. Louis huffed a breath of air, speechless.  
"Will you... do that again.. please."  
Carter couldn't stop the soft flush of joy in his eyes. He put his other hand in his hair, letting himself feel his thick, soft, warm hair.  
This time, Louis reached up to rest his hand against his neck. He leaned up to kiss him again, soft, pecks. They searched, neither of them knowing the field which they were walking right now, kissing slowly and feeling it out as they went.  
To say it felt good, Carter thought, may well have been the understatement of the year.  
Louis pulled back again, the dumbstruck smile still on both of them.  
"We have to go." He whispered.  
Carter swallowed, not sure if he would ever do this again, suddenly afraid. And he guesses it showed in his eyes, because Louis reached to his face and grabbed his hand. Soft and innocent and warm, settling with their fingers twined. Reassurance.  
They squeezed out of the space, silently leaving through the back door. Into the cool autumn air, both of them seeming hushed into silence. Louis didn't let go and they walked around the side of the store, linked. They got to the parking lot and saw his mother's car waiting. Louis opened the door and their hands let go, both of them climbing into the back seat.  
Lauren smiled and greeted them both, asking them about their day.  
"Your cheeks look all red, the weather must really be turning." She giggled. Both of them smiled slowly, laughing softly.  
As the trees flew past, Louis lay his hand on his and Carter reached with one finger to link them together loosely.


	19. Chapter 19

Carter closed the door to his room, Louis with him. The sun had gone down and they were finally alone.  
When they had gotten home they had continued with their day like nothing had happened, hyper aware of each other. They had even gone to school the next day, trying to act normally. Carter had lay in bed that night staring at the ceiling, smiling.  
Now it was Friday night, and they could feel the freedom of the weekend upon them both; right next to the fireflies in the atmosphere between them, now that things had changed and there were things to figure out now. Good things, instead of bad.  
In the silence, Carter turned on the beside light, illuminating the other wise dark room. He sat down on the blankets, looking at Louis and swallowing. It had been two long days of them going on and not speaking of it. Now, in the quiet privacy, it was what they were both thinking of.  
"So.." Carter started, mouth open and nothing coming.   
"Don't." He stopped him, walking forward he came to the side of the bed. He watched him closely as he sat on the bed next to him. They sat in the darkness, broken by the warm light of the lamp, no sound but their own breath. Before Louis could do anything, Carter felt he had to speak.  
"Wait. I- I kept thinking about it and, I just wanted to say sorry. For not asking you. I know I didn't really ask you what you wanted, and I wanted to make sure you don't do anything you don't want to." He mumbled. Louis took a deep breath, ready to make it clear what he wanted, and once he did there was no turning back. No saying it was just something that happened, once upon a time.  
"I definitely wanted to. If I didn't I would have stopped you."  
Carter exhaled and nodded.  
"Okay." He murmured.  
"I want to try something..." He said quietly, "All you have to do is stop me if you want to." Carter nodded, and knew that he wouldn't do that.  
Louis shifted until he was right next to him, facing him. He sat for a moment, slow as if learning as he went. He slowly leaned in until he was so close he could breath in his breath. Carter closed his eyes, so still. Louis brought his hand to his face, before he leaned in and kissed him. Gently and softly, Carter wanted more but knew that this was Louis' turn to try. It was his turn to see what this was, and so he needs control; Carter made sure to stay still and cooperate at whatever pace was set.  
Louis kissed slowly and it felt so good Carter gripped the sheets to stay still. Louis pulled away and sat back pulling his hand back and exhaling. He smiled and blushed, looking down at his lap.  
"Okay?" Carter mumbled, wanting to know what was happening.  
"Yeah, okay. Better than okay." Louis' smile grew and he laughed quietly, bashful.  
"Can I, now?" Carter swallowed, smiling as he sat where he was. Louis looked up and laughed at him, how obvious it was that he was making himself sit still.  
"Yeah." He breathed, shifting.  
Carter sat up and got closer to the middle of the bed, pulling Louis by the hand until they sat close. He shifted so he sat on his legs, and put a hand on the side of Louis' face, his other hand on his waist. Louis sucked a breath in and his eyes fluttered.  
"Are you nervous?" Carter murmured, his voice quiet and resonate as he hovered so close to him. Louis made a sound in the back of his throat and then exhaled a laugh.  
"Yes. I guess so, yeah. I don't know why."  
Carter reached down and took his hips, pulling him closer. Then he gripped his hair, gently and kissed him. This time there wasn't any slowness,  
no uncertainty. He started firmly, pressing their lips together, not going too fast he kissed deeply, like he had been wanting to for a long time. Louis kissed back and progressively they got closer and closer, bodies pressing together, until he broke away, breathing in deeply.  
"I can't believe this." Louis whispered, his eyes bright as he put a strong hand on Carter's collar, pushing him back. Carter let himself be pushed back into the soft bed, his head on the pillows. Louis wiggled through his legs and sat on his hips, making Carter jump and Louis giggle to him. Louis touched his stomach so softly, looking at him with eyes so soft that Carter couldn't actually bring himself to pull his lips down closer. He felt his heart contract and affection seemed to be in the blood pumping from his veins. He felt love in his heart and he was discovering him new again. Louis looked to his eyes and leaned down so his arms circled his head and his breath clashed with his.  
Carter put his hands into his hair and kissed him deep and hungrily, not ready to wait any longer. He wrapped his arm around Louis and pulled him so that his body was pressed against his as he kissed his hands roaming and holding in places that he had never felt in this way before. He touched him and held him close as he could. He felt that he was learning a new form of a person he knew very well. He felt love in his heart. He felt happiness that Louis was in his bed, in his house, with him tonight. Louis kissed deeply and his mouth felt soft - so soft - and warm.  
Catching their breath they pulled apart, breathing into each other's mouths. Louis supported himself on his hands and raised his chest off of him so that he could lean over him, looking at him.  
"I've been thinking about that for a while." He breathed, seeming like all of his confidence and cool was in the wind, replaced with a breathless light. Carter felt comfortable in that moment, in so many ways. He felt safe and happy and warm, laying under him.  
"What are you thinking?" Carter murmured quietly.  
"I finally get to start kissing you." He breathed, moving one hand to his ribs and touch him, his eyes soft as he began to trace him.  
"You can teach me." Carter mumbled, unable to not look at him.  
"I know. I can't wait." He giggled.  
Carter lay there as he was touched through his shirt. His ribs touched each in turn. When he was done, Louis leaned down and kissed him. Both of them closing their eyes as their mouths met. Then Louis pulled away and kissed his forehead, then his nose each gracing his skin softly. He then kissed down to his lips, on the corners then again on his mouth.  
"Thanks." Louis whispered.  
"For what?"  
"Kissing me. And other things, too. Just.. a lot of things."  
Carter lay under him, Louis having leaned back. He pulled up so that his elbow supported him, bring him close enough so he could press a kiss to his mouth, in response. Louis exhaled against him and then lay down next to him, sliding onto the bed. Their legs tangled together they faced each other, arms in between them both in a twine of fingers.  
"Why didn't you tell me before?" Carter asked. Louis huffed a little breath of air, smiling softly with a tinge of sad.  
"It's pretty hard to tell what you want." Carter frowned, so he continued.  
"It's really hard.. I never really fully know what you want." Louis murmured, "You don't make yourself understood. I see you, and the way you watch everyone else. It's like you don't recognize yourself as a part of everyone's... world. Like you're barely there sometimes."  
"I'm sorry..." Carter mumbled.  
"Don't say you're sorry for the way you are." He whispered.  
"You don't... dislike it?" He asked in the dark, only aware of the way he may affect Louis. He didn't even really think about if what Louis said was true. It didn't cross his mind to consider if there was something off about the way he was.  
"No." Louis whispered, "I don't ever dislike you. I just worry that's all."  
"Okay."  
"I've always liked you." He mumbled, and he curled his legs around Carter's closer.  
It was the first night he fell asleep next to Louis and held him without wondering where to stop.


	20. Chapter 20

Carter sat in his basement falling asleep on the couch, listening to the rain on the windows.  
The world was dark outside and it was another Friday night, cold but not cold enough for snow. He lay half asleep in the dark.  
Moments before the basement door opened he heard footsteps coming down the stairs. He sat up, quickly to be greeted with Louis. He was damp and his eyes glowed with life.  
"Hey!" He whispered, light ever present in his eyes.  
"Louis? What are you doing?" He mumbled groggily, forgetting to be quiet. He got up quickly, coming to stand in front of him. He smelled of rain.  
"Coming to get you, love." He smiled up at him, shaking a pair of keys in the air.  
"You drove here? It's like eleven o'clock, who's car are you in?" He laughed.  
"A friend's, let's go, before the storm ends!"  
"O- okay.. Okay." Carter stuttered, smiling. Louis gripped his shirt and pulled him down, the darkness seeping into them as he kissed him. His mouth tasted of water, leaving him dazed, wondering if there was a time before things like this. And when they pulled apart, they left the house. They laughed as they ran through the rain and ducked into the car. Carter sat down and looked at the car, before watching Louis start the car.  
"Is your mom gonna be mad?" Louis asked, both of them smiling with excitement.  
"Uh, I don't know." He chuckled. Louis drove down the dark roads through the rain.  
"I've never seen you drive before." Louis beamed.  
"Now you have."  
Their hearts were free and light and they drove alone through the rain until Louis turned them into a driveway.  
They got through the rain onto a porch. Carter followed Louis inside, watching him be greeted by a group of his friends. Most he recognized.  
"What are you guys doing in here?" His friends laughed and they spoke, getting drinks and going to the back door. They started to walk outside  
and Louis stayed close to Carter.  
When they got outside, Louis led Carter to the railing of the porch. He pointed to the sky and they watched for a few moments before the sky lit up with white light. The clouds concealed vivid casts of lightning, distributing the light so that it the whole blanket of clouds lit up and the wet ground did too.  
"Whoa." Carter whispered, and Louis smiled to him. They watched in awe together and Louis leaned into him, pressing his face against his arm. Carter wanted to watch the sky, and yet he pause before looking to the boy against him. He found it hard to see anything other than him with the same importance. He kissed his forehead, tilting his head to the side and nuzzling his hair. Louis smiled, soaking in the attention.  
"Louis!" A boy called. They stood up from the rail and Louis faced his friend. Carter put his hands in his pockets, watching the sky and Louis at different intervals.  
"Hey, did you get the keys?"  
"Yeah, I put them on the counter next to the stove."  
"Cool, cool."  
"This is the guy I borrowed the car from." Louis spoke to him. He nodded to Louis, smiling. Louis smiled back, amused by his response. Always barely a response at all, familiar to him.   
"D'you want a drink?" The boy asked Louis.  
"No thanks."  
He looked almost confused for a split second before it was gone from his face, then spoke to Carter, "You sure must be special, he saw the storm for like five minutes and wouldn't quit asking to go get you."  
Louis rolled his eyes, "Whatever."  
They sat on a couch on the porch, all of his friends sitting and talking, music playing from in the house. Louis sighed and put his legs in Carter's lap, shuffling himself up under his arm.  
"You want them to know?" Carter murmured quietly.  
"I don't care what they know." Louis mumbled, "I just want to do what I want to." Carter liked that answer.  
They sat together, and Carter liked his warmth against his side.


	21. Chapter 21

Weeks passed that way, and they learned each other. Carter had never been happier, and he smiled a lot, always thinking of him. The days they were apart, Carter worried and waited. When Louis returned he evaded questioning and neither of them pushed it, the idea of enjoying each other's company was much more important to them than that of arguing over the problems Louis clearly hid.  
On one of their up days, which were numerous to say the least, Carter followed Louis through the school halls. The florescent light and brick walls were their own halls to them. Anything was really, theirs when they were together.  
It was lunch hour and no one was in the halls, other than teachers. They took advantage of the open halls. Louis walked backwards in front of Carter, bouncing happily. Carter hopped in front of him as they moved, trying to step on his feet. Louis hopped agilely and started to squeal as he tried to keep his balance. When he began to fall, Carter grabbed him around the waist, holding him up. He was ready to let him go, and Louis held on to him. It made Carter happy beyond reason, little things like that. Louis pecked cheekily at his jaw, before getting a real kiss. Carter paused, his cheeks probably blushing.  
"You're not afraid of anyone seeing? Here, I mean."  
Louis shrugged, walking beside him as they continued down the halls.  
"Not really, I mean, I know they aren't like my friends. Not so accepting." He chuckled, "But.. It just seems like a waste, I guess. Not to.. do what I want while I can. There's gonna be a time when I can't just reach out and touch you... I'm not gonna let some asshole stop me from doing it while I can. Not worth it." He shrugged. Carter thought every time he spoke, it made sense. He smiled, hold his hand. He frowned, thinking.  
"There's gonna be a time when we aren't.. together? You think?" He mumbled. Louis' face did fall, looking at him.  
"I don't know. Not if I can help it... But life is messy." He murmured. Carter thought about that. Not being next to Louis. He paused and leaned down to kiss him. It felt different in the open halls of his high school.  
As they walked to the other side of the school a few people passed, seeing them touching and gave them a few side long glances, but it didn't matter to either of them.  
Louis finally got to the music room, pulling them inside and closing the door. The piano was in the middle of the room, choir stands and a few instrument cases in against the wall.  
"Play for me." Carter asked, pressing down on a key. Louis smiled and rolled his eyes, circling the black instrument and pulling up the bench.  
"I didn't bring you here just to stare at it." Carter smiled and pulled a chair up beside him. Louis' hands lay against the keys beautifully and he started, eyes glued to his fingers. It surprised Carter to see. Strange the way his hands moved so easily, as if they knew what to do on their own. He was more surprised when he heard the song.  
"No way." He breathed, smiling. Louis smiled, his fingers drawing out the song by Oasis, Don't Look Back In Anger. It was a whole different kind of nice on the piano. Carter's fingers played mindlessly with the hem of Louis' shirt as he played for him. His mouth open just slightly, he watched his finger's every minuscule move, captured. He looked up at Louis and watched so closely, every detail of his face. His eyes so calm and focused. He could tell this was an easy song for him by the way he smiled every once in a while, his brow relaxed. The bones in his hands moved in time with the music, dancing under his skin.  
The song almost over, Louis tilted his face to Carter ever so slightly, eyes still on the keys. Both of them watched his hands and mumbled the last line under their breaths together.  
"At least not today." They hummed, the last note resonating and Louis' mouth curved in a feather light grin, looking at him as his fingers fell off slowly.  
"Thought you might want to hear it like that."  
"Perfect." Carter mumbled, looking at him with proud love. The piano bench squeaked as Louis leaned into him, putting his hand in his hair and kissing him softly. Carter pulled him closer until Louis broke away, sitting across his lap happily and returning to the kiss.  
"You're so beautiful- it was, beautiful." Carter mumbled into his mouth. Louis didn't respond, just basking in the praise and biting his lip softly. His hands roamed around his shoulders and chest.  
When the bell rang they pulled themselves apart and returned to class with light feet.

-

Carter lay in his bedroom, not sleeping. It wasn't late and he wasn't tired. Louis had missed school that day and Carter was worried about him. He didn't normally miss school, not much any more at least. It seemed he had begun to feel better with him. Now that they were closer, Louis didn't smoke as much, and didn't drink as much either. When he did he was happy to do it with Carter. Things were better for Louis like this, it was true. Before, Louis wasn't able to be true to himself around Carter, unable to be honest about the way he felt. It only made him feel worse, driving him to other people and worse things. Now that they were together, Carter was able to help him. He didn't force Louis to tell him anything, his first priority just to be there when he needed him.  
It was dark outside that night, when Louis tapped on the window. Carter opened it to him, knowing who it was before he got there. Louis leaned sheepishly against the frame.  
"Hey." He whispered, poorly lit in the darkness. Carter pulled him inside, closing the window behind him.  
"What are you doing here?" He whispered, rubbing his arms. "It's getting too cold out there for this, you need to wear more."  
"I just... Needed to see you." He stood uncomfortably, avoiding eye contact. The air around him felt wrong.  
"You weren't in school today.. I was worried."  
"Yeah, I know." Louis swallowed, opening his mouth to say more and then seeming to decide against it. "I know."  
"Are you okay.." He knew he wasn't okay, could feel it in the room. Louis shrugged, crossing his arms. He heard a sniffle in the dark and Louis wiped his cheek quickly. Carter sighed, pulling him to his chest and holding him closely. In his arms he felt Louis breath shakily and sniffle, crying.  
Carter pulled them into bed, making him lay down and pulling the blankets up so they were covered. Like a defense mechanism, to shield them from the faceless enemy. Louis lay close to him and his crying died down eventually; Carter's hand holding his and his thumb rubbing soothingly. He wanted to ask what it was. What was hurting him. Why wouldn't he tell him anything. But now wasn't the time to put any more pressure on him, and he didn't feel like it anyways. Louis sighed heavily and lay his head on his chest, his arm over his stomach and their legs pooled together. They were warm as Carter rubbed his hand over his arm slowly and steadily, petting in unending strokes. He kissed his hair as Louis' breathing became steady and his hand gripped his shirt.  
"I'm always right here." Carter whispered. Louis shifted and pressed himself close, his whole body pressed into him, cuddling closely.  
"I know." Louis whispered back, "I don't... Thanks. Helps more than you know." He didn't seem like he knew how to word the sentence, but he understood. They lay like that for a long time, breathing together and giving shelter to him.  
"Carter?" Louis mumbled.  
"Yeah?"  
"Do you believe in, like, fate? Like everything is pre ordained?"  
Carter thought about that. Did he believe that things were meant to happen? Frequently his mind tugged to no, of course not. Logically that didn't make sense. As far as nature went, science didn't cater to fate, it did what it was to do. The only way to know the future would be to know the placement of every atom in the universe, and what it would do. But even then, humans were made of atoms and they made choices that changed as easily as the weather. So perhaps no, there was no fate that the course of history yielded to. But his heart told him that there was no way he wouldn't have found Louis. Some way or another.  
"I don't know... for sure." He answered, instead.  
"Like... if I hadn't been in that store in eighth grade, would we have met each other."  
"I don't know... if things are destined like that. But I don't think we wouldn't have met. Some way or another, you'd have found me." Carter mumbled, "What do you think."  
"I don't know either.. I guess I believe in fate but.. I don't know. It's a disappointing thing.."  
"Why?"  
"It's just... I don't know how to explain it. It takes away the value of the things that happen. Like, if bad things happen in order for you to get to your destiny it's like.. I don't know. You'd have gotten there one way or another so going through all the pain is all for nothing. Like it didn't have to happen that way, and it was all for nothing. I mean.. I hope I'd have met you no matter what, but still."  
Silence for a while, before he spoke again quietly.  
"I can't deal with the fact that bad things happen for no reason. That you just go through pain and that's the end of it. It's not like in stories where you have some heroic self sacrifice or whatever, it's pointless. Bad things happen and they could be prevented and they _aren't_ and it just stays that way." His voice was riddle with pain, though he was calm and tired now.  
"That's not how it is, Louis." Carter whispered, "Bad things have substance too. I think.. Just like the good things, they matter, so do the bad. Even if nothing comes out of it; sometimes nothing good comes out of good things, but they still matter."  
They didn't speak any more and, after a few minutes, Carter leaned up on his arm and shuffled Louis onto his back on the bed. He leaned down and kissed his forehead. He moved to his mouth and kissed him softly, conveying all the comfort he could into him. He shuffled Louis onto his side and lay down behind him, wrapping his arms around him tightly and pulling them together.  
"I love you, Lou." He whispered, feeling Louis shifted comfortably, both of them nestled in the bed.  
"I love you too, Rose." He mumbled, making Carter smile and kiss his shoulder.  
"S'a good nick name." He whispered, closing his eyes. Louis held his hand.  
"Good."  
He fell asleep with his arms around him.


	22. Chapter 22

He leaned against the railing on the porch, at one of Louis' friend's house again. When he exhaled his breath became a whirling white cloud, his skin cool. It was late December, Christmas would be arriving soon. Louis leaned into his chest, sighing against him. They were alone on the porch, the cold night air refreshing and brisk. Carter slid his arms loosely around his waist, peppering light kisses in his hair.  
"Am I still spending Christmas at your house?" Louis mumbled, hands toying with his coat.  
"If you want to, I want you to."  
"Yeah, I'll be there." Louis smiled.  
Carter ran his cold hands up into Louis' coat, knowing what he was doing. He kissed and nipped at his neck and ignored the purrs of happy noises from Louis, momentarily distracted. As he went on he squeezed at his skin in different places until Louis became tense. He found a place near his ribs that made Louis stop and be still, and he squeezed again. A little yelp of pain from Louis and he pushed away, pulling his shirt down. He looked at the ground as Carter stared at him. He hadn't touched rough at all, not enough to hurt. He was sore. Louis swallowed and uncomfortably stepped away.  
"That's why you don't want to take your clothes off, huh." Carter murmured, his stare hard and unforgiving. Louis grit his teeth, crossing his arms.  
"Jesus, Carter, just leave it alone." His brow pulled together in discomfort, shifting backwards again.  
"I'm not the one being unreasonable, Louis. This is ridiculous." Louis turned away from him, going towards the door. "Don't. Either stay here and argue with me or I'm going home."  
"You _want_ to argue?" Louis' eyes were cold and conflicted as he turned around.  
"It's better than this. Than you lying. Leaving me in the dark like always." Louis looked away for a few moments, tense.   
He looked at the floor, muttering. "Whatever."  
Carter stood from the railing and walked down the steps, towards the road.  
Louis didn't stop him.

-

Christmas day came not long after and there was snow on the ground. They had made up, neither relenting but putting it aside once again, somberly returning to normal.  
It was Christmas though, and Lauren shook them both awake. They grumbled and relented, having fallen asleep on the couch together in the basement. They untangled themselves as Lauren cooed happily about Christmas and presents.  
She went back upstairs and they sat for a moment on the couch, the winter sun shining on them through the window as it rose with them. Louis sat next to him and smiled to him softly, leaning against his arm.  
"Good morning." He whispered. Carter looked over his face, bathed in sunlight and bright blue eyes blazing like fire and flowers at the same time.  
"Merry Christmas, love." He mumbled, leaning into him and kissing his lips softly, there eye lids fluttering shut. When he pulled back Louis chased him an inch.  
When they went upstairs, clothed in soft pajamas and still bedraggled the room was dressed with a tree and a few bright little presents.  
They opened them together and Carter and Louis both excited each other over presents, knowing that whatever one got the other would be using probably just as much. Lauren had gotten Louis sheet music, and Louis had accepted it looking like he might cry for a moment. Carter watched him the whole time, unable to look away. Something usual. Lauren got music from both of them, a compilation of things they both knew she liked.   
It wasn't until all of them were gone that Louis and Carter retreated to his room, sitting on the bed together with two boxes, wrapped horribly. They laughed at each other, teasing the wrapping.  
"Do mine first." Louis chirped. So Carter did, unwrapping the bright paper and opening a small box. Inside was a white CD, he picked it up first. In Louis' familiar handwriting read, 'What I Feel'. And at the bottom side of the CD was his name above a little inscription, 'Forever, I love you.'  
He looked up at Louis, sitting in all of his beauty across from him. His small fingers played with the un-opened present in his lap. He looked at him apprehensively, unsure of it's reception.  
"I made it myself." He murmured, "My friend helped me. It's just, a bunch of songs, for- you, basically."  
Carter smiled and leaned forward, wrapping his arms around his shoulders and holding tightly.  
"I love it." He mumbled, pressing his face into his neck. He thought about the fear in his heart for whatever was happening to the person he had come to love most in the world, and squeezed tighter. When he let go he put his CD on the desk next to his bed, unable not to smile a little bit at it.  
"My turn." Louis smiled, widely. Clearly pleased. He pulled away at the paper, commenting cheekily about how it was wrapped the best out of the two.  
He watched. Carter didn't feel worry in his chest or excitement, like most people. He only felt what he always did. Still, captured as he watched Louis. He picked apart everything, his mind absorbed in the little movements Louis made, the way the light shine through the window to wash him in soft magnificence.  
Louis' smile fell as he pulled out a stack of pictures tied up in a little string. He opened the string and slowly looked at pictures of Italy, shots of so many little places, all the way across the ocean. On the back of each one was the location, written in Carter's handwriting. Each of them was as detailed as it could get, some of them were addresses down to the number, some of them said things like, 'the beach three miles east of Adelaide's house' then the address of her house. Some were tiny cafes, some where streets, some where gardens. Each of them was strangely beautiful. They spanned from the Adriatic Sea, up to Milan, down to Naples. And in a few they stretched into Switzerland and France. In two of them his father smiled and waved through the paper. Louis stared speechlessly, carding through them slowly. When he got to the very last one at the bottom of the stack it was a picture of A beach and an endless stretch of water. On the back it said 'Golfe de Gascogne, France' and right below it, caught Louis' eye. It was the only picture with an inscription other than an address on it. 'Je t'aimrai jusqu'a la fin des temps.'  
"It's the Bay of Biscay.." Carter murmured, "If you stand on the beach and look out, you see the Atlantic Ocean. I thought it was important 'cause.. just, you know. It's a straight shot across the water back to you."  
"How..." Louis' voice whispered, breaking into shaky resonance.  
"Well... I asked my dad if we could do something that summer, and he was more than happy to. I just said I wanted to take pictures of some cool places, see the country a little. We didn't go that far, but it was fun. I took pictures of anywhere I thought.. we could see one day. Together. I always see places while I'm out there, and I wish so bad you could see them, and I know I forget them later. So I decided this summer I'd make sure I got all of them, and we could go see them someday."  
Louis picked up the last one, the one with the writing on it.  
"What-.." He broke off for a moment, seeming unable to form sentences. "What does that mean?" He asked, his voice full of feelings and so innocent that Carter almost told him. He smiled.  
"You know how I am." He whispered. "If you wanna know, you have to decode it." He smiled sheepishly. Carter wrote a lot of things for Louis in Italian, and broken French, never telling him out right what they meant and always making him decode it. Sometimes it was as easy as getting a dictionary, sometimes he went to the language teachers at the high school. It was something they both enjoyed, though Louis pretended it annoyed him.  
Louis touched the pictures like they were made of glass, the most important things he had held in his life, shuffling them carefully back into a neat stack and setting them gingerly back in their box. He held the box close to himself, crawling into his lap and burying his face in his neck, wrapping his other arm around his shoulders. Carter frowned, feeling the silence and the emotion in his hold, only ever wanting him to smile.  
"Are you okay?" He mumbled, quietly and concerned. Louis huffed and nodded, sniffling.  
"I'm fine." His voice sounded like he was holding back tears, and he felt confused as he held him close to his chest. He didn't understand what the gift meant to Louis. Didn't know why it made him feel so much. But he kissed his temple and rubbed him all the same.  
When they left his room, Louis stayed close to his side, still seeming to be recovering and shaken. Lauren invited family over and he watched Louis closely all day, in love with the warmth in his eyes. They snuck away later on in the day when people were leaving, walking in the back field and they sat in the snow. Holding cold hands and exchanging kisses.

-

When New Years Eve came, Louis and Carter held hands in the open field where Bonn fires were held. Friends and a few strangers surrounding them. The moon hung bright in the sky, mixing cool light with hot as both colors played across Louis' face and in his eyes. He was beautiful. Carter watched Louis, and Louis watched the fire and the explosions in the sky. Fireworks ripped themselves apart in colorful ends above them and Louis smiled up at them, eyes full of wonder. He felt like he could watch this boy for the rest of his life. They way he lost himself in every thing. He was unexplainable. He seemed small and yet infinite. He was completely oblivious to his magnificence.  
When the people began to howl to the sky the countdown into the new year, Louis held his hand.  
"Kiss me into the next year." He murmured, reaching up to speak close to his ear. Carter watched him, dumbstruck in his beauty. He nodded, as the people crowed to the fireworks, circled around the brilliant fire.  
"10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! "  
Carter took his face in his hands and pulled his body closer, connecting their mouths. Kissing him, lost in his kiss. The whole universe moved in slow motion to him, nothing but Louis existent.  
"4! 3! 2! 1! Happy New Year!"  
Carter stayed for a few more seconds, before they separated. Louis' hand held on a little tighter.  
"Happy 1999." Louis spoke, the fire giving him the warmth to burn him apart.  
He still remembers thinking that night about angels. How some people say if you saw an Angel you'd be burned alive, or was it God. He felt like that sometimes, that if he just stared for too long, that someday his soul would sear away in blinding white fire. It was how he would want to die. To look at Louis until his soul burned apart into the universe, dissipating until he was nothing.  
Until he felt nothing but love.


	23. Chapter 23

The winter moved passed them and Carter looking back can remember moments that confused him. Little things. Flashes and pictures, shots of snow falling in graceful touches on their shoulders as they lived through the cold of junior year. Carter was observational but that didn't mean he understood what he saw. How could he have, it was all well hidden.  
He saw though, in Louis' eyes, the distance. Separation from his surroundings, he would forget what was being spoken about or what was planned for the day. It was gradual but Carter could feel it, the way he stopped listening when he was spoken to. It wasn't normal for him. Louis was reactive to his surroundings by nature, engaged, influenced and influencing upon his world. Slowly though, he began to recede and become distracted. It was different than before, it felt. Before Carter felt that there was something that was hurting him, but that he was carrying it. Bearing the weight. Now it seemed that he wasn't holding anything up. It showed in the way he ran away from his problems, before he had abused substances in order to ignore it. Now when he drank, which he mainly did because it was something Carter tolerated, he frequently seemed to be even more sad, not ignoring it at all.  
Some times he cried and Carter had to hold him and feel the pain in his chest as well, countered only with confusion. The confusion was something he had become accustom to now, no longer begging to be solved. Once Louis brought a whole bottle of something he didn't even recognize, but he followed him anyways. They sat in his back yard and he watched as he drank and drank and the liquid went and went and disappeared. He tried to reason and bring him inside; it was cold. Louis refused and eventually he lay down in the snow and stared up at the sky with empty eyes, numb and deflated. Later on Carter carried him into the house and in the morning, when he threw up, they told Lauren he'd caught a virus.  
Another time Louis asked him to kiss him for a long time and he did.  
It was a Friday night and Lauren was at work, they sat in the basement with a bottle of Bacardi. It looked like water and bit like a snake. The snow fell and fell outside, sticking to the window and creating a layer of soft white snow on the sill. Louis sat in his lap, properly wasted and kissed him with an intensity that almost made him forget that there was a reason they were here. He tasted like the drink and stayed as close as he could. Louis would breath into his mouth and taste his tongue and when he could see his face he saw pain. Carter could see him when he would draw back to kiss his neck, could see miles and miles into his eyes. Like he could see forever, he could see to the bottom of his feet, he could see a kind of exhausted anguish. There was a deep wrongness in him and it was the hardest thing to watch, unable to change anything at all. But he did, and he felt the way Louis' hands held onto him and didn't let go. He kissed as deeply as he could and pressed his whole body to him and held with all his strength. When he whispered breathless words of love into him Carter told him he loved him too. He thought briefly if he would try to have sex with him, and that he would make sure not to let him do something like that while he was drunk. He would hold him and take care of him, keep him as safe as he could while he could. There were a million things he couldn't do to help him, but when Louis was with him he did the few things he could do. Whatever was in his reach, his control.  
The winter was in it's last few weeks and a semester exam was coming shortly. Carter asked him about it and he told him that he knew he would fail it. It was a big test, one that mattered to their grades. They would be in testing rooms together. When it came around Carter switched their dictionaries before it started and Louis gave him a confused look. About a quarter of the way through it Louis opened the dictionary and saw that in between the pages were note cards with all the answers on them. He watched as he stared at the book for a minute, mouth open slightly. When they got out of the class, Louis stood next to his locker and gave him a hard stare.  
"Why did you do that?" He muttered under his breath, voice taut.  
"Because.." He frowned, "I know you could learn it if you wanted to... It's not fair for them to test you on all of that now... It's gonna follow you around forever, it's not fair."  
Louis grit his teeth.  
"It doesn't matter if it's fair, Carter. The school doesn't care weather we think it's fair or not. You could have gotten in trouble. That test is worth more than half your grade, you could have gotten a zero."  
The halls began to empty, but they stood regardless.  
"You could have too."  
"I was going to fail it anyways!" He looked around and lowered his voice, "You can't do that on major tests like that. And I know you didn't make those cards for yourself first, you don't need to cheat." It was amazing how some one Carter had to look down at could demand so much respect.  
"I was trying to help." Carter mumbled, trying to convey his innocence in his gaze. Louis huffed in frustration and looked away. He crossed his arms and looked at the floor, swallowing. The tight anger in his face gradually melted and when he spoke again his voice was softer.  
"Don't. I love you and I get the point, but please just don't. Not if it's going to hurt your grade, that was not okay."  
Carter felt a limp kind of frustration in his stomach, no desire to argue, and now confused once again.  
"Fine." He mumbled, looking at the ground. The halls were now empty.  
"I'm sorry." Louis muttered, his hands gripping his arms tightly. "I understand what you were doing, you just can't. Don't risk your grades over something like that." He looked up at him with caring, concerned blue fire in his eyes.  
"Over you?" His tone hard with conviction. Louis matched it quickly.  
"Especially over me."  
Louis got a ninety-five on the test. He would have gotten the same grade as Carter, but he marked a few answers wrong to make sure their tests were different. He still got asked if he cheated, but wasn't interrogated after a quick talking to.


	24. Chapter 24

The temperature was beginning to rise up, slowly, week by week.  
During spring break, they went to the picture show, at midnight. Just the two of them, they took Lauren's car. He loved riding in the car when it was only them. Normally Carter look out the window when he was in the car, watched the world run by. But with him, he was in the car. Carter had gotten his license, it cost money and his father had payed for all of it. He liked watching Louis drive, though. Liked paying attention to him, and not the road. Liked seeing street lights moving in slides of dirty pale color across his skin.  
They sat in the back row, laying their heads against each other, shrouded in the darkness. In the beginning when the actors danced, they spotted the two of them in the back row and made a deal of coming to them. Every one laughed when Louis slid into his lap, making sure no one could dance on him.  
It was in moments like that, Louis laughed with only half his heart. It was visible. He laughed and it fell flat, nothing like the light he had put behind it for so long. His smile just didn't reach his eyes and Carter spent more time looking at him than he did watching the movie. Louis leaned against him in the dark theatre as the show played. This time they didn't hum along to the songs, so Carter held his hand and rubbed with his thumb. It wasn't until the end of the show, when Frank lay in the pool singing with his head laying back in the water, that Louis started to breath shakily. He searched the screen like he was looking for something and his eyes started watering.  
He got up and started to walk out. Carter followed behind him as the movie played them out, 'Don't dream it be it.' It must have repeated fifty times, gradually layering in with the voices of the lingerie clad characters.  
They left into the cold air, their breaths turned to clouds around them, and he followed him quietly with his hands in his pockets.  
They got into the car and Louis started it wordlessly, driving out of the parking lot. He held the wheel tightly and his teeth grit the whole way.  
"What's wrong." Carter murmured. Louis shook his head.  
"Nothing." The midnight streets ran past them faster and his voice broke.  
"Don't drive like this, just pull over."  
Louis cursed under his breath and his whole body gripped with tight angry muscles. If a human being could be a thunder storm and a forest fire at the same time, it would be him as he stared at the streets. Carter gripped the seat as the car jerked to the side of the road.  
"I'm _fucking fine_." He bit out the words as he pulled the car onto a side road and cut it off. To pull over was an admittance that he wasn't fine, so he denied it with enough venom to contradict.  
He reached down under the seat and unlocked it so he could push away from the steering wheel a few inches. He squeezed his eyes shut and sat there for a minute, his whole body tense and a few tears seemed to get passed his resolve. They rolled down his face, completely ignored. It wasn't until a few of them had come that his brow faltered and he put his face in his hands. He shook as he swallowed, his cheeks wet with tears.  
"I'm sorry." Louis sobbed through his hands and shook his head slowly, he rubbed his eyes and looked down at his lap. His eye lashes clumped together and, even in the dim light, the blueness of his wet eyes could be seen.  
"Lou." He whispered, unable to say anything. Louis closed his eyes again and cried silently, shoulders shaking with every struggled gasp. He cried for a minute until he spoke, his voice wet and soaked with every kind of bad feeling.  
"It's so fucking hard." His lay his head in his hands and stared at his lap, eyes surely blind with tears.  
In Carter's mind he was deaf, unable to say anything, nothing that mattered at all. He was helpless. _What is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is. Why, why, why why, why. What's wrong._ He thought endlessly, but when he opened his mouth he just stared wordlessly.  
"I'm sorry." He finally whispered back, completely helpless. Nothing he could say held any weight, but he told him he was sorry anyways.  
Louis breathed deeply and looked up, never meeting his eyes. The windows were fogged, and outside the air was cold as it touched the warm windows, making moisture. The fog distributed light so that the windows were pale and blurry, but Louis looked at them anyways.  
"Can you imagine what it would be like to run away?" He asked, staring blindly out the window. Carter stayed silent for a moment before he answered.  
"Yes." If he was with Louis, he could imagine it. Louis' chest moved slowly with his breaths, the silence between them dragging.  
"I think about it every day." He mumbled, and he closed his eyes, the pain written all over his face some how mixing with longing so deep it could be felt through the air between them before he spoke again.  
"I'd just take you, and a car. We'd work for food along the way. We could run away forever." He opened his eyes again and looked at the steering wheel.  
After a few silent moments Carter spoke, his voice quiet.  
"Promise me you'd tell me if you were going to do something drastic." Louis didn't react.  
"Kill myself?" He whispered. Carter stayed quiet for a few moments, feeling like he was in dangerous territory. He was worried that Louis would commit suicide, and talking about it now made it real.  
"Yes." He spoke quietly, but clearly.  
Louis puffed a bitter breath of air, mouth quirking with some kind of bitter irony, like he thought there was something funny about what he said.  
"I can't leave you. Never could." He whispered.  
"You promise?" The irony in Louis' stare fell and he nodded, looking over in his general direction.  
"I promise." Carter took his hand and he held back, silent for a few moments.  
"Why don't you let me drive." He murmured. Louis nodded and when Carter got out he crawled into his seat. He sat heavily, like he was tired, limp. Carter held his hand as he drove them home.  
When they got home, Lauren was asleep. They lay in bed and Louis let himself be held close.  
He held on with the ever present feeling of uncertainty. It was bitter sweet. Carter felt relief when he was with him, temporary release from worrying about his well being. And yet he knew that it could change within a day. Louis was an uncertainty. Carter was a tree and Louis was a bird. What could a tree  
do to stop a bird from flying away, other than to wait every day for him to come back down.  
He learned to hold onto him while he could.


	25. Chapter 25

The last few weeks of school had come upon them fast, and Carter didn't notice it at all. He was distracted constantly by Louis.  
He knew he wasn't alright before, but now it was as if he was in trouble. It seemed during the last week Louis was so far unsettled he didn't even abuse substances the way he used to. The time they spent together was filled with distracted silences. It seemed to him that Louis was constantly in a state of anxiety, now bordering on paranoid.   
He knew there was something wrong, and he couldn't confront him. He stayed with him as much as he could, on edge. The day Louis told him he couldn't walk home with him from school, it was like stepping into a puddle during January.  
He walked behind Louis as they exited the school, Carter kept his hands in his pockets. Louis turned to the parking lot, and they both paused. It was a direction they didn't ever go in after school, they always walked home. Today, Louis avoided his eyes as he spoke.  
"I'm riding home with a friend today." Louis spoke stiffly, his eyes held the constant shadow as he looked around and his hands worried at his clothing. Carter wasn't at all surprised, but he felt his chest turn upside down anyways.  
"Why?" He muttered, his hands in his pockets as they stood in the now almost empty courtyard of their high school.  
"Because, I just, am going with a friend today. I do that sometimes, that's not new." Louis spoke stiffly and bit out quick phrases, shifting from foot to foot.  
"You used to, yeah. But not since, almost last year... You always go home with me, for a little while at least." He felt uncomfortable speaking so forcefully, but he felt like he was underwater. He was so passive that Louis moved past him and he had a hard time breaking the surface to get to him. Now it seemed urgent that he did.  
Louis breathed with an irritated pace, starting to walk to the parking lot.  
"I'm just going to his house, I'm fine." Louis faced the ground and walked without any tolerance for his follower.  
"This is obviously not- just, I mean you've been going home with me for a long time now, you must have a reason. You didn't tell me you were gonna go somewhere else today." Carter spoke with an uncomfortable passage, like he was having to focus in order to speak out so defiantly.  
" _What?_ Do you think I'm gonna go do drugs again? Is that why you're being like this? I'm gonna go fuck around with acid or something?" His voice was hard and sharp, softened only by the fact that Carter knew he was holding back, being gentle. He was being defensive, and Carter knew he was going to lose the gentleness in his tone quickly if he kept pressuring. He walked behind him to the parking lot, regretfully pushing his limits.  
"I'm not being like anything. I trust you, I know you won't do any of that. I know, I trust you. I just know, _you_ know you're acting strange. You never do this, you never go off on your own. It's just strange an-"  
He was cut off. Louis stopped in his tracks, turning around. His soft, anxious blue eyes had turned to stone when he faced Carter, effectively cutting off his rambling sentences.  
"I'm not acting strange, I'm not doing anything out of the ordinary. So what I'm going home with someone else, I'm not always going to go home with you. Just because I have been, doesn't mean I have to. Where I go is _none of your business at all_. I can go where I want without this." He spat the words angry, trapped. Carter struggled to stay in his place as he grit his teeth against Louis' word, his brow creased. It was probably the worst he'd ever spoken to him, and even with the inches of height he had over Louis it was still hard not to step back from him. Louis turned away from him and kept walking, quickly with his muscles stiff. Carter followed him after one moment's pause. It hurt him to be spoken to like that, but only in the back of his head. Mostly it just drove his anxiety further. To anyone else, he should have been too hurt or too angry to keep following, he should have turned around and left without a word. None of his business? It had been long since either of them could separate the difference between businesses. Just that alone was an insult enough. And yet all of this just scared Carter more, and the worry in his stomach welled up into his head with a rolling current. He followed behind him.  
"I know, that. I promise, I'm just worried. You're- you're worrying me." Carter spoke to his back as Louis reached a small car. A boy stood outside it, and upon seeing Louis he got in.  
Louis pulled on the handle and found it locked.  
"You have no reason to be worried." He muttered, refusing to look at Carter as he pulled the handle repeatedly until his friend unlocked it. He hurriedly opened the door and got in the car. They were lucky the temperature had risen in their state. It was still cool by anyone else's standards, but to the people who lived here it was warm enough to keep their car door windows rolled down. Which left Louis exposed.  
Carter gripped the frame of the window, leaning down quickly, forcing himself to be heard.  
"Wait." He snapped to the driver. It was one of Louis' friends that was old enough to be familiar, and he had certainly never seen Carter behave like this. Never seen him lift a finger enough to tell someone what to do. He stared at them both, eyes concerned and surprised. He'd probably never seen them fight either. Louis grit his teeth and closed his eyes, his body tense. Carter took his chance to speak, eyes only on him as he spoke with all the concern and love he could bring forth.  
"Louis, please. Just listen to me, please, I know I'm acting strange but you are too."  
Louis opened his eyes and stared ahead.  
"Go home." Instead of anger, he looked ahead with conflict and regret.  
"I can't. Something is _wrong with you!_ I don't know why you _refuse_ to face it, but something is wrong with you!" Louis shook his head at his words and his jaw flexed, silent.  
"And I'm worried, it worries me. This is scaring me, Louis. You are not okay, and I'm not saying that means you can't go with your friends, I just- am- saying that you're acting strange and- and, there's something wrong and you will _ignore_ it no matter what. Ignore me no matter what I say, ignore yourself. And I'm worried about you." The words ran out of his mouth with less resistance as he pushed passed the inability to speak out. The welling feeling in his chest pushed and pulled like waves until he was to afraid to stay silent. Louis looked at his lap and his eyes now mixed with equal parts pain and conflict, Carter could tell it was hard for him to be so resistant as he listen to him. He knew Louis didn't want to listen to another second of what he was doing to him.  
"Please, just _go home._ " He murmured helplessly, staring at his lap with his brow in a set line of distress.  
"This is wrong, just... Think this through, this _feels_ wrong. I know I'm probably over reacting, I just. I can't- let you go like this, it doesn't feel right. Something feels bad about this..." He drifted off as he pleaded. He had worked himself up until his heart was beating hard, all of his worry about him tumbling down.  
Louis blinked and somewhere in his unmoving wall of stubbornness, his resolve seemed to weaken. He looked out the window for a moment of silence and then up at him. He met his eyes with love and unrest and somewhere hidden under it a glaze of fear. There was a reason that this felt so wrong to Carter, and he wasn't the only one who felt it.  
Louis put his hand on Carter's gripping the frame. Under his touch, his own hand softened from his stressed grip and responded to it.  
"Everything's going to be fine, I promise. I'm going to see you tomorrow, okay. I know I've been bad, lately... I'm sorry, for saying that was none of you're business." He paused for a moment. "I'm sorry for putting you through all this, I swear." He whispered. Carter's stomach felt frozen and he shook his head at Louis, before he continued.  
"It's okay, just go." He whispered. Carter stared at him helplessly, unable to think of anything to change his mind, and still unable to accept what he wanted from him. To ignore the pulling in his gut saying something wasn't right. Louis leaned up in his seat, and moved his hand from his up to press against Carter's neck with his thumb on his jaw. He felt Louis kiss him softly, mouth molding lovingly to his, and he leaned into him for one unbroken moment before Louis pulled back and pulled his hand away. With a stiff word of assent to him, driver uncertainly started the car and Louis looked at his lap. The car left him standing there in the parking lot.


	26. Chapter 26

Maybe it was dramatic irony that it rained that night, but it did.  
Carter lay in his basement awake. He normally slept here when he was too restless to sleep in his bed. He had calmed down through the day, reassuring himself that he was making it up. He had felt all of those things when he watched Louis, watched his nervousness and his deep unrest. He was worried, that's all. He loved him and he worried about it. Who wouldn't worry about a boy like that, if they loved him the way that he did. Carter was almost asleep, drifting finally, lulled by the rain against the house. There was no thunder, just consistent rain falling lazily.  
It wasn't outrageously late at night, but too late at night for a car to be driving into the driveway. That's what woke him up, as a bright light burned through the basement window, casting a sharp beam of light through the air. Carter stared at it, frozen with surprise for a moment as he watched the headlight slide through the room. It stopped for a moment and stayed bright lit, until he came to his senses. If Carter was a different person he would have grabbed the baseball bat they kept in their basement, as he got off the couch and got to the stairs. It would have been the right thing to do, this late at night with a single mother and only one old pistol that Carter didn't know how to use, which was kept in Lauren's drawer anyways. But it didn't cross his mind as he jogged up the stairs in sweats and a shirt.  
He got up into the kitchen and stared at the door, expecting someone to enter through it. The headlights shined through the kitchen windows and lessened the darkness a little bit. The sound of unstable footsteps sound on the porch and he stood still in the kitchen as he heard the sounds of someone who clearly couldn't walk straight. The sound of heavy hand fell on the screen door and a moment later it opened and the sounds paused before the front door knob wiggled, opening after a moment. The door swung open and Carter's heart jumped into his throat. Louis held onto the door frame with one hand and with the other he clutched his stomach.  
"Louis!" Carter rushed forward and stopped, looking at him. He was soaking wet and quivering. His face pale as snow as he panted.  
"Louis..." The air became too thick to breath and he stood frozen, realization dawning upon him as the room seemed to fill with the feeling of standing on thin ice.  
"I need you to take me to the hospital." Louis wavered and Carter reached forward to hold him stable, shock seeping into his muscles. Louis sucked in a breath and shook as he stared at the floor, his arm rigid against his stomach.  
"Carter?" Lauren's voice sounded in the hallway and suddenly the room was drenched in pale yellow light. Louis was illuminated and Carter truly was in shock. His arm was red with blood and as he leaned against Carter's supporting arm, his face pale and his eyes wide and numb.  
"I need to go to the hospital." He choked out to Lauren. Lauren nodded and, still in her sweat pants, grabbed her keys off the counter with quick, sure steps. She was a nurse after all, and she acted like it.  
"Carter, get him to the car, lets go." Lauren spoke urgently and gripped Carter's arm, pulling him out of shock and into action. Carter got a better grip on him and helped him out of the house, Lauren behind them, not stopping to shut the door. The rain drops pattered against Louis' arm and little spots of water mixed with the blood, creating patterns of shaded red.  
Lauren led Carter to the back seat and Carter practically lifted him into it, both of them getting in as she shut the door behind them. In a second she was in the drivers seat with the ignition turned and her foot on the gas.  
Carter looked at him, his arm still around him. Louis had stopped panting and was breathing shakily as he clutched his stomach, his hands shaking. His head was moving slow as he stared at him, his grip tight. Louis swallowed and grit his teeth.  
"Can you tell me what hurt you?" Lauren spoke, with commanding knowledge. Louis squeezed his eyes shut.  
"I was shot." He muttered through his set jaw.  
"Do you know how many times?"  
"I think once."  
"You know where?" Lauren drove fast and the rain pelted against the car. Louis' arm shook as he pulled it away from his stomach a few inches, looking at it. His shirt was so thick with blood it was too hard to see where the bullet hit.  
"My stomach."  
"Hold pressure on it until we get there. Just as much as you can, okay?"  
"Okay." Louis' voice shook as he squeezed his arm against his stomach again. They drove for a minute in silence, stunned into it. Before Louis pushed out more words.  
"I'm sorry. I didn't think I could drive there." He spoke to Carter. His brain didn't have a response.  
"You okay, Cassie?" He swallowed, looking up at him. Carter shook his head, his brow creasing. Are you okay. Unbelievable.  
"I..." Carter couldn't speak. Louis' pale face sketched with worry.  
"S'gonna be fine. Just a little blood that's all." Louis mumbled to him, his wet, bleeding body pressed under his arm.  
"Please don't say that. Please don't say that. Don't say that. It's not. You're bleeding." Carter choked out, his brain stuttering as he processed.  
"Yeah..." Louis, realized what they were doing. Louis told Carter he was fine when he wasn't. Carter looked like he couldn't handle the lie anymore. "I know... I know."  
"You know?"  
"Yes, I know. I'm sorry." Sorry for so many times he had said he was okay. Unable to do it to him anymore. Carter took his hand into his and held on tight, Louis holding back. Carter held his body close to him and pressed his forehead to his hair.  
"You're going to be okay, though. You're with me, now, we'll take care of this. You'll be fine, now." Louis pressed his face to his chest.  
"I'm sorry I lied to you." He mumbled, his voice small.  
"It's okay. You'll be fine now. I'll be with you." He squeezed his eyes shut.  
"I'll be with you too." He whimpered, his stomach pulsing blood into their laps.  
The car pulled to a stop at the hospital and Carter held Louis' weak body up as they rushed into the front door. The receptionist didn't even ask questions before calling nurses in to swarm them. Louis was pulled out of his hands quickly and away from him. Lauren held his arm as he instinctively began to follow him. Louis kept his gaze until he was being rushed down the hall.  
"Sit down, honey." Lauren led him to sit down in the waiting room, the scent of the sterile building completely unnoticed by his numb senses. Lauren sat silently next to him, a quiet presence as he sat there. It was a long time, they sat there. And Lauren got him water eventually, having him drink it, patting her son's arm gently. They didn't speak, and Lauren shepherded her son onto a couch eventually.  
A couple of hours passed before a new face of black hair and brown serious eyes entered the room, finding Carter and pausing. He looked at Jason silently for a moment and Lauren realized they knew each other.  
"Hello." She murmured, Jason nodded to her, glancing back at Carter once before facing her.  
"Hi, I guess you're Carter's mother." She nodded and Carter watched him silently. He saw Louis' hair, his straight eye brows, his nose, all in Jason.   
"I'm Louis' brother..." He murmured.  
"Nice to meet you." She murmured quietly, "I wish it could have been under better circumstances..."  
Out of all of them in the room, the stranger and the two on the couch, it seemed it was Lauren that was keeping the air calm and controlled. She remained steady and level. Jason had been a calm, cool person the last time they had met. Yet now it seemed his assurance had broken. He looked at Carter.  
"Did he tell you what happened?"  
Carter looked away from him, feeling his shoulders weigh down suddenly with all of the instances that the thought had crossed his mind that Louis wasn't okay.  
"He never told me anything."  
And so Jason sat next them on the couch and they all waited in silence.  
Carter felt his heart quiver in his chest.  
 _He never told me anything._


	27. Chapter 27

It was a while of silence in the room. The three people in the world that cared about Louis the most had all ended up in one room with no desire to make conversation.  
Lauren read a book from her car for a while, Jason lay his head against his hand and closed his eyes for a while. Carter just sat with his arms crossed and waited.  
He looked up as a woman in a white coat came into their silent vigil, looking at a clipboard.  
"Jason Grey?" He lifted his head with a jolt and stood up hastily to greet her.  
"Hi, that's me." She spoke with him for a few minutes too quietly to be heard. She spoke at a normal tone when she was done.  
"He can see family now." Jason took one step before pausing and turning back to them.  
"We can go see him now." Carter gave a glance to the doctor and thought she probably guessed that they weren't in his family. Lauren patted his shoulder briskly, telling him to go. He stood and went to Jason's side. Carter glanced back at his mother and she waved him along, assuring him that she'd wait here for a few moments.  
The walk down the quiet halls was silent between them. When they got to the room he followed Jason in quietly. The room was dark, quiet and inhabited by one unmoving body laying in the bed. It was starkly empty other than the chairs and the window, shades drawn shut and no light coming from the dark night sky. Other than Louis there were only machines connected to him, humming and buzzing. Carter stopped along the wall, crossing his arms and leaning against it as Jason went to him. His heart squeezed in on itself at the sound of Louis' voice, quiet and scratchy. Jason leaned next to him and sighed, wrapping a soft hand around his arm. Louis blinked open his bleary, unfocused eyes and turned his head to his brother. Jason shook his head at him for a moment, resembling a mother who's child caused trouble and yet she was relieved he was safe.  
"You're just a magnet for trouble, aren't you." Jason muttered, patting his arm. Carter exhaled a shaky breath, his shoulders untensing a bit. His chest constricted a little seeing Louis like this, worse than last time. He was fragile and beautiful and soft, every movement muffled by medications and his weak body. Louis tried to shift and made a noise of pain, stilling himself.  
"That's what you get for not staying still, you need to sleep. I'm sure you can behave for a few hours." Jason muttered. Louis mumbled under his breath, then blinked, his brow twitching as he looked about with muddled alertness. He lifted his arm up, pulling a wire with it and tried to use his limp arm.  
"Of course not." Jason pulled his hand down to the bed. "What do want?" Louis blinked and squeaked a few scratchy words before speaking intelligibly.  
"Where's Carter?" He mumbled, his restless arm shifting helplessly at his side.  
"He's here." Jason murmured, standing and patting his arm once more before nodding to his empty seat. Carter stood from the wall and walked to his side, pressing his fingers against his hand to greet him.  
"Carter?" He mumbled, looking up at him with his liquid blue eyes, brow together.  
"Hey, baby." He whispered, pressing a hand against his cheek. Louis' hand twitched against his fingers and he took the hint, fitting his hand into snugly.  
"I can't stay awake." He mumbled, turning his head to into his hand as Carter sat down next to him.  
"It's okay, I'm not going anywhere." His hand squeezed softly.  
"I thought you'd be upset." He whispered, voice rough and tired as he blinked at him. Carter shook his head, thumb rubbing against his cheek bone as Louis closed his eyes at the touch.  
"You're crazy." Louis smiled, opening his eyes to him.  
"I wish I could stay up."  
"Don't, just go to sleep." Louis pulled his hand free of his and lifted it to grab his shirt with no strength at all, pulling towards himself. Carter let himself be pulled in, kissing him once gently. Louis kissed him and then let go, and even though his grip was feeble Carter didn't pull away until he was released. When he sat back, Louis mumbled something unintelligible and closed his eyes, already looking like he was asleep.  
Carter sat for a moment to make sure he was and then stood, glancing awkwardly to Jason. He had sat himself down on a chair against the wall and was now staring with an amused look at him.  
"Um..." He stumbled, looking away. He wasn't sure if he even knew that Louis liked boys, much less him. He wasn't going to refuse Louis, but he hopes still that he had decided to kiss him in front of Jason and not simply forgotten they weren't alone. Jason cracked a smile at him.  
"Don't worry, I knew. Even if I didn't, I don't care." He spoke quickly to relieve him of the awkward silence.  
"You knew?" He wondered if Louis told him about him.  
"Well, he didn't say about you. I know he's gay, but I didn't know about that. I mean I figured, it's quite obvious." He chuckled.  
"Oh.. Okay." Obvious? It certainly hadn't occurred to him that anyone but them really, knew about it.   
"If you want to you can stay the night here, you'll need to ask your mother." Carter nodded, mumbled assent before leaving. Lauren asked a few worried questions about him, before giving her permission.  
When Carter returned Louis was asleep and the monitor next to him displayed his heart thumping slowly and softly. Carter looked at it for a moment, the steady line that proved he was still alive when he could've been dead. It gave him chills against his skin as he looked at Louis' sleeping face. He could have died, or been paralyzed, or all sorts of things. Instead he was breathing softly in his bed, safe for now.


	28. Chapter 28

Carter woke to tapping on his arm. He had fallen asleep uncomfortably in a chair, perhaps one more comfortable if it were for sitting. He lifted his head, his stiff body resistant. Looking up he saw Jason waiting for him to stand up, and as he sat up and warmed his muscles he saw two police officers standing near Louis' bed patiently. He looked to Louis for grounding and understanding. Louis had been awake and now sat up, his shoulders draped in the hospital shirt and his lap covered in blankets. His eyes flickered once to Carter's direction, but didn't meet him before returning to his lap. He felt uneasy, looking at Jason in confusion.  
"Come on, he needs to talk to them. We'll come back." He assured quietly, nodding to the door. Carter followed behind him, feeling the quiet in the room too heavily. Before it was soft, and it cradle their fried minds. Now it felt like everyone knew something he didn't and he was alone in the silence. He saw Louis look up at his brother as he passed, and Jason nodded to him before Louis looked away again.  
The door shut behind him and he was back in a waiting room. Jason sat down with him, and they were in back in the silence that they commonly shared. He saw Jason watching him out of the corner of his vision, his brow pulled in just a bit. He looked at him, and saw his brow pull in a little more before he looked away, thinking.  
"What?" Carter asked, and normally he wouldn't have, but he knew Louis better than him.  
"Nothing." Jason mumbled, and they were quiet for a few moments as he stared at the pale walls in thought. "He just... cares about you, I guess. More than I thought."  
He couldn't think of a response to that. But, in the still room, he thought about that one sentence and nothing else.  
The police left eventually, nodding to Jason and they returned to the room. Carter felt worry about the police and his heart drove him, eager to see Louis.  
When he walked in Louis looked at Jason with eyes that seemed like they told everything, but in a language he didn't speak. Jason stood for a moment and Carter paused too.  
"You told the truth?"  
"All of it." Louis murmured, and exhaled a thick breath, his shoulders drooping.  
"Okay." And it was quiet for a moment. Near the window, Carter could now hear soft rain pattering against the hospital.  
"I'm gonna go work on getting that apartment then." Jason murmured, Louis flashed a look at him.  
"Thanks, Jason." He smiled in a tired way. Jason left then, and they were alone. Carter didn't know where they stood now, or anything really. He walked to his bedside and started to sit down before Louis grabbed his arm and pulled him towards the bed.  
"Sit up here." He asked. So he carefully sat down on the bed in front of Louis' crossed legs. Louis didn't avoid his eyes now, and even though he had slept hard on the medication, he seemed worn yet relaxed.  
"Are you okay?" Carter whispered. Louis smiled softly and nodded.  
"I'm okay." And they sat quietly for a moment as Louis held his hand, comforting himself it seemed after whatever he had just been through in the last forty eight hours. He took a deep breath, looking at Carter's hand before exhaling and meeting his gaze with his deep blue eyes. It was dark in the room, the only light in the room from the lamp and the closed shades at the window. His eyes still resonated and they enjoyed the comfort of the safe, quiet room aside from the soft rain, together. The calm after the storm.  
"When we were in the car last night, I decided I'd tell you the whole story when I was safe." Louis murmured, his voice quiet but steady and sure. Carter felt like his heart squeezed against the walls of his chest; the truth? The whole story? He'd been trying to understand it for years and it was sitting right in front of him, about to come out.  
"You knew you were going to be safe?" He mumbled, his soft grey innocent eyes saturated with the remnants of the fear that seized him last night. When he knew there was a real possibility that Louis would have died. He was bleeding. Someone had pointed a gun at him and pulled the trigger, not with the intention to injure but to kill.  
"I was scared when I was alone... But I didn't feel afraid when I was with you."  
"I was more afraid than you..." He murmured, his hand nudging into Louis' grip seeking comfort.  
"I know, I'm sorry I did that to you. I just... drove straight to you." He shrugged, looking back down at his hand. "When I was with you I felt alright, though. You make me feel stable, and I've been telling you I'm fine for so long it helped me believe it when I said it to you."  
"It's not been true, though." He whispered, praying to know the truth or even what would happen now. He didn't even have to know the past, he didn't mind not knowing what had happened. As long as he knew the truth about what would happen now, if he would be okay.  
"No." Louis answered, "I won't lie anymore, though. I promise." He answered. And so he sighed and he gave a look of serious sincerity. It made Carter feel very real and alive and in the room. So Louis told him.  
"You remember when we met right?" Carter nodded in response. "And where we were?"  
"Yes. We were thirteen, at the store." Louis nodded.  
"We met because you were getting picked up from school, but I didn't go to school that day. I'd had a fight at home with my parents and gotten scared, so I ran away the night before. It was... before I had anywhere to go and I was young so I just went in the store. It was cold, and I knew I needed somewhere to be for the night so I just slept in the back of the store. Wasn't hard to hide." He murmured, watching Carter as he processed the truth.  
"That's why you didn't have a backpack.."  
"Yes." His voice was calm and resigned as he finally told the history he'd been hiding from everyone he'd ever known.  
"When you asked me about fate, about... if we hadn't met at the store?" Carter trailed off, Louis nodded. His eyes smiled softly to him as the air shifted. It was intimate for Louis. In that room, right then his actions, everything from his words to the things he did, began to be understood by someone else for the first time in his life. Not only someone else, but the boy he was in love with. It was terrifying, and new, and raw. It was a crack in a shell, water trickling in the tiny breaks and beginning to touch places that had been dry for his entire life. No one had ever known why he'd done anything, not the drugs, not the friends he had, not the things he said. He was the only one who understood himself, other than Jason, someone who had endured the same thing. It didn't bother Louis, not being known. He never felt lonely, or the need to be understood. He only ever loved and experienced, but now he knew he was telling his story and he felt good. He felt warmth as Carter began to think about the things he had done and understand him, felt their hearts becoming closer as they unraveled together and the strings that held them together grow and pulled closer. Like learning each other over again.  
"Yeah... If my dad hadn't hit me that night, I wouldn't have run away, and I wouldn't have seen you... I wondered if it was a good thing that had come out of something bad or if we would have met anyway."  
Carter felt his stomach sink. Hit him. He had begun to understand that his parents had been hurting him but, at word from Louis' mouth, his head gripped viciously onto the concept of Louis being beaten. And then that one concept stretched out over the length of how long they had known each other, and he thought of tiny moments. Louis looking away from his eyes, him tipping a full bottle of alcohol to his mouth, him snapping angrily when he was asked too many questions, him making out with people for the night, the way he seemed too big for his own skin as if he needed to split open his body and get out, the way his eyes looked when he lied easily and comfortably, the way he lived so whole heartedly in happy moments and was later no where to be found. He thought of all the moments he saw pain in his eyes. How tightly Louis held onto him, like he didn't feel strong enough to hold him still. How his brow creased when he kissed him, and his eyes looked like he needed to consume while he could. How he got upset those nights, and held him so hard and kissed so deeply, like he was scared and angry, and how he kissed like the way wolves eat. They didn't know when they would be without again.  
His mind fed through thousands of moments that before had confused him, and felt the weight of realization bare down and then, after he understood the pain, he thought of Louis laughing so hard he cried, and smiling with his eyes. He thought of Louis' wide, wondrous eyes as fireworks exploded before him. Him laughing so hard that no sound came out, his eyes squeezed shut and gasping for air. Him splashing water and the way his eyes shone in the sun when he looked full of delight. How people flocked to him, and he could get along with whoever he wanted to. How good he got along with Lauren, and they way he listened when she taught him how to cook. The cocky, confident look on his face when he flirted with him. The childlike elation in his eyes when he had tried kissing Carter for the first time. The time he wrestled with Carter on the couch in their basement, the time they raced each other through a field, the time they swam together in the river with the sun gleaming off their wet shoulders. All that time. All those moments. He had been suffering a hell, in secret.  
"He beat you?" Carter closed his eyes, a crease between his brow and swallowed as he processed it.  
"Yes." Louis whispered. Carter opened his eyes, staring at the sheets and breathing through his thoughts.  
"The bruises." The words came out with resistance as he struggled to keep up with his racing mind.  
"Yeah..." They were quiet for a few moments, for Carter, before he spoke as Louis allowed him to question him.  
"It was worse than that?" He asked, meeting his eyes again. He knew it was bad. Worse than a few episodes, because he understood the strength that Louis possessed. A few rough kicks wouldn't have phased him.  
"There were a lot of things involved, I guess." He breathed, making himself speak, distaste clear in his face. He was going against years of behavior, and uncovering something that suppressed was against a deeply ingrained habit. It made him feel disgusted to talk about it, the resistance making his throat hot. "Both of them were... took a lot of drugs. They made their money off selling drugs, and spent it on more drugs. They didn't act like normal people, I guess. It wasn't safe, ever. If it wasn't him than it was both of their friends, when other people came over I stayed away if I could. They... some men were touchy, and it wasn't like they were gonna stop them. When things happened, sometimes it was better than other times. He never hit on the face, so I didn't have to worry about that."  
"How long."  
"I don't remember. It's just the way they've always been. It was... different when I was younger. I was too small to think for myself so when he beat me, sometimes he locked me in the house and... I had to go without food and all, but it didn't stay that way, I got older and smarter. I made all those friends for a reason, they gave me a place to be other than home." He tried to be honest. Louis tried hard to tell the whole truth, and not withhold anything, and yet he didn't want to tell the details that were meaningless. He told as much as he knew he owed Carter, withholding what he didn't need to know.  
"I..." Carter crossed his arms over his stomach. "Why didn't you ever tell someone?" His voice strained with his emotions. Why. Louis took a deep breath, and a look of concern crossed his face, assessing Carter carefully.  
"The main reason was simple, and- I'm not the only who did what I did. When I was growing up, my dad threatened me and I honestly believed he'd kill me if I told anyone what was happening. So as a kid, I never told anyone and when I got older, no one knew anything. So they didn't know, and things just... kept going and I didn't say anything, and nothing changed... It would have been a huge thing, telling someone. And you have to understand there weren't that many people wondering, it was just you. I just didn't know how to... stop."  
Carter squeezed his eyes shut.  
" _All this time._ " He gritted. Louis stayed quiet, watching him concerned. He wasn't distraught the way Carter was, he had known all these truths his whole life, they were a normality, the way things were. He was only tired after a day of finally telling these things.  
After a few moments, Carter spoke.  
"Why now, then. What changed." Now, Louis wrung his hands nervously. "When you were in the hospital before, you said it was a stranger but it wasn't, was it." Louis shook his head. "It was him, he pulled a knife on you. What is different this time that wasn't before. Why now." He demanded.  
"Well... last time, he wasn't sober and this time he knew what he was doing..." Carter pinned him with his gaze as Louis' voice receded defensively. "Once I told the police, they were going to take me away from my parent's custody. My immediate legal guardian would have been Jason. Well, I asked him if he would move to this town.. a while after the last time I was hospitalized.. And he said he would, if I would agree to live with him, that he would move here, get an apartment. Temporarily, and I would stay here." Carter stilled, and his thoughts became quiet. Louis gripped his hands together tightly, pressing them into his lap nervously as he continued, his sentences coming slightly quicker now.  
"It was a compromise, so I would do what he wanted, and he'd come closer. And this just.. pushed it into action, that's why the police were here. Last time I told the hospital I didn't know who it was to avoid questioning and this time I didn't." Carter stood up, his arms rigid, standing away from the bed stonily, his face astonished.  
" _You lied because you'd have to move away?_ " Louis shrunk, his head ducking a centimeter.  
"That's part of it."  
"Why didn't you want to move away." He faced away from Louis, his body made of stone, his words rough.  
"Jason lives a long way away, Carter. He moved out when he got the chance, and got away. I couldn't go that far away, it was the only place I could go." His voice was worried as he tried to sate Carter, knowing he was jumping to a fast conclusion.  
"You told yourself you'd tell the truth, didn't you." His voice cut with a finality and he faced Louis, his eyes gripping him.  
"Yes." Louis looked down, his shoulders tense, his hands squirming in his lap.  
"Then, tell it. Would you have told the police when you were younger. If you hadn't met me."  
There it was, it surprised Louis how fast Carter had put that together. He didn't meet his eyes, looking down.  
"Probably." He murmured, voice quiet.  
Not probably. Yes. It was layed out between them now; yes. Carter put his hands to his face, running them up into his hair as he turned away from Louis. If Louis had never met Carter, he would have never stayed in that house. It was eighth grade when they met, Louis was beginning to think for himself at that age. It was the first time he had run away, even. It wouldn't have been even a year more before he told someone, and it wouldn't have been hard. He could have called Jason and he would have come to take Louis away on a dime. Louis wouldn't have to tell anyone, wouldn't have to make anything understood, Jason would know and he'd be taken away without losing anything. Then he met Carter and he had a reason to stay.  
" _Oh my god._ " Carter stared at the shades on the window. "Oh my god."  
"All the stuff before was true, I really didn't know how to tell anyone! It was hard to tell anyone what was happening, I didn't want to. It was just- those things that made me stay as long as I did, and the longer I stayed with you the harder it was to leave." He tumbled over his words. "It was a combination of things, and then I... I couldn't make myself leave. I wanted to, it wasn't like I didn't even think about it, it just happened that way.."  
" _You stayed because you'd never see me again._ " He paced a few agitated steps before sitting in a chair against the wall, away from him. It was true, all of the other reasons he never told the truth. But the bottom line was indisputable.  
"Carter, you didn't have any part in it, I stayed." After a few moments he stood again, coming to stand a few feet from the bed, his arms crossed as he leaned against the wall.  
"Jason let you _do that._ He allowed you to stay!" Louis shook his head, his nervousness ebbing to be replaced with protection.  
"He didn't allow me to do anything. He's always taken care of me."  
"How. Why didn't he make you leave."  
"He knew I didn't want to live with him. He wasn't going to take my choice from me, Carter. It wasn't his fault, he was always there for me. He knew what I wanted and he wouldn't force me." Carter struggled to accept it, rubbing his face again, his strong shoulders tense.  
"I can't believe he'd let you..." He muttered.  
"I would have resented him for taking me away. It was my choice." Louis murmured lowly, trying to soothe him.  
"You waited until he _pulled a gun on you._ He _shot you, twice._ I'm willing to bet you moved, because he wasn't aiming for your stomach. He could have murdered you, Louis." His voice shook.  
"I didn't know he would do that." He whispered.  
They were quiet for a few moments.  
"What do you want me to... say to that. You almost got yourself killed." They were both calm now, the chagrin replaced with tiredness on both ends. Louis stayed strong, though.  
"You don't have to say anything. It's over now anyways, and the fault is no one's. There's nothing to be angry about... It is what it is." He whispered. Carter looked at him, his gaze like the embers of a fire, calming and cooling. He stayed there for a few minutes before walking slowly to the bed and gently sitting back down, his muscles soft once again.  
"I can't even... I don't know what to say."  
"It's okay. I hope you understand... I just... did what I... did." Carter sighed and the last remnant of chagrin faded from his tense body.  
"I understand... Finally." He mumbled, meeting his gaze. "It's just hard to hear."  
Louis tentatively took his hand, rubbing it soothingly, the feeling of his palm and his fingers comforting them both. Eventually Carter moved closer to him, pressing his forehead against Louis', their eyes closing.  
"Sorry I reacted that way." He mumbled. Louis nudged his nose gently.  
"It's a lot to take in, it's okay."  
"You're not going back. Right?" He whispered, his eyes opening halfway. Louis pulled back, putting his hand on his shoulder, against the base of his neck, his palm brushing his collar bone.  
"No. It's over. I'll be living with Jason now." He murmured. And Carter thought back over all the hurt be felt over Louis, his heart feeling rugged he pressed his hand against Louis' face and kissed him. Louis kissed back, and it was deep and uniting. The kiss was communicative, telling each other that they were okay.  
"Thank you for telling me."  
"Thank you for everything... Everything you do." It seemed like he had a lot of things to say, but he limited it to that.  
Eventually, Carter lay down with him, careful against his injured body. He lay in the soft bed, shuffling under the warmth of the blankets, and Louis pressed himself gingerly up against his chest. It was a careful maneuvering of the wires attached to one of his arms, but eventually he was able to curl himself around the warmth of Carter's body, nuzzling into him. They both lay tiredly together, speaking infrequently and drifting in and out of consciousness. They stayed together in bed for hours, the dim room providing their refuge to comfort each other. When the pain returned to Louis he was administered new medicine. When lunch came around, the nurse chuckled at their napping bodies twined together as they shifted awake. Carter got food from the cafeteria and they ate together, on the bed, more than anything just happy to be together.  
It was the first day spent without the truth kept a secret.  
And when Carter whispered sleepily that he loved him, Louis said it back, this time without any desperate hurt in his voice.


	29. Chapter 29

Louis sighed, laying his chin on his arms, crossed at the basement window sill. Rain pattered gently against the glass, reflecting in his deep navy eyes. The radio hummed quietly to them, Stand by Me by Oasis.  
"You look pitiful." Carter mumbled, smiling from the couch.  
"We could be playing, it's the perfect amount of rain." He muttered indignantly.  
"It rains plenty, we'll play when it's safe." The song changed to 1979, The Smashing Pumpkins. Louis pushed away from the window, kicking the  
coffee table limply.  
"I'm well, enough." He grumbled, slumping on the couch, tossing a leg into Carter's lap.  
"The doctor knows when you're safe to be reckless again." He squeezed his ankle.  
"I'm not reckless, it's just play!" Carter gave him an unamused look, making Louis roll his eyes exasperated. "A little reckless..."  
"Jason will be here soon, just relax."  
Louis had been cooped in the house for a week. School had ended while he was in the hospital, and the summer had been unappreciated so far due to injury. Louis had been thoroughly winded by the injuries, and the incident in general. He had behaved subdued as he healed, both from his body and the shift in his life. Telling the police seemed to have been hard for him, taking a visible toll for a short time. Eventually he seemed to shrug it off, though it had disheveled him. After he had picked himself up from his state, he had rested for a while in respect to the pain in his body. But eventually he had recovered from that, and became restless. Lauren and Carter couldn't help but be relieved when Louis started to complain about being forced inside constantly, trying to cover up the little winces of pain and then being chastised by an amused Lauren.  
"Will I get to come with you?" Carter asked, rubbing at his ankles as he offered a distraction from Louis energetic boredom.  
"Today?" Louis frowned, looking uncertainly to him.  
"Sure... You'll need help moving your stuff to Jason's place. I could come see where you're living too."  
He shook his head, his expression disagreeing gracefully.  
"Not today..." Carter frowned. "Jason is gonna help me, and it's really only to... get it done quickly. I don't have... a lot of.. stuff to take with me." His room must be fairly empty. Aside from a bed, Louis must not keep more than a few things hidden away in his room. A room says a lot about a person, what they like, what makes them comfortable. Everything from how clean a room is, to weather the bed is made or not says something about the person in it. Carter could imagine that Louis' room didn't have much of anything in it. He'd probably be able to put everything that mattered to him in a backpack and leave without losing anything at all. His room wouldn't have any traces of his roots embedded into it, because he wouldn't have rooted himself to it. It probably wasn't a home to him.  
"Can I see your new home?" He asked, his thumb moving mindlessly against his smooth ankle. Louis nodded, happy to relent.  
"Of course. Just, wait for me to get into it... I don't want to..." Louis exhaled roughly as he struggled to speak his mind. After the hospital, he had been taking advantage of his new strange ability to be honest to him. "I don't want you to be at that... house. I don't want to... mix you with it. You've always been separate from that part of... everything. I don't want to mix the two things after having kept you separate all this time. I just wanna move out and be done with it." He swallowed, looking like he was still getting used to talking about that part of him.  
"Okay... Then... I'll see the new place when you're ready." Louis shook his head as he smiled, leaning towards him and kissing him softly before pulling away.  
"What?" Carter giggled breathlessly.  
"You're a good boyfriend." Louis chuckled. Carter blinked in surprise, mouth open a bit. "What?" Louis tilted his head. Carter stumbled for a moment.  
"Uh... I... Nothing, you just said.. boyfriend." He mumbled, cheeks a coloring with soft pink, looking dumbstruck. Louis gave him a fond look of amusement.  
"Yeah?" Carter shrugged.  
"I just- I didn't know that's what.. I was." Louis shuffled until he was in his lap, his hands resting on his waist.  
"That's what you are to me... I think that's what I am to you, but that's up to you."  
"Oh... Well... I think so.." Louis smiled at him.  
"What did you think this was?"  
"I don't know, what... I didn't think about it." He shrugged. "I guess I just like... you."  
"Well, I don't like any one else... And you don't want to like anyone else, right?" Carter thought about liking anyone else and immediately recoiled from it.  
"No, I don't."  
"I haven't been with anyone else since you kissed me... And you haven't, that's what you do when you're with someone, and you only want to be with them." Carter knew all of this, he wasn't an idiot and Louis saying it didn't make him feel any less intelligent. Both of them knew that Carter just didn't think about things in that way.  
"Well... I like being your boyfriend." He mumbled, his cheeks rosen.  
"I like you being my boyfriend." Louis mumbled, smiling as he leaned down to kiss him, keeping his smile as his hand moved to his face. They kissed for a while as Carter's hands squeezed onto his hips, until the sound of a knock at the front door. Louis hopped off of his lap and pranced with light feet to the side of the room picking up a bag of clothes.  
He had been sleeping on the couch for a few nights, insisting awkwardly that he didn't need to sleep in Carter's bed. Lauren had told him he needed to sleep in a bed while he was recovering, even though he was on the uphill side of it. Carter supposed it had something to do with the fact that Louis didn't behave nearly as touchy and open around her, resorting to giving him loving looks and smiling a lot. He thought it was unusual, but didn't mind so much when he padded down to the basement at night and Louis couldn't keep himself from smiling, practically purring under his hands. They spent those nights with the TV on low with the door closed and the lights off. They stayed up until early hours of the morning with only the warm light of a lamp or the cold light of the TV, normally talking constantly with low voices and playing different games. Carter found himself listening to Louis speaking animatedly about music, going on as he talked passionately, and he loved listening to him. When they weren't being totally innocent, they found themselves on the floor or the couch, clinging to each other with varied intensity and kissing constantly. Carter had learned quickly and was always happy to exercise the things Louis taught him, sucking at his tongue or biting him. There were a few things that kept two seventeen year old boys from getting carried away with themselves, locked up in a dark basement alone for more than a few nights. One of them being that Louis was still recovering from injury, and if he let himself be held too tightly he sometimes had to pull away and cringe in pain. Another being that Louis had been hiding his bruised body for a long time, and they had avoided talk about anything further than roaming hands. Another that Carter simply hadn't thought about sex, and now it seemed they were playing at the edge of it, though not having quite tipped over. Regardless, the long nights were very enjoyable for both them, not wasted for a single minute. If they weren't feeling each other up, they were tangled together under a blanket watching TV, or playing together quietly, or muffling laughter, or talking to each other . When the morning came and Lauren eyed them suspiciously as they both drug themselves out of bed, looking less than rested and content still.  
Louis threw the bag over his shoulder, followed by Carter as they trotted up the stairs into the kitchen. Jason chatted with Lauren, the front door open. Through the screen door he could see his car idling in the drizzled rain. Jason wrapped up his chat as Louis told Carter he'd go get settled and when he got back they'd go see the new home.  
As Jason ushered him to come, Louis glanced at Lauren before waving to Carter and mumbling a goodbye, smiling softly to him as he followed after his brother. Carter grinned happily as he turned away from the door, noticing Lauren giving him a dead pan look. He frowned in confusion as she started to make lunch, laying things out for him to help with.  
"What?" He asked. Lauren gave him an amused look.  
"Nothing, nothing. Boil some water, please."


	30. Chapter 30

Jason drove them down the road as the rain died away slowly. Carter watched Louis as he leaned against the window, his cobalt eyes seeming to harmonize with the water outside. He smiled peacefully as he looked up at the sky.  
"I forgot how much it rains here." Jason turned the wheel.  
"S'been more then usual." Louis murmured, not looking away from the soaked streets.  
"Gonna be swimming to the door step." He muttered, Louis smiled at his words.  
"I like the rain." He mumbled. Carter marveled at him. His existence. Every little living action; amazing.  
The car pulled into a parking space in front of an apartment complex. Louis and Carter got out and as they ran in, Carter grabbed Louis and stomped in a puddle of water, drenching their feet.  
"N- Dammit, fucking- gonna be wet. You two aren't coming in until your feet are dry." Jason chastised, rolling his eyes good naturedly. Louis and him kicked water at each other until running to catch up to Jason, climbing stairs up to a second story door. Louis and him looked out over the railing of the walk way, until they had been given a towel to dry their feet, leaving their shoes next to the door.  
Louis walked him inside excitedly showing him the rooms. The living room, kitchen, Jason's room, the bathroom, and finally Louis got to his room. He spun around, arms out.  
"Here it is." He chirped. Carter looked around, feeling warm to be in Louis' room. He'd never been in his room before, or even in a house that Louis lived in. The bed was on the floor, draped in thick blankets and two pillows. There wasn't much in it, other than sheet music spread across the floor and a CD player with a stack of CD's. There was a dresser with a box on top of it, and Carter recognized it as the Christmas gift he'd given him.  
"The pictures I took." He mumbled, walking to the box and opening it gently, looking to see them before closing it back.  
"Yeah... I kept them somewhere safe." He thought of Louis hiding away the box under a bed and felt a little bit sick, reminded of the secret Louis had lived through on his own.  
"What's all that?" Carter looked through the CD's against the wall, then looking at the sheet music on the floor next to the bed. Louis lamented of not having a piano to play on until school started again, that he only got to play on the one at the music store when he got the chance. He interested himself in Louis' things, having never seen any physical possessions of his. Louis had always been pure, unencumbered spirit, and that was what Carter had ever known him by. Simply who he was, he'd never seen Louis' house, he didn't have a car, never seen anything he owned. It was like seeing treasure, and Louis sat on the bed watching him card through his sheet music. Chopin, Mozart, Moonlight Sonatas, a few different Nocturnes, a few contemporary songs, artists Carter didn't even recognize, a whole different kind of music than the CD's kept near the player. After a while, Louis patted the bed.  
"Come here, you've seen pretty much everything." He pushed blankets aside, patting the bed with a little asking smile. Carter gladly granted him, sitting down in the bed. Louis looked him over for a moment, eyes dropping and roaming all the way back up.  
"What are you thinking?" Carter asked.  
"I've... been getting in your bed for a long time, and now you've finally gotten in mine." He mumbled. Carter smiled, crawling towards the pillows and laying down into them, stretching himself out until his feet reached the end of the bed. Louis looked at him again, eyes making a fast, thorough round before he looked up and away. He rolled his eyes and licked his lips, laughing once.  
"What?" Carter smiled innocently.  
"You're being... attractive." He mumbled, his face turning down with a soft smile.  
"I don't know what you're talking about, I'm just resting." Louis gave him a look before crawling over him, Carter's hands going up to slide against his waist naturally. Louis lay down against him, nibbling at his neck before starting to suck. Carter leaned his head back, giving him room, practically waving a green light at him to give him a hickey. But, as was usual, he eventually stopped before he sucked hard enough to leave a mark.  
"Why won't you give me a hickey?" Carter pushed him back enough to look at him, fixing him with a questioning gaze.  
"You're mother would end up seeing it..." Carter frowned. Louis never answered to anyone and now it seemed that he was answering to Lauren.  
"And?"  
"Well... she'd probably wonder where it came from." Carter gave him a look of distaste.  
"She's not exactly a strict mother... She doesn't care who it came from... Is it because you're a guy?" Louis shook his head roughly.  
"No, no. I just... She doesn't know I'm gay, or that you are. And she's probably fine with it, but- I don't know... She doesn't need to know it's me..." Louis mumbled, sounding insecure.  
"She loves you."  
"I feel... just, I don't know... uncomfortable telling her. I don't want her to know I'm in love with her son." The sentence made a pool of warmth seep into his stomach, 'in love with her son.'  
"You didn't let anyone else stop you from kissing me, don't let her. She loves you anyways." Louis frowned, waiting for a moment.  
"Well... Okay... If she finds out, then she does. But I've never come out to anyone... She just... she's your mother and I've been hiding from anyone... close to a parent figure... it's hard to tell her that." He hid from his parents so now he was afraid to tell Lauren the truth. Even more so since Louis had been Carter's friend for so long. Carter understood now.  
He pressed a hand against his face for a moment, their eyes connected before he rolled them over, pressing Louis into his mattress. He pressed a their mouths together, kissing him deeply before he nudged his jaw out of the way, nibbling at his neck. He sucked hard, biting. Louis pushed against him for a moment, squirming under him.  
"Your mom..." He mumbled, his voice high in pitch and irresistible. It got under Carter's skin in a second, seeping into his muscles and doing nothing but spurring him on. He took Louis' wrists in his hands and pulled them away from his shoulders, holding them tightly. His blood felt warm as he bit his neck.  
"Let her see it." Carter spoke forcefully. Louis shivered under him, his head tilting back and his arms going in limp in his grip. Carter felt every move of his body, and his acceptance shot through his whole body, his hands gripped against Louis body. Louis' breath came in a sharp gasp, his legs gripping around one of Carter's. Carter could have moaned at the feeling of Louis' body responding. It drove him, sucking as Louis' hand gripped into his hair. The sound of Louis' breath in his ear was amazingly effective, every single hitch made Carter suck harder. Louis squeezed his leg between his thighs, his hands gripping against his hair and shoulders. Their were chills rising along his skin. Louis pulled at his body until he was pressed against him, until he could feel every move of his warm, pliant body. Louis' hands roamed over him making him feel strong, happy that Louis had picked him to let hold him like this.  
It struck Carter in a rush of pain and warmth that Louis was safe, the feeling of his body under his reminding him that Louis wasn't going to hurt anymore. He wouldn't have to wonder what was hurting him anymore.  
When Carter felt the satisfaction in his blood and the impatient hunger leave his muscles, he pulled away supporting himself to lean over Louis. Louis was a sight to see. His eyes blinked as he swallowed, his pupils were wider than usual, blue eyes wild. He panted softly as he lay nestled in the bed where Carter had put him, his neck marked with color and accompanied by pale spots where he had bitten. The bite marks faded until they were gone. Louis looked up at him, a crease between his brow.  
"Wh- What the hell was that." He huffed breathlessly. Carter smiled. Louis raised a hand to his neck.  
"I don't know..." He mumbled, leaning to the side so he wasn't quite pinned under him. "Felt nice.. though." Louis gave him an amazed look, like he couldn't believe the contrast between Carter's confidence and his unassuming nature. He shook his head at him, laughing.  
"You're... amazing." Carter smiled.  
"Thank you."  
"One day I'm gonna beat you to the first... like.. time of something." Carter tilted his head.  
"You kissed me before I got to it. I was thinking about it and you just... did it. Now you're taking my lines from me again. I thought I'd give you hickeys first." He giggled. Carter smiled.  
"I didn't know you wanted to kiss me first."  
"I practically asked you if you were okay with it and you didn't even notice." Carter laughed with him. He remembers thinking Louis would be okay with it if he kissed him but not knowing for sure. Now he was glad he did, leaning on his elbow with Louis laying so beautifully next to him, his legs loosely wrapped around his.  
After an hour of Louis laying wrapped around him, they left the room. Jason wandered into the kitchen where they stood against the counter, getting a water bottle from the refrigerator. His eyes caught on Louis' neck. Louis blushed and rubbed his neck. Jason sighed.  
"This is what I moved for." Louis huffed a laugh, as his brother left. Carter smiled, feeling an unexpected warmth in his chest that he had left a mark that showed some of how he felt. That it was him that had left it, and that he trust himself to love him for all the right reasons.


	31. Chapter 31

Carter lay in his bed, Louis beside him asleep. He had abandoned the book that lay open beside him on the sheets. He was completely distracted. No. He _was_ distracted, by the book, and Louis was the focus that had been calling him. He had fallen asleep with his back pressed against his side, but eventually he turned over groggily until his head was laying on Carter's chest. It had effectively brought Carter to leave the book, a summer AP literature assignment. Louis breathed deeply, his body limp and alive with the soft movement of his ribs. Carter thought about the heart that was beating somewhere in his chest, pumping blood which was precious in complete respect to the fact that it was his and that it gave life to him. His eyes were closed and his eyelashes lay dark and beautiful against his soft cheeks. His thick black hair feathered against Carter's arm.  
Carter must have watched him sleep for fifteen minutes before his brow creased. Louis flinched in his sleep, his hands twitching. He shuffled restlessly for a few moments before he kicked out viciously, a panicked yelp of fear escaping him. His eyes shot open and he panted furiously, forcing himself into a upright position, unstable as he swayed and gained his balance. He looked around in panic as Carter put a hand on him, sitting up with him.  
"Hey." He whispered. "Hey, hey." He gripped Louis with both hands and instantly regretted it. Louis cringed, ducking his head and squeezing his eyes shut, his body tense. Carter recoiled quickly, not moving away but letting go.  
"Lou..." They sat in silence for a moment as Louis' breathing slowed gradually. When he was breathing normally, he took a deep inhale and exhale, his shoulders relaxing and his hands falling to the bed. He swallowed, finally meeting Carter's eyes in the dark room.  
"Sorry..." Carter stayed where he was, waiting before touching him again. It made him nauseated for a moment when Louis cringed. Like he would hit him.  
"Are you okay?"  
Louis blinked, nodding.  
"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine." He shuffled forward so that he wasn't pressed against the wall, "It's okay." He reassured him.  
"What... what happened." They sat next to each other as he recovered himself.  
"Had a dream." He murmured calmingly. "I was worried that might happen when I was spending the night over here..."  
"You had it before?"  
"I get them every once in a while, since the... I moved in with Jason." Carter reached out and placed a tentative hand against his.  
"You... feel safe, don't you?" Louis huffed a laugh, looking at him.  
"Yeah, I do." He murmured, his hand responding.  
"Why do you laugh like that? You do that... sometimes." Louis smiled again, his eyes still tinged with the remnants of the nightmare.  
"You amaze me, constantly. Sometimes it's just the way I react."  
"You... cringed. It seemed like you were scared." He whispered.  
"Not of you, Rose." He whispered, squeezing his hand. "It's been weird since... I left. I was used to it, so now I'm getting used to not being scared. The dreams come every once in a while... I feel safe though, that's the part I'm getting used to."  
They sat in the quiet for a few moments.  
"You... I'd never hurt you, at all. You know that, right?" Louis was silent for a few moments before he pressed his face into Carter's chest and his arm wrapped around him. He hugged him closer until he was wiping his eyes.  
"Damn." Louis' voice was thick with the tears. "I don't ever cry over this, and somehow you managed to make me." He chuckled wetly, as they held onto each other.  
"I know." Louis spoke again. "I know you wouldn't."  
And so Carter kissed his hair and laid down, opening his arms to invite him into them. Louis burrowed into him, their bodies wrapped warmly together.

-

Louis sat on Carter's bed, their eyes connected. It was the beginning of June, he had healed.  
Lauren had seen the hickey weeks ago even though Louis had done his best to keep it hidden. Lauren had laughed at his nervousness, not asking him any questions. Louis looked thoroughly uncomfortable, and Carter knew he truly had conditioned himself not to trust a parent figure. It saddened him to see. Louis and Lauren truly got along well, they talked to each other more than even her and Carter, if anything Lauren treated Louis as a son in the same way she did Carter. She didn't ask any questions about his life, and didn't ask what had happened the night she rushed him to the hospital, and she showed him nothing but unconditional acceptance. And it still wasn't enough to take away the fear he had been raised in.  
Carter knelt on the bed, holding his face in his hands. He is beautiful, in ways that Carter sees with his soul and not his eyes. It was about ten in the evening. They had been almost inseparable for weeks now. Louis didn't hurt the way he used to.  
His hands came up to hold on with their warm grip to Carter's arms. Carter leaned down to kiss him, pressing their mouths together and feeling the warm and softness. Right now he didn't know how he possibly stopped himself from kissing Louis when they were friends for so long, before. His hands ran into his hair and he kissed him deeper, their mouths moving in such perfect harmony it took no thought, no effort at all. Louis took control, grabbing him and pushing him onto his back, he pressed their bodies close. He loved the feel of Louis' chest against his and his soft stomach against his and the way his hips felt and how they flowed so beautifully into his legs. Carter ran his hands into Louis shirt and felt his back, how the muscle flowed and the bone of his ribs felt, and the soft fat on his hips. Things he could do now that Louis was healthy and he could be held.  
It had been increasingly hard not to talk to each other about sex, and truthfully they were getting frustrated just touching they way they were. Carter had never thought about sex before. Not even for a while after Louis had become his boyfriend. He knew about it, he just didn't really feel anything about it. He thought perhaps he didn't have those kinds of urges, perhaps he just didn't... feel that way. But he had been proven wrong and eventually woken up after dreams of Louis with hard on's that he had to deal with, and he didn't even know what to think about while he did. He had seen sex scenes in movies, and heard Louis' friends talk about it, but none of that appealed to him. He resorted to imagining touching Louis the way he normally did, just without much on. It proved to be effective.  
Louis took a heavy weight off his shoulders when he one day asked if he was a virgin. Carter told him he was, wondering if this was a good or bad thing for him. Louis seemed to smile though, so he felt it must be a good thing.  
"Why?" Carter had asked.  
"We could... there's stuff we could do, if you wanted to." Carter felt his chest constrict like a snake was around it, thinking how immensely brave Louis was, asking about something so serious.  
"That sounds.. good. I think." Louis had smiled happily and said okay, smirking as he pretended the conversation had never happened. Carter was left wondering if they were going to have sex or not, but he supposed they were, he just didn't know when.  
They hadn't done anything since they had talked about it, not having the right time. But he supposed Louis would decide when he wanted to. All he knew was that he felt good when he was with him, and that now, with the comfort of his bed and Louis' warm weight over him, he was okay with whatever Louis wanted.  
They lay on the bed, not going very far, knowing Lauren was in the next room. Louis had his hand inside Carter's shirt, touching as he kissed his neck. Carter had his eyes closed, feeling more than content and happy to be given undivided attention, something he had been getting a lot of since Louis had stopped drinking and smoking. They were quite distracted so it was unfortunate that Lauren happened to walk in at that very moment.  
Louis lifted his head, eyes wide and Carter pulled his hands away.  
"Oh!" Lauren yelped, "Jesus!"  
"Oh my god." Louis gasped, scrambling up from him.  
Louis was off him in a second, sitting away from him, pulling his shirt down, gaping with no response whatsoever as she blinked rapidly.  
"I-..." Louis started, unable to form a continuous thought.  
"Um... I'll be... in the kitchen. Come out, in a moment, please?" She gave a wide eyed turn and exited, closing the door behind her. Louis sat for a moment, eyes wide and mouth open. Carter sat up, pulling his shirt in order.  
"Uh..."  
"Oh my god." Louis still hadn't recovered.  
"That was bound to happen, eventually..." Carter tried to amend.  
"Oh my god." Louis squeezed his eyes shut, mouth still open.  
"It's okay. We gotta go talk to her, come on."  
"No. No, no, I don't want to. I should just go home." Carter gave him a serious look.  
"Louis." They sat for a moment as he closed his mouth and took a deep breath, standing up. Carter stood with him. "Come on, it's fine. She's not mad, she just wants to talk, you need to talk."  
And that was how the two boys trudged the guiltiest walk of shame through the living room to the kitchen, eyes cast down. Lauren had made tea and poured some into cups, setting them on the table, her eyebrows still up from the awkward encounter. The boys sat at the table, together as Lauren got sugar. Louis stared at the cup in front of him morbidly, looking thoroughly miserable. Carter sat with only a small look of innocent guilt in his eyes as Lauren settled across the table from them.  
"Well." She started, mixing her sugar. Louis didn't look anywhere but his cup, clearly ready to be anywhere but there.  
"Sorry, mom..." Carter mumbled, seeing as Louis was surely not making any attempt whatsoever.  
"No, it seems I should remember to knock." She giggled in a little pitter of amusement. Louis gave a confused look. "So, how long were you two going to sneak around, like that?" She sipped her tea once, eyes seeming rather unsurprised now that the initial shock of the awkward encounter had passed.  
"Well... We weren't trying to hide." Carter tried to talk, but due to his nature and the awkwardness of the situation it seemed that the conversation was moving slowly.  
"Oh, clearly." Lauren giggled.  
"You knew?" Louis spoke up. Lauren gave him a sympathetic look.  
"As clever as you are, you two didn't do too well at... keeping that very private."  
Louis covered his face and whispered some kind of lament into his hands.  
"How did you know?" Carter asked curiously.  
"Honey, it's been like watching a sitcom for almost two years now." Carter thought back to the day Jason saw them kiss in the hospital, he told them they were obvious.  
"Why didn't you say anything?" Louis asked, voice quiet and guilty.  
"Well... I don't know, I figured you'd let me know when you were ready. I trust the both of you." She smiled sweetly. This made Louis come out of his concrete shell just a bit. "Does anyone else know about my son's relationship, besides me?"  
"Jason." They mumbled in unison. She gave an exasperated look.  
"Anyone else?"  
"Just Louis' friends." Carter spoke.  
"Honestly! Were you saving me for last, then?" Louis was looking at her with less fear now.  
"No!" Carter comforted, "We didn't tell anyone, they all just found out."  
"As uncomfortably as me?" Carter laughed, blushing.  
"Not really."  
"Well, I'm a bit put out to be the last to 'know'." She put emphasis on the last word, making it clear she had known. "I'd appreciate it if you two quit sneaking, now."  
"Sorry." Louis mumbled, his head angled down. Lauren graciously allowed him to feel whatever he did, not poking into his clear discomfort.  
"How long, then? When did this start?" She sipped tea looking excited to finally interrogate.  
"Um..." Carter looked to Louis in habit, for the answer and gaining a silent look from him. "The first few months of junior year." Lauren sighed, rolling her eyes.  
"Seems like it's been longer." Louis shook his head in confusion, adjusting to her response. She wasn't concerned that he was dating her son, she was concerned that she had missed out on the story.  
"Who made the first move?" She smiled deviously. Louis widened his eyes at the table.  
"Me." Carter mumbled, laughing. Lauren gave him a humorous look.  
"Are you sure?"  
"Wh- I- Yes? What does that mean?"  
"Oh, honey." She giggled, Louis shot him an amused look and Carter frowned indignantly.  
"You're not mad?" Louis gave her a tentative look. She smiled kindly, lowering her tea and stopping her fun.  
"Of course not, there's no wrong done." Louis digested that for a moment. "I can't imagine anything to be unhappy about... You're a good kid." Louis' eyes shifted and Carter could tell he was thinking over the things he had done to ease his hurt.  
"You're Carter's friend, just because you.. like him, doesn't change anything. He certainly likes you." She smiled, too happy to finally be able to make them uncomfortable, and it worked.  
"That's good." Louis murmured quietly. Lauren smiled softly to him when he wasn't looking.  
"You're always welcome around here, darling." And Louis picked up his tea, sipping it without sugar. Carter loved the way his hands looked around the cup, different in every lighting.  
" _But_ , since I know now, I have to be thorough." They looked up warily.  
"Are you sexually active?" She smirked, unable to hide her amusement.  
" _Mom._ " Carter blushed as Louis' cheeks matched his, looking at his hands around his cup.  
"Okay. Sorry, sorry. You don't have to get it from me, just read about it, please. Be safe."  
And so they wiggled out from the conversation and left the house as quickly as possible.  
Outside they were silent for a while until they reached an open field they could sit in. Finally they burst into appalled giggles, faces still pink.  
"That wasn't so bad." Louis mumbled after they recovered.  
"That was bad." Carter laughed. "They always say 'sexually active', I hate that." Louis groaned.  
"It was terrible." And he smiled as he covered his face.  
It was terrible, but not terrible.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suppose it can be confusing; the italics are usually just emphasis if for one or a few words. But when a sentence is italicized that means it's a character thought. :)

The summer between junior and senior year was a continuous string of careless abandon. It was easily the happiest summer ever spent for either one of them, barely more than two days spent apart for the time they had.  
Louis didn't speak any more about what had happened in his home, only talking of it when it was brought up. It was clear to Carter that he was a different kind of person in result of what had happened to him, but he could still feel the light in his soul seeming to rekindle itself in what ways it hadn't been extinguished.  
On Saturdays at midnight, they spent most of those times at the picture show. Louis stopped looking so sad at the end, Carter watched him. He progressively became brighter, going to the show smiling and making friends and attracting people. He danced with the people in the shows, and when the call lines came he recited them all with accuracy. Sometimes he made his own jokes and called them out as the movie played, making even the people acting out the show laugh. He didn't seem to care about the laughing of the audience at his jokes though, preferring to beam at Carter. One night Louis made out with him in the back of the theater, protected in darkness. He leaned across the middle of their seats, biting his lip and roaming with his hands.  
One night when they left the picture show, Louis was particularly tired. He had laughed and danced and watched the show all the way through, with sparkling eyes, but both of them were tired.  
They both had woken up in the early hours of the morning that day, hours before the sun had even risen. Hair a mess and still in the clothes they had worn the day before, they had delighted in the hours before the sun had risen. They played in the basement, and when they knew the sun would be rising, they had quietly left the house, walking down the dark road together. The road had been thickly surrounded with trees, and they had looked up at the moon peaking through the bows of the trees over their heads. They made it to a cattle field and laughed at each other as Carter had precariously tumbled over the fence, and Louis had crawled under it through the cool grass. The field was like daylight compared to the dark road under the trees, washed in white moonlight. Carter had let Louis pull him to farther into the field until they got to a patch of grass, pulling him down into it.  
He had a hard time deciding where to look, between the wide open star filled sky and the boy sitting next to him, it was a pull between beautiful things. When he looked up the sky was black and alight with piercing points of pure light, the moon snow white and wondrous. When he looked to his side, he saw the most beautiful person he'd ever known. His hair black and streaked with white light, messy. His body a comfort just to be around, and his face content, lit with magical light. His _eyes_. Pale blue in the light, and filled with his soul, it was Carter's favorite thing to look at. He loved watching Louis move his eyes between him and the sky, and loved when he settled on one of the two. It was intoxicating; Carter wondered if he shouldn't feel this way, was it normal, to love some infinitesimally small things about a person. He didn't care. Louis sat next to him, his legs crossed as they spoke quietly to each other. Carter had leaned back on his hands, wondering at the beauty above him and beside him.  
Louis looked up at the sky, sighing and smiling softly.  
"I'm glad you do this stuff with me. Makes it... better. Way better" He chuckled. Carter had looked at him, gazing at the sky and so beautiful, and thought he must be completely oblivious to himself. _You're the one who does such great things._ He was thanking him for doing things with him, and Carter could only think about the fact that Louis did such things that other people didn't do. He was the one who was special, and it was him who made Carter do things he never would have done without him. Carter was so happy to follow him anywhere, and yet he was so unaware of the difference between himself and everyone else. Before Carter answered he thought that maybe there wasn't a difference between Louis and everyone else, maybe he and the universe were the same, but it didn't matter. He was like nothing and no other that Carter knew, so it didn't matter.  
"I'm glad you... do things with me, too." Carter mumbled, and Louis leaned into him, kissing the side of his neck.  
The night had begun to soften from it's depth, and the sun had risen in front of them that morning. It's light had slowly graced the field before them and dew formed on the grass, gleaming. The sky was absolutely inexplicable, one form of beauty died and was reborn into another. The black night was reincarnated into the warm color of dawn. The stars became clouds, the moon reborn into the sun. The sky molded and shed like the seasons before them, and they fell silent as the sun rose, leaning against each other.  
The display was beautiful in one word. And yet it just didn't hold up to the way Carter felt when he looked at Louis that morning. The sky had seemingly lent it's rising beauty to Louis' face and as the light slowly lit him up, everything changed. His skin slowly colored with the warm light, and his eyes slowly lost their pale blue luminence and became like blue fire. It was when the sun finally broke the tree line and touched his face that it took his breath away. How unfair it was to the world that every time it changed it just seemed to give away pieces of it's beauty for Louis to wear, like clothes, never looking bad in any thing.  
Carter didn't always feel so crippled when he looked at Louis, but it seemed with each year he couldn't look away.  
When the sun had risen above the trees, Louis kissed Carter softly, his body pressed against his side.  
That night, or rather the next morning at two thirty, when Carter was driving them home from the picture show, Louis had fallen asleep in the passenger seat. His body soft and motionless, slumped against the door, the moving light of the street sliding over him.  
Carter thought about how he had gone through the whole day, not wasting a single second. Playing with him, cooking lunch with Lauren, taking Carter to play at the river with his friends, all bright with life. He seemed like he was willing to heal the pain in his heart, making the best of what he could, showing such strength Carter didn't know where he got. Louis didn't waste a second of the time he was awake, not until midnight when he was dancing with strangers in a theater and letting Carter twirl him around in the cold light of the projector, dust swirling around them. He went to the last moment, and his sleep now was deep.

 

-

The air was warm as it ever would be when he sat with Louis in the back of a beaten up car, the windows down. The sun had emerged from the clouds and Louis' friends had piled into a car and taken a trip to the beach, an hour out of town. The wind whipped through their hair, and Louis was loud and bright, laughing with his friends. He leaned out the window and his hand made waves in the wind, arm extended into the air as the car raced over the pavement.  
The beach was surrounded by black cliff sides, and vacant for miles, the ocean scattered with boulders that broke waves and varied in size. Louis ran to the water, chased by Carter and splashed with reckless abandon into the waves. Carter felt the cold up to his knees and stopped, laughing as Louis fell over, unbalanced into the water, coming up and groaning in cold. His friends stayed on the beach, unloading the car.  
"It feels cold!" Carter called, crossing his arms and curling his toes in the soft sand.  
"It's freezing." Louis laughed, waving him to come. "You just have to get in!"  
Carter steeled himself and followed him, the cold gripping into his muscles. When he got to him, Louis grabbed his hand and pulled at him as hard as he could, unbalancing him in the tug of the waves. He fell into the water, splashing as he sat up.  
"Wow, that's cold." They giggled.  
Sitting in the water, they wrestled and played and tried to push each other under, tickling to get advantages. By the time the others got into the water, the two of them were comfortable in the water, adjusting to the temperature. After a few hours of attempting to surf with his friend's surfboards, Louis left the water.  
Carter dripped on the sand, making footprints as he found Louis, digging through the back of the car. He dug through the a few bags until he found a mesh bag, pulling it out.  
"Here, it's beach.. stuff." Louis, beamed holding it out. They opened it up and pulled out three different shaped buckets. One was bright green, one was purple, the other was blue, shaped like castles.  
"Here, I've never made a sand castle." Louis chirped, as they walked to a suitable area of sand.  
"You've never made one?" They used flimsy shovels to fill their buckets with damp sand, laughing when they almost broke one.  
"Well... my parents weren't gonna take me." Louis murmured quietly, his smiling lessening but still their to lessen the infliction of his words. Carter didn't answer, and accidentally missed the bucket he was filling, emptying his shovel onto the sand again.  
"You have?" Louis soldiered caringly, moving on. Carter tried to as well.  
"Yeah, mom used to take me when I was younger. My dad took me too."  
They made three castles, failing with a few before learning how to pack wet sand.  
"You think your dad would like me?" Louis asked, as they used their hands to dig a river around the three castles.  
"I think so. He's kind... I think my parents want me to have friends." Louis smiled, looking up at him distractedly.  
"I'm surprised you even knew that much." He chuckled softly.  
"What?"  
"I didn't think you'd notice."  
"Oh."  
"You don't think he'd mind that... you're with me?" Louis asked as the carried their buckets to the waves.  
"I don't know... I don't think he would." They filled their buckets with water and tried not to spill any on their way back, emptying it into the river around their castles. They stuck twig at the top of the tallest tower. Alexia came over to them and held up a camera.  
"Picture of the sand kingdom?" She giggled. Louis sat next to Carter and pulled his arm around his shoulders and holding the hand over his shoulder. She held it up and clicked it as they smiled.  
"One more!" He asked and she held it back up. Just before she clicked the shutter, Louis pulled his face to his and kissed him. He blushed as she laughed.  
Later when the sun began to set over the water, the two of them padded back into the ocean. The water was alight with orange and red, sinking the sun. Carter followed Louis as he swam until their feet couldn't touch. Eventually they were far enough from the shore that everyone else was distant and small. Louis' skin was wet and he looked beautiful again. They paddled to stay afloat in the salty, rather buoyant water. When they paddled back, only a short distance from where their feet could touch, the water was deep blue and the sun was gone, only a few dying rays of light cast across the ocean.  
When they got back onto the shore, wading out of the water they were both panting and walking on exhausted legs. They joined their friends next to the car, laying out blankets on the sand.  
A few hours later a fire had been kindled, and the friends drank. Louis didn't want to though, declining and sitting on the blanket he shared with Carter. Carter was warm and happy, looking at him. The sound of the ocean waves crashing on the shore melded with Louis' content sigh, the wind playing in their hair.  
"I love you." Carter mumbled quietly, putting his arm around him. Louis leaned into his hold and his head fell onto his shoulder.  
"I love you, too." And they looked at the dark ocean, the moon's light refracting off of the water, waves coming in white curls. They lay down and looked at the stars for a while, Louis' head on his chest.  
"I'm getting really tired." Louis mumbled, sounding the way he did when he was sleepy.  
"Wanna sleep in the back of the car?"  
"There enough room?" He mumbled, his eyes closed.  
"Yeah, I think so." He murmured, patting his arm. Louis bundled up the blanket and yawned, following him to the car a few feet from their friends and the light of the fire. Carter opened the very back of it and pulled out a few bags, pushing them over the back of the car seat, clearing the open floor of the back. Louis gave him the blanket and he lay it on the floor, sitting on it and helping Louis pull the door down and closed.  
"I wanna open the window." So they pulled the rusty lock on it and pushed it out, flipping the window up.  
Carter lay down wrapped his arms around Louis as they pulled the excess of the big blanket around them. The sound of the ocean came through the open window, and Louis rolled over in his arms to face him.  
The sound of his deep breathing lulled him to sleep faster than the water did.


	33. Chapter 33

"It's about a two hour drive." Jason spoke from the kitchen with Louis. Carter sat on the couch in the living room, arranging a Rubik's cube. Louis had used his brother's car to pick him up and spend the night at Jason's apartment. It sounded like Jason was going out of town for the night, which meant they'd be without the car. The TV was playing in front of him, but his head was half focused on Louis' conversation and the other half on the cube.  
"Why are you going back?"  
"Just to pick up some stuff I left at a friend's house." Jason's keys sounded along with their conversation.  
"Do you think you can get movies on the way back?"  
"Yeah, as long as you keep him in your room." Jason murmured under his breath, a mischievous lilt in his voice, something Carter was attuned to from Louis' voice.  
"Shut the fuck up, you're gross." Louis muttered, getting a pleased cackle from Jason.  
"Whatever, I'm going. I left money in my room for food."  
"Go away." Jason walked towards the front door in his peripheral vision. They exchanged words that Carter forgot to listen to as he line up all the blues on one side of the cube.  
"Be safe." Louis spoke, and Jason playfully teased him about it before the door shut and the voices were reduced to silence. Louis left the room, going through the hallway. Carter frowned, looking at the cube for a few moments before he started meddling with it again, trying to align the whites. After a few minutes Louis leaned out of the hallway, his brow creased.  
"Hey? Didn't you hear me?" Carter lifted his head, his brow raised. "Hm? Oh- no, sorry." He gave Louis his attention for a moment before trying to fix the whites again.  
"Let's go to my room." Louis spoke again, and Carter was so focused he didn't actually look up. Something that was quite abnormal.  
"Hm?" He mumbled, his hands shifting faster on the cube. Louis frowned and stepped into the room, not used to having to ask twice.  
"Carter." He grumbled, coming to the couch and crawling over the arm onto the seat next to him.  
"Yeah..." He mumbled, the squares moving faster.  
"You've never even tried a Rubik's cube before, you can try it later." Louis' hand held onto his arm, tugging lightly.  
"I'm almost half way done." He mumbled, "One second."  
Louis paused, looking at the cube and making a surprised hum. He quickly began tugging on his arm again.  
"Come on." He mumbled.  
"Wh- Let me finish the whites." Louis huffed and as his hands flipped the cube around he felt his breath fan across his neck and he faltered for one moment, Louis' mouth laying kisses against the side of his neck, ranging up to his jawline. He swallowed, feeling his skin ripple before regaining composure and moving the whites around.  
"This is gonna take too long." Louis mumbled quietly and his voice drifted into his ear, making him swallow. It was strange for him. Louis' teeth bit into the warm skin of his neck and he jumped, sliding the last white square into form with the rest of them.  
"Impressive." Louis breathed and he was on his feet pulling him up.  
"What?" Carter frowned, being pulled through the hallway. "What's wrong?" He frowned. Louis shook his head and huffed something in amusement, not meeting his eyes. Carter still had the half finished cube in his hand as Louis tugged him into his room let go of him.  
"Are you okay?" He frowned, taking note of the nervous atmosphere from him.  
"M'fine." Louis mumbled, closing the door. Carter tilted his brunette head to the side, watching Louis as he paused for a moment. Almost too quickly he flicked the light off and it was dim in the room suddenly. He blinked in the sudden low light, adjusting again as Louis turned on a lamp on the dresser. It made the room dark but warmly lit.  
"Are you going to sleep?" Carter asked and Louis looked at him for a moment as if amazed and then rolled his eyes, putting his hands behind him and pushing him to the bed.  
"No, I'm not going to sleep." He mumbled, as Carter sat onto the bed, still looking at him with mellow grey eyes. Louis knelt next to bed for a minute, pausing with a hand on the sheets.  
"You're acting weird." Carter smiled with one side of his mouth. Louis swallowed and crawled onto the mattress, sitting with him for a moment.  
"I know." Louis mumbled, and he took a deep breath. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Carter's mouth, soft and seemingly tentative. Carter's curious expression fell and he softly returned the kiss. He stopped wondering and let himself just think about the kiss. Louis kissed softly and slowly for a moment before he moved into his lap, his hands holding onto his shirt. Carter followed him, tilting his head back. Louis' hands shifted against his sides and he felt their unsureness.  
"Are you alright?" Carter mumbled, pulling back to see him.  
"I want to.. try something." He whispered in the quiet room and his eyes settled on his as if steeling himself.  
"Okay."  
Louis nodded and breathed out, seeming to meet his eyes easier now, less afraid.  
"It's.. it might seem weird at first... I'm a little nervous, so just.. if you need to say something, don't hesitate." Carter tilted his head one more time and suddenly the pieces of the puzzle clicked together and the realization trickled down from his head to his toes.  
"Oh." He whispered. Louis assessed him carefully.  
"Just.. tell me if you don't want to." Carter nodded, not thinking of any words as Louis seemingly resumed his thoughts. He pushed him back gently and Carter felt his back lay into the soft bed, head in the pillows. Louis didn't look so nervous as he leaned over him, sitting on his hips and pressing their lips together. Carter didn't think about anything that was _going_ to happen, his thoughts traced every move he made in the moment it happened, consumed by what he was doing now. He felt quiet as Louis kissed him, his mouth felt so soft. He kept his eyes closed and felt Louis' hands slowly move to the hem of his shirt. He let himself be led by him, feeling safe and guided as Louis pulled his shirt up to his arms and helped him get it off. He lay under him as Louis looked over him, his soft, raspy blue eyes distractedly looking at his body as he moved his hands so that they were on either side of him.  
His mouth lowered to his skin and kissed his ribs, his nose pressed against him and his breath against his skin. It was warm and Carter watched him, eyes soft and his hands at his side, the half finished cube still in his hand.  
Louis' hands pressed against either side of his stomach, running up over his ribs and his breath stuttered, bumps rising along his skin. The sudden contact of his hands as Louis kissed his collar bone made his eyes flutter closed. He opened them back quickly, wanting to see him so badly. He was beautiful even clothed, his body outlined against his t-shit and he wondered if he'd take off his clothes too. Louis kissed so softly and nipped at the skin around his collar, hands running up his chest.  
He lifted himself up and pulled off his shirt, right on top of him. Carter's eyes moved over him, his stomach felt hot in a way that seeped into him; he felt good as Louis did this right in front of him, only for him. For him to see, like a show of him choosing him and only him. He couldn't think much about it, only feel it as he looked over his body. Louis' shirt slid down his arm and onto the ground next to the bed as he paused, watching him as he looked. Louis' skin was soft and every shadow seemed to accentuate every curve, every dip, every rise. It was remarkable to Carter and it all happened in a few seconds, taking in the dip of his collar bone, the steady slope of his shoulders and how nicely they were shaped, the rise of his chest and his somehow perfect nipples, the curve of his ribs, the soft stretch of his stomach, the way the skin seemed to flow so smoothly. He lifted his hand and touched his fingers to the small, modest scar on his stomach, looking at it and the one at his shoulders. Louis lifted his hand to hold onto his, soft and delicately wrapping around his larger hand, fingertips pressing into his palm, their hands together against his stomach. Carter thought he may have stopped breathing for a moment, amazed. It wasn't like he hadn't seen Louis' body before, but he had never been presented to him like this. So open, so personal.  
No bruises.  
Louis let go of his hand and got between his legs, onto his knees and unbuttoned his jeans. Carter wasn't able to not watch, his stomach pitching at the sight of his hands undoing his pants. He pushed them off of his hips, and Carter was enraptured. The belt line lowered and exposed more and more, first letting go his hips, then the the soft curve of his thighs and it all just.. went together so perfectly. He pulled the pants off all the way and they fell the floor. Louis' legs straddled his waist again as he sat down on Carter's hips. He was still wearing his briefs and every part of it was perfect. Carter's hand lay instinctively against his thigh, feeling the way his legs slid against his body. There was a definition between the fabric of his underwear, and where his warm, smooth legs straddled him. He tried to subdue the sudden roll of heat between his legs as he felt the plump swell of his bum, sitting on his hips too close to his dick. It was a searing, deep heat that crawled into his blood and up his stomach. Louis lay down against him, and he exhaled as he felt their bodies press together, his warm chest, his nipples against him, his soft stomach, his thighs plump when stretched over his hips, the subtle swell in his underwear.  
Louis' elbows held him up as they kissed, Carter tracing his tongue with his. His free hand slid from his thigh and up to his body, his arm wrapping around him and holding him against him. His open palm felt his back and the softness in his waist and the flow of his spine. His other arm locked around him and he didn't even notice the grip he still had on the cube in his hand. Louis lifted himself up, one hand pulling Carter's arm away from him, letting him up. He pulled their tongues apart and pecked twice wetly before sitting up. Carter followed him before laying his head back against the pillows. Louis shuffled off of him and Carter stared at the growing outline in his underwear, before being effectively distracted. Louis' beautiful hands, even more so in this light, began to unbuckle the belt he was wearing, his eyes cast down, eyelashes dark over his cheeks. He looked amazing, unbuckling his belt and pulling his pants away. Carter watched as Louis' hips swayed and his body moved, shifting down his long legs and pulling them off. Every where the light glanced off of him was a new beautiful angle.  
Once the jeans were off Carter's heart was suddenly beating very hard in his chest, and he saw the way Louis' eyes looked at him in the same way that he had. He squeezed the cube and he suddenly realized there was nothing else to take off until they were naked. He felt a balance tugging in his lungs between nervousness and eagerness. He was nervous, this was the last part that neither of them had ever seen of each other, and eagerness. Excitement. He loved him and he wanted to be close to him, wanted to be so close.  
"I'm gonna do it first." Louis mumbled, his voice coming out in a squeak and breaking into a nervous laugh, surprising them both. Carter smiled and the anticipation fell from his eyes, breaking into soft love and innocence. They were both in this together.  
"This should't be that bad." Carter whispered and they both broke from the tension to recognize the nervousness. It was strange, to be nervous with each other was something they had barely experienced. Ever really. Every thing they'd ever done had come rather naturally, so on one hand they weren't afraid, but it was glazed with anticipation.  
"I'm just gonna do it, yeah?" Louis laughed, his cheeks red. Carter huffed once a laugh.  
"Or you could let me." Louis halted and swallowed, blinking.  
"I- yeah. You can." He nodded. Carter sat up and it brought them close and he felt chills encase him like claws, pulling in from the outer stretches of his skin into his core. He dropped the cube and it rolled against his hip. He closed his eyes and pressed his mouth against Louis' chest, his fingertips sliding against the waistband. Louis' breath was fanned down against his face and Carter kissed his chest once more, looking up at him. His fingers slipped inside the waist band and it felt like the crossing of a border never touched before. He pulled and felt his fingers slide down an unbroken stretch of skin from his defined but plushy hips down his thighs. He closed his eyes and helped Louis slide them all the way off his short legs, and he kept his eyes closed, nose and mouth pressed to his chest as he slowly let the clothing go and felt it drop from his hand to the floor. His eyes opened and he laid back down, letting his eyes travel down from Louis' face to his thighs, unbroken for the first time by any clothes.  
Louis' eyes were closed and his brow creased as he stayed still.  
"Nice." Carter breathed, not knowing how to express how much he liked it, but feeling the pressing need to express it to him. Louis' eyes fluttered open and flashed with amusement and it was suddenly not a naked body, it was his and he could see it connected to the person he'd fallen in love with  
"Nice. Wow." He laughed and Carter laughed too. Louis smiled and kissed his stomach with renewed enthusiasm. Louis' hair fell forward and he felt the peppered kisses lower until his lips touched the waistline of his underwear. He didn't feel nervous as Louis' finger tips slipped into it, the nervousness was gone now that Louis was naked and it wasn't bad at all. It was really nice, actually. So he just watched him as he pulled the last of his clothes off and slid them down, down, down.  
"Nice." Louis, whispered as he looked at him, flashing his striking eyes up at him. Carter laughed breathlessly, at him. He was sexy again, in a way that seemed so unique to him. His eyes and his clear, beautiful face. Carter was almost completely hard and he was getting even more so as he felt Louis' breath feather over the sensitive skin.  
"Can I?" He asked, looking up at him and making eye contact. It was hard to distinguish how he looked. The way he looked up at him from between his legs, mouth so close, clear blue eyes from under his eyelashes and thick black hair messily falling over his forehead. He was beautiful? Hot? Cute? Delicate? Strong? Tasteful? Sexy? Art? Adventure? Home? It was like a moving painting, and all of those feelings harmonized together in Carter's heart and he decided if they were so in tune with each other he didn't need to worry about which one he was feeling at once. They were all flowing like warm water in his heart, and truly to put it in one word, as he looked down at him, he felt love. He nodded, not taking his eyes from him.  
Louis' hands rested on his hips and his chest locked, forgetting how to breath as he felt the soft press of a kiss on the underside of his length. He started breathing again and he squeezed his hand around the half finished cube again, his hand making the plastic squeak as his other hand gripped the sheets. Louis kissed up and up until he got to his head, and he saw him close his eyes and his wet, pink tongue slid over him. He bit the inside of his cheek, feeling the blood pulsing hot and so, so sensitive.  
He closed his eyes as Louis' hand wrapped around him, warm and stretched around him. He felt him shifted where he was settled between his legs and he forced his eyes open to see his soft hips swaying as he got himself in a good position, hand pulling him closer to his mouth. He was so beautiful. His hip bones were defined softly against his stomach, the fat of his thighs and bum becoming extra plump as he sat on his feet. He kept his eyes open, almost equally pleasurable to watch him as it was to feel him.  
He opened his mouth and took him in, eyes closing as his mouth sealed around his girth, suckling slowly at first. As he adjusted, Carter gripped his hands tighter and his stomach muscles tightened, holding his breath to keep from moving, in love with the fragile way he adjusted. His hand gripped around the base of him and his mouth shifted, suckling slowly. He could feel every movement of his warm tongue, the feeling of his lips stretched around him, the silky, wet insides of his cheek, he could feel it all; Louis sucking soft at first and then harder as he got his barrings. His body felt hot. His muscles were twitching with the sensations, and his skin was absolutely hot, almost tingling, hypersensitive from his shoulders all the way down his legs.  
Louis' hand moved down as his mouth slid down him, taking in more. Carter exhaled and made a quiet groan, as Louis' lips slid down. He saw his warm, dark blue eyes blink open and look at his hand before closing again. He started sucking and moving his mouth up and down slowly as he began, and his hand left his shaft, reaching up to his. He felt the soft, gentle touch of his fingers on his own stone grip around the Rubik's cube, tugging gentle. He swallowed and tried to breath evenly, opening his hand as he requested. Louis reached into it, fingers grazing his palm as he took the square from his hand, softly laying it on the ground next to the bed. He didn't stop sucking as he reached back up and took an intimate hold on his hand, warm and achingly loving. He guided his hand from his side and to the back of his neck, into his dark hair. Carter stopped trying to breath as he gripped onto his hair, feeling his head moving up and down, his other hand finding Louis' hand and gripping it tightly. As he got a grip on his hair, Louis' hand let go of his and slid limply down his arm and back to his cock, working him.  
Carter grit his teeth as Louis' hand and his mouth worked together, sucking in strong pulls and then releasing. It was like dynamics in music, every pull had an answering release, every movement moved into the next, every rise had a fall. He was good at it, and Carter didn't have any room in his bursting heart to feel the hurt of knowing Louis had done this before, to people he didn't love and at an age younger than he'd ever wanted. So he didn't let himself feel any sadness, mending it with love as he watched Louis work him. He seemed to like it, his eyes sliding half way open and his breath hitching in reaction to Carter's hand at the back of his head. He blinked a few blown looks and closed his eyes, his expression evening out in pleasure as he squeezed with his hand and sucked harder. He seemed so naturally good at it, or maybe Carter had no one to compare to, but it was like Louis did what felt good to him and so it was natural and it felt good to him as well. When he opened his eyes they were glazed and consumed and almost blissful, seeming not to actually see.  
Carter moaned, some more breathy, some more resonate. If his eyes were open they were on Louis as he moved up and down his length, his brow creased as he panted, ribs expanding and closing, chest rising and falling. He sweat as he grunted another moan, his hand gripping almost too tightly into his hair. When he started feeling like he was going to finish, his legs stopped laying still around Louis and started shifting in the sheets, moving Louis' arms around. He didn't seem to even notice the restless shifting under his mouth until Carter threw his head back and groaned, pushing his hips up against the amazing warm heat. His body was tense and so his hand didn't let Louis pull away as he touched the back of his mouth, making him squeeze his eyes closed. He looked down at him, his hips still pressed up at him, his hand still tense and immediately loosened his grip, pulling his hips back down.  
Louis' mouth squeezed around him and his eyes closed tight, gagging a little before relaxing again. He didn't seem at all fazed, even though Carter felt himself go loose in fear of hurting him, reacting to it by sucking even harder.  
Carter squeezed his eyes shut, his hand gripping tightly into his hair and moaning before he opened his eyes again, coming before he could even think about stopping himself. The build and release was like nothing he'd felt before, not from his little problems he'd dealt with by thinking of him. Before it was like a hill, but the climax this time was like a mountain top, the fall equally as blissful as the climb. He pursed his lips, squeezing Louis' loose hand in his as he came in his mouth. Louis seemed to bring him to the top and then slow down, the stimulation in his mouth seeming to match up with the orgasm. He slowed down until he stopped completely, swallowing around him a few times and then pulling off of him. His cock slid out of his soaking mouth and he felt his hand fall away from his hair, sliding to his shoulder. He blinked a few times and swallowed a few more, his head nodding with his swallowing, eyes distant and soft.  
They were still for a moment as Carter panted, laying limply in his spot, his firm grip slowly going limp in his hand. Louis shook his head as if dazed and lifted a hand to wipe his mouth, eyes coming into focus on the come that he hadn't swallowed. Carter's breathing slowed and he took a deep inhale, letting it out and letting go of his hand.  
"Are you okay?" His voice breathless as he looked at Louis' blown eyes, the pupils wide.  
"'M-" He coughed, eyes coming into focus, looking... pleased. "I'm fine."  
"Are you hurt?" Louis smiled, his hands pressing into the sheets.  
"That was great. I'm great." His voice was raspy.  
Carter smiled, reassured and let his head fall into the pillows heavily. He felt Louis crawl up his body and lay down, next to him, his head on his chest.  
"What about you?" He lifted his head, sitting up to take in Louis' naked body nestled in the blankets.  
"Whatever you wanna do." Louis laughed breathlessly, his eyes starting to look a little more normal now.  
"Give me a minute." Carter giggled breathlessly, using his limp, weak muscles to push himself up. Louis' eyes followed him widely as he got up and shamelessly pushed between his legs.  
"I don't know how to do that, I'll try though." He breathed, his heart still coming down from the race it was in. Louis rolled his eyes and laughed.  
"You don't have to be good for it to feel good." He murmured encouragingly, his legs loosing up and spreading for him. It made Carter's stomach jump, and he stopped for a moment as he caught his breath, taking in the way he looked. He was had feminine features and somehow still made them masculine. He was truly breathtaking whatever he was, his stomach soft, his hips defined and his thighs curved. Carter leaned down and kissed his soft, warm tummy, wrapping his arms around his thighs for a moment before he leaned back and took his hips in his hands, squeezing once at the pliant flesh, feeling the strong bones under his thumbs.  
"Just start with you're hand, if you want." Louis murmured, his voice still wrecked. So he did, taking him in his grip and doing what he knew how to do, this part wasn't so hard. Louis squeezed his eyes shut, his straight, dark brows pulling together and tensing at the contact.  
"Little more." He whispered, eyes opening to watch him. Carter gave him more and took as many cues as he could, his own muscles still outrageously tired. When Louis started squirming and his hands gripped the sheets, he panted roughly. Carter put his mouth on him, sucking and wondering at the strange, new feeling. It did feel good, he realized. He didn't know what he expected, but it was strangely pleasing. He now understood the look in his eyes when he had pulled off. He sucked and did whatever felt natural, taking cues from Louis as he squeezed his hand and pulled his nails across his shoulders, or softened his grasp. It wasn't the taste that was so amazing, it was the feeling of him in his mouth and knowing who he was.  
He went on for a while until Louis bucked and practically squealed, his voice raspy and breaking in pitches as he squeezed his thighs around Carter's shoulders.  
"Mm-." He mumbled, his hand pushing against his shoulder, pushing him off. Carter pulled back as he was asked and watched with blown eyes as Louis panted, grabbing his hand and squeezing it around his cock. Carter pulled him off, working him until Louis sucked him a breath and stuttered out one more groan, coming in his hand.  
He lay there for a moment, calming down. When he was able to smile like a child at Carter he spoke.  
"Was I supposed to stop you before I came?" He asked, giving him a concerned, learning look. Louis breathlessly huffed.  
"No, no. I didn't know if you wanted that or not." He breathed. Carter felt relieved, looking down at the mess on his stomach. He felt it was unfair, and wanted to show how much he loved him so after a moment he leaned down and licked his stomach. He felt Louis suck in a shocked breath, being still under him as he licked up the milky substance from his stomach, being thorough. It didn't taste great, but the feeling made up for it so that it didn't matter. It was all strange to him, how it didn't taste good and yet it felt amazing to clean it off of him, lovingly licking it up and swallowing it.  
Once it started tasting like skin, he lifted up to look at his wet stomach, seeing it clear. He swallowed again and looked up at his eyes, seeing them wide and deep.  
"Is that okay?" He asked. Louis nodded.  
"Yeah." He whispered. And so Carter sighed content, putting his hands on either side of him and leaning over to kiss him. Louis' brow pulled together as he wrapped his arms around his neck, kissing deeply, and holding on tightly. Carter didn't feel the surge of emotions that Louis did, just soft happiness as he lay down next to him, Louis' arms still around him. He pulled the blankets up around Louis, feeling his cool skin now that their hearts had slowed down. Louis didn't let go of him, shifting his arms around his ribs and squeezing his body as close as he could. He felt his legs squeeze around one of his, as if he wanted to wrap around him. Carter lay exhausted, his arm around him and one laying against the one Louis had across his ribs.  
"Thanks." Louis mumbled, and Carter looked at him in the warm, dark light, he squeezed his eyes closed and pressed his face against his chest. Carter's heart softened, at the emotion filled expression he wore, like his love was too much. He thought about how Louis had looked so numb and distant when his friends spoke of the other people he had done this with. He hoped Louis felt safe, and like he was the one who should be being thanked.  
"Thank you too, Lou. You're so... perfect." He huffed ineloquently, rubbing his thumb over his arm. "I love you so much." He whispered.  
Louis' whole body pressed against him and the blankets pulled up close to his shoulders, the room almost dark, the bed so warm, he felt real. He had seen people in movies have sex and then whisper that they loved each other before, had seen the way they wouldn't go to sleep without saying they loved each other. He had always not understood it, thinking they didn't really feel that way. He always felt like they were saying those things because they were happy and they had just done something that felt good, not because they felt such intense love. It felt like it wasn't real to him, he never connected with them, seeing through it. All the books he had read in which people did illogical things of love, and he had never associated anything to. It was different with him. Even what they had just done, he thought would be about how good it would feel but it wasn't, it was about _him._ Now, laying here with him, it felt like he couldn't go another second without telling him he loved him, couldn't go to sleep without saying it. It had seemed see through in the stories, and as he held him it felt real. It was a real feeling in his chest, his lungs, his blood, his legs, everywhere, it was a warm, infinite feeling. It made him feel real. He felt like he existed.  
"I love you too, Carter." Louis whispered, and he looked peaceful again.  
Not for the first time and not for the last, Carter fell asleep breathing in Louis' breath.


	34. Chapter 34

"Are you scared?" Louis asked, bright smile on his face. Carter tipped his head back and his eyes traveled up to the stories high Ferris wheel. About an hour away from home, as the sun went down Carter followed Louis around a fair, bright lights and loud noises everywhere.  
"No... not yet." He breathed. Louis took his hand and pulled them forward to the brightly colored basket. It was warm as ever and the sun was out. It wasn't visible anymore, it's rays leaking the last of it's energy across the grounds. There was no real light left, only the unique illumination of the dusk. Louis looked so beautiful right now. He was bright and happy, his face dark and warm and familiar, the lighting ever changing as they passed colorful carnival lights after colorful carnival lights.  
The operator closed the gate and Louis sat in the seat with Carter, sides pressed together out of habit. Louis picked up the stuffed animal in Carter's lap, they had won it together at a water gun stand. Louis held his hands over Carter's eyes as the targets moved evasively in front of them, calling out when to pull the trigger. Their friends had watched amused until Carter had hit a target on Louis's call, calling out cheers. Carter had listened as the cheers grew until they were crowding close to them, watching the team hit the targets. As their friends called louder and louder, Carter's focus was only drawn even more into Louis' voice, close to his ear and calm, drowning out the white noise. They won a grey whale as big as his torso.  
Louis squeezed it and he watched smiling until the basket shifted around them, pulling forward. Carter watched him as his eyes brightened and he looked around excitedly, the whale still in his grasp. The basket rose and rose and he felt his stomach jump at the height, the ground moving farther away steadily. Louis' eyes were wide as he leaned over the side of the basket, looking at the ground. Eventually they were at the very top, the basket high above the ground. Carter looked out over the ground. He could see everything, it seemed. The fair below them, lights twinkling and blinking. People were tiny below them, their sounds were distant and quiet. It wasn't loud so far up in the sky, everything from the earth was distant. The only sound to be heard was the wind as it embraced them, weaving through their hair. Beyond the fair was woodland, a few roads peaking out of the trees. Beyond the trees was the very last glimpse of the sun to behold, the ball of light seeming like it was made of fire and water at the same time. It was half disappeared behind the cusp of the earth, calling it's last casts of light. The sky was a vast gradient that seemed to go on forever, Carter wondered how it could make him feel this way. It was infinite, the sky, to look up into it was to look into the universe it seemed, so high up here. The light of the sun flowed across the sky, darkening and blending slowly into the deep darkness. The ground was red and orange with the last of it's light.  
Louis' mouth was slightly open as he leaned over the side, the wind ever so gracefully pulling at his hair, the length feathering across his forehead. The real beauty was what the light of the dying sun did to his face. It was warm. It wasn't really a color that he knew how to define. It was all the colors of the sunset, blended and effervescent. He watched, seeing the color of the world reflecting in his opulent eyes. The youth in his soul seemed to show on his face, even though Carter could see the age that he had felt at times.  
Louis looked away from the dying sun, his brilliant eyes casting their gaze on him. Carter met them, seeing him smile. Louis pulled him closer so that he was in his spot next to the rail of the basket and sat across his lap, his arm around his shoulders.  
"Have you ever been on a Ferris wheel?" He murmured, the whale on the seat beside them as Louis' hand rested on his chest.  
"No." Carter answered, his arms around him, watched the sun burn out on the ridge.  
"Neither have I." Louis murmured. And the basket stayed still for minutes as they sat at the top. Louis lay his head against his shoulder, his eyes half lidded as Carter breathed against him.  
"Beautiful." Carter mumbled, his chest rumbling against his ear.  
"Beautiful." Louis whispered, lifting his head and holding onto his shirt, pressing his forehead against his temple. "Could stay up here forever." He huffed, smiling. Carter smiled as well, looking up at the darkening sky as the first of a million stars burned through the dark, the sun slowly losing it's reign.  
Carter kissed the corner of his mouth, making him smile. Louis' eyes closed, his eyelashes laying over his cheekbones, the warm color began to fall asleep against his face to be replaced with cool darkening light. He let him kiss the corner of his mouth for a few moments before turning into it, breathing to his mouth, feeling the warm softness of a kiss. Carter's arms tightened around him mindlessly. He felt Louis' other arm go around his shoulders so that he was wrapped around him closely.  
There were times in his world where no one but Louis existed. All of the sounds below them silenced. Times when everyone fell away, all the faces, the names. Mother, Jason, Alexia, Father, friends, strangers at school, the faces below them, the faces in all the movies, the familiar cast at the picture show. Times when he forgot everyone, for a few moments he completely forgot any one existed outside of him. Louis. For a long time, he had disappeared too, forgetting that he was alive, forgetting in the wake of Louis' brilliance that he was with him too. But now, with Louis' attention on him, he forgot everyone again except for himself. He knew that he was existent. That he was real, that he was alive, that he felt a love in him. And that he was in harmony with Louis, that Louis was with him and he was with Louis. That he was coexistent with him. It made him more in love than he thought he could ever be, no one but him and Louis even alive.

-

The night was illuminated by a bright stage as Carter stood behind Louis about two hours from home, a few of Louis' friends standing next to him.  
When Louis had told him Oasis was coming to their state to play a concert, Carter had of course come with him. The two hour car ride was courtesy of his friends, divided between two cars. On the road, Carter and Louis were in the backseat of one car as the other followed them. On arrival the festival was huge, more people in one place that Carter was used to seeing for sure. He followed Louis around the whole day until he had decided to go to the stage Oasis would play at. Louis had explained that if they got there before the actual band played they could be closer. Carter had held on tightly and blushed as Louis had pulled them closer and closer to the front, squeezing through sweaty people. Louis was shameless and by the time the sun had gone down they were against the railing.  
Carter leaned his arms against the railing, Louis pressed between him and the barrier. For a while Louis turned around him his arms, leaning against the railing and laying his arms on his, hands wrapped around him. Carter smiled as they spoke over the noise, swaying to whatever music was playing whenever it was. No one seemed to bother them when Louis pecked him with kisses and hugged him, being generally touchy. It was a change here, it seemed. At home they got a few looks in school every once in a while, but here no one minded at all. Louis never seemed to think twice, and so Carter hardly spared a thought for it anyways.  
The crowd around them grew and grew until he heard their mass behind them in full. It was when Oasis came out on stage that the crowd screamed and it was deafening. Carter looked behind him and saw the sea of people in the light of the stage, faces turned toward the front.  
Carter kept his arms braced around Louis and the band played their music. Carter kept a smile on the whole time as Louis sang along to the lyrics, the sound of the stage as loud as the crowd. They played everything that they had been listening for years.  
When they played Don't Go Away, Louis pulled Carter's arms around his waste and held onto his arms. Carter felt their bodies pressed closely together as Louis lay his head back on his shoulder and Carter held him warm against him. Louis sang and never stopped smiling, tipping his head to to the side and kissing his cheek. Carter met his lips and kissed him shamelessly, fully, their eyes closed in happiness. The lights were sharp and beautiful as they washed over the thousands of people around them, Louis' face illuminated and beautiful, so close to the grand stage before them. He held him closely all night, kissing him occasionally and singing along simply because he wanted to sing with him while they were here.  
They played Champagne Supernova, and Wonderwall, and the last song was Don't Look Back In Anger, all of which were released in the year he had met Louis. At the end, Louis held his arms tightly, listening as their favorite song played live. He didn't sing, just watched and listened as the enormous crowd called the lyrics, a choir of a thousand. Louis just smiled without singing a word and kissed him during one line.  
"Take me to the place where you go, where no body knows if it's not our day." The crowd sang.

-

The summer was the paragon of all that it should have been.  
Carter blinked open his eyes, the morning sun muted through the window shades of his bedroom. He shifted and felt the presence of Louis beside him. He turned his head to the side seeing him laying on his stomach next to him, soft length of his body pressed against his side. The dim sunlight lay across his naked back, smooth and languid, healthily defined shoulder blades and a dip where his spine flowed down the center of his body. His dark hair was messy and splayed out, his arms disappearing under a pillow to cross under his head. His eyes were closed and his ribs expanded and collapse peacefully.  
The night before Lauren was taking a late shift at work and Carter told Louis, asking him to spend the night with him. It was the first night that he had slept with him in his own room, most of the time they did it in Louis' room, where they were usually alone. Louis had been absolutely ecstatic, laying in his bed and letting him do most of the work, seeming to be specifically happy to be having sex with him in the room they spent their whole friendship in.  
Now as Carter sat up and the blanket fell to his lap, he stretched his sore muscles, getting up and pulling on some underwear. When he sat back into the bed he lay a hand against the sleep warm skin of his lower back, petting over him for a few sleepy moments until he began to stir. He exhaled deeply and rolled onto his back, blinking his soft atlantic eyes at him, stretching and smiling when Carter rubbed his stomach. He leaned onto his elbow beside him and kissed him, running his hand over his naked hip, squeezing it once.  
"'Morning." Louis breathed out, his legs shifting as he woke up.  
"Good morning." Carter murmured, leaning back and running the tips of his fingers slowly up Louis' body, the soft stomach, between his ribs, over his chest, then down again, eyes quiet.  
"You're beautiful." Louis whispered, "You know.." He lifted a hand to take his, twined together just below his ribs. Carter had never thought about the way he looked, not really. But he smiled anyways.  
"Thank you..." Louis' eyes turned to their hands.  
"I mean it. You really are." Carter was quiet, "Your eyes are my favorite."  
"They're grey." Carter murmured. Louis' striking eyes graced his, looking up at him happily.  
"I know."  
After a while Louis sighed deeply, sitting up. The blanket slid down his body, revealing his bum and thighs. He slid over him and out of the bed, picking up clothing off the floor, pulling on his briefs, then Carter's pajamas. He slid back into the bed, sitting up next to him. He was shirtless and Carter still had to look at him, the way everything went together so well. He sat up next to him.  
"You want to do something today?" He asked. Louis was quiet for a moment before shaking his head.  
"I want to stay in. You'll be going in a few days." He mumbled. "I'd rather just stay here and watch movies or something."  
Silence reigned for a moment as they accept the coming separation. No more playing in flooded fields, no more riding in the trunks of cars together, no more warm nights outside, no more fires, no more unrestricted nights in bed. It was basically the mark of summer's end.  
"I'll be back in August." He murmured.  
"I know." Louis mumbled, kissing his shoulder once. "It's alright, just sucks."  
"I want you to come with me.. so bad." A crease formed in his brow. Louis gave him a reassuring smile.  
"It's alright... I'll be right here when you get back."  
"When we graduate, maybe I'll ask my dad if he can fly you out."  
"I'd much rather get a job and save up." Louis shook his head, huffing a laugh.  
"I wish you could just come now." Carter murmured, frowning. Before, he had almost been afraid to leave, afraid to leave Louis alone with his deep sadness. Now he wanted even more for him to come, attached to him and eager to share the last part of his life with him. He wanted to show Louis all of the places he liked, for him to see where he had been going every summer.  
"Eventually." He murmured. Louis nodded to reassure him.  
"Eventually."  
Unfortunately, he decided, he'd have to wait.


	35. Chapter 35

The month apart was spent on the phone, more or less.  
The conversations ranged, from cooing murmurs of love, Louis preening audibly through the phone when Carter spoke to him in whatever European languages he'd picked up, to lengthy silences with little to say but the need to be in the third space the phone provided. One night, fallen asleep on the phone they'd been chastised thoroughly for running up the price of long distance calls. When Louis was feeling down he was quickly mended through the phone. Carter's father didn't ask why he felt the need to stay so attached to a friend, but it wasn't hard to make assumptions. None of which Carter recognized, not easily attuned to the world around him if it didn't involve Louis.  
One the day of his return Carter stepped off the plane into the airport, feeling less fuzzy knowing he was getting closer to the glass piece that brought his world into focus. His heart had definitely stuttered when he found Louis running down the corridor, slamming into his chest and making him drop the bags. Carter let them fall and squeezed him in the middle of the airport, bodies clutched to each other. Carter had to lean down a little bit for Louis to keep his strong arms wrapped around his neck, and as he released him, Louis pressed a chaste kiss to the corner of Carter's mouth as his hand trailed down his neck and fell away. Lauren sighed as she was finally noticed and he hugged her too.  
School started when the weather began to chill and though the furious, adolescent fever of the summer was gone, he enjoyed a dream like senior year. School was spent in less company of Louis' friends, preferring to spend free moments together alone. Carter spent many wordless hours, his head in Louis' lap as he read a book for class, or worked on homework.  
His favorite use of time was listening to Louis play. He had progressed in remarkable ways, noticeably improved from when he was a freshman. He played like it was his second nature, the keys looked like they were missing something when his hands were away from them, more natural when he graced them with his touch. In the earlier school years, Louis had been distracted with his plight, spending less time practicing, but later on he was able to focus. He didn't hurt so much and he played almost constantly when he was able to. Carter spent many study hours, his back against the piano as it vibrated through him, listening to him practice as he studied. He was endlessly enamored with his music. When the music blurred into the background eventually he finished and his thoughts would return to the song, able to recognize progress that he'd made in just thirty minutes, playing things seamlessly that had come piece by piece before. It gave Carter a new strange affinity to classical music. An attraction to the near silent notes, the way they drew for him to listen to them, and the crescendos, how they soared into the air demanding to be heard.  
For the rest of his life Carter would be able to recognize Chopin, Beethoven, Mozart, Debussy, never able to hear them differently than the way Louis played them.  
The snow eventually fell over their town and the winter of his senior year was a crystalline haze of sensations. The striking purity of snow and the effect it had on Louis' pacific eyes, how the snow peppered his dark hair. The cold air was in such inviting contrast with Louis' lips, his breath, the skin beneath his coat. Often he was outside with him, other times he was inside warm rooms, comfortable clothes. Many warm weekends were spent in the basement as snow fell against the window sill and he lay under blankets on the couch with him, movies playing on the TV.  
Sex was never less than excellent, even when they woke sleepy and needy, limp limbs and slow movements and deep sighs. Their eyes closed as the slowly got each other off, drifting back into sleep. They were able to laugh, teasing each other. Once the desire had led to touches in the corners of dark practice rooms, breath fast as they breathed into each other's mouths, hearts racing excitedly when they heard students in the hallways, careless and young.  
It was around the middle of the year when things changed and Carter didn't notice their relevance.  
It started with a letter from a college, then another. Carter had never once thought of college, didn't really think ahead at all, really. Louis however had seemed to give more attention to these letters than even he did. His brow pulling in one day as he stood at Lauren's kitchen table, his fingers tracing the two college letters on the table, addressed to Carter Rose. Lauren had chimed proudly about her son, the recognition he was receiving. Louis had distractedly agreed.  
Later, on the curb of the furniture store after school, Louis' breath came out in a cloud from his mouth. He was an elegant phoenix, pure, white fire from his lungs, and that was what Carter was thinking as he waited with him, legs stretched in front of him.  
"Have you looked at those letters?" Louis asked out of the silence, glancing away from the road.  
"No, I haven't." He didn't speak for a few moments. "Why do you ask?"  
"It's just.. I don't know. They're because of your SAT scores, you know. Undergraduate programs are looking for people who scored high on it, and you did."  
"Yeah?" Carter asked, following along as he always did, interested in anything he wanted to say.  
"Well.. there's going to be more. High school isn't going to last for very much longer." He murmured quietly, his brow together.  
"It's gonna be weird... not sitting outside this store." Carter smiled, taking in the sight of him, sitting next to him on the curb of the furniture store. He'd met him here, kissed him here.  
"Yeah." Louis mumbled.

-

"Ready to go?" Louis asked, the warm, soft, familiar smile on his face. He approached Carter in front of the doors of the high school. Carter smiled softly to see him, having patiently waited for him. Louis pecked his shoulder, hugging him chastely before releasing him, the halls of the school almost empty.  
"I have to go to the office, before we go." He lifted a pink slip of paper, his name and his councilor's name on it. Louis gave a surprised look.  
"Did you get in trouble?" He chuckled.  
"No, I don't know what it is. You can go if you want to, I don't care."  
"I don't have anything to do." Louis rolled his eyes, following him to the office. Inside, Carter gave him the pink slip and Louis communicated with the front desk and navigated down a narrow, wood paneled hall, to a councilor's small office. It was stuffy inside, seeming too small for three people.  
"Are you Carter?" A woman asked, pushing her glasses up on her nose.  
"Yes." She immediately gave him a pleasant smile as Louis sat down on a small couch. Carter remained standing in front of her desk.  
"Hi, Carter, my name is Miss Jenner." She greeted. He nodded, remembering most people didn't communicate so easily with him the way Louis did.  
"I wanted to talk with you about your grades, have you been paying attention to them?" He frowned. No, he hadn't, but he knew teachers commonly expected them to. He opened his mouth, shrugging and closing it.  
"Alright, well, fortunately for you, you've been doing pretty well in your classes. You're making rather high grades, did you know that?" He shook his head.  
"When you got into high school, you were put into advanced classes which you've been doing very well in. You also scored high on your SAT, so I'm assuming you've been getting some college letters, those are things they're looking for."  
"Yes."  
"Well, I'm your councilor and it's about time people start looking at their class rank, you're second in your class, did you know that?" She asked. Carter was surprised, second? How? He just did his homework, that's all.  
"Uh, no..." She smiled.  
"Well, it's about time to tell the graduates who are going to be giving speeches so they can start on that." He blinked.  
"A speech?"  
"Yes." She chuckled. "You're the salutatorian of your class. You're giving a speech at graduation this year."  
She spoke for a few more minutes, lecturing him on colleges and how to choose, what his options were. When he walked outside, Louis followed him wordlessly. Lauren had driven to the school in their absence, idling in front of the doors. She greeted them, commenting on their silence. It wasn't unusual for Carter, he was normally quiet unless speaking with Louis. Louis was the difference today.  
When they got out of the car, Carter stopped him on the porch, letting his mother go inside. Once they were alone Louis looked down.  
"Are you alright?" Carter asked.  
"I'm fine." He frowned.  
"You haven't spoken since we left the school." Louis shifted.  
"I'm just... shocked a little. You're.. second in the class." He murmured. "It's a good thing." He amended, looking at his feet. Carter frowned.  
"It doesn't matter... It's just a grade."  
"It means you're going to get into a lot of colleges." He spoke quietly, looking up at him. Carter shrugged.  
"I don't even know if I'm going to college. I'll do whatever is.. convenient." Louis' eyes changed at that and he knew he wasn't attracted to what he'd said.  
"You need to go to college. You're _smart._ You can't not go."  
"Well... I want to go with you." Louis looked away, quiet for a few moments.  
"Let's just go inside."  
And so he did, not bringing up the subject again. He decided he'd go where he did, and that if Louis was insistent on his education, than he wouldn't have to worry about where it was.

-

Louis opened the oven and put a frozen pizza in, shutting it and starting to throw away the box. It had been about a month since he'd discovered he was to give a speech at graduation, the topic lay undisturbed and forgotten. After school Jason drove them to his apartment on Friday so Carter could spend the night with Louis. They were happy, making plans to watch movies and make cookies.  
Carter set his backpack on the table, sitting down and unzipping it as Louis made something to drink. He wasn't paying attention to him as he pulled out about ten blank papers, shuffling them into a pile. When he zipped his bag back up and stood, picking up the papers Louis looked curiously at the papers.  
"What's that?" He asked, a glass in his nimble fingers.  
"Some class work papers." Carter answered easily, testing the weight of the newly light backpack, empty of the things. Without even blinking he opened the lid to the trashcan near the refrigerator, tossing them in. Louis' brow raised.  
"What was that?" He huffed in amusement.  
"Their making my bag heavier." Carter answered, going to stand next to him at the counter, smiling softly. "Wanna take a nap? I'm kind of tired, stayed up too late last night." Louis' brow creased at him and he set the glass down on the counter, walking to the trash can. He opened the lid and looked at it for a moment, reaching in and picking up one of the papers.  
"It's blank." He mumbled, looking back at the pile in the trashcan. Carter tilted his head, Louis normally didn't look at his homework. He picked up two more, flipping both over, seeing unanswered calculus and physics equations. His brow evened out and his eyes shifted back to the pile.  
"Are they all blank?"  
"Yeah, I didn't do them."  
"Why?" Louis looked up at him, eyes stormy and displeased.  
"It'll lower my grade." He shrugged. "I have to drop a few assignments to make a difference." Louis' jaw twitched.  
"Lower your grade? Why?"  
"I don't want to be second... I'm trying to at least make it to third."  
"You're _dropping_ assignments so your grade will lower?"  
"Yes.." He frowned, aware of Louis' tension.  
"What the hell are you doing that for? Why-?"  
"I just didn't want to be salutatorian... It's no difference if my grade is lower."  
"It- There is a difference! Is this because of the college letters? You- high school isn't the end of school, you need these grades." He was still gripping the blank paper, eyes cold like the arctic ocean and conflicted like the Indian monsoons.  
"I don't want to give a speech." Carter tried to amend his displeasure. The oven beeped and Louis grit his teeth.  
"That doesn't mean you should start failing your classes! You can't stop at the last minute, it's going to lower your GPA." Carter felt his head cloud with a dark feeling. Louis was never really angry with him.  
"I'm not failing them, I'm just lowering their grades. It's not a big deal."  
"You have to take this seriously."  
"I am, I promise. Just because I'm not the second in class doesn't mean I'm in bad shape, I'm not going to fail."  
"If you don't want to talk in front of people, ask the councilor to help you. Get help from a student, you don't have to start hurting your grade!"  
"I don't want to be second in the class, I'm fine with third." Carter mumbled. Louis seemed more agitated every time he tried to defend himself. He didn't seem to like the carelessness with which Carter handled his education. Before he could say anything else, Jason appeared.  
"Everything alright?" He addressed them both calmingly, eyes gauging Louis.  
"It's fine." Louis muttered, shoulders loosening as he opened the oven and pulled out the food, almost too dark around the edges.  
Once Jason had left, Carter still felt the unease at Louis' distance.  
"I'm sorry, it's not the letters, I just don't want to be second." He murmured quietly.  
"It's fine." Louis muttered, reaching and taking his hand, squeezing it as they stilled for a moment. His eyes showed worry.  
It was the last time Carter threw away papers in front of him, making sure to do it in private. When his rank dipped into third, he did a few papers around Louis, in hopes that he would mend the confusing fear in him.


	36. Chapter 36

Maybe there were a few things that made things change. The end of high school can do that to some people. The end of what you knew so far. And you're not coming back next year, you have to figure things out for yourself. Carter didn't think about any of these things, and that may have made things worse for Louis, who thought about everything more than he wanted to.  
The first cold feeling in Carter's stomach, he felt as he lay awake next to Louis. It was Almost one in the morning, school the next morning. School was beginning to wind down. People were making plans. Even Carter felt the strange feeling as he walked down the hallways of the school everyday. One day they would leave those halls and would never see them again. Never see their adolescence again.  
They hadn't spoken about anything to do with the future since they fought in the kitchen. Carter knew something wasn't right with Louis, but he felt the distance for the first time as he lay in his bed at home, Louis next to him. They were naked, loose from sex. It was different this time than it had been before, and Carter could feel it. He had been kissing like the wolves again. He hadn't done that in a long time.  
Louis lay next to him, his expression unreadable, looking at the ceiling. Carter watched him, his mind realizing bluntly that something wasn't normal. Louis didn't move, just breathed, his eyes staring up with no kind of expression. He watched him for a while, silent.  
"What are you thinking about?" Carter murmured, his voice alone in the room. Louis didn't speak for a moment.  
"Just this place." He replied.  
"This town?"  
"Yeah." He murmured. "...We grew up here. My whole life has been here."  
"My life has been here, too." Louis looked to him.  
"You've been gone in the summers."  
"Yes." He paused. "But my life has been here. Because you've been here." Louis' brow pulled together and he looked away.  
"This town has everywhere we've ever been in it." He mumbled.  
"Yes... Why."  
"Just can't imagine life... after this place."  
"Why are you saying that?"  
"Just... can't stay here forever." Carter felt his thoughts slow down.  
"We could."  
Louis didn't respond for a long time, then shook his head, speaking to the ceiling.  
"I could."

-

When Louis and Carter got home after school one day, Lauren was on the phone. When she got off she told them it was Carter's father and she showed them a letter. It was from an Italian university.  
"It's from David, he said there's a school you can go to there. I don't think he expects you to, so don't worry." She amended.  
It was later, when Louis and Carter were alone in the kitchen that Carter put the letter in a stack of papers on the counter.  
"You're not going to look at it?" Louis asked. His eyes were blank of any read at all, leaning against the counter, he met Carter's eyes as he responded.  
"No." He shrugged, he hadn't been looking at the others either. "I'm certainly not going to that one. I'd have to live with dad."  
Louis looked at the maroon letter in the stack, not responding.

-

A month later and prom night was on them. Louis took his hand, sitting on the beach.   
That night Louis and Carter asked Lauren if they could take the car and go to the beach, instead of prom. Carter was never one to think twice about what Louis wanted, of course, and neither of them cared about the school hosted dance most of their friends were going to.  
The journey was a quiet drive as the sun went down on the deep east coastline, driving along the cliff sides to the beach. Louis held Carter's hand as they drove, hands latched between them, eyes watching the world run past them. It was beautiful, the way the sun went down behind the clouds so that the grand escape was muffled into a soft exit, sky darkening and the sea visible in short breaks.  
They were alone as they sat on the hood of the car, a blanket lay under them. Louis leaned into Carter's side, warm and real, and there. Carters cheek lay in his hair, his hand warm in his, bodies pressed together.  
"You've been different lately." Carter mumbled to him, pulling the blanket up so it wrapped around their shoulders. The strong updraft from the ocean embracing them, cool and laced with salt and the scent of the water.  
"I'm... I don't know. High school is ending." He was quiet. Carter felt a strange sadness in his heart. He had known school would be over all year. For the first half of senior year he had been happy, in love with the idea of being with Louis and of experiencing graduation with him. When he looked ahead he saw himself entering a new piece of life, Louis next to him, and the fun they would have figuring it out. The way Louis spoke made him feel a strange mellow sadness in his stomach. It brought the feeling of four years spent in this town, four years of living out his childhood with Louis. They weren't children anymore, but that hadn't made him feel bad before.  
"It's.. okay. For it to end." He tried. Louis' warm body stayed against him, quiet. The sun was gone and the air was soft lit by the moon over the ocean, casting it's light against the water. Carter thought there must be a relationship between the moon and the sun, a universal link, unending, undisputed. The moon's cool light followed and preceded the sun's brilliant life, they were one in the same, and yet two different individuals, following each other and leading each other forever in the same track.  
"I love you." Louis murmured. "So much I don't even understand it. It's been... so much. I don't know why, I do. It's amazed me."  
"I love you, too... I hope you're okay." He mumbled. Louis pressed his head against his shoulder and his face against his chest. He didn't talk for a while, putting it behind him  
"This is the best prom I could have wanted." Louis squeezed his hand. Carter smiled, glad he didn't seem so contemplative anymore.  
"Happy prom night, Louis." He whispered, nuzzling nose into his hair before kissing him.  
The waves pushed against the shore, so endless. They were unbroken in any way, by anything. A part of the ocean, the very ends of the depths, kissing the earth. They washed against the sand forever, the moon shining it's love upon the water.  
If the moon and the sun were so endlessly fated together, it must be hard to give their light to the earth and not each other. He supposed that they must shine all day, all night, and at the twilight, they must reach across the earth for each other. The infinite love reaching and caressing each other as they were pulled apart. There was no desperate fear of being torn apart for them. They just loved each other across the cusp of the earth, they didn't think at all about the fact that in minutes they would be without the touch of the other's light. They were in bliss for those frozen moments in time, in love as they embraced each other, infinite in the light of the being they loved enough to spend eternity waiting for dawn, and waiting for dusk.

-

Graduation night, Louis had sex with him and didn't speak a word until they were falling asleep. He told him he'd love him forever.


	37. Chapter 37

School had been over for a few weeks, and Carter had a flight to his father's house in three days which he wouldn't be taking. Louis had been almost silent for days. When he was driving in the car with him one night after the picture show, Louis had wiped away tears and Carter had stopped the car, asked him what was wrong.  
Things were strange and when Louis drove to his house that day, he stood in the kitchen, keys in hand for a moment, eyes deep. Lauren had greeted him from the kitchen table before Carter found him.  
"Hey." He greeted, his brow pulling in. Louis looked different, standing in the room, his hands against his jeans, waiting.  
"Hi." He mumbled, shifting. "I need to talk to you." He was quiet. Carter frowned, feeling his air. He'd always remember walking down the hallway to his room, the wood paneled walls and narrow carpet closing them in. He had walked behind Louis, seeing the set of his walk, how he was different. He was still beautiful, his shoulder's so beautiful and his hand closed around the keys in his hand as they walked without looking at each other down the hallway. Louis closed the door behind him, his hand pausing on the handle for a few moments before he faced him. He took a deep breath, quiet for a moment before he looked at his eyes. They were blue and there was something bracing and unhappy in them.  
"You're father's flight is coming in a few days."  
"Yes..." Carter mumbled, swallowing. His stomach felt still and wrong. "I'm not going, though." Louis met his eyes across the feet between them, their beauty was striking and his dark brow was set in a look that he wasn't comfortable with.  
"You have to go to school." He spoke, clear and foreign into the unset air. Carter was quiet for a moment.  
"We haven't found one, yet... I know you want me to, I will." The air felt strange as Louis held his gaze.  
"I don't think I'm going to a school, Carter. I don't have the money for that, and I know if you wait for me, you're going to be... wasting your education. You need to go to a real school, you know that."  
"I.. I don't want to go to school without you." He mumbled, the simple innocence so clear.  
"But you have to go to one. You can't not go to school." He spoke quietly.  
"I don't see what you want. We'll just have to wait until we find something we can go to."  
"Look, I'm- When Jason moved here it was to stay until the end of high school."  
"I didn't know that." Carter spoke steadily, but the effect of the strange feeling was there.  
"He's leaving in a few weeks." Carter frowned.  
"Why didn't you tell me?" Louis looked down at his feet, his face hard.  
"I need you to go to school, Carter. You have to take that flight." His voice seemed to crawl into Carter's mouth and into his stomach.  
"I'm already not going." He spoke as if it was a misunderstanding and he just had to clear it up that he wasn't going so Louis' request was irrelevant. Louis seemed like he wasn't in the same understanding as him.  
"I am." His voice was quiet and it cut into him with a soft incision, sinking fast.  
"What... I don't understand." He swallowed.  
"That school your dad has wants you to go there. You have to go to the flight when it comes, that way you can go to school. You won't drop out and you'll get a degree." Louis' voice was like a foreign feeling, sinking in and dripping down his spine.  
"But I'm not going to that school, it's too far away." Carter spoke again, shut down, as if trying to pretend he didn't understand what was being said. Louis' eyes wavered.  
"I'm going with Jason, Carter. You have to go to that school." Carter's expression must have looked like ice. They were silent for a few moments.  
"I don't understand." He was frozen.  
"I need you to take that flight, and I'm going to go with Jason."  
"No. I'm not going to that school." He repeated it again, saying it like he would tell someone when asked a neutral question about his future.  
"You have to. I'm leaving." Louis' voice shook, his expression weak.  
"No. No." He felt his hands shake, his brain trying to understand. "You can't leave. You can't leave, I'm going to be here."  
"You gotta go with him." Louis whispered.  
" _I'm not going to Italy, Louis!_ " Carter's voice was loud through the quiet, and Louis jumped. His shoulders tensed, eyes showing the effect of his anger as he stood tense next to the door. He crossed his arms, his head bowed and his eyes hurt as Carter started continued.  
"You're wrong! What is wrong with you! You're wrong! I'm staying here, you can't make me go anywhere!" His voice was brimming with panic and anger. The aggression in him was fueled entirely by panic, and the anger was fueled by hurt and not Louis. Louis' head was angled down and his shoulders drawn in, his arms crossed. He stood quietly and submissively.  
" _Are you fucking crazy!_ I- you can't make me leave, you can't make me go! This isn't your decision! This is mine! I said no! I'm not going with him, I'm not!" Carter shook, his eyes furious, and yet the panic of fear was there, trembling beneath the surface. Was Louis leaving him?  
"Why? Why are you leaving, what happened! I'm not going to university, I'm going to be here! What- what happened, are you... Did I do something wrong?" Louis, the look of pain on his face intensified as he squeezed his eyes closed, shaking his head quickly.  
"No, no, you didn't. You didn't, that's not what this is." His voice came quietly and humbly, nonthreatening and yielding to the anger from Carter, his body defensive.  
" _You're leaving me?_ " Carter's voice trembled, sounding like he was struggling not to cry. Louis shut his eyes, the distress coloring everything in him, shaking his head rapidly.  
"I'm n- I don't want to leave you, I don't want t-"  
" _Then what are you doing!_ " Carter snapped, his voice seeming to rock through the smaller boy.  
"I'm not, I'm sorry. I'm sorry."  
"Don't. Don't. Think about what you're doing, Louis. You can't leave me. You can't leave me." His voice was trembling and it seemed with every hitch, Louis wanted to get on his knees and yield to what he wanted, do whatever he wanted. It was against his nature to hurt Carter.  
"Is this because... Is this because of me not wanting to go to school! I'll go! I'll go! I'll go with you! We'll find somewhere, I swear, it doesn't matter if it's not good, we'll- we'll figure it out, we'll do something!"  
"No, it's not. It's not you." Louis appealed, his voice soft and gentle.  
" _Then what is it!_ " Louis seemed to shake under the pressure.  
"I'm sorry!" He squeezed his arms around himself. "I'm sorry! You have to go to school, you have to, you can't drop out. If you try to go with me you'll never go, you're so smart. You're so smart, you're _important_ , you're so capable. You can't stay with me, it's wrong. You're so smart. I just feel wrong, I feel so wrong."  
"Do you not love me? I- I thought you wanted to be with me."  
"No, I love you! I love you, I swear, I love you." He trembled, unable to even think about not loving him.  
"You don't have to go with Jason, you can stay here. You can stay- stay with me, I can stay here." The begging was something Louis didn't seem to handle, shaking his head and squeezing himself. There was a live, pregnant, painful silence between them. Carter's heart was running hard and heavy in his chest, every breath was unstable. Louis seemed like he didn't want to move at all, staying silent. Carter's throat was searing hot.  
He had never thought of this. He knew people broke, he knew that he'd never met anyone who hadn't broken up with someone. That nothing lasted. But never in his life had he thought for one moment about this. He had never had one second where it even crossed his mind that Louis didn't want as much as he, to be with him. He'd never even thought of it.  
"Please." His voice was weak, and as soon as he said the word, Louis' eyes seemed to crumble. All of the fight was out of his voice, it was a clear transition.  
"Please. Please. I love you. I don't want this, I don't want to go."  
Louis suddenly felt forever away from him. He felt like it was July and the ocean separated him.  
"Louis, I can't do this." Carter's throat was hot and ached when he spoke. He stepped towards him and for the first time since Carter was nine years old, tears blurred his vision. "I... I need you. I thought you wanted to stay together- with me." Louis wiped his own wet eyes.  
"I'm sorry." He whimpered. Carter shook his head, rejecting everything, tears sliding down his cheeks. He felt numbness in his legs.  
"You still-..." His voice shook. "Do you love me?" Violently, his head stopped thinking about losing Louis, it ran down the track of their history and he wondered how he had felt so much of Louis' love. He wondered how he had gauged it wrong, he was an honest person with himself. He believed Louis had loved him as much as he did.  
Louis looked up at him with wide, shining, aching eyes. You could swear his soul was right there to be seen.  
"Yes."  
They stood in silence for a minute, the electricity in their heads buzzing from the shock.  
Louis silently, took the door in his shaking hand and opened it, leaving.  
He stood in the room, his body frozen and unmoving. He stayed like that, his eyes on the door, his mind completely blank of anything at all.

-

It was the night before his flight that Carter sat on his bed, his knees to his chest. The lights were on and he stared ahead of him. His mother had packed everything he needed. After the fight, she behaved as if he was sick, checking on him and leaving him to sit in complete silence. He did so now, his back against the wall and the only motion in the room coming from the feeling of his still beating heart.  
The door opened after what could have been the rest of his life or a couple of minutes, he didn't know. He didn't even look up, and so when the figure stopped next to his bed it stayed there for a moment.  
"Carter." Louis whispered. He jumped at the sound of his voice, his heart picking up as he looked to him.  
"Lou."  
"I... Hi." He swallowed, and after a few moments of staring Carter reached for him. Louis walked obediently to his hand, letting himself be pulled onto the bed. Carter crushed him to his chest, his eyes still shocked as he clutched him tightly. Louis shrunk into his grasp, his chin on his shoulder as he held back. It was silent for a long time.  
"I need you." Carter whimpered. Louis' eyes filled with tears and he breathed shakily.  
"It's okay." He hushed, "It's going to be alright. We'll be fine."  
Carter just pressed his face against his neck as he gripped him unmoving on the bed. It was a long time and eventually Carter's arms softened, but when he felt Louis try to pull away he squeezed at the movement. Louis pulled until he released him, sitting in the circle of his lap, bodies close together.  
"You'll be fine." He whispered. Carter knew he was going to leave, and pressed a hand against his neck. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to do to stop him. He pulled at him, a request to be kissed. Louis held onto his wrist and leaned in as Carter kissed him. His breath trembled against his mouth, tears swelling. When he stopped he pulled apart and they sat together, unmoving.  
It would be the last time Louis and Carter sat on that bed. It would be the last time they were both in that room. It would be the last time Carter looked at Louis and saw him sitting there, the window behind him where he had crawled into at night for years. He used to crawl in to play, crawl in to cry, and eventually to kiss him. To lay with him in this bed.  
When Louis walked away, he watched him disappear through the door, and when he did, it was the last time Louis was in that room. He simply walked out of it.  
Carter watched Louis walk away for the last time.


	38. Chapter 38

_"No one, not even the rain, has such small hands."  
-E.E. Cummings_

It took Louis a whole week and a half to leave.  
Jason was probably worried sick about him. The day Carter left, he sat on his bed and started shaking, unable to stop until he'd fallen asleep. Jason sat next to his bed, the under tone of desperation in his voice as Louis shut him out. He asked him if he'd taken drugs, if he was okay, what had happened, all to no avail and no response. When Louis had woken up, he'd left the apartment before Jason could wake up. He'd stopped shaking and gone to his friends, drinking whatever they'd give him. He had tunnel vision on anything that could make his whole body stop hurting, not registering anything his friends said. They questioned him in surprise, it had been more than a year since Louis had acted like this, or joined them in any of these kinds of things. They asked him if something had happened to Carter, if his brother was okay. He didn't answer anything.  
He stayed away from Jason's home for a week, coming back eventually. Jason didn't smother him in questions, too relieved from knowing he was safe to be angry or ask a million questions. This had something to do with the fact that Jason had called Lauren eventually and asked if she knew where Louis was. She explained in a still shaken tone that Carter was in Italy, that they'd had a fight, she'd keep her eyes out for Louis. It wasn't just Carter that Louis had uprooted when he'd made his decision, it had a ripple effect on the lives of the people that surrounded them. They had become one person and now were two.  
It was later, that Jason dared even mention it to him.  
Louis woke up, his chest empty, his eyes lifeless, staring at the ceiling. He stayed like that and on that morning, he got out of bed and began to leave. He sat up and pulled a backpack out of his closet, pushing clothing into it. As he went down the hallway to the bathroom and started to push in toothpaste and a toothbrush, Jason found him. He must not have looked very good.  
"Louis?" He murmured warily, standing in the hall watching Louis' trembling hands pack the bag. Louis didn't answer, just left the bathroom, brushing past his brother and back to his room. As he sat the bag on the ground, he started filling it with a few more things.  
"Where are you going, Lou?" Jason pressed, standing in the doorway of his bedroom helplessly, his eyes tinged with growing worry. His brother had been gone for a week, then silent for days, and was now changing again. Jason felt like he made absolutely no ripple in Louis' river, but the nickname made Louis jump violently. His eyes turned into a tortured pit, hands faltering and then packing faster, shaking harder.  
"I'm leaving." He sputtered. Jason took a deep breath.  
"Alright.. well, where... where are you going?" Louis shook his head.  
"I don't know, I'm just going."  
"Come on, Louis, what's going on."  
"I have a friend who's going on a trip, I'm going with him."  
"Wh- you don't know where he's going?" It made no impact on Louis, earning no response. The friend had said where he was going, and Louis had not heard it. He didn't hear a lot now, things easily slipped in and out of his head, unable to hold onto many things. He had heard that his friend was leaving and had gripped that concept, not letting go, caring nothing for the details. "How long are you going to be gone?"  
"I don't know." Louis spat. Jason swallowed. Louis moved through the house and Jason followed him, trying to ask him what he was doing. He started to get desperate with him as Louis walked through the living room towards the door.  
"Louis, hey, wait!" Louis stopped, his hand on the door knob. "Why don't you think about this? Huh? You're- I moved here for you, so that you would be safe. I came back for you, now you're just going away. I wasn't even going to move, I was going to stay here with you.."  
Louis trembled, jaw tight before answering.  
"I can't stay here, I have to go. I'm sorry."  
"Is this because of him, did you guys... have a fight, or... Why don't you just wait this out? Did Carter do som-"  
" _Don't you dare say his name!_ " Louis snapped, his eyes turning into fire. "Don't ever say his name to me again, don't ever say it again."  
"Come on, Louis... My life is practically with you, stay, think it over..."  
"I can't fucking stay in this place, he's _everywhere._ It's- I'm, I can't breathe, I can't breathe here! I'm fucking- I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't do _anything._ I'm _burning._ He's everywhere, I have to go. I have to go." His voice shook violently and he gripped the door, his eyes burning.  
"Louis, come on..." Louis saw Jason's hard, bracing eyes, the fear that rung them. But it didn't hold anything to the way his skin crawled every time he breathed in, how he couldn't drive down a single road in this town without seeing him. He was going to run away from here, and him.  
"I have to go." He choked, his brittle body forcing the door open and slamming it shut, walking on burning legs.  
And just like that, he left.  
He'd stayed in that rainy town through an attempted homicide, through a lifetime of torture, through everything wrong that had ever been felt. He'd stayed. For one reason.  
And in one week and a few days, he tore down eighteen years of staying.


	39. Chapter 39

_"How did it get so late so soon? It's night before it's afternoon. December is here before it's June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon."_   
_Dr. Seuss_

"Louis?" Jason's static voice moved through the phone against his ear.  
Louis' stomach pitched at the sound of his brother's worry. He hadn't heard a familiar voice in three and a half months. He had parted ways with his friend and used money he'd saved up to buy a passport, leaving the states when he got the chance. It was fortunate that he'd taken the money he could from his parents when he could. He'd been making friends at every chance he got. He was good at it, and it came naturally, getting him where he needed to go. He didn't try hard to wipe the dead look from his eyes, strangers didn't ask many questions.  
As far as he ran, he couldn't escape the detriment in him, but he did what he could to keep moving, always.  
"Hey." Louis' voice came through quietly, the sound of his instability visible even to himself. Florescent lights shone down on him as he stood in the hallway of the dingy apartment building, mold growing along the carpet. The payphone against his ear was plastic, it's paint pealing.  
"Where have you been, I- I've been fucking worried... I've been waiting for a call, or something." Louis swallowed, his shallow eyes unyielding to his brother's tone. Leaning against the wall, he tried to muster up the feeling of guilt for leaving his brother. He couldn't find it, but vaguely he knew he wanted him to be safe and happy.  
"I've just been... out here." He mumbled, his voice softening for Jason. He felt the lost, innocence in his heart as he spoke to him. He usually felt this way when he spoke to Jason, like a child looking for guidance, now he felt it in a feeble little pulse. It was a foreign feeling, not one he even remembered feeling after being shuffled from stranger to stranger, city to city, road to road. As the childlike feeling faded weakly away, Louis let it go without pursuit, finding no place for it next to the strangers he had slept with for food and rooms and sometimes just to forget.  
"Are you alright?" Jason's maternal tone was enough to get his attention. Am I fine? He wondered blankly.  
"I'm not in danger." Louis settled. The static phone line fell quiet for a moment.  
"Where are you?" Louis waited, expecting this question.  
"I'm in Lima at the moment." He murmured quietly.  
"Lima? What state is that in?" Jason sounded wary. Louis waited again, watching a sketchy stranger pass by, his head lowered.  
"It's not-" He mumbled, "It's South America." There was a moment of live silence.  
"Lima, Peru?"  
"Yes."  
"What in the- fuck, how did you get to Peru?" Jason groaned.  
Louis' thoughts flickered against his will to when he was nine. He didn't want to think about it but he couldn't help it. It was hard not to think about it when he heard the concern in his voice. His head ran over the day when Jason got in a car with his friend, how guilty he had looked. He remembers the way Jason had squeezed his body in the driveway, pressing his face against his hair. He was young and confused, Jason knelt down on the ground to hold his shoulders tightly, talking to him quietly. The car was running, the headlights off as Jason whispered urgently to him, telling him to be good and safe and to keep his head down. He still remembers the cadence, and the look in Jason's eyes when he said that if he were ever in danger to run away. Run fast and hard somewhere safe, and call him. He said he was going away, and Louis started crying as Jason hushed him and wiped his chubby cheeks.  
'Sh, Louis.' He'd whispered, his eyes tortured, 'Don't wake up Dad.'  
'I don't want you to go.' Louis had sniffled, trying to whisper.  
'I'm gonna be here if you need me, kid. Alright? I gave you those numbers, okay, if you're ever scared, just call all of those, I'll get one of them, promise.'  
His thoughts returned to the narrow, low lit hallway and he shifted his feet, his throat tight. He was just doing what Jason had done. Just doing what he was told to do. Run away and call him if he could.  
"I got some rides with friends. I'm traveling with a few people." Louis tried to get the sound of his voice right. He tried to adjust. He tried to make himself sound right, and not so wrong, not the way he spoke to the stranger's who didn't know what he was supposed to be like.  
"You mean your riding with strangers." He chastised, stonily.  
"Yeah." Louis spoke. He was lucky he was a people person, lucky that he was able to get where he needed through other people. "Are you... When are you coming home?" Jason's voice quieted. Louis looked down, his chest feeling fully of air and nothing else, other than the soft sadness for what he may be doing to his brother. It was a relief from the feeling he was used to now, the everyday pain.  
"I don't know..." He mumbled. He heard the ache of fear and hope in Jason's voice when he replied.  
"You think you'll be out for a month? ...More?"  
"I don't think I'm coming home for a while, Jason." He whispered.  
"Okay." Jason's voice was carefully handled fear and sadness, Louis knew. "Well... Do you have somewhere to sleep tonight?"  
Louis could have laughed, the way he asked about it like that. Like a mother tending to the needs of a child. He hadn't been trying hard to get somewhere to sleep. Commonly Louis slept in the car as a stranger drove him, or in the bed of a friend. He wasn't above doing what he needed for food and a safe room to sleep in when the streets weren't safe.  
"Yeah, I'm sleeping in an apartment building. There's a few guys that I'm moving around with, they have a friend here."  
"You're being safe... I know you're a guy too, but I mean- you're being safe with men right."  
"Yes." No. He wasn't, he was lucky other men wore condoms when he forgot to tell them too.  
"Good... Do you know where you're going.. now?"  
"I think Sao Paulo, or Rio." He murmured.  
"Jesus." Jason whispered. He didn't pay much attention to where he ended up, he wasn't very inclined to ask his short lived friends where they were driving the car to, he simply slept and watched the world pass by. He spoke when it was important for him to keep up the acquaintanceship, and made sure he was well liked. Occasionally though, he was told how quiet he was, asked why he didn't talk much. He just didn't have the heart enough to half the time, preferring to toss his hand out the window and make waves through the air, trying not to think too hard about the things he'd left behind.  
"Be safe, Louis. You just... you're always on your own, always were, you gotta take care of yourself, for me."  
"I will."  
"I.. I guess, I don't know when I'll talk to you again... Call me when you get the chance, please. I'll be here, waiting for you, whenever you're ready to come home."  
"Okay."  
"Love you, kid. I know I don't say that much, it's not.. my thing." Jason mumbled.  
"I know, Jason."  
"I'll talk to you soon."  
"Okay." Louis murmured, and with that he hung the phone on it's base. He wasn't at all sure when he would call Jason again, and seeing him was something he didn't even think about. He felt better though, hanging up the phone. He felt better being able to return to this foreign country and these strangers, where nothing stayed for too long, and not nearly long enough for it to matter.


	40. Chapter 40

_"And what of those necessities? Like how to cope with tragedy and pain? Did anybody ever show you how? When it hits will my heart burst or break or grow strong? Is there really only one way to know, now?  
I'm not sure if I'm ready yet to find out the hard way.   
How strong I am.  
What I'm made of."  
-All Our Bruised Bodies and the Whole Heart Shrinks"_

Louis hadn't thought of Carter since he'd left, had tried to rip him out of himself.  
The group he traveled with was moving towards Buenos Aires, Argentina. He'd seen a couple of beautiful things through Chile. He'd stood in front of a mountain on the side of a road, as his travelers stopped to eat. He'd stood his wide eyes stilled in sight of the mountain, reaching to the sky. He had felt small, insignificant, and his eyes watered as he realized that Carter had seen something beautiful and thought only that he wanted Louis to see it to. He felt sick and the tears fell from his eyes as he stared up at the greatness the earth had created, unable to look away. He felt the beauty in his soul of the mountain and the sky and the snow, and then he felt the crippling pain of what he had done. He felt it so deeply.   
"It's almost too beautiful, isn't it." Louis didn't turn to face the woman standing next to him. She was his height, beautiful, unscathed. She looked like the road, her skin sun kissed, her eyes still wild. His eyes were no longer wild.   
"Too much." He mumbled, flatly.   
"It's a volcano, you know?" She spoke softly as he wiped his cheeks dry, not concerned about what he looked like, not about anything truly. He stared silently, unable to think of any reason to speak. "It's got a lot of power in there. It's strong like us. Well, stronger really."   
He didn't feel strong. He felt like a leaf in the ocean. 

-

_"Tell me how you lost. Tell me how he left. Tell me how she left. Tell me how you lost everything that you had.  
Tell me that it ain't ever coming back.   
Tell me about God.  
Tell me about love.   
Tell me that it's all of the above."  
-All Our Bruised Bodies and the Whole Heart Shrinks_

 

It was in Buenos Aires that he stopped for a month. He lived with his companions, their home small and humble, sleeping on the floor most nights.   
One night as he pulled jeans onto himself, he felt a small lump in the back of his pants. He paused, spitting out water into the sink of the bathroom he stood in. His hand dipped into his pocket, expecting a few spare dollars. Pulling out a paper about the size of his hand, he stilled, seeing the picture on the front. It was an ocean, the water stretching to no ends. His legs felt like they had fallen into ice as his breath haltered. Flipping over the picture, on the back he found an inscription. Scrawled in handwriting he knew better than his own, were the slanted letters Carter had written.   
He dropped the picture like it was made of fire, his eyes widening. His mind raced, trying to figure out why it was in his jeans. Staring at it, his handwriting glared at him from the floor, seeming to grip him with it's hands and squeeze him so that he struggled to draw in a breath.   
He picked up the picture and walked on shaking legs to the room he slept in, unzipping his back pack and shoving the paper to the very bottom. He sat for a moment next to his pack, his heart hammering like a shotgun.   
When he stood, his mind numb, he left the house and onto the streets. He spent a few nights wasted. Woke up in two different rooms, multiple different men. It was rough trying to sear away himself and burn out his awareness, but for a few hours he'd at least forgotten about the picture.   
He found his way back to the house feeling battered and wrung. There was a woman who owned the house, the mother of the friend who he traveled with. When he quietly closed the door behind himself, she was there in the kitchen. He paused, nodding weakly at her.   
"Oh, nena." She crooned, a crease forming in her brow. He looked away, not wanting to know what he must look like. Like hell, probably, or somewhere in that realm.   
"Sorry." He spoke, his voice scratchy, coughing to regain resonance. She averted her pity filled eyes and he walked like a ghost to the back room, kneeling limply next to his pack. He swallowed, glad none of his companions were around to question him.   
The drunken sin he'd just been on would keep the burning in his soul at bay for now, but he knew that once he'd recovered it would be back. So with a mellow, solemnly resigned resolution, he pulled the picture out of the bottom of his pack with slow moving hands. He kept his eyes up, not wanting to see it as he stood and left the house again. He wasn't drunk, and he didn't know why he felt the need to do what he was doing, but he did feel it. He walked himself, hands in his coat pockets, down the street. He was still wrung out from the bender, but his head wasn't muddled as he walked to the tattoo parlor. He resigned with no fight to the strange, unyielding decision in his heart. His heart had always dictated him anyway, and he wished it hadn't more and more everyday.   
He payed the tattoo artist, a small fee. He was lucky that he was in a foreign country and that he was able to ask for a lower price. He only had this money because he didn't spend anything, using it for emergencies.   
He lay his head on his arms as the needle worked across the skin in his back. His eyes, resigned as they were, held their haunting pain. He was lucky it had subsided for now.   
When he stood, looking in the mirror, he assessed the work. It was something that would have felt strange to see, if he had any room left in himself to feel such simple things now. The permanent ink was beautiful, he knew. It was deep black, bold and alive yet humble, holding an integrity in it's lines. It made something strong in the bottom of his gut roll like a current at the darkest part of the sea, seeing Carter's handwriting on him. It was one line of simple, slanted letters, mixed of broken cursive and print.   
'Je t'aimrai jusqu'à la fin des temps.'   
He pulled his shirt on and inhaled a deep breath, glad he wouldn't have to see it most of the time.  
When he got back to the house, he burrowed a stamp and an envelope from the woman who lived there. Thanking her, he sent the picture to his brother, asking him to put it in a certain box. He didn't know why he hadn't burned it on sight. He was angry, wanted to burn away anything that could remind him of Carter. But he didn't, sending the picture away as fast as he could. He didn't think of Carter's name after that, glad to push him as far away as he possibly could, left to deal with the wake of losing him.


	41. Chapter 41

_"Missing you will be violent and permanent; I will never find the bottom of it. Because I love, and love, and love. And I will grieve, and grieve, and grieve."  
-The In Between_

 

On the Brazilian coast, the sun shines down without end. Everything is vibrant, brilliant, alive. The trees are green. The water is clear. The sand is soft and warm. The sun is blinding. The air is wet.  
Louis stood, his eyes upon his bare feet buried in the silken sand. It's different than home. He thinks about home for a moment, something he tries not to do. The ocean at home was cold, a deep, sensual grey. The sand was always wet, even the dry bits were stiff like soil. This sand slid right through his toes. When he looked out he saw the water, unbroken by the towering stones that rose from the depths of the north western coast where he grew up. Everything here was bathed in the sun relentlessly.  
He stood in front of the waves, behind him parked, beaten convertibles. People laughed and sang, the clinking of many alcohols behind him.   
He exhaled heavily, wondering why he hadn't gotten a bottle from them already. It would keep him from seeing the differences between this beach and the one miles away from him. He lifted his eyes from the near white sand beneath his feet, looking out over the blue, green sea. His fingers found the hem of his thin shirt, pulling it off and letting it fall on the sand beside him. The sun was... warm. Warm in the way that held love and care. Like the sun kissed his shoulders, cradling him in it's warmth. He wondered why it didn't comfort him. His pale skin had never gotten this kind of attention at home. When the sun broke through the pregnant clouds, it shone like light through water. The way the sun shone so unashamed now upon his shoulders made him feel the distance between him and that era of his life. The heat seemed to hold him in a different world, the rain locked home he'd left behind was like a dream he'd woken up from. A whole different realm.   
He walked into the ocean, the first caresses of the water welcoming him into their hold, like a mother welcoming the return of her child. He watched his legs lower into clear water, able to see his toes even when the water had found his hips. He lowered his hand into the lapping of the salt water, letting it wash over his skin. Even the water felt different; silky, warm, exotic. He didn't know why he was thinking these things now, he'd spent plenty of nights on these South American beaches.   
The last time he'd watched the moon rise over the vast ocean, he was drunk and numb. He should have drowned probably, but that didn't occur to him when he lay on his back in the breaking waves of the ocean. He'd stared up at the pale, distant moon with his empty eyes. The water was warm even at night as it flow over his shoulders, past his head and licking at his ears. His head felt heavy in the wet sand, his body laying heavily in the shallow water as well. He wasn't thinking about anything, just staring at the moon, wondering at how far away it was. He didn't feel anything, just watered down peace and amazement. The moon was far away from the earth, probably couldn't hear the cries of happiness from the people below, or those of pain. He had felt amazed that the ocean carried on being the ocean after the sun had fallen down, that the moon was so beautiful, that every once in a while the water would wash into his ears and he'd hear the depths. How far away everything could seem.   
Now he was aware, wishing he wasn't. He tried to stop being so sensitive, lowering into the water and swimming. 

 

-

 

_"What will I find? Some sacred thing to help me handle the tragedy? Or did I once- Did I have it and lose it.  
You won't ever know. You won't ever see. How much your ghost since then has been defining me."   
-You and I in Unison_

The south american coast line held quite a few of his nights. Even the nights when he forgot to be reminded not to think about himself. One night, the moon was half full, the people around him half focused. He felt strange, off. That was hard to say, considering he was naturally off now. He always felt bad. But tonight he was off centered. He was frustrated as he tipped a bottle against his mouth, frustrated that it wasn't working for him tonight. Normally he could at least make living with himself bearable.  
He drank with increasing aggression, trying to make it work. He wasn't really thinking about himself, just feeling it in the background. Like a steady, faceless reminder that he was unable to settle in his skin.   
His companions, whose names he didn't even know, sat around a large fire. The sparks rose into the night sky and the waves of the water sang their never ending song. He listened for a while to the chatter of the people he sat with, the waves, the hum of the flames. He felt angry. His vision was blurry and he couldn't feel his feet, yet he could feel the fire lit under his soul.   
"What about you, Grey?" A girl giggled, and he saw the sun tanned people look to him. Their eyes reflected the fire and he blinked.   
"What?" His fingertips feathered at the neck of the bottle in his hand.   
"Where are you from?" A man this time asked. He could have laughed. How unfair, that he was being asked about this while he struggled to calm himself already. While his tongue tingled from the strange effects of anonymous liquids.   
"I don't know." He mumbled, his eyes turning away from theirs, unwilling to watch them. They agitated him more, reminding him that he wasn't content as they were, as he could be.  
"Every one comes from somewhere." Someone chuckled. He felt the eyes around the fire on him, the way they were curious. They wanted to know his past, perhaps why he didn't ever tell it. Why he didn't tell his story, or anything about himself, what he was thinking, or where he was going. Why he was always on the fringes; why he didn't care to make wild, passionate, short lived friendships on the road.  
These people all had stories, some extensive. It was a strange thing. The etiquette amongst the travelers was different for different circumstances, story telling. Some strangers he traveled with were sad, they didn't ask for stories and did not tell theirs. Some people, these as it would seem, were happy. They held the lust for adventure in their eyes, they held that easy wonder in their hearts for the road and what it could show them.   
Louis was not one of them. He did not feel the adventure in his eyes, he did not feel the wonder in his heart, he did not wonder what the road would show him and where it would take him. He did not wonder. When he looked at the road, he didn't look at where it disappeared into the horizon, he most certainly did not look behind to see it float away either. He looked to the side at what was passing by, he looked at the cities, the land, sometimes at nothing at all. Sometimes he just lay his head back and looked up at the sky, his hand out the window as he moved along. His need for the road was different from theirs. They wanted to see where they were going; Louis just wanted to go. He felt the restless, demanding itch in his legs, telling him he had to run. Run as long as he could.   
So he did not want to tell stories.   
"I'm from the states." He mumbled, ready for that to be all. But they were curious, and Louis was hard to understand. He looked like he didn't want to talk to anyone, and most of the time he didn't, but he was very good at it. He was seductive as a person, in a platonic way. He attracted people and maybe that was because they didn't know anything about him. He sometimes needs people though, they're good distractions. They make it easier to forget, muddle the unforgiving attachment to his self.   
"Why'd you leave?" He could tell the questions changed from people to people, that the group was curious as a whole. That was why they could ask questions with lessened fear of consequence. They could ask without that personal connection to the person of question.   
"I don't know." The people crowed in amusement.  
"What do you know?" They played kindly. "Do you have family at home?"   
"Yeah, I do." He thought. He had family at home. A one person family, one person who he knew was wondering about him. He didn't want to think about that, that person who so easily connected his thoughts to home, to his childhood, to the horrors of it, to the contrasting beauty of it, to the person who had made it beautiful. The most beautiful time in his life.  
"So you do come from somewhere."   
"No." He grit his teeth.   
"What do your parents think about you leaving?" Family is a familiar topic for these road stories. It made him pitch violently into a darker place in his thoughts.  
"They don't." He wondered why he was even answering these questions. His voice seemed to work against him, wanted to spit their anger at his feelings and what had brought them into being at all.   
"Are they dead?"   
"Yes." He spit. No, they weren't dead. He did not wish they were dead, he didn't wish anything of them. What he wished was that they had not happened.   
There was a silence for a moment, a brief falter in their curiosity.   
"Where you the only child?"  
"No, I have a brother." His heart pulled like an undertow at the weight he forced on it to shut it up. He was not the only child. Of course not. The pain he had felt was felt by his brother to, and that was enough to make him hurt even more.   
"He's at home?"   
"Yes."   
"Why'd you leave? He probably needs you, your parents dead." God, it would be easier if he had dead parents. Instead they had lived to put these twists in his heart. He felt anger roll deeper. Jason did need him. Not to survive, but he did feel the way Jason relied on him. He felt the closeness in which he stayed. He knew Jason was at home, living patiently without him, hoping he was okay. None of it was right. Nothing had fallen into place right. The thing that did had fallen out of place just as easily. He didn't feel sorry for himself, not for his circumstances. He didn't coddle himself, he lived with himself more than anything.   
"It doesn't matter why I left."   
"Did you leave anyone behind?"  
"What?" He growled, agitated, his brow pulling together. The muscle in his shoulders tensed and his breathing aggravated.   
"Did you love anyone?"   
"No." He shook his head violently. The people chased their interesting muse. They were watching a movie, or reading a book, they didn't have to feel the pain of the people in the story.   
"Come on you had to love someone, everyone does." He neglected the question as his stomach fought him in anger. Anger at everything. Finally angry. He wasn't naturally angry. He had never been angry at his parents, at himself, at anything. But for this recent part of his life, he felt the unfamiliar rage. The hate for _everything._ For how anything had happened. "Yeah, was it a girl, a boy?" His throat was hot. "Did they leave you?" "Did you leave them?"   
His eyes snapped up to the fire, his muscles in flames. He didn't normally feel angry, he normally felt sad. Now he felt both at the same time. He stood in a swift movement, surprising himself at his ability not to fall over in his half drunken state. His body rigid his hand gripped the neck of the bottle like a vice.   
" _I left him!_ " He roared, his arm like an bow, throwing the half empty bottle of alcohol into the fire. The glass shattered across the wood, baring sparks that took flight in wild throws. " _I left him! I wish I'd never met him. I wish I'd never fucking met him._ "   
The eyes around the fire fell as they felt the severity of the pain in front of them. They stared quietly in gentle shock. He felt the nauseating fury subside. The anger moved out of his body in the way that tsunami waves move. The water sucks away from the shore, uncovering miles of sea floor before suddenly flooding the land. His anger had pulled back and beached his soul, and when the water came back it was sad and hurt and confused and helpless. It tore down the trees, destroyed the houses, drowned the land. Everything was a mess. Everything in him was a mess. He turned away from the fire, wishing he hadn't just felt everything all at once, walking towards the waves.  
He sat in the wet sand, feeling the water washing against his legs. The moon shone half of it's light on the dark sea, soft and empty. He tried to feel the way the light was, still and half empty. But looking out over the ocean he felt the way the it looked, dark and vast and full. All the feelings in him were mixed together like the water, deep as the ocean, and as endless as the horizon.  
He wished he was asleep. He wished he couldn't feel the exhaustion and the fury and the endlessness of it.  
He stopped wishing though. It is just another thing that held empty hope.


	42. Chapter 42

_"Forever wait inside the sea for me, my dear, I hear you. You speak in every curling wave and sing in every violent breeze. Someday not far away from here, my dear I swear I'll see you. And we will hear the seraphs cry, they will still envy you and I."  
-Fall Down, Never Get Back Up_

Louis didn't stay in the best of places. He supposes that a person's thoughts attract everything they endure. Like these poverous, dangerous cities. The bad bits of Rio, the bad parts of Brazil in general. He reached certain lows that he would recognize as the worst moments of his life. Moments that had taught him that the pain he felt in childhood was a drop in the ocean to what he was in now. Maybe it was Carter that had made everything so bearable then; maybe it was Carter that made everything so unbearable now. 

-

_"So sing for every buried moment that you'd thought would never end. And sing your fears about the future; and a dirge for faded friends. For all the love that you had held to, why it somehow failed to keep. And sing each minute you've been frightened; every hour that you've lost sleep."  
-The Last Lost Continent_

Louis struggled, arms trembling with strain as he pushed against the man. The wall was unforgiving against his back as the man gripped his shoulders with force that logic immediately registered as dominant against his own strength. The lights were dim and dirty in this empty, poor apartment.   
He hadn't wanted to have sex with this guy, at all really. He had flirted with him in order to have a room to sleep in for the night, planning to stay off the streets at night as they were dangerous in this city. This person had told him he had an apartment and he could stay for the night, a seemingly friendly guy from a train station. Yes, it was unsafe, Louis knew it. He normally wouldn't have put himself willingly into a dangerous situation, but he'd become detached from so many things. His things, his home, anybody he met along the way, any kind of pull to one place, soon enough his self preservation had gone too. He was by nature a smart person, he didn't try to put himself in harm's way unless he was too emotional. But the constant moving had given him the ability to let go, and in it's wake he stopped caring about things he knew were unsafe. The goal was not to die, and if he did he didn't mind.  
He couldn't afford a broken bone right now, not with no money and not even the thought of being sent home, and as hands choked the blood in his arms, his head jolted viciously back to to what it felt like to be beaten. Until he couldn't hear anything, until his head was numb and the feeling of his lungs working unstable in shock was a foreign alien feeling. He immediately went cold and felt fuzzy, weightless as his head registered the familiar feeling of abuse, shutting down effectively. So when the man's hot breath saturated his mouth and jaw he grit his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut as the man pressed his body along his. He felt sick but forced it down, surprising himself with the ability to suppress the physical nausea. he looked once at the locked door to the apartment and his brow pulled together, closing his eyes as he turned his head away from it. The man's unnecessarily aggressive hands gripped his hair and in one smooth flick of his hands he turned him and bent him over. Louis' stomach pitched violently at the vulnerable, submissive position and he breathed in through stiff lungs, head steady. It was hard to scare someone who had felt all the pain he knew of already, enough to cripple him.   
His hands pressed against the wall and stabled himself, elbows leaning on the surface. He felt the right hand on his side shove obnoxiously at his jeans, forcing them down. He squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath, feeling the air against his ass. He was still, the threatening hand in his hair holding him fast as the second hand left to unbuckle a belt. He focused on the wall as he heard him take his cock out. The touch of it against the swell of his bum made him jump and his brow press together in distress.   
"Condom, please, please." Louis spilled out, words yelping in pleading urgency.  
"Right." He scoffed, pressing his dick against the warm flesh of his ass, so unfairly close to his entrance. He had never felt so disgusted at the prospect of sex. Like after this he couldn't imagine ever wanting something so vulgar again.   
"I have a disease, please, I have one in my pocket." He blurted out, trying to convince him before he pushed in, words racing to the beat of his heart. His head reminded him to make sure he wore a condom, he didn't want a disease to live with for the rest of his life, and he didn't want to have to feel anymore detail than he had to anyways. The lie was the best shot he had at ensuring his safety.   
"That's the best you've got?" The man laughed.   
"Is that a risk you want to take?" He snapped, relieved at the sharp tone he was able to take. He felt a hand rummage into his back pocket and pull it out.   
He tried to relax his muscles as the man wrapped an iron arm around his hips and forced himself into him. He squeezed his eyes shut and bit his teeth to keep the choked sounds in as he thrust in and out, pleasuring himself. _Why couldn't he be smaller..._ He was too thick, stretching and opening in ways he resented to his core, forcing him wide as he pushed into his hole. He was pressed forward against the wall as he breathed through the aching detail of every inch the man drove inside him. He not only felt resentment for what was being done to him, but an irrational disowning of his own body. He felt an unfair disgust for the vessel he was in.   
When he was a child something even half like this had traumatized him, sent him crying into his arms. His head stopped the thought process like a train. _No_.  
He grunted in anger as he forced his thoughts away from him.Now, anyways, he was able to cope with this. It wasn't something that would make him cry, he was adaptable. he'd learned to be. So he whimpered futilely in pain as the man's hand gripped the roots of his hair until he thought he would pull it out, groaning in pleasure as if taunting him with the victory over his body. Showing him how good Louis was making him feel, weather he wanted or not, showing him the power he had over him. 

-

" _I thought I heard the door open, I thought I heard the door open but I only heard it close. I thought I heard a plane crashing, but now I think it was your passion snapping. I think you saw me confronting my fear, it went up with the bottle and went down with the beer, and I think you ought to stay away from here there are ghosts in the walls that crawl in your head through your ear.  
I know that someday you'll be sleeping darling. Likely dreaming off the pain. I hope you'll hear me in the streetlights humming, softly breathing out your name. I know that even with the seams stitched tightly, darling scars will remain.   
I swear that even with the distance, slowly wearing out your name, your hands still catch the light the right way. And our hearts still beat the same."  
-Such Small Hands_

He woke up, his body felling foreign. The first thing he registered was that every cell in his body felt altered, like it was buzzing and numb at the same time. He blinked mindlessly at the cupboard inches from his face, seeing the crease where the wood and the tile met, converging at the bottom of the counter. His body buzzed as he lay motionless. The door opened and a man entered, seeing his open blank eyes and pausing. He didn't move for a moment, watching for the movement of his lungs. Louis didn't know where he was, a stranger's house at least. He would later remember what country he was in, but for now he didn't know that either. He had found an English speaker last night and his party. He found the drugs too and once he started he didn't stop. He had played his way into the party and moved his cards right, the dead look in his eyes masked by a sharp, inviting flirt that molded to fit the personality of every person he needed something form. There were probably thirty people crammed into that poverous apartment, all of them either drunk or on drugs. Louis knew they were on heavy stuff, seeing on woman stare with her eyes wide open at the drywall, her mouth open and her body slack, a look of profound entrapment on her face. he saw a man sitting in a corner, touching his own face. Many people dancing.   
He found the drugs and danced all night long, drinking whatever was given to him, feeling the effect of many laced drinks and taking pills at a steady rate. He should have died. But as his pulsing arteries would have it, he was awake on the ground of this small, dirty bathroom. He had forgotten what had happened last night, only remembering that deep unrest, wrongfulness in him had been stopped by those miraculous medications. He had stopped feeling and his brain had blanked, overloaded with so many sensations. The drugs did inexplicable things to a brain, taking away all sense of spacial coordinate, all ability to process information. there was no time, not humans, not world, and certainly no Louis, only lucid sensations that didn't even have any sort of logical barring. He doesn't remember existing for a few hours and he knows he had stopped feeling so numb and wrong. He had stopped having to feel that alive cognition of the fact that he didn't feel like a person.   
"Hey." The man knelt down next to him and touched his arm. The touch sent a radical buzz down his body in a slow pulsating vibrate; drugs have a way of sticking around for a bit. He sat up slowly, his head feeling like water in his skull.   
"You're alive." the stranger mumbled. He leaned against the wall and looked at the cupboard, seeing the paint and the way it chipped.   
"Were you trying to kill yourself?" He asked it in a factual tone, not partial insinuation on if he was suicidal, just a simple question. As neutral as the weather.   
Louis shook his head, not caring to test what it might feel like to speak, his body was still strange. He wasn't suicidal, he wasn't anything. He didn't care if he died or not, he just knew the drugs would make everything go away.   
"This is... Uh, my place. I saw you last night and you came back here, I thought you wanted a good time and you.. certainly did. Kind of took off on the substance abuse..."  
There was a silence for a while.   
"Normally I don't let bums stick around but you seem self sufficient.. otherwise speaking. You can stay 'till you get on your feet. The flat is small, there's food and water. If you get sick keep it in the toilet, if you can. I'm gonna check on you if you stay in here." He was quiet for a moment. "None of my business what a man does with his life but while you're here I don't believe in dying before your time so... if something changes.. or you feel worse I'll be here." He left as quietly as he came.   
He stared at the wall, his eyes empty of anything at all. The furious hate filled repulsion and sadness in him for every passing moment he made was dissipated and confused, lost. It had been for a month now, the cognitive pain he had been feeling when he left home.   
He was sick.   
He could feel it and didn't acknowledge it. He didn't care what he was, sick or healthy, alive or dead, him or someone else, he didn't care. At all about anything. He had a deep sickness in him that was a motionless shadow, it did not eat him, it did not drown him, it just existed in him. He felt nothing except for a very deep wrongness. There is a difference between sadness or anger, and sickness. Somewhere along the line there is a change in a person, hate and sadness does not morph into this integral darkness; you can feel all the feelings you want. There's just something that changes and it's not hate or sadness anymore, it's a core difference. It's not a feeling or anything describable, it's a point of becoming a base element and not having yourself anymore. You're nothing but your wrongness and nothing in life is like it should be. Walking is weightless, directionless. Eating is something you don't crave at all, ever, your stomach never growls, you just happen to eat sometimes out of habit and the world's constant integrated feeding of it's fellow race. You sit in rooms and stare at nothing, or something that becomes nothing at all to you. You just sit, don't think. Your eyes see things and somehow you don't. It's not that the sky isn't beautiful anymore, it's just that you don't remember that connection and you don't even think about it. beautiful things are just things. you are just a thing, one thing, your sickness.   
And that's what Louis had become. He didn't think about anything at all for a long time, months even. he forgot wholly to think about Jason or the town he grew up in, or even the parents who had starved and beaten and darkened him. Carter was the only thing that was consciously there, somewhere that Louis couldn't find in himself. He was lucky he supposed, to have been unable to recognize Carter's presence in his soul, though it was there. The singularity. The white orb against his black.   
He existed and then Carter did, in unison and it killed him even when his mind forgot to register his own existence for months.  
He ended up staying with that man for almost a month. The man who didn't ask questions but could feel the difference in Louis. Louis didn't notice it, didn't notice anything anymore, but the stranger did. He'd notice the way Louis sat on the couch and just stared. Normally he didn't let the strangers from his parties stay with him for more than a night, but the unnerving crippled-ness that he felt around Louis changed his mind. He backed away and allowed him to stay. There are feelings that are given to people about others, notions and understandings.   
The man thought that there must be a story behind Louis that he could only hope he would never understand.


	43. Chapter 43

" _If I could be a wiser man, to rest my head and trust the plan, and fighting like a child to get my way.  
It's easy to blame someone else for my wants and my worries. But I know, I accept that it's just a part of who I am.  
Now we're running for cover. Running to hide."  
-Ivan & Alyosha_

It took him a long time to get enough money for a plain ticket.   
After a while, he'd drifted blindly into consciousness. It seemed he'd been out of it for a few months but eventually, without his knowing, he woke up. Albeit numbly. A long with it came his itch; once again he felt the backing pressure guiding him onto his feet. He found that sleeping on the streets was not the safest idea and finally started putting effort into surviving. Having become so lifeless had made it hard for him to earn companions that could help him.   
After a bit of moving from hosts and couches and even floors, he eventually stopped at a hostel. Working long enough to build up money he was able to cushion the blow to his savings, buying a plane ticket to Europe. He felt it was time to leave the Americas. The culture became too redundant and his instincts reminded him he'd been staying still too long.   
On arriving in Portugal it had been more than a year since he'd seen the place where he'd grown up.  
He spent a few unfavorable nights without accommodation but he didn't mind. It was alright to him. Europe came with a strange romantic air. The scars on him seemed to have become something he respected as just as much a part of himself as his music was. He found a person. He supposes the road got a little easier to rough now that he was trying even a little. He was cleaning at a hostel for his stay and playing piano for money at a quiet pub in Madrid Spain when he met a smiling man with an easy going disposition.  
His name was something long in Spanish that started with a D, but he told Louis that he could call him David. He spoke Spanish and English and faulty Italian, something that Louis' head filed far into the back and tried to forget completely. David was nice, carefree. He had an unassuming smile and Louis returned his on comings. He'd invited David to sit too close on the piano bench and had guided his fingers on a treble melody while backing him with base and making him laugh, though it wasn't hard to make him laugh. Perhaps some would feel guilty for flirting with him with an objective in mind, but he didn't.   
After an awkward night of drunkenly giggling into David's mouth and dragging him into his hostel room, grinding in a bed for a while before his roommate returned, Louis was invited to stay at his apartment. It was bad, and for someone who had knownthe road, it was the lap of luxury. Louis enjoyed David's company well enough, he didn't ask questions that mattered, only friendly admirations about what it was like to be a 'vagabond'. He made it easy for Louis to make himself laugh, he didn't have to try to act like he wasn't ignoring a huge disability in his soul, he could actually chuckle mindlessly to him. David had a typical apartment with shitty furnishing and nothing on the walls anywhere, the bed without a frame, the windows overlooking Spain bare and the paint on the sill chipping. It was comfortable, warm. He woke up many days and made food in the kitchen, occasionally being lifted onto the counter and panting into David's mouth. He didn't ask for commitment, and Louis treated him as he treated everything else. Fully, unafraid to ride David in his bed and to drink with him as they played board games on the threadbare carpet at three a.m., trying to spread his soul out. He felt the need for the human connection. And he saw it as another way to snuff himself out. Perhaps if he could get himself lost in yet another person, yet another place, that maybe he'd feel less substance in himself. Like if he could give a piece of himself away to every city and every person, that eventually he would be left with the bare minimal of what he is. Maybe if he acquired substance from every person and every city, maybe he'd dilute himself, maybe he could water down what it felt like to live in his skin.   
He'd spent a good many nights and days with David. The sun would rise with his light snoring in his ear and it would set with them on their stomachs watching it go down out the window. The mornings came with a good few sleep riddled shags and the days passed with a few lazy stay insides, a few sunny days in the city, the nights fell with pints and the lips of another man on his skin.   
He said goodbye to David on a Sunday morning. Louis yawned and started putting things together in his bag, getting clothes and toothpaste, feeling the impending unpredictability of the road. He was ready for it. He felt the fill of his surroundings, felt like he'd lived out the life he was supposed to here, felt like his heart was ready to find what was out there waiting for him to arrive. He was fortunate to have saved up money from piano at the pub every other night.   
David woke after him and when he was awake enough he noticed the full backpack. Louis finished cleaning the kitchen as if he was leaving a parting gift. When he was finished David leaned against the counter next to him.   
"You're pack is full..." He spoke with the accent ever present in his mouth, his eyes easy and unaccusing. Louis nodded, giving him a kind look.   
"Yeah, it's about time I got on..." He murmured.   
"Got on to where?" He asked.   
"Don't know yet, I'm gonna try and make it out of Spain in the next few days... Maybe head to England." David nodded.   
"You know I don't mind you staying here."   
"Yeah, I know."   
"Yeah." He chuckled, his smile stretching his defined jaw. "I figured you weren't leaving for that."   
"Thanks for keeping me." He murmured kindly, reaching up to kiss his cheek. David leaned into it and told him to have good luck and not to be too serious. Louis smiled at that. He hadn't talked about anything about himself, and had held a soft and easy disposition yet still it seemed David had guessed at a story under his untold skin. 

-

" _Que sera, sera. Et qui vivra verra."  
-Whatever will be, will be. And who will live will see._

Louis didn't mean to get caught up in France. He didn't really mean to get caught up anywhere really, but through hostels and hitchhikers, he did end up stopping. In Lyon, France he found another man.   
His name was Olivier and he was rather well off, owning an apartment on an upper story floor on the edges of Lyon. He liked to talk for a long time and Louis learned to speak basic french fast, even though Olivier spoke conversational English, it was easier to offend people in this country for not speaking a lick of their language.   
Olivier lived up to what Louis could expect from the cliches. He liked to humor Louis with wine, having him tastes different kinds and explaining that wine was like any other culinary art, one that France had cultivated. That American wine was like most foreign things in the states, Americanized for the consumption of it's people. That you couldn't get real wine like this where he was from. He explained to Louis that Paris was the city of light and love and that he should see it. He seemed to take a serious liking to him, enamored with his obscure past and his American accent. He joked that Louis really did have l'oeil de l'American. He seemed a romantic man, telling him his eyes were beautiful a lot. He also didn't let him forget that his name was french, and that his English parents were smart for giving Louis the name of a line of kings.  
Louis got drunk off wine more times that he ever would in Olivier's home, often ending with sloppy writhing in a plushy bed. Olivier was a giving and emotional lover, liked to spend a lot of time kissing his body and with his head between his legs, hands touching constantly. He played his language on Louis a lot too, found that if he muttered things in his language that it made him moan more, specially when he was drunk. Olivier liked to be a giver, and he spent a lot of time sucking him off, and letting Louis lay without doing any work in the sheets when he fucked him. He didn't seem to have sex for fun and Louis, of course, didn't mind. He almost liked it to have a man who cared so much about making it good, because it worked. He had some of the best sex of his life sitting in his lap, his eyes barely open as he held his arms around his neck. Oliver would splay his hands over his waist and with their mouths pressed together, they'd exchange feather light kisses every once in a while. Their breath would taste like the bitterness of wine and the sweetness of croissants and the broth of soups.  
He got perhaps a little intoxicated with it all. With the air, the excitement Olivier showed with displaying France to him and all that came with it. The romantic air he seemed stuck in, the train rides to fun places. The late nights and the slow sex.  
When the time came though, he found that the days were becoming the same again. That the food would always taste this wonderful, that Olivier would always kiss him before he went to work in the morning, that his h's would always fall a little silent in his accent. He knew it was time to move on and when he told him, he tried to convince him to stay. Louis was ready to leave though, therefore he may as well have already left. With his eyes on the horizon and no desire to look back. He felt right again when he finally did return to the road, he felt the discomfort of the same place fade, replaced with the moving of his feet.


	44. Chapter 44

_"When I was younger I used to be wild. As wild as an elephant's child. No one could hold me down. No one could keep me around. "  
-Holiday_

Louis stood, the cold night air against his face. It bit his cheeks and woke his numb skin, helping to draw the hot tears from his core. The small balcony under his feet held him up over this beautiful city. There was no moon out tonight even though the city lights shone bright enough to gleam in the water gathered on his lids, enough to illuminate his skin. London didn't really shut down with the setting of the sun and the city was a living thing tonight. Louis' fingers grew numb on the iron rail, a welcome feeling, his hands braced against the metal as he tried to pace his breath staggering in white clouds past his lips.  
The sliding glass door behind him closed him away from the dark apartment behind him. He'd found another friend to stay with, this one just that. He liked to stay up late though and didn't surprise Louis when he wandered out, pushing the stubborn door open and zipping his coat up against the cold. Louis wore a thin cotton shirt and sweats, the cold piercing through them and to his skin.  
It was sleep warm when he had come onto the balcony, too numb. He'd woken up, not remembering any dreams as he normally didn't, feeling the familiar twist in his core. He'd been going strong enough for a few weeks, able to ignore it. But waking up this night he'd tried to get the numbness out of his soul, answering to the ache in him. He wondered why he had to wake up like this. Usually when you wake up your headaches are gone, your colds cured, the fear from the day before gone; tonight he woke up with it.  
"Are you mad? It's freezing out here." Lucas murmured, his voice quiet against the night. He blinked, looking away. He had felt bad in the warmth of the bed, aching for some kind of cold to bite out his numb skin. To wake him up. To chase off the sleep so perhaps he could deal with this awful feeling. It was a bad night, he supposes.  
Luke offered him a cigarette, the one in his mouth glowing. He turned his head away from it, his dark brow set in something between a storm and a child mourning the loss of his mother. Normally he'd accept a cigarette but tonight for some reason he was facing the feeling he'd woken with, using the cold to chase away the warmth, waking up instead of trying to sleep.  
Lucas frowned, standing next to rail with him.  
"You alright?"  
Louis shrugged, swallowing and brushing the tears off his cheeks, knowing his eye lashes were probably clumped up.  
"Why are you crying?" Lucas didn't strike him as the curious kind of person, but then again Louis didn't think he was the kind of person to put himself into this kind of situation.  
He looked out over the city, the stars out shown by the streets.  
_Because I'm stuck. I'm stuck in my childhood. I'm stuck in a minuscule American town, a thousand times smaller than this city and yet I'm stuck there. I'm stuck on one fucking person. Stuck on one kid, and I'd give anything to get him out. I'm still stuck on him._  
He wondered if he ever wouldn't be. Wondered if there was an amount of time it would take before he didn't have to be stuck. Wondered if he even wanted that. Maybe this was the only way to keep loving him, but hell was it worth it? He wondered if he'd ever know the answers to these questions, if there would come a time when he didn't feel so fucking lost and so confused and so aimless.  
That's the thing about running, he knows where he's running from, but where he's going? Nothing.  
Lucas blew out his smoke and broke the cigarette on the rail, giving him a sympathetic pat on his chilled arm.  
"Good luck, mate." He muttered as he turned away from the glowing city. 

-

" _You were faced with a future that was bright as the sun. But the pressure it was mounting, you decided to run."  
-The Fold_

He'd been with the same group of people for about a month now, helping them earn money along the way and taking safety in numbers. They were a cheery group of people, mostly his age. About of five of them, friends from high school taking a gap year between high school and university. The year had turned into more and they were just going for fun. It was a comfortable form of getting from place to place for him and had been working well.  
He didn't normally know where they were going, not on purpose at least. Usually he over heard them, and this time was the same one. He sat in the car as his companions stretched their legs outside in the parking lot of a department store. He caught ear of one of the English kids speaking of where they were going, the word Italy gripping his attention. He stilled and listened for a few moments before getting out and asking them where they were going, discovering that they'd be crossing the Italian border in the next day.  
He felt his stomach grow a strange mucky feeling and his skin felt hot and cold as he pulled his backpack out of the car.  
"Where are you going?" He frowned, the girl next to him frowned in concern. "You're leaving?"  
"I... Sorry. It's been great, I just can't go that way."  
"Is there something wrong?" They cautiously joked.  
"No... Sorry. Thanks for the help and all."  
They let him go offering him a small amount of extra money, suggestions of friends he could stay with and saying good bye. When he turned around he made sure to go in the opposite direction, his feet carrying him to anywhere else. 

-

" _I'd give up forever to touch you, because I know that you feel me somehow. You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be and I don't want to go home right now."  
-Iris_

Louis woke, blinking tiredly and pulling in a deep breath as he lifted his head to look up. He felt a hand on his waist, moving slowly. He was very warm and the sun as rising in muted tones outside the window of the third story apartment building. Through the window he could see the river that reflected the windows of the apartments as it ran a street through the city.  
The warmth radiated from both sides as he took notice of the two men in front and behind him, sandwiching him effectively. The man pressed against his chest rested his arm on Louis' ribs as he read a book, focused on the pages. The man against his back moved his hand slowly in the dip of his waist, petting him. He took a deep breath and shifted, dislodging the men and making space as he sat up, feeling the cool air around him as he sleepily rose and padded to the kitchen in his loose clothing to make tea.  
It was nice to live with people for a while, food available for free whenever, showers every day, a bed to sleep in. He knew it would change eventually, he'd feel the road calling again and he'd say his goodbyes and thank you's and be gone from their lives, likely never to see them again.  
He made tea in the kitchen and sat out on the balcony. Instead of streets below him there was rippling water with boats passing with passengers and endless walls of buildings and windows. The sun seemed to have risen not long ago and sipped at the warm tea. Later the two boys came out and kissed his cheek as the other sipped at his drink, telling him goodbye before he left for the day, pecking the other on the lips. The man that stayed next to him on the landing was named Vincent, the one at work was named Iars, a name he had gotten used to pronouncing.  
"Can I borrow a phone?" He asked as Vincent sipped at his tea, his arms around his waist as he stood behind him for a few moments. He pulled it out and checked it before giving it to him and going inside to start his day or perhaps to give him privacy. He was a quiet person, something Louis quite appreciated at times. Some times, after all the past has given him, he finds it easier not to talk.  
He sat on the wood, his legs through the bars of the railing as he set his hot tea down and dialed a number.  
"Hello?" A scratchy, familiar voice filter through.  
"Hey, it's me."  
"Louis!" Jason cheered, bringing a soft smile to his lips.  
"Hi." He huffed.  
"I haven't heard from you in so long! God, I wish you'd call."  
"Sorry." He apologized, the long lost feeling of being scolded recalled again.  
"Where are you? Last you were in Edinburgh?" Louis pressed his forehead against the bars in front of him, frowning to himself.  
"I'm sure I called before then..."  
"Whatever, forget it. Tell me what's up with you."  
"I'm in Amsterdam right now. And... I guess it's night for you? It's mid morning here." He heard a sigh.  
"Still hard to grasp it... The Netherlands?"  
"Yeah." He murmured.  
"It's nice?" He thought about that. Is it nice... He didn't really go looking for the beauty in these places, just trying to get away from the last place, but he still sees it - can hardly look past it.  
"It's beautiful." He mumbled.  
"What are you looking at now?" Louis paused, the light softly shimmering against his skin, glancing off the water.  
"Well, if you've ever seen a picture of Amsterdam, it's pretty stereotypical." He giggled. "The streets are made of water and - well where I am there's no sidewalks. I'm on a... balcony thing." He laughed and heard Jason chuckle with him. "But in some parts of the city there's sidewalks and shops and all that and... trees. Some of the trees have flowers on them that fall into the canals, it's pretty ridiculous."  
"Sounds amazing."  
"Yeah." The conversation lulled for a moment.  
"Do you think you ever miss home?" Louis frowned. Just yesterday he'd heard the song Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls and felt sick, had practically been dropped back onto the west coast of America, right back into a tiny furniture store that smelled like fake flowers and dust. He felt like this conversation was pulling into a dangerous direction and he felt the pull between his brother and wanting to hang up the phone.  
"I don't know..." He mumbled.  
"Well, it misses you." Jason gracefully returned, "You're room is still here, so is all your stuff... Some of your friends used to come looking for you in the beginning. It gets a bit lonely at times, I have a lot more time for friends." He joked. Louis felt his heart warm for him.  
"Sorry, Jason." He mumbled. "For leaving..."  
At one time they didn't talk like this ever, but one of the perks of only having short moments of one dimensional contact is that he talks much more freely to him, and vise versa.  
"Don't be sorry..." Jason murmured, his voice quiet. Louis looked up and saw a bird flying above his head. "It's not like you should stay where you don't want to. It's fine. If anything I feel guilty sometimes when I think... that.. like - I wish you'd stayed, you know. I didn't stay with you when we were younger, so... you know."  
"I told you not to feel guilty for that. I've never.. resented that at all."  
"I know, I know." He amended, "You're just not a kid anymore... Hell, even when you were a kid you didn't listen to anyone." He laughed. Louis was good at ignoring his thoughts like right now, when his head contradicted Jason, remembering that he did listen to people a lot when he was younger. One person.  
"It's weird sometimes, remembering you're an adult now." Jason continued, "It was like you were still a teenager and then all of the sudden you were grown up."  
Louis had a hard time talking to him, and it upset him. He'd like to talk to him, yet even now he was able to pinpoint the exact moment he stopped being the little brother Jason was taking care of, something that related too much to the one thing he never thought about willingly.  
He does wonder though, when he grew up. He doesn't remember getting older. He doesn't remember when he felt okay to sleep with strangers and men that could hurt him, or sleep in a strangers house at all for that matter. He didn't remember the first time he took a pill and didn't think about it. He just knows at one point he was still a child. He still felt afraid of drugs and alcohol and he didn't want to touch anyone. And his first kiss made him blush and it was just a quick kiss, out of curiosity. He doesn't remember when it became okay to drink and when he didn't think so much about kissing. He doesn't remember when he was still ignorant. He wonders how his ten year old self would have felt in his shoes right now. With virtual strangers, no car, no home, no one to call if he got in trouble, no security at all; it all felt fine now.  
His childhood was good, regardless of everything. In fact it seemed to shine. Every day made sense and he was always able to be happy, even when he got to his darkest moments, he always knew he had something he could hold onto and pull himself back. Now every day was just a jumble of whatever would happen next, no ambition and nothing he strived for, just getting from one day to the next.  
"You're a good brother." He mumbled into the phone.  
"Thanks... It's good to hear you say things like that... I hope I see you soon, Lou. I know you're not ready to come home, it's okay... But, you know, I'll always be back here."  
"I know..."  
"Are you stay with someone? You said you were on a balcony, I mean are you safe? I guess this is someone's phone, I'm so used to answering unknown numbers now."  
"Yeah, I'm with some friends." Some polygamous friends who happened to enjoy kissing each other and Louis at the same time. He skirted around that, not worrying Jason with the details.  
"Alright, well, I'll let you go."  
"Okay. I'll see you- er. Bye." Louis rolled his eyes at himself as he heard a soft chuckle through the line.  
"I'll see you, just not soon."  
"Sorry." He huffed, smiling.  
"Bye, kid."  
"Bye."


	45. Chapter 45

_"This is, as they say, the darkest time line. Everywhere else, nay, 'everywhen' else - us in the Civil War, us in Ancient Egypt, us in the swinging '60s - we are happy.  
Because you could have loved me forever. And maybe in another universe, I let you."  
-In Another Universe_

New years in Albania was beautiful. Louis' heart was only a little sick at the sight of this new years eve, and he was able to draw in an aching breath and push it out. He was able to handle it.   
The man he was giving his time to now was in love with him. And as the fireworks colored the sky and brought on mellow beauty, Louis faced him. He was a reasonable man, and Louis perhaps could have stayed with him forever and been happy. Thomas is his name.  
His eyes were softly conflicted and morose as he looked at Louis. The assortments of colors displayed in the reflection of his gaze and Louis sighed softly to him.   
"I know you don't stay anywhere... You should know you can stay here with me. I'd like that." His voice was gentle and Louis held his gaze for a moment before Thomas continued.  
"You love so many things about this.. place. The umbrellas in the streets. I know the other places have had - have more beautiful things. And you've had so many places..." He mumbled. "And I know you won't stay but I can't let you go without asking you."  
Louis' soft somber eyes looked at his lap, the colors dancing on his legs as they briefly wrested from the cloaking dark. The city was alive as the fireworks emerged over the buildings and the people danced and sang and laughed. Louis could hear this city's life and see the sky's life coinciding with it. And it was beautiful, and he could see himself staying forever. It would be easy, just as easy as staying forever in Lyon, or Madrid, or Edinburgh, or Buenos Aires. But he just didn't want anything out of any of these places and his heart didn't face him and tell him that he belonged. He felt that he didn't belong here, or any of the other places, and that was alright. Perhaps he'd never slow down, he didn't know. But his heart wasn't ready for a city to hold him, or a country, or a person who loved him.   
"I don't think I'm the one meant to stay here. With you." Louis whispered, his eyes soft with the accepting that he wasn't meant for this place.   
"I understand... Are you... you never fell in love with me.. did you?"   
"I have love for you.. but for me being in love is very different." He murmured to him. "I don't think I'm the kind of person for falling in love, Thomas. It's alright, though. I mean - if I were, I'd probably be in love with you. I just don't think.. I can do that."   
Thomas nodded and exhaled taking his hand and holding it softly, staring at his hands. Louis felt soft remorse for the way this man was giving up something he wanted. He hoped that he'd find someone else that would make Louis seem like a one night stand or a first kiss.   
"I hope you do fall in love with someone." Thomas answered, "To me, you're exactly the kind of person to be in love."   
Louis wasn't able to look at him.   
"Thank you." He whispered. 

-

_"Like the more that I breathe, and start to go slow, of all the many things, I can only recall-  
All of the good things.   
Living on Sycamore street, and spending weekends on the beach. We were free, to be everything we dreamed. Flying kites and water fights. Summer nights, we'd ride our bikes on Overhill, Ladara Heights. Man I swear,  
Only the good things.  
All in all, it's been okay. I've lived well."  
-Eternal Sunshine, D. Andrade_

 

Louis didn't stay with another man after that. Not any one more than friends. He wasn't sure why, he just stopped. He felt okay about it, he didn't want so much anymore.   
After he left Thomas he got back on the road for a long time. He left western Europe without looking back, and the air changed as he road and hitchhiked and struggled toward India. It wasn't so rough in one way, he didn't mind it.   
He wasn't so hungry for love anymore, and he found himself soothed more and more by the road and the way the earth changed as he moved. He didn't struggle for steady footing so much anymore.   
Today he was in the passenger seat of a nice old woman's car, the windows down. The air was hot as it graced his face, embracing him in ways that he was able to appreciate. Amazing that the wind could hold him in ways he never could do for himself.   
The woman at the wheel was sweet, and her dark skin was cracked with age. Her eyes were kind, and her voice was nearly non-existent. The language barrier kept Louis from holding a conversation with her, but he didn't mind. He didn't like to talk as much as he used to, and even so he found that this woman and him were able to speak without words. Her thin lips smiled to him and she was peaceful as her thin fingers held the steering wheel. He leaned his head against the frame of the window as the sun shone against his steadily tanning skin, the wind blowing across him and finding it's way into his lungs.  
He was okay.   
As he opened his closed his eyes, he tried not to push away his ache. He was learning how to handle it, and perhaps facing himself was the least he could do after all these years. He was actually able to think about him now. For a long time, Louis only rarely acknowledged him in his mind, letting him run in the back ground. But in the last six months, he's been able to face himself, been able to gingerly confront the thoughts in his head about him.   
There were different aspects to loving, and, more importantly, missing him. Today Louis felt the simple ache, deep into the center of his soul. He missed him. He could feel the ache of missing his presence and it hurt bad enough for him to feel it in his chest and in the sigh it drove from his lungs. His body felt it too. After so long all of the furious hatred for this unfair love he felt, for all of the other things, was dissipated. He couldn't stop loving him, and if it hurt so much it wasn't anyone's fault but his own for having lost the one person he couldn't let go of. He wouldn't mind it so much if he knew he'd see him again, if he knew one day he'd see that man again. He'd spend everyday looking out the window with this ache in his chest, and this longing in his soul, a thousand years he'd wait for him. But he knew he'd had his chance to love Carter Rose, and missed it. So now he was gone and it would always hurt, and he'd just await the day when he could go a week without thinking his name.


	46. Chapter 46

_"Our ships passed too late in the night for one of them to change course, Sam."  
-Red_

Leo was from Australia and he was friendly. He was a person who lived in the sun, so to speak. Louis felt good around him and they helped each other get around, work wasn't that easy to find when you don't stick around for very long. Leo laughed a lot and Louis found him just past India; traveling until he couldn't anymore, that was his plan.  
When they started moving towards Thailand and Indonesia, Louis asked him why he was alright going back to Australia. They were having beers on a porch at night and Leo laughed and elbowed him before answering.  
"I'm not running from home." Louis was surprised. It's how he learned that Leo payed more attention than he thought he did.  
Thailand, Indonesia, Malaysia, and every where in between was hot. Louis developed a tan that Leo commented on one day on a boat. It was a sail boat they'd hopped on for winning a gamble against some travelers in a hostel, earning a tag along trip. It was extremely lucky, and Louis almost didn't believe it. But, as he'd later find, boats were more of a commodity around here. He'd find his way onto a few more anyway.  
Laying on the flat, white deck of one of these boats, Leo lay next to him. The sky was clearer than glass and the water glittered around them.  
"Where do you come from to get skin that white?" The boat rocked with the waves and the chatter of two other people rolled in the back ground.  
"S'not that white." Louis chuckled, "This is nothing. I'd be considered a foreigner where I come from. It took a long bit from Western Europe to here to get this dark, anyway."  
"And?" Leo cawed, his voluminous voice exasperated, drawing a smile from Louis. "Where are ya from, then? Out with it, you know mine. I haven't even asked yet."  
"The states." Louis answered, and there was a time he wouldn't have been able to think of things like where he came from, much less say it. But it didn't hurt so much anymore.  
"I thought the U.S. was hot? Miami beach and all that?"  
"You assumed that everywhere between the Atlantic and the Pacific in was hot." He smirked, Leo rolled his eyes.  
"Yeah, yeah. Which bit are you from?"  
"North western." Louis mumbled, his eyes closed and the relentless sun burning through his eye lids. His smile softened and he sighed. "You could spend a weekend on the beach and not get a shade darker."  
"I can see why you left." He laughed.  
"I enjoy the cold, thanks."  
"Hard to think about enjoying the cold when you're from Australia." Leo muttered as Louis sat up, "Or, for that matter, when you're on a fucking boat in the Andaman - whatever - Sea."  
Before they could continue, the woman standing at the back of the boat with suntanned skin and a carefree smile bet them money for whoever could climb to the top of the mast first.  
Louis and Leo scrambled up and when Louis got to the top, he sat on the bar with the sail below him and his legs around the pole.  
The sun danced over the water - the green and blue water - and the land was so far in the distance it was hardly visible. From this high up, Louis could look down and see the reef below them and the movement of fish under the surface.  
The view was beautiful. 

-

_"Everybody has a soul mate. But they're usually on the other side of the bars, or the wall, or the planet from you. That's the way the universe works."  
-Red_

Louis sat on the beach with Leo. They'd made it to somewhere near Thailand and were adorned with bronze skin. The sun was setting over the ocean and it was indescribable, to most. Behind them trees crowded their white sand cove and a few locals got ready to go swimming. Louis let the water wash up over his feet as Leo cut a fruit next to him.  
"Can't have a beach like this without some fruit, yeah?" Louis rolled his eyes.  
"Whatever." Leo laughed and handed him half of the round fruit. It was colored like the sunset and dripped a little on his hands.  
"Where'd you get that tattoo?" After a while, he asked. Louis glanced up at him for a moment before looking back at the water.  
"Uh, Buenos Aires? You know where that is?"  
"Brazil?" Louis smiled and chuckled.  
"What's it in? What's that language?"  
"French, for those less cultured ones." He smirked. Leo nodded his head in amusement at him.  
"Yeah, yeah. You speak it?"  
"Eh, no. I don't, not much. This probably isn't even proper french. No one ever said anything about it, though. I'd suppose it's like Americans getting unknown Chinese words on them. 'Spoon'." Leo laughed.  
"You don't even know what it says?"  
"No, it's not like that, I do. It was just a joke." He gave him his dry look of amusement, biting a piece of the strange, sweet fruit.  
"You put something on your body - forever, mind you - without knowing if it was even proper in the language?"  
Louis sighed, feeling the lightheartedness in him become a bit more serious, though not dampening him completely. He still smiled a little bit.  
"I didn't write it, it was from someone else."  
"Ah, right. The past." Leo put his hands up, "Off limits."  
"Not off limits." Louis murmured, "I just don't see the point in talking about it. It's over now, anyways."  
"It must be bad then."  
He didn't answer for a few moments, chewing the last of his soft fruit and watching the sun liquefy on the horizon.  
"No. I wouldn't say that." He mumbled, "It's not all been bad. I just... I don't know. Try not to pick apart what's done."  
"Surprised you can say that. It gets rough sometimes."  
"Yeah. Yeah, it does." He nodded. "It's not all bad though. I don't know. I mean it gets rough, but it is what it is. Life's not all bad. Just gotta.. let go, I guess."  
"I sure hope I can let go like you have, then. Seems you're doing alright."  
Louis stopped for a moment. He thought of how many years it had taken to feel okay, and hoped Leo didn't learn to let go like he had. But, then, thinking across the world to where ever he was, where ever his brother was, where ever his home had once been for a short year and a half. All of the places he'd been able to find solace. He supposed he was doing alright. 

-

_"Hope that you fall in love, and it hurts so bad. The only way you can know is to give it all you have. And I hope that you don't suffer but take the pain. When the moment comes, you'll say I did it all. I owned every second this world could give. I saw so many places, the things that I did. With every broken bone, I swear I lived."  
-I Lived_

On a morning when the sun shone like it was mid-day, Leo decided to drag Louis up a mountain. It was hard and he groaned and sweat, but had fun competing with Leo up the trail. The summit was something he'd never forget, and when they reached the top they both were speechless. The clouds stretched before them endlessly, just below where they were. Through the breechless blanket of clouds emerged a few other summits, their tops green and the sun casting their shadow on the clouds around them. It was amazing. The clouds were a smooth sheet of softness stretching before them and obscuring their view. The sun played on them and the sky was wide open.  
"Christ." Leo whispered. And Louis agreed. He imagined what it would look like at night and what it looked like now was so beautiful. It made his heart feel okay as he trekked down the mountain, knowing he'd never forget it. Knowing he could never explain this to Jason, how beautiful it was. Know that he'd seen something beautiful and other beautiful things, and that he'd felt love. It was things like that which made his soul feel alright. 

-

_"Pauses, then says, you're my best friend. And you know what that is. He is in love._  
_You can hear it in the silence._  
_You can feel it on the way home._  
_You can see it with the lights out._  
_You are in love. True love."_  
_-You Are In Love_

It was a starry night in Malaysia and Leo was asleep in a barely afforded room when Louis decided to get some air. The field behind the delapidated motel was wide open and the stars looked so bright and heavy that he wondered if perhaps they would fall out of the sky and to the ground. He paused, not even bother to sit down as his shoulders drooped and he gazed upwards. It was a completely clean, unpolluted sky. He didn't remember ever seeing something that looked like this.  
He hadn't thought of Carter in about two months. Had only gently acknowledged him, able to let him go.  
But tonight he suddenly felt his eyes water up. He didn't know why. Why he was crying for sure. Neither did he know why he was thinking of him now, what made the difference, what did the trick when he hadn't thought of him in so long. But there was no stinging in his lids, just sudden tears. And he understood them and didn't resent them.  
His breath caught in his throat as he stared up at the sky, completely speechless. He thought he had never seen so many stars at once. He thought it had to be the most beautiful sky he'd seen. He could see every detail.  
_God. I wish Carter could see this._  
His heart wept. He didn't care if he saw it with him or not, he just felt the unbearable wish that Carter would see what he was seeing and know that the world was beautiful and could be just for him. He cried because he was in love. Because he always had been. Because he would always be. Would always love him through the pain of having given him away. Through every moment of being without. Would always be in love with the fact that he even existed. Would ache and would send his thoughts across the world that wherever he was, whatever he was doing, who he was with, that he was safe and that he knew he was loved.  
And that he knew the beauty in the world.


	47. Chapter 47

_"Brother, if you have the chance to pick me up. Can I sleep on your couch to the pound of the ache and pain? Oh, in my head, 'cause I'm awake all night long to the drums of the city rain.  
The lights we chase. The nights we steal. The things that we take, to make us feel. I can't go back, don't think I will. I won't sleep tonight as long as I still hear the drums of the city rain."  
-Brother_

Rain was pouring down over a muddy market street as he and Leo holed up in a small room with a balcony. He listened to the phone ring in his ear and Leo quietly watched the rain fall behind him.   
"Hello?" Jason's familiar voice filter through.   
"Hey, it's Louis." He smiled in reflex. He gained a fair bit of comfort at the sound of his voice.   
"Shit - hey!" He laughed, "Give me two seconds, stay on."  
He chuckled and nodded as he listened to voices in the background as Jason moved to a quieter place. "I'm just going to the porch, I'll... No, it's my brother. I'll be back."  
"Hey, sorry! Had some people over. How are you?"   
"I'm fine, I'm fine." He smiled, and it was true.   
"It's been four months since I talked to you, hasn't it?"   
"Just about five, actually." He huffed.   
"No worries, it's routine." He laughed.   
"Hows Jenna?" Louis asked. Jason moved about a year ago into a new apartment somewhere next to Portland, Oregon. It was a few hours from where they'd lived when he was home, and Jenna was a regular visit from what he understood now. A girlfriend, probably.  
"She's great, she's been great. She actually wants to meet you someday, I tell her about you sometimes."   
"Oh? Cool, then. I'm glad you're getting on with her."   
"Jesus, you never dropped that did you." Louis smiled.   
"What?"  
"The 'getting on' thing. You picked that up in the UK, and never dropped it."   
He laughed, "God, that was years ago. I can't believe it's been so long."   
"So, how's Luke - er - Leo?"   
"Leo, yeah." Leo lifted his head, humming in response. He waved him off with a smile. "He's good, we're doing alright. We're pretty well off working together."   
"Well off? How so, 'cause you seem to think a room for the night is well off."   
"It is well off!" Louis laughed.   
"Where are you now?"   
"We're in a little hotel sort of room in a kind of market town out here. It's pouring rain, so we're in for the day. Staying dry and all that."   
"Ah, I see. Good, good. I guess I'm not gonna meet your Aussie someday, am I?"   
"Probably not, no." He chuckled. They were quiet for a small moment.   
"How are you? You sound a little... I don't know. You sound alright."   
"I am. I am alright. I've been... I've been doing better."   
"I'm really glad to hear that." He murmured. "You always worry me."   
"Well, the last year has been... okay, actually. I have been - okay."   
"We never talked about.. you know. It - whatever it was. I just hope you know I was always around for you."   
"I know you were." He murmured. And though he was okay he tried to steer the conversation away from the subject. After about fifteen minutes of talking, they bid a goodbye.   
"I'll talk to you later."   
"Yeah, you too. And happy birthday. " Louis murmured sheepishly, "Probably won't hear from me next month, so... In advance."   
"Thanks." Jason chuckled. "I'll be here when you're ready."   
"I know." He smiled, "I'll see you later."   
"Later, Lou." And the nickname made his breath hiccup in his throat as the phone line dropped, but he breathed through it.   
It's been years, and it's just a name. 

-

_"Gone today, I might just see you around. It hurts but I understand if you can't find another reason not to stay. And while she's walking away she says, that she can't change for love. And she explains how long she's waited for. And as these days go by, well they can't change how long we've waited for."  
-Drugstore Perfume_

Leo was off with a new found friend on a blinding sunny day leaving Louis alone with a woman he'd befriended. Her name was Adalaide and she drove them out in a car that creaked when it moved, the pale orange pain chipping and the boxy frame pulling them along the coast line.   
She had a strange island accent he couldn't place, not that he tried. How many accents had he heard now, how many languages. Her skin was dark and her eyes slanted, thick black hair that flow down to her hips and practically smelled like the earth. She smiled a lot and had strength in her eyes. When they made it to the end of a road and parked, she lead him down a trail toward a beach with white sand and black stones that broke the foaming waves.  
She pulled off her shirt on the sand, her feet already in the water as she tossed the shirt behind her. Louis did the same and left them in their underwear.   
"It's just out here, and the waves aren't as strong as always, it'll be an easy swim." She murmured as she reached behind her back and unclasped her bra tossing it casually to the side. "You just have to make sure to breath a lot, if you're not used to strong swimming."   
"Uh - okay." He laughed, drawing her attention. It wasn't his first time seeing a topless woman, he'd been in plenty of threesomes and had even made out with some naked women back when in Brazil when he was more or less out of it. But her bluntness made him chuckle, still.   
"I guess where you come from, the girls are covered up a bit more." She laughed, bending over and wrapping her thick hair up into a tie.   
"Yeah, a bit. It's fine."   
"Good." She laughed, hitching her bottoms up on her hips more as they walked into the water. "The older women are more modest, but at my age we don't mind so much."   
And they padded into the water. It didn't take long for Louis to realize that what she considered manageable swimming was different for him. The waves pushed him back constantly and she stopped to call to him as they paddled in the tide.   
"What are you doing?"   
"I'm getting my ass kicked by waves!" He panted.   
"If you were paying attention to me you'd be as fast." She laughed.   
He huffed and panted in gentle amusement.   
"If you keep trying to push against the waves like that you're never going to get anywhere. You're not going to get the waves to yield to you."   
A frown pulled at his face, he hadn't thought he was being headstrong but it seemed he was and getting no where.   
"You have to duck under the waves. If you want to go, you have to go where the water does. You have to work with it. The waves are falling over the water that goes the opposite way, so when one comes, you just dive under it."   
So he did, the water sucking him under the wave and he stopped getting a stomach full of salt water. He followed her and thought to himself that she had just taught him how to swim like the water does.   
When they got out to a reef she stopped just over it and pulled the tie out of her hair, telling him how to dive and that it was okay if his ears popped and not to touch the urchins. When they dove under, she brought him to an urchin that wasn't poisonous and showed him how to press his finger in between it's spines, feeling the small creature squeeze his finger like a hug. She showed him the reef and he was amazed at how perfect it was. The sun cast it's rays into the water and he watched her swim, her hair flowing against her dark body as she helped him free dive. He swam through a school of tiny silver fish that made little tunnels around him as he went through them, the girl swimming in the tunnel behind him. He couldn't keep the smile off his face when he pulled himself up to the surface, breathing in the sunlight before diving down again.   
When she told him they should go back, he said he could stay longer and she explained he needed energy to get back to the shore and so they did. And when he pulled himself up on the shore he lay on his back completely limp, panting. She sat next to him, her strong limbs holding her up as she panted and laughed at him. He felt the warm water trickle down his body and breathed in the air, feeling the ocean wash over his legs as the sun dappled against his skin.   
They sat there for a while and she told him about this country, her home, and the sea. He sat up and listened to her talk about growing up on the beaches and learning that some people were born in places where they never even saw the sea growing up, something she couldn't imagine. She asked him about the places he had been and he told her all the beautiful things about them all, the beauty in South America and the lights in Rio. The rain in France, the cities in the UK, the architecture in all of Europe and all the countries he'd been to and what it was like driving through India and how he'd gotten here. She said she wanted to see it all too, someday.   
He even felt good being with her, the strange ambiance that came with different people. Hers was free and it made him feel the same way. 

-

_"You are second-hand smoke. You are so fragile and thin, standing trial for your sins. Holding on to yourself the best you can.  
You are the smell before rain.   
You are the blood in my veins.  
Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not.   
Glad that you can forgive, only hoping as time goes you can forget."  
-The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot_

The sun was rising over the horizon and it's light flow through the dashboard onto Louis and his friend. He sat in the passenger seat of a small car, drinking from a warm water bottle, the air between him and Leo in the driver's seat silent. The car parked on the side of a long road, they watched the early hours of the day occur. Leo took a deep breath and sighed it out, the sun making his light brown eyes gleam like liquid gold, the dust around him suspended.   
"Australia is just past that horizon." Leo murmured quietly. Louis didn't answer. He knew what this meant, it was simple.   
The end.   
Leo was going home. They hadn't been planning on him going home. In fact Leo had been wandering around when he'd found Louis and followed him. Now they were here, and Leo wasn't going to turn around. Louis knew it was the end of their road together, that it would be over soon. A year and ten months of the road together and it was bittersweet to see the end of it, which seemed to be marked with an Australian border. Bitter to know it's over, sweet to see Leo go where he knows he's needed.   
As for Louis, he wasn't sure what his road was going to do when it diverged from his friend's.   
He never had been, never knew and never cared where his road was going to. But he always knew it was running. He always knew that he didn't know. Now...  
"What was your favorite part of all this?"   
"Of what I've done with you?"   
"Yeah." Leo whispered. Louis almost couldn't answer it. For god's sake when the question had been posed his mind had knelt at his entire travels. He wondered how he could find a favorite moment out of every thing in between where he sat right now in this car with the sun rising through the windshield, to the car he'd gotten into back in the rainiest town in the United States without looking back. Once it had been cut down to the last year and ten months, a tiny portion of everything, he still didn't have an answer.   
His time with Leo. Around the time when he finally started feeling like he could breathe.   
"I... You first." Leo smiled at huffed a laugh, his golden eyes crinkling. Louis would miss him. Right now he was thinking of the time when Leo had taught him how to lie in a gambling game and had been caught when Louis accidentally let a fake card fall on the table. They'd run like hell was after them when really it was just some very angry gamblers with picked pockets.   
"It'd be a tie between... my first response is the cave. It was incredible. Probably won't ever see anything like that again." And Louis understood. The underwater cave they'd swam to, the fear that had taken them when they'd done it. The locals who had swam with them, some risky teenagers that Louis didn't fully trust but it didn't matter. The panic that had kind of gripped his muscles when he swam into the pitch black underwater tunnel, feeling his mind tell him to turn around. He'd felt Leo gripping his ankle in equal fear as they moved and how he'd reached the surface, gasping and his heart pounding. The feeling of freedom that came with the open water he rose through and the air in his lungs. And when it subsided and he opened his eyes he was shocked. The cavernous cave, the glowing worms against the ceiling. When he looked up it looked like the stars in the night sky, and they reflected in the water and illuminated the eyes of wonder he'd started looking through again. And when they had turned around he had trusted the tunnel and his lungs and his muscles, knowing the open water that awaited him and that he was strong.  
"But then... I always go back to first meeting you. Probably my favorite part of my trip. Yours has been much longer but mine's been kind of short... I don't know. Meeting you, probably. You're a good time."   
"Thanks, Leo." He mumbled, his heart a little warmer and the bitter a little more sweet.   
"Yours, go."  
"Uh..." Louis chuckled, "Probably that water fall back in the jungle."   
"Ah, that was so sick." Leo smiled, his teeth showing. "Why do you pick that one?"   
"Well..." He knew why, and his heart was quiet when he thought of it. The jungle had been sticky and hot and beautiful. The waterfall flow over a rocky drop, dropping onto a stone and flowing into a pond which fostered a river. He remembers standing on the slick, black stone and stepping under the water, feeling it come down on his shoulders. "I guess... It's hard to explain but I wasn't always alright with.. anything. For a long time, back before I headed east I was really - sad. To put it simply. But when we went to the water fall it was the first time I was okay with everything. I remember feeling it click in me. That it was alright."   
"That's valid." Leo whispered, looking away from the sun to Louis. "I hope you are alright. It'd be a shame to put some one like you to waste."   
They were quiet for a long time and in that time, the sun had gone from just slipping over the land to having risen to sprawl in the sky, the air having gone from the soft darkness of dawn to the burning climax of it.   
"Well, mate." Leo sighed. "What are we going to do when we get to Australia?"   
"Where are you going when we get there?"   
"Home. Think it's time."   
"Then I suppose I'm going to come with you until you're home. I'm gonna stop and get some money together."  
"You can actually come all the way home with me, there's a spare room in the family's house. You can wait 'till you're on your feet there."   
"Seriously?"   
"Yeah, that's if you want to. I thought it might be to personal for you, too tied."   
"No... That would be really helpful... That way we won't have to split so fast. I'll see your sisters, and maybe get your phone and that to keep in touch. I'll stay long enough to get enough money together. I think I know what I'm going to do..."   
Leo looked at him and for one moment his eyes felt like approval and softness.   
"Good."


	48. Chapter 48

_"Right before my eyes, I watched the whole world lose control. The whole world lost control, before my eyes. I fell through the floor, I couldn't take it anymore. I can't take this anymore, it breaks my mind."  
-Cage The Elephant_

Louis had enough money together before he was really ready, and he was slightly nervous now that it was time. It was okay though, he felt it was what he wanted.  
He sat on a bench on Leo's porch, a cell phone in his hands and a friend by his side.  
"You look worried." Leo smiled.  
"I'm nervous."  
"How long has it been, then?"  
Louis glanced at him and looked away sheepishly, causing Leo to lift his eyebrows.  
"Well? You never did tell me how long you'd been away from home before you met me."  
"It sounds so bad when I say it out loud." He grumbled.  
"How long?" He laughed at him. Louis sighed.  
"About seven years. It's been." Leo's mouth opened a bit and Louis cringed a bit.  
"You've been gone for almost a decade."  
"Yeah." Leo's brow twitched as he thought about it, scoffing in surprise.  
"What the hell... Did you and your brother not get along? Seven years seems like... a lot of running."  
"Me and my brother got along well. He's a good person."  
"Oh... Then what happened?" Louis sighed heavily.  
"I don't know. I just... Had someone and then didn't. I don't know what happened. It's been this long and I still don't know why I.. what happened. Never really figured it all the way out. It doesn't matter, though. I just never wanted to go home."  
"Oh.. Well, shit. Jason's in for a fucking surprise."  
"No kidding. Didn't think it'd be so nerve racking."  
They sat for a moment quietly before Leo left him with a pat on his shoulder. He looked at the phone in his hands and took a deep breath, dialing his brother's number.  
For some reason, the last seven years of his life ended when he heard Jason's voice on the other end. Every thing that he had become accustomed to seemed to be closed when he heard his brother. The lifestyle he'd acquired, he regarded as not his anymore.  
"Hello?"  
"Hey, Jason."  
"Well, that can only be Louis." Jason's smile came through.  
"Yeah."  
"You caught me at a weird time, I woke up like twenty minutes ago." He chuckled. Louis' stomach reminded him he was a bit nervous again.  
"Sorry."  
"You're still staying with Leo in Australia, hm?"  
"Yeah, I am."  
"Well, what's up? You're being quiet."  
"Right, sorry. I just.. um."  
"Yes?"  
"I needed to tell you something, I'm just kind of nervous."  
"Oh... Are you... Are you hurt?"  
"No! I'm fine."  
"Did you.. find- Are you staying in Australia with Leo?"  
"No." He murmured, swallowing. "I have a plane ticket to Portland."  
He may not have made a single sound while Jason processed it, the line quiet for a few moments.  
"You mean Portland, Oregon."  
"Yes."  
"Are you serious?" Louis' stomach dropped and he swallowed, suddenly feeling a bit too hot. Suddenly feeling terrible about the whole thing.  
"I- yeah - yes. I know it's been a long time but I kind of feel like - that - it's time, I suppose. I know it's a shock, I don't know how to say it-"  
"This is amazing! I - I can't believe this. You're serious? You're really coming back?"  
"Yes." He was still for a moment.  
"I... I don't know what to say." Jason laughed, "I'm - I won't get too excited. I know how things are." He exhaled in relief.  
"No, I'm coming back. I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it." He breathed.  
Jason was quiet for a while.  
"It's going to be good to see you, Louis."  
"It's going to be good to see you too." He whispered. "Being on a plane is going to be weird."  
"You being in the same country as me is going to be weird, Louis." He dead panned and Louis closed his eyes. He felt a strange heaviness in his chest. Like wearing wet clothes, but it wasn't a bad feeling.  
Going home was going to be letting go. And he felt the sad part of him refusing to go home. That he was still sad. That he was still mourning. That he wasn't alright, that going home was not okay. That he was still half a heart. Was still not quite there. That he was not done missing Carter.  
But other, finally more dominant part of him. The part that was healthy. That part was ready to go home. He could only give the sadness in him sympathy. He understood. But it's been seven years, and his whole life, and it's time to learn to let go.  
"Yeah, it'll be weird. It's okay, though. We'll... adapt." He smiled.  
"Yeah."


	49. Chapter 49

_"If you're gone, maybe it's time to come home.  
If you're gone, baby you need to come home."  
-Goo Goo Dolls _

Being picked up from the airport felt strange. Everything from landing in the country to being in the port felt strange. He felt the initial discomfort like a brick wall with a flashing neon sign and plane guides with flourescant batons pointing back onto the plane, telling him to get the hell out of here. Looking around and seeing the Americans in this airport with all of their cell phones and laptops and collective similarities, Louis felt a little suffocated.   
He's been running for seven years. Breathing free air for that long. Being with strangers constantly meant that he could be nothing at all to every person he met. No past, no understandable present, no future, no story. And yet at the same time it meant he could chose to be whatever and whoever he wanted to be. He'd been essentially homeless for years. He'd grown wide eyes, after having lost them; had learned to let go and to heal even when he didn't want to.  
Now he felt slightly disoriented, which was so ironic in his head because now he had security. He had a ride coming to get him, someone waiting to support him, a home he had to go to. And now he felt unsure of where to go next.   
He had to smother his initial instincts of getting a ride from someone, from finding a hostel or a companion or finding food. Of moving right away. Of getting on his feet because that's what meant he was stable. Now he didn't know what he was supposed to do. He felt strange. Was he just going to stand in this airport?   
He didn't have to wait long. Before he knew it he heard his name being called in excitement, immediately followed by a pair of arms that crushed him to a chest. He was tense for a short moment at the embrace before his head processed the brief image of Jason running at him. He exhaled and returned the hug, wrapping his arms tentatively around his brother. His hands held back unsure before the warmth of him set into his thoughts and he hugged back properly. He felt warm, and calm. He didn't feel tears or pain or intensity, just soft repose. A return.   
Jason was still a few inches taller than him and when he pulled back, his face came into view and for some reason Louis stared for a moment. He'd never forgotten what he looked like, and had always imaged it when they had spoken, but now he felt a tremor from seeing it again.   
"You look different now." Jason mumbled under his breath, his eyes darting around him, taking him in. Louis felt himself recovering quickly, as he had taught himself to do.   
"Uh-" He croaked, swallowing down the speechlessness. "What do you mean?"   
His brow pulled together, his hands falling from Louis' frame. "Well, actually, you still look exactly like I remember. A little more twenties and a little less teens... But the eyes... hair... cheeks... it's all still there." He smiled and before speaking again. "You're definitely different though."   
He didn't know what to say to that. That didn't surprise him. He felt different, though he still felt exactly who he was, he did feel different. Like with every mile he put behind him when he'd left home he had changed a little bit. Grown. Adapted. Eventually healed, he hopes.   
"It's good to see you." He mumbled, the smile fading from his mouth. He didn't smile as much as he used to, he still did of course, but not so needlessly. He supposed he'd been calmed after this time. The bluntness seemed to surprise him, and Louis would find that relationships with the people at home would be different than the ones he'd made on the road. On the road things moved quickly, just like he just done he usually skipped formalities. But at home people weren't going to lay themselves so bare, because these weren't strangers that would be gone too quickly to give you a reason to be mindful of what you'd done in the beginning of the relationship. It was quick and intense.   
"It's good to see you too." Jason smiled, hugging him again.   
As they left the airport Louis didn't speak much. He didn't nearly as much as he used to, and in this situation with the return from the world he was much more absorbed in his head anyways. Jason looked at him strangely for a moment before asking him.   
"Where's your stuff?"   
Louis smiled and nodded over his shoulder to his backpack. It was smaller than the one he had left with.   
"Are you kidding me? How... Is that the same thing you packed when you left?"   
"No, that one was stolen a long time ago. The next one was dropped in a river, strangely enough. This is the third."   
"My brother is a fucking vagabond." Jason rolled his eyes, much like the way Louis knows that he himself does. He smiled softly, thinking that name didn't fit him. But he didn't mind.  
And as he got into Jason's car, his heart soft, he thought to himself.   
_Was a vagabond._

-

_"Take me to the place where you go where no body knows if it's not our day."  
-Don't Look Back In Anger, Oasis_

Walking into Jason's apartment was strange.   
He had become so accustomed to the world and the way it changed constantly, and how wild and free it was, that he never realized how vividly exotic it was. Now as he felt his feet sink into the carpet and the scent of home cloaked him, he realized how truly wild the places he'd run to had been.   
"You alright?" Jason asked, regarding his still figure in the threshold. Louis looked at him before returning his gaze to the living room and the kitchen to the left of it, the hallway that must lead to the two bedrooms Jason had told him about.   
"Um... Nothing, it just smells like... the old apartment. Home." He mumbled. They stood quietly as Louis looked it over and Jason waited for him, probably feeling strange to have his little brother in his house again.  
"Jenna comes over quite frequently but I let her know to give you a day or two. Just so the place is empty for you for a bit."   
"No, that's fine. Thank you... I'm fine." He laughed. It was strange being coddled after so long of being virtually homeless and sleeping in dirty hostels with people storming in and out all night long.   
He walked back in the hallway and found Jason's room before looking at the adjacent. The guest room that Jason had kept in case he ever came home. It was empty other than a bed and a dresser.   
"Is that..." He pointed at it.   
"Yeah, the same one. No point in throwing it away." He didn't reply but smiled because it had been an unused dresser for seven years which seems like a valid reason to trash a dresser.   
He sat on the bed and slipped his backpack off of his shoulders, Jason leaving quietly. When he looked up at the closet he sighed. At the top was three cardboard boxes and right next to it sat a small, dusty gift box with a strip of ribbon next to it. He chose to look away from it. Later when he looked through the cardboard boxes he was pleased to find that he didn't feel bad when he was jolted into his teenage life.   
He didn't sleep through the first night.   
He tried, shifting the unusually comfortable bed and eventually getting up and going outside on the porch with the house phone. It was a bit late in the century to be using house phones, it was a bit of a thing of the nineties as he would know, but it was safer for Jason to have a phone Louis could call if the cell phone was dead. With so few calls and such distance between, each one was important to receive and, in the seven years he'd been gone, Jason had missed exactly three.   
On the back porch of the apartment he pulled the sliding glass door closed and leaned on the railing. It was a nice view he found pleasingly. It was simple. A town and in the distance a city. He couldn't help think back to the balconies he'd been on before and the views they held.   
After four quiet rings the call picked up.   
"Hey, this Louis?" Leo chirped.   
"Yeah." Louis smiled widely.   
"Good, that would have been awkward if it wasn't. Been waiting for an unknown number."   
"Thanks for picking up." He laughed.   
"What are you doing?" Louis looked out over the quiet night and the Oregon clouds that obscured the stars. Then down at his loose clothing and pajamas, surprised at how domestic it was. He didn't normally sleep in pajamas ever anymore. He'd gotten used to sleeping in briefs or just fully clothed.   
"I'm on the balcony at my brother's place. I'm wearing actual pajamas."   
"How is it? Being back?" He was quiet for a moment.   
"It's... it's not bad. It's just weird. I definitely feel... not adjusted yet. I couldn't sleep, that's why I called."   
"Wow." He murmured.   
"Yeah... It's really weird. Being in America again even, everyone speaks perfect English. Most of them only speak English. I went into the kitchen early to figure everything out and I couldn't stop looking at all the brands of everything. And the toilets flush the other way again. And... when I walked in I remembered what the old house smelled like."   
"Are you okay?" Leo asked. When he spoke his accent actually comforted Louis. The American accent had become foreign to him.   
"I am... I just haven't fully grasped it yet. My head keeps looking ahead to make myself stable for whenever I leave. I keep like... anticipated the next movement and realizing there is none."   
"You sound like you're gonna cry." Louis rolls his eyes.   
"Then you've never heard me cry."   
"I don't think I have." And they chuckled together. Louis sought comfort in something that wasn't so majorly home. A cushion from culture shock. Something he'd spent seven years not feeling even though in those seven years he'd found more cultures he'd ever expected finding. Coming home was like stepping in water. It was all backwards, but he was okay.   
"I didn't expect you to call so soon." Leo spoke after they talked about Leo's sisters asking when Louis was coming back, saying his mother was going to miss him being there to appreciate her coffee in the morning.   
"I thought I could use a friendly voice."   
"Do you think we're going to keep this up?" Leo asked, his voice serious and quiet. Louis frowned.   
"I don't know."   
"Neither do I."   
"I'm not going to call that much... But we'll see I guess. No matter what, it doesn't matter. You're my friend, and if we don't really... keep up someday that doesn't mean you aren't still my friend."   
"That's easy for you to say, you got used to letting go of friends pretty fast."   
"You're not one of those kinds of friends, but you're probably right about that..."   
"We did some pretty cool shit together." Leo mumbled and Louis smiled, thinking about the brightest part of seven years and how lucky he was that he had met Leo in that part of it. If he had met him any earlier they wouldn't have stuck together.   
"We did... And I'll always be here if you need to call. If you ever come to America I'll always be here. And you'll always be my friend." He murmured the last.   
"Yeah... I won't forget you too easy." Leo joked.   
And eventually they hung up, leaving Louis with a feeling that was warmer than before. When he went back to his room he fell asleep quickly and heavily. 

-

_"You asked me what I want this year and I tried to make this kind and clear. Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days."  
-Better Days_

 

The first few weeks were strange for both of the brothers as Louis got into the swing of Jason's routine. He found himself coming along with Jason when he left the house after the first week. Normally he didn't have time to stop at all when he was traveling, but after he'd gotten it through the wiring in his head, he spent the first week sheltering himself and adjusting; it was a privilege that he wanted to try out.  
After he had though, he came with Jason any time he left the house, getting out and enjoying the car rides.   
It wasn't for about three months before Louis decided to take the car out and go somewhere.   
On the drive home from the airport, right when Louis had come back, he and Jason had had a small conversation on the way.   
"Are you okay?" Jason had asked. He nodded.   
"I'm okay. It's just... a lot to take in at once. Gonna take some adjusting. I haven't been here in so long."   
"Well, you don't have to see the actual town if you don't want to."   
Louis swallowed, unable to meet his eyes.   
"Has it... changed?"   
"Not at all."   
And, when Louis took the car back to the sleepy, tiny, rainy town he'd grown up in, that was true. Louis would find that it almost seemed like the world had frozen when he'd left here. Nothing changed at all, all of the same people still lived there, still did the same weekly things, the same people still worked at the picture show; and while Louis felt a thousand years away from the past, it seemed like this place was only seven years older.   
And not much different.   
There are a few differences though, one of them being a department store. Large, tall, the faded paint chipping away from the stone, and a large name above the door with birds nesting in it and parts of letters gone.  
The furniture store.  
He stood in front of it today, his hand squeezing his keys just a little too tightly. The car behind him was the only one in the small, empty, grass ridden parking lot. The pavement around the store had weeds growing out of the cracks in the cement.   
He walked towards the sliding glass door and pushed it open.   
He didn't know what he had expected to find when he got here. He barely knew why he wanted to come here. He'd painted his name all over this town, and if he wanted to see the past he only had to drive through it, but this was the only place he felt safe going to. And it was empty. The store had nothing in it except for check out stands with unattached wires, tall empty isles and pedestals for mattresses that weren't there anymore.   
He walked through the store and felt strange. Like he was fine but he wasn't. Like the eye of the storm. Calm.   
Without even thinking about where he was going, before he knew it he was standing in front of a slightly open door with the words 'employees only' at the very back of the store. He stared at it for a moment before pulling the creaking door open and walking inside.  
Empty.  
He stood for a moment and wondered why he expected the storage room to have the same things in it. The same stacked mattresses, the same tiny cave back in the far corner.   
He felt his knees give and he crumpled onto the floor, blinded by tears. He sat for a while, holding his head in his hands and crying mindlessly before he thought again.   
_What am I doing in here? What made me think this was a good idea? Why did I want to come here? Why am I even crying? I haven't felt bad in months. I've been fine, even since being home. More importantly, where along the way in my life, did I allow myself to get to this point. To weeping in an empty storage room of an abandoned fucking department store._  
He shook his head in his hands as his sobs receded, wrapping his arms around himself and exhaling heavily. His blurry eyes didn't see much except the grey, dark interior of this empty room. He pressed his forehead against his knees and let the tears dry out.   
When he was ready he got up and walked away, emerging into the daylight. Looking up at the clouds he found the same skyline that he had grown up seeing and his stomach felt sick. Out of the after cry numbness, he felt the aching remembrance of one cold autumn day. The pink cheeks and the clouds of breath around two mouths as they held hands so tightly, crawling into a car with lips that were just a little cold and still tingling.  
The weather hadn't changed.  
He wiped his cheeks and blinked in an effort of strength and healthy thinking.  
How many months had he gone on the road without thinking of why he was running?  
How many months had he spent here just a few miles from this town without thinking of what had made it so beautiful.  
How many months had he gone being strong? And being healthy? And functional? And stable? And not thinking about him? And even feeling fine?  
He could do it again. He was alright. Life was good and he knew that. He didn't have time to continue relapsing into these pitiful crevasses. But he didn't feel wrong for having done it. He'd confronted the past. He'd faced it instead of trying to pretend it hadn't happened. He didn't know if he felt better or worse, but at least he'd gotten it done.   
He got in the car and took a few deep breaths before driving away from the furniture store, and he didn't even feel terrible when he drove down those roads he'd grown up on.   
He didn't ever believe that he was strong. He'd always suffered and tried to kill it instead of living with it and dealing with it.   
But today, even after a good two and a half years of feeling good about life again, he felt like he could finally call himself strong.


	50. Chapter 50

_"Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer, do you know you're unlike any other._  
_You'll always be my thunder._  
_Your eyes were the brightest of all the colors, I don't want to ever love another._  
_You'll always be my thunder."_  
- _Thunder, Boys Like Girls_

After a few months, Louis got a job. It wasn't much but it was just enough to help him get back into school.  
Jason was more than happy to see Louis going to school and starting this part of his life, if late. He was so happy he drove Louis to the store and bought champagne and a new years hat from a dollar store, even though it was months from New Years and they had to find a dusty celebration section in a quiet dollar store, making Louis laugh for a full night. He offered to help with rent, but Jason told him he wanted him to keep the money for community college he was at.  
It was fun for him and, after his first semester at music school, he had never been more healthy in the seven years since things had changed.  
He suffered an unfortunate run in with Alexia at the grocery store and even handled it well.  
He leaned against the basket in the soup isle playing with the keys in his hand, thinking about how untouchable the soup in Lyon, France was. It wasn't normal for him to run into people he'd grown up with because of the move Jason had made, but it turned out Alexia was working in Portland  
"Louis?" Her curious voice rang. He looked up at her, meeting her eyes. In all this time, she had retained her youthful spring and grown her wavy hair out, now free and framing her face. Her eyes were bright when she looked at him, and he would be damned an image of go carts and a Polaroid camera didn't pop into his head.  
"Alexia." He smiled, standing up and accepting her hug. It made him feel warm as she carelessly threw her arms around him and hugged him.  
"How long has it been!" She chimed, her warm eyes bright.  
"Seven years." He answered, knowing just how long it had been since he was eighteen.  
"How are you? I can't believe I ran into you, tell me how you are."  
"I'm fine, I'm in music school at the college. What about you?"  
"That makes sense." She laughed. "I'm in Portland with my boyfriend, Jasey, do you remember him?"  
"Yeah, yeah, totally. That's awesome. You like it?"  
"Oh yeah, it's been amazing. I started college really late, and so now we're both working minimum wage and affording an apartment and school, but it's amazing. We both love it so much."  
And they stood in the isle as Louis listened to Alexia tell him about the life that he could have had if he had stayed. He didn't even hurt that bad, he just saw it in the back of his head. What college and first apartments would have looked like if he had stayed. But he tried not to dwell. They talked about what the rest of their friends were doing and he learned that some of them were finishing degrees, some of them were still doing exactly the same thing that they were doing when he left, and some had moved away.  
"What happened after high school? You just... disappeared." And he saw it in her eyes, saw exactly what she thought, that he and Carter had disappeared. Fuck they were practically the same person in high school, it was no surprise she had to work to separate them in her sentence. But she was an intuitive girl, and anyone who had seen them would have known something wasn't right just by looking at Louis, so she seemed to shield her curiosity gently.  
"I... uh, I went traveling, actually."  
"Really? That's amazing! Where did you go?"  
He knew that the travel he had done was different than what she was thinking of, that it was not amazing for a good portion of it.  
"Well - A lot of places. I just got back about six months ago." That surprised her, her mouth opening.  
"Are you serious?"  
"Yeah." He smiled politely, finding it hard to retell his travel stories. He'd already done a lot of it with Jason and Jenna, knowing that anyone who knew what he had done would want to know how it was. He never was excited to explain it to others, felt no urge to share it. It was a necessity and he had fallen in love with that part of his life, had been healed by it. It wasn't something he felt anxious to recount to everyone.  
"What - I get the feeling I shouldn't ask but if I don't I probably won't know. Me and my brother asked Jason at one point what... happened and didn't get any answers. We didn't really know Miss Rose -" And, even though he knew where this was going, the sir name still hit him like she had kicked him in the stomach and he was lucky that seven years had diluted some of his attachments. " - so we never asked her, but we never saw you or Carter. What happened...? To him?"  
He swallowed, shifting. Fuck. Seven years and he still didn't want to talk about this.  
"I don't... know." He mumbled, feeling stumped. It was strange. He was a very good conversationalist, and he didn't have a minuscule clue of how to answer this. "It's been a long time, I don't really know."  
Fucking hell. He felt fine. It wasn't even that bad, but telling another person that he didn't know what happened to him still made him feel that dark pit in his chest mull around. Growing up he was used to know everything about him, and believing that it was his privilege to do so only.  
"Oh, okay." She nodded, and she must have been able to smell the rejection in the air so she gracefully receded. "Well, it's been really amazing seeing you again, Louis. I've really missed you. You were so much fun growing up, you always had a good time. You were always nice to us, and to be around."  
And he shared his goodbyes, feeling warm in the bask of her affection, holding her back when they hugged goodbye. He had always liked her, and even though he didn't love greeting his past, he did like seeing her.  
When she walked away he exhaled heavily, winded but fine. It wasn't that bad anyways. His love for that unassuming, heartbreakingly beautiful boy, the boy who had made his teenage years into a dream, the wide eyed, quiet, kind, patient, oblivious boy, had become a background track. He would normally hate it, but he had learned that it was a good thing. He didn't feel so much anymore. Not for the boy that had made a portion of his life so unrealistically beautiful, had enshrined his childhood into light. He didn't even know why he loved him so much. But it wasn't so bad anymore.  
Carter was an old album that played in a CD player, on low. The volume turned down over the years until Louis could tune it out. He knew that, someday, the music would stop playing and the CD would lay motionless in the player. He didn't know if he wanted that, but he knew it wasn't right to think that way anymore. Hell, it had been seven years. It was practically childish.  
His childish heart was none the less happy that, even if the CD stopped turning, it would always be there in the player.  
A reminder of a track list that would never be replaced. 

-

 _Will you take a moment. Promise me this. That you'll stand by me forever. But if, God forbid, fate should step in and force us into a goodbye. If you have children someday, when they point to the pictures. Please tell them my name._  
Long live the walls we crashed through.  
How the kingdom lights shined just for me and you. And I was screaming long live all the magic we made, and bring on all the pretenders, I'm not afraid. Long live all the mountains we moved, I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you. And long live the look on your face.  
One day, we will be remembered."  
-Long Live

 

They needed paperwork on the car.  
For a reason that Louis didn't even understand, the car was in need of work. An unfortunate turn of events, really. It's been nine months since he's been home. And he feels happy.  
"Where the hell is it?" Jason muttered, shuffling through kitchen drawers of junk as Louis looked through shelves of books. After plenty of unsuccessful searching, Louis wandered into Jason's room. He searched the top of the dresser, in the bookshelf, and even through the pockets of the pants he'd left on the floor, hoping he could tease him about it if he found it. When he looked through the bedside table he was hopeless, shuffling through receipts and a few promising looking birth certificates but find nothing. And he was almost going to shut the drawer, ready to give up, when a square of paper fluttered over face up. Small and in Polaroid form, a picture stared up at him with blinding eyes. He must have looked strange, completely motionless, still half curved over the drawer.  
The picture was almost too bright for the film, but not too bright of course. That would be too easy. He saw himself, probably on the cusp of seventeen and eighteen, on the beach. He was shirtless, swimming shorts on, face so staggeringly young and innocent. He could see it in his face that he had no idea what his life was going to lead into. Draped around his own shoulders was an arm, the broad hand grasped tightly in his own smaller one, his side pressed against the other's, and his mouth pressed against Carter's.  
A sandcastle behind them.  
He felt honestly nauseated. Then he felt immediately pathetic. But it couldn't be helped as he looked at the first visual he'd had of him in seven years. He squeezed his eyes shut and stood up, backing a few steps away. It was hard to think through the strange blend of confusing emotion. Mostly he wanted to recoil, back up, and give up before he'd seen the picture.  
"Louis?" Jason called, his footsteps coming closer until they stopped in the doorway. His back to Jason, he knew his shoulders were stiff and he tried to recover. It's just a picture.  
"Louis..." His voice came quiet this time and Louis knew that he knew what he had seen.  
"Why do you have this." He forced out, his brow creased, more of a statement than a question.  
"The picture...?" His voice was gentle and unsure, agitated Louis more. He didn't need gentle. He was fine. He'd been happy for a long, long time now.  
"Why is it here?" He snapped.  
"Alexia brought it with her when she came to see what happened to you."  
He shook his head, still not understanding why it was even here.  
"I'm going out." He muttered, turning around and brushing past his brother into the hallway, making a steady line for the door.  
_"Louis."_ Jason snapped and, in the middle of the living room, he faltered at the tone. "Don't run out."  
He turned around, his eyes sharp. The words only worked him up past how he actually felt. Just seeing a picture wasn't enough to make him break, but waving his biggest mistake in his face made him feel irrational things.  
_"You shouldn't even have that thing in here!"_ He didn't know why he said it. He didn't resent Jason for having it, but maybe he was bitter. It seemed, in that moment, that no matter how happy he felt there would always be something to come back and bite him.  
"Before you start yelling, listen to yourself. You're acting like it's more than a picture."  
"It's always more than a picture! _It will always be! It always fucking comes back!_ " His hands curled into frustrated fists, and maybe he was just emotional today. He'd already done his yelling. He'd already had his fits about this. But it seemed so unfair that a picture like that was in this house when he had created a safe place for himself. "I'll fucking yell if I want to! I shouldn't have to see a picture like that!"  
"Why not! I don't even know what happened, and you act like it's impossible to let go. When are you going to quit holding onto this?" It was so unfair. And yet it was perfectly fair, and Louis accepted that.  
_"I already learned how to do that!_ Don't you think I'd fucking let it go if I could! Don't you think I want to!"  
"No! I think you're too fucking stubborn for that!"  
"Fuck you." He muttered. "Maybe I am, but it's not like I don't try. I can't fucking let go, he's a part of me. It's not like something in my hand I can loosen my grip on, it's each and everyone of my fingers. Don't you think I feel kind of idiotic for never getting over it."  
"What happened, Louis? I asked Lauren and she said you had a fight... but she didn't know either."  
Fuck if her name didn't get under his skin too. He loved her as well. And the more he asked, the more he felt himself struggling not to shut him out.  
"I don't know what happened." He spit.  
"You act like he died! It's been years, Louis! Being happy most of the time is fine, but when are you going to actually quit?"  
He crossed his arms and felt the fight leave his muscles. There wasn't much left of it anyways, and the pain really isn't as bad as it was.  
"I don't know what happened." He muttered, walking to the couch and sinking onto it. They were quiet for a few moments as Jason sat on the edge of the coffee table near the couch, letting the silence speak. Louis felt pathetic again, like he shouldn't care anymore.  
"I was afraid of what you'd do if you saw the pictures... But I didn't know what to do with them. It felt wrong to throw it away. I didn't know if you would appreciate a memory someday."  
"I'm fine..." Louis mumbled, his eyes a tinged with helplessness. "I really am. I don't know why I do this..."  
Jason didn't respond for a long time.  
"I don't know how to stop loving him. I don't even know _why._ Don't you need to be with someone? To love them? I swear I've let go of the pain, not all of it, but almost. That's what I was _doing_ for so long. Learning how to stop dragging this out. I just get mad because... It never goes away. And I fucking gave up everything, Jason. I... ruined things. I don't know how to stop. I never can stop caring. Sometimes I think about everything we did and how perfect I see him, and it gets so real. And... Sometimes it's like I can go a week and live my life like he never even happened, but sometimes I'm thinking about what his kids would look like. And did he find someone else - or is he happy - I don't know, it's just frustrating sometimes. It's frustrating that I can't forget it." He sighed heavily, feeling slightly rung out.  
Jason's sympathy was clear in his eyes.  
"I'm really sorry, Louis." He whispered.  
"I am sometimes too but, I swear, mostly I'm not. No matter how much I wish I could go back... For a moment he made the entire world shine like it was perfect. He put everything in place for me and didn't even mean to. I'd never take that back. I'd never take him back."  
"You're really okay?" Jason insisted. "Because it seems like you are, but..."  
"I never saw a picture of him... After... So seeing it was kind of hard. But I feel good, have for a while now. Since before I came back."  
"I hope so." He mumbled. "Do you want me to... throw it away? I mean, I can but..."  
"No. It's okay, just keep it in your room please." He huffed halfheartedly, trying to smile a little. "I'm sorry... about this. I know it was irrational. I just haven't said those things... ever."  
And later that night, when he went to sleep, he curled his hand around his back and ran his fingers over the hand scripted letters painted into his skin. He felt at peace as he decided that it was okay.  
If he one day forgot what it felt like to love him. If he one day no longer hears the music that Carter had made sing for him. If he no longer remembers the way his breath felt on his face during their tentative first kisses. If he no longer remembers how hot the tears in his throat felt when he broke his own heart. If he no longer remembers what true, unreigned love felt like.  
There was nothing to regret. He had loved.


	51. Chapter 51

_"When I was younger I used to be wild. As wild as an elephant's child.  
I don't think I'll ever change.  
I think I'm going to stay the same."  
-Holiday_

A year passed since the day Louis came home. Things have been good, and the worst Louis has felt was a brief mild spell of regret. But, mostly, he is happy.   
He has an idea that he knows is mildly bad. It seems bad. He knows he has let go and that he should leave what has been left in the past. And he knows Jason wouldn't agree to him doing this either.   
But for the last nine or ten months, he's been working over time and as much as he possibly can subconsciously. Saving everything that wasn't absolutely necessary. It started as just a background thought and a notion of 'it would only be a good thing to earn extra money', but progressed into patch work thinking throughout his day about how he can accumulate money.   
And all the while, every night as he goes to bed, his eye catches on a small box the size of his lap with a length of ribbon laying next to it.   
Eventually he carded through all of his money, his desire in his head, feeling like he knew he was childish and pathetic, and deciding he had always been dramatic so why stop now. That day, when he had decided to decisively count his money, he waited until he knew Jason was asleep to close the door to his room.   
He felt like he was doing something he knew he shouldn't, but on the other hand he didn't mind. Reaching up to the top of his closet on his toes, his fingers pulled down the box. He hadn't touched it in eight years and felt a little jump of energy in his body as it settled into his hands. Covered in dust, he brushed it off and sat on the bed. That night he opened it and looked at every one of the pictures inside, having a hard time forgetting the Christmas day he had spent when he received it. But it was frozen in time so to speak and it wasn't his anymore. So he just carded through them all, finding the picture he had accidentally found in his pocket that day in South America, returned safely to the box.   
All the pictures of all of the places Carter wanted him to see were in here. He wanted to see them. He realized that in all of that time and all of the traveling he had done, he hadn't seen a single one of the places that Carter had spent his teenage years wishing that he could have. If he didn't do this, he probably wouldn't ever see the places held inside the pictures. If he weren't so okay with everything now, he would not be doing this. He didn't feel regret now that he had done the bad thing, he didn't feel sorrow at the loss, he didn't feel want anymore to get it back. He felt okay, and it had taken him years to attain that.   
So now, if not for himself, for teenage Carter's wish he wanted to see every place in the box of pictures. 

-

_"Looking at it now, it all seems so simple.  
You took a Polaroid of us and then discovered.   
The rest of the world was black and white but we were in screaming color.  
Remember when we couldn't take the heat, I walked out and said, "I'm setting you free."  
But the monsters turned out to be just trees. And when the sun came up, you were looking at me."   
-Out of the Woods_

He felt anticipation as he sat Jason down on the couch one day, knowing this would be an important conversation. It was strange that he was even doing it. For seven years, and most of his childhood, he had lived a life on principle of going where ever he wanted, whenever he wanted without telling a soul. Perhaps age made him softer. Twenty six felt like fifty to him when he looked back at his life.   
Jenna made herself food in the kitchen, giving them distance as Louis sat next to him to talk. She was kind, he had grown to like her.  
"Is something wrong?"   
"No." Louis shook his head, "It's fine. I'm just -" It seemed harder to say this than he thought.  
"I'm going to Italy for a while."   
Jason stilled, looking blank.   
"You said you were done."   
"It's not like that, I promise. I just need to go see something. I'm coming back this time."   
"You know how you are, Louis... You might... Forget to come home. You have a life here. A job and an education. What about music school? You're getting close to finishing the first part."   
"I won't. I've already set a return date to expect. I still want to finish school... When I left I knew I wasn't coming back home, and I didn't tell you I was. I'm coming back this time, this is just for a few weeks. Not even two months."   
Jason's brow stayed set for a moment, thinking about the prospect of letting him go again. He knew better than to assume he had any sway on his wild heart then and he knew that now too. The only person who had ever had that was Carter, and Louis had given it to him willingly. Staying in with him even when it almost killed him.   
"You're coming back?"   
"Yes, I promise. Besides, you can get me off your hands for a while." He joked, trying to assure him half heartedly.  
"Okay... I know I can't stop you that's for sure." He murmured.   
And so Louis booked a flight in the next few days, feeling strange for the break of domestic life.  
His mind briefly thought that perhaps this was a bad idea. But it had never stopped him before, and he felt that he needed to see these places before he died.   
The road had never failed him before either.


	52. Chapter 52

_"The drought was the very worst. When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst.  
It was months and months of back and forth. You're still all over me like a wine stained dress I can't wear any more.  
Hung my head as I lost the war and the sky turned black like the perfect storm.  
Rain came pouring down, when I was drowning that's when I could finally breathe.   
By morning, gone was any trace of you. I think I am finally clean."  
-1989_

He made it to Italy for his last mission. The decision to see everything that was in the box and to be done with it. The little parcel of the pictures was in the passenger seat next to him.   
Louis felt good.   
Probably the most peaceful he had been since eight years ago. He'd been very healthy in the last part of his travel, back in Indonesia and Malaysia, but he was probably more at peace now than even then.   
It was probably a mix of things.  
Mostly, it was the reminiscent feeling of freedom he was suddenly getting as he drove on the road. But it was also that he was on his own, without any companions for help. He was alone and free and he didn't feel any pain.   
There was a moment, as Louis drove onto a wide open road with no one on it that he rolled the window down. The air soared through his hair and against his face and he breathed deeply. He felt strange. And free. Opening his eyes to the sun, his heart fluttered and he was on his own again. He felt the world welcoming him home and the freedom in his blood.   
He smiled.  
In a strange way it felt like coming home.   
It was strange to be sleeping in hotels. He hadn't traveled in a while, and this time was much different than what he had done for those years. this time he was using an actual car. Which he drove. Alone. He had a bag of clothes and a phone. He slept in hotels but usually in the car to save money, able to be without the host of others. He was comfortable, though. He had used people, though he had a general love for them, to distract himself. So it had worked for the time, but he enjoyed being alone. it seemed he enjoyed it far more than he did as a child. He was glad he could go back to his car or room and lay on the couch and sleep alone. It was luxurious travel in the eyes of someone who had been virtually homeless for seven years, far different from the times he had ached from hunger and done any means to get by. It was mildly amusing for him, being so soft.  
His favorite part of it was driving. Though he didn't need the travel the way he did before, the road still called quietly to his heart and he whispered back longings to return to it. Now, in his car alone, he could let the road ride him, could watch the world pass by, could feel the wind against his chest from the open window. He felt at peace, something he was disarmingly grateful to have attained. At least he could feel a steadiness in his soul as the road sung in harmony with him and he fell in love with every passing moment of land. 

-

_"I think I'll miss you forever. Like the stars miss the sun in the morning sky."  
-Lana Del Ray_

The first place wasn't too extravagant and he picked up the first picture while sitting in his car, flipping it over in his hand while taking a deep breath. The address was probably the worst part of all of this. Everything was written so beautifully in his natural, slanted, authentic, lovely handwriting. It wasn't gorgeous, or simple, it was uniform fit as Carter's hand. He set the picture on the middle console, just in front of the stick shift and headed toward it.   
It wasn't anything special, although it was in Italy which meant it was beautiful regardless. A small restaurant, probably the size of two of Jason's apartments put together. The wall was made of windows, golden sunlight floating down and splaying across the floors, tables, and chairs. He got tea with his carefully cultivated basic Italian and nothing else, his mind conserving money in the background as a reflex after so long. He sat at a small, two seated table against the wall, sipping his tea and looking around the tiny shop.   
Inevitably, he kept thinking about the teenage Carter that had spent his time in this building. He'd thought it was beautiful and had specifically decided that one day he would bring Louis to it, so that he could see it. They had done everything together. It was probably a first reflex. Back when they spent nearly every day together and moped like idiots when they had to go a measly month apart.   
He huffed in amusement to himself and his eyes tinged with bittersweet light, sighing and stopping himself. This wasn't a pity party, or an opportunity to think about the past. He'd been doing that for years, it was a dead horse if anything else. This was just something he knew he needed to do before it was too late, and he would do it. Preferably without acting like someone who couldn't put the past away.   
The small lunch shop was beautiful in any case.

 

-

_"Everyone tells me I should move on. I'm lying in the ocean singing your song.  
-Dark Paradise_

He could see why Carter liked these things. As he went on he was pleased with the places he found.   
The next one had been a garden and he walked through it with happiness in his heart and easy content in his eyes. It was fun finding the specific part of the garden in the picture, a tunnel through a thick wall of arching ferns and flowers.  
He was brought to a pond where he fed ducks, then a courtyard in a city with flowers ringing a circular, stone platform. He sat on a bench against a stone wall under a shade of guided ferns. He couldn't help but laugh a little at how terribly Italian it was, thinking it looked like trumpeters were about to come prancing through dressed in colorful outfits and men waving flags with Italia written on them and pulling pretty women in to dance with them. He left before anything like that happened. 

-

_"If you're lonely, baby, hold me. You're my only one. Watching television, kissing 'till we see the sun. So far we are safe in the dark. And I never dreamed that I'd be so happy that I could die.  
I'm leaving, are you coming with me?"  
-Prom Song_

In the list was a huge greenhouse.   
It was crafted for beauty, the iron curling and playing patterns as it held the glass up. Inside, Louis walked through the plants and was offered edible plants by some workers who greeted him. The air was rich with the texture of the plants, as if standing in the middle of a jungle, the heat refreshing. Inside was beautiful too, small benches in the middle of neatly arranged flowers and plants. The sun streaming through the high arching glass, the plants patterned with the enriching light.   
He'd left that one with a lot of water consumed and humid skin, a soft smile on his face.

-

_"I would have traded the world for you. But I'm giving you up for now.  
I'll say goodbye, we'll make a new start, we came so close. But I'm giving you up for now."  
-King_

Sitting in his car he looked curiously at the inscription on the back of the picture.   
It was a very large pool of water in the middle of a town, a small fountain in the middle. On the back of the picture it said in parenthesis, "at night". He had frowned at it, sighing and deciding he'd be waiting until nightfall for this one.   
He sat on a bench in the courtyard around the huge fountain taking up most of the square, waiting as the sun sunk down and watching the fountain reflect the ever changing light. It was disturbed only gently in the middle, the spurt of water small and graceful. Near the outer ring, the water was almost flat, calm and silky. Children played and laughed around it, leaning over the stone edge and splashing their hands in it. Some through coins inside.   
He waited, becoming increasingly curious as to why he was doing so, as the sky darkened and the stars emerged. Eventually, after it was dark enough for him to doubt, a small shop opened up and the people in the yard stood in line. Most of the people here seemed to want whatever was there.  
As the first person left the stand they carried a small, wooden platform in their hand to the edge of the fountain. He watched, glancing at the growing line of people who would be doing the same thing, eyes following the first person. The wooden square was set on the edge of the fountain and suddenly, in the middle of it, a small candle was lit. It was picked up and carefully placed on the surface of the water. He watched as more and more candles were placed on the water, parents guiding their small children as their warmly lit faces and wide eyes lowered their own candles on the water.   
By the time it was finished, the expanse of the fountain was lit with warm points of light. The candles float across the water, nearly a hundred of them. As if it wasn't enough, a quartet of strings sat near the fountain and played together, something soft, slow and romantic. He watched in amazement, and stayed for an hour and a half. When he saw the first candle fade out, he left. He wanted to leave it, his heart soft as he walked through the town to his car.   
He wanted to leave it beautiful.   
Before he saw what became of all the lights on the water. The points of warmth. He wanted to leave it before the lights stop burning and the sun came up on the water, shedding light on what was left. The fountain would still be beautiful. Gorgeous, in fact. It would shift and change with the light and color. But not in the same way. He didn't want to see it lose the hundred floating lanterns, gleaming and shining, just as he had left them.


	53. Chapter 53

_"I hope you make peace with your pain.  
And never lose your flame."  
-Unknown_

The picture trail led farther and farther to the border of Italy and France, nearing the ending leg of the journey.   
He had successfully made it through most of the places in Italy without wanting to stop or letting himself feel pitiful and pathetic. The place for today was a beach. Long and unreigned, it reminded Louis of the way he had felt when traveling. Wild and real. It was a tricky find but Louis was nothing if not thorough in everything he did, be it staying, going, breaking his own heart, or following the unorthodox, intricate directions to this specific spot on this beach. He had carefully measured out the amount of miles Carter had marked to this point.  
It wasn't the first time he'd seen a beach so unruled like this. There were no buildings to be seen anywhere, no trees, just the sea and the land converging maritally and it stopped him for a moment. Like the world went on forever like this. To the side the shore line wrapped around the earth, and the ocean kept going forever and the land was unbroken. Not the most artful, it was the most beautiful beach he'd ever been on. Because, it felt like Carter had given it to him as a gift. He felt like, in the stretch of the shoreline, he could see the infinite love he had felt from him at one point.  
He knew what was past was past, and that all of that was gone now. Had been swept away by plenty of years and enough growth to sever childish ties that kept him behaving like this. But he didn't deny that he felt them.  
He sat down in the sand, a few yards from where the water washed towards him. He remembered the way it felt to throw himself into the pull of the ocean, to see the water and not think twice about walking into it. he remembered what it felt like to feel too full for his skin, to want to feel something that matched the furious burn of his soul, or maybe to put it out. He had been a kinetic force and it had taken him hundreds of oceans and miles of road to run out the ache in his soul. A year or two ago, he wouldn't have sat down here without at least putting his feet in the water. But he was content now to sit on the beach and just look. He didn't burn so much any more.  
The sand was warm from the day long exposure to the sun, which had already disappeared from the coast line. The last of it's light was fading as the water stirred it's color in it's black depth. He leaned back, taking a deep breath and saw the place Carter had wanted him to see. He felt the sand between his fingers and his heart beating softly in his chest, the glow of the sky on his skin, the salt in the air he breathed, the ocean wind against his face. He thought about when Carter had stood where he was and taken a picture. What he must have seen in this place, what he wanted Louis to see, what he thought he would feel when he saw it.   
How simply he believed that he would one day see this.   
He didn't hold any aggressive, passionate conviction. Carter didn't feel any opposing force to push against with his hopes for the future. Louis always saw the opposition. He always saw the probability of loss in ways Carter just didn't worry about. He just believed it would be so.   
Though things were vastly different than their childhood selves had dreamed of, he was right in the end.


	54. Chapter 54

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GOD i don't know French or the country please forgive me or better don't read

_"Forget the nights that we spent laughing 'till the morning on your bedroom floor, without a thought about your roommate asleep down the hall._  
_Forget the days we'd waste in bed, tangled, the smoke still on your breath. Undressed and pinning you up to the wall._  
_I was out one night when I saw you, and it froze me where I stood. I would hate you._  
_I would hate you if I could."  
-Turnover_

Louis found that one of the pictures led him far out of his way, something that made him cringe thinking about the gas he'd have to use to get there and then back to the usual flow of the track they led on. But, he reminded himself, he was going to see it.  
So, without much more complaining, he made his way north east. He drove towards Paris, his arm on the open window. As he drew nearer to the region Paris resided in, he began to follow the directions more fervently.  
Le Mans, France, Louis stopped. He kept the Polaroid carefully tucked inside his pocket as he walked through the city. He found another fountain, this one considerably smaller, of course. He stopped just inside the small square it resided in and smiled to himself. It seemed Carter had an affinity to these fountains.  
He walked towards the stone rim of the water, dipping his fingers into the cool ripple and standing, watching the water pool and drip off quickly. The sun shimmered brightly today, bouncing off of the gleaming water and warming his dark hair. He noticed that the floor of the fountain was completely obscured by coins, not an inch of the stone visible. He reached into his pocket and found his wallet, rummaging gently for a penny if he had one. He frowned when he found that the only currency he had were bills. He hadn't exactly anticipated needing one and his shoulders drooped as he thought all the way back through the city to the empty parking lot that his car sat in, through the window and into the middle console where a handful of American pennies and some coins trembled when he drove.  
"Avez-vous besoin d'un? C'est pour la chance." He lifted his head, looking at a woman standing next to him. She smiled brightly, brown eyes warm like the sun today. Her hair clung to her chin as if she'd bent down and it had caught beautifully and naturally, feathering over her shoulders and a small girl clinging to her hand, leaning away to look into the water. About his height, she reached into her pocket and handed the coin to the child, shooing her towards him. The tiny girl smiled a wide, toothy grin and bounced to him, holding her coin out to him. He smiled and kindly accepted it, nodding to the child.  
"Merci." He nodded to her, knowing she'd understand by his voice he was foreign. She waved and the little girl waved as well before they left. His best guess was that the mother had told him the coin was to throw for luck into the fountain. He'd heard the term 'bonne chance' before. He looked at the thing, thinking about luck in his head before tossing it into the fountain. It plopped with a tiny splash and fluttered to the rest of the coins.  
_For luck._ He thought to himself.  
He turned around, ready to leave yet another fountain. And he supposes that there is a silly chance, that in the moment he turned on his heal away from the fountain, the tiny coin clinked underwater and landed on the pile of wishes for luck.  
He began to stuff his wallet back into his tight jeans before he lifted his eyes slightly to see a pair of feet near him. He looked up so he wouldn't run into anyone, and without thinking, his feet froze to a stop a few yards from the fountain and a train ride from Paris.  
The person, that would have run into him if he hadn't stopped, lifted his eyes. He stopped as well.  
The eyes that met his were grey. In one of their brightest shades in respect to the light of the day.  
He stood there for a stupid amount of time. In his chest, if he didn't feel numb, he'd have probably felt a heart pounding in a stuttered, shocked tempo.  
The sun shone down on Carter Rose, stopped in his tracks. In his hands was the reason for his distraction, an open wallet, probably to produce a coin to be thrown into the fountain.  
For a moment in time, the universe was quiet. A kind of quiet that Louis hadn't experienced in a very long time. For him, living was loud, for better or worse, loud. But for this moment, everything feels quiet. And he doesn't feel anything outside of that moment. He never felt the pain of being rejected and attacked by his parents. He never felt the wild escape of running from his problems. He never felt hatred for his decisions, sorrow for his losses. He never felt worry for the future. He never felt the suffering of confusion. He never even felt the throws of unforgiving love and willingness to sacrifice himself for everything that Carter was. He never left. For one moment in his head, everything is quiet.  
He doesn't really know what his first thought is when his head finally catches up with his off meter heart.  
"Louis?" He heard his name and now he knows that his first coherent thought is that he hasn't heard his own name in eight years. It's silly. Of course he's heard his name in eight years. From thousands of different voices and mouths. But his shocked ears would swear it's the first time.  
"I-" He choked out. He shook his head gently, as if to get his thoughts running so he could speak. They stood with just feet between them, Carter's hands - _his hands_ \- still around his open wallet.  
"You're..." Carter stumbled, his hands closing the wallet. "What are you doing here?"  
Louis swallowed, remembering not to stutter again, shifting his frozen feet together.  
"I just - uh - I'm... visiting. France." His head started to catch up at a violent rate and suddenly he felt hot and cold at the same time. _What do I say. What do I say. What do I say? Don't say anything wrong._  
Carter's feet seemed to remember they hadn't moved yet and he shifted as well, taking a minuscule step towards him. It was a lot of space, not too much, but enough to make room to fit the shock that was still vibrating between them.  
"Oh my god." He whispered. And Louis agreed.  
"Um... What are you doing here?" Louis returned the question. It felt like there was a cord of lightning that connected the center of his chest to Carter's, a live wire trembling on the length between them.  
"I'm visiting, too." He answered, "Well - I live here. Not here, outside of Paris." He answered, his eyes still shocked and their bodies still motionless as they stared. The world around them was moving as they tried to figure out what was happening. Before Louis could speak, a man approached Carter's side. He was almost as tall as him, curly hair pulled back into a wild bun, intelligent, brown eyes, hand wrapped around a coffee. Probably from the cafe near the fountain.  
"Hé, qui est-ce?" He asked, a confused look transferring to Carter, flickering over the stranger. Louis couldn't stop looking at Carter though, and it seemed to take some effort for Carter to pull his eyes away as well.  
"Uh... Il est - " Carter's eyes met his again before returning to the new person. "Mon ami."  
_Friend?_ He thought, assessing the title he assumes he's been introduced with and concluding it was safe. After a moment he spoke again.  
"Peut-tu nous donner une minute?" Louis' spine sent a shock from the top to the base, his skin rising in shivers regardless of the sun.  
"Vite, s'il te plaît." The stranger answered, walking away, a quick pace in his steps. Carter took a few to close the strange gap between them, leaving a few comfortable feet between.  
"I - I can't stay. Where are you? Staying, I mean." Louis didn't know how he was still breathing. With the few steps Carter had taken towards him, his chin had angle up in the slightest grade, to meet his eyes. His head was caught up and he was fighting himself in his head, a million words he wanted to say; to scream before his chance was lost.  
"I'm not staying anywhere... at the moment." He shook his head. "I'm driving."  
He could feel Carter's eyes on him and it felt like he was trapped by them. His heart pounding.  
"Uh." Carter's brow creased, his thoughts running clearly behind his eyes, "I - where are you going?"  
"West." He answered, feeling his control keeping him from spitting out words. He added quickly, "I don't have to though."  
"I have to go back. Can I see you, soon?" He asked, his voice so sure.  
_Yes._  
"Yeah, yeah. I can wait, yes. When?" He tumbled out, their time seeming to slip away.  
"Here, take my number." Carter's eyes, seeming to hold a frequency of awareness that cut through Louis. He patted his pockets, "I don't have a pen."  
"I have my phone." Louis pulled it out, opening the keypad and handed it to him. He held his breath and felt his body scream at him when he felt the brush of fingers against his as he took the phone from him. He watched, still in shock, Carter's fingers tap against the screen, his eyes focused.  
His thoughts ran miles around the tingling of his fingers where they had met. Slow, infinite miles. Their bodies touched. How long had it been?  
Before he was caught by his gaze again, he thought to himself that he was seeing Carter's twenty six year old eyes.  
"Here." Carter returned his phone, his eyes held him in their grip for a moment, then glancing over his shoulder at his waiting friend. "Here, call me - or send me a text, so I get your number. Uh... I have to go. Just... uh, call me."  
"I will. Okay." He swallowed.  
_He's about to walk away._ He heard his head at it's loudest yet, he swore nothing but Carter's voice could be heard over the scream of his body telling him to stop him.  
"I'll see you... Call me." He spoke, still standing motionless in front of him.  
"Allons-y!" The stranger called to Carter, getting his attention.  
"Uh, right." Carter shook his head and took a step away, pausing.  
"I'll call you." Louis spoke, his voice solid even though he didn't know what he was doing watching him walk away.  
"Okay." A tiny curve of a smile changed Carter's eyes and he nodded before turning away and going to his friend.  
Louis watched, his eyes raking over his back, his head thinking of too many things at once to pick anything out. Just before Carter disappeared from sight he looked over his shoulder and met Louis' eyes, still locked on him.  
He stood there for a moment and just before he could feel the come down into nauseating separation, he felt a tiny length of rope that tied his hands to hope. The rope came in the form of the phone, still clutched in his hand, burning a hole through his fingers.


	55. Chapter 55

_"I built a house so tall and I burned it down. I was looking for culture to find what was already found. But don't blame America, blame it on me. I worried that the sins of the father will trickle down._  
_If I were to fight would you fight against me,_  
_if I were to run would you run with me,_  
_if I were to die would you bury me deep, say you would please._  
_And, if I were to scream would you hear what I said,_  
_if I were to drown would you hold my hand,_  
_underneath the memories of what I meant, and not what I did."_  
_-Ivan & Alyosha_

Louis swears the grass is greener.  
As the initial shock wore off, even next to the desperate clawing to bring him back so he wouldn't slip away, he swears the scents in the air are more noticeable. The sunlight is thicker, the clouds are grander, the stars that night are brighter, the earth beneath his feet more steady, the wind more exciting, the sounds hypersensitive. He's paying attention. The grass is greener.  
His senses feel so alive, and in the back of his mind he is thinking constantly about getting back by his side. Praying that he would meet with him. Worrying that he would fall away.  
In his car as he drove away that day, his mind seemed quiet in shock. He made it to a highway, the speed limit was eighty, only a few cars on it. He drove seventy five for a few minutes and suddenly, in a strange realization, a smile grew on his face. He exhaled in a laugh and some childish happiness kept him laughing in disbelief, his foot laying into the gas pedal.  
He was driving somewhere between eighty five and ninety, his laughter silenced and a smile still on his face.  
His worry was still there, but he drove towards Paris regardless.  
He'd had the itching regard to send his number to Carter's, to make sure he didn't lose him, but he hadn't yet. That night, in his car, the phone was ringing his brother.  
"I'm supposing this is my youngest brother." Jason's lazy sarcasm greeting him through the phone. Normally, Louis would reply in sarcasm as per usual, something like, 'I'm your only brother.' But this call wasn't a usual call.  
"Hey, it's me."  
"Alright, fine." His voice amused and dry, "What's up."  
"I... That's what I called about." He breathed, his muscles keyed up in some kind of strange excitement that hadn't stopped buzzing along his skin since he'd gotten over the surprise.  
"Alright?"  
"I met someone." He spoke, his heart tight, not even sure how to say it.  
"Oh? You always meet people when you go out there, I'm not surprised. Sounds like you found a boyfriend, hm? Is that it?" His playful smile in his voice.  
"You could say that." Louis choked.  
"And?" He felt his chest tighten and made himself say it.  
"Carter." He spit out, the words slipping out.  
"Fuck." He heard Jason's voice drop like a stone, and he could see the expression he was making. His hand curled into a soft curl, coming to his loosened chest in anticipation and uncertainty.  
"What? What does that mean?"  
"You're fucking kidding me. This is exactly the kind of thing that would happen to you." He muttered in a flat expression.  
"He gave me his number, and told me to call him so we could talk, tomorrow or... soon. I... I feel like... I can't wait that long." He tumbled out, the edge and uncertainty clear riding next to the blazing excitement.  
"This is insane. Things like this only would happen to you. Did he get ugly or fat, at least?"  
"No, he didn't." He choked, thinking back now that he had a moment to be taken aback by how unfairly good he looked. So unfair. He looked better than he did before.  
"Well, I know you're going to call him then." His brother's voice comforted him and he was immensely happy to have someone to talk to about this. Him, in particular, who may understand.  
"Yes. Yeah, I will. I will call him. I don't even... Shit, I can't even think."  
"I'm sure." He chuckled. "Fucking figures. I knew something weird would come out of you going back to Europe."  
"Is it bad? You sound... Not exact about it, what is it?" Jason paused.  
"It's just something big, Louis, and things this big can go in different equally large ways. I'm a little worried about it. Just be careful about this. I know Carter is a good person, he was always more than good to you and to me and his mother. But he is a person and he has a free will and you just need to go carefully about this." Louis nodded like a child, forgetting for a moment about the tension and remembering.  
"I will be careful. I can't not try this though..."  
"Don't fuck this up. I know you don't intentionally do that, and I'm being honest because it's what you need. Just don't fuck it up, if not for yourself than for him."  
"I won't. I swear to God, I won't. No matter what happens, I definitely won't, I won't make the same mistakes. This time I'm going to do everything right, I swear." He muttered, and it was insane how fast he changed. Before he was a softer person, less one hundred percent about any one thing. But immediately, the fire was not only lit but quickly growing. Jason paused for a moment, thinking how unnervingly like his teenage self he sounded within twenty four hours of meeting him again. Like he had confidence back. Like it was time and he believed that he was going to do every single thing he could do perfectly and then a little better. He was smarter though, he didn't believe that he could win, only that he would do more than anyone else possibly could. As if, starting now, he had a goal again, and he was going to try to achieve it.  
On the one hand, and on the other hand, he felt like he had no goal. It was just to get back near him again.  
"Alright, kid. Be careful. I can't believe you went and found him again, I know you must be on a cloud." He smiled until his teeth showed. It was all unsure. Nothing was set in stone, he could be married, he could be with someone else, he could not love him anymore. It wasn't as if Carter's life hadn't progressed, ties not made, road not traveled too far down to turn back on now. But for this moment he is happy.  
And he knew that, if fate would permit it, he had a second chance. And he was going to run with it.


	56. Chapter 56

_"I've been spending the last eight months, think all love ever does is break and burn and end._  
_But on a Wednesday, in a cafe, I watched it begin again."_  
_-Begin Again_

He did text him.  
He may have had shaky fingers while doing it, but he did. Carter's texts were a first. Simple and short, fitting it seemed. They didn't text when they were teenagers.  
Louis felt constantly pulled between the logic in his head that reminded him to think like a normal person, to take into account the worry that reminded him of everything that could go wrong, and the stupidly optimistic music in his heart. He didn't know why he felt this way, but for the first time in longer than he actually remembers, he feels invincible.  
He is going to see Carter soon, meet him outside Paris.  
In his hotel room, he dressed himself, swinging through more than one set of nauseating emotions. Looking in the mirror, he feels strange. It has been a while since he had thought about his appearance, and usually he felt good about it. He knew he was attractive in his own right. But this was Carter and suddenly he was leaning within an inch of the mirror and seeing if he had dust on his brow.  
_Ridiculous_. He stopped himself. Pulling his shirt on and checking one more time, he took the steps two at a time to the first floor.  
"It's just coffee." He muttered, rubbing his anxious stomach. He felt equal parts excited and nervous.  
At the coffee shop he felt the hyper awareness again. Aware of the architecture of the small building. The quiet murmur of the few customers, their books and notes indicative of a few students. The smell of the coffee felt overwhelming, his eyes wide as he took in the sunlight playing on the chairs and tables. He was thankful that there was no music playing, sure that it would only seep into his thoughts as well.  
He ordered tea and sat at a table he liked, one with with a soft amount of sunlight that warmed his hands on the table, distracting him from the restless tremor of his finger tips. He tried not to think much, not sure where it would get him, instead looking at a stack of books left on a book table near him. He reached over and picked one up, sipping his tea and looking at the text. All in French and not truly understandable, but he rested his head on his hand and looked at all the words he recognized, thinking about Olivier and how different life was then. Not even noticing when Carter approached the table, expression open and choking off the air in his lungs for a quick moment.  
"Hey." He spoke, breaking the brief silence.  
"Hi." Louis swallowed, hoping his face wasn't too readable. The last thing he wanted was to hide anymore. But on the other hand, he knew that there was a lot to see in his eyes and hoped it didn't drive him away.  
Carter sat down, smoothly and almost gracefully. He felt guilty for falling over these details, not when there was so much pain in between them, but he couldn't help remembering seventeen year old Carter. How he hadn't quite gotten control of his body yet and how he bumped into things when he forgot how tall he was. Now there was no fumbling or hesitation, comfortable with his legs and arms and it was noticeable in ways that Louis was having a hard time handling. He looked at him and knew the attention he was giving was written all over him. But he couldn't help it.  
If in private, he felt he could cry looking at him now. Hard to control the way everything was falling back onto his shoulders and into his eyes and into his ears. Everything about being in the presence of Carter was what had made up his life before. It was part of his life, in ways he didn't even know, and now it was weighing like a mountain and holding him up like one too. What it was like to witness him. To see him sit down and see the muscles in his fingers move and the way the light seeped into his hair and turned his eyes nearly white in the right setting. It ached for a moment. The remembrance of what his life had been like to live, before things had changed.  
"Did you have to wait for long before I got here?" He asked, his voice reminding him of so much. The tone, the cadence. It quieted his mind and he smiled and shook his head, finding it easy not to think so much now.  
"No, not long. Was it a long ride here?"  
"No, not long. I don't live _in_ Paris, I'm outside of it."  
Louis nodded and there was a comfortable silence for a moment. Catching up with the moment, noticing Carter's thoughtful eyes looking at him and wondering what he was seeing. What differences did he see.  
Eight years had turned Carter from an almost developed, still soft, boy, into a man. He had steadier eyes, fuller shoulders. A whole new version of the same person. He broke from his thoughts as he wondered what was behind Carter's eyes in respect to eight years that he hadn't known him. He remembered what it was like to know him. To know his life and what he had done on the weekend. Now anything could have happened. His life was not something Louis knew anything about, anymore.  
"Do you always get tea at cafes?" Carter asked, a tiny smile in the corner of his mouth. Louis opened his mouth to respond, glancing at the other tea on the table and huffing.  
"Do you?" He smiled, earning a laugh from him.  
"Fair enough."  
"I never like coffee, really. Always been tea." He mumbled, and didn't bring up Lauren's tea. She was the reason, really, for the two cups of tea on the table right now. Every week, he remembered, learning how to brew it in that tiny, loving kitchen that had been more like home than anywhere else in his life. It was why either of them were drinking tea, raised on it for every lunch and every dinner.  
"So... Why are you here? Again, yesterday was so rushed."  
"I'm on a road trip, sort of. Around a few places." He glanced at the table, feeling his cheeks heat, knowing it must be a very strange coincidence to Carter that he had met him at that fountain. He wondered if Carter knew, if he caught on to how Louis even knew about that place.  
"Oh, so you're still living in the country."  
"Yeah, I am. What about you? I thought you went to... Italy." His voice quieted against his will but, gracefully, Carter didn't note it.  
"I'm working in France for a while, I have been. I did though, I was there. My dad is still there, and I visit."  
"Oh, okay. Do you like it?" He felt like he was asking for more than if he liked Italy, more than if he liked living here. _Did_ you like it. He never had gotten the chance to ask him if he had liked where he had gone. Back when they were kids, and Louis had run away spending days wondering if Carter had done okay. If he had a world that was good for him, and worthy of his living there.  
"Yeah, it's good." He answered quietly. "So... what about you? What are you doing back home?"  
"Going to school."  
"For what?"  
"Music." He noticed the little flicker in his eyes and almost preened. He felt he had never had the pleasure of telling someone what he was going to college for before. He had never really wanted it before, but now it made him feel happy to show someone what he cared about doing.  
"Huh." Carter mumbled. "Is it... You like it?" He looked like it mattered and it was foreign for Louis, seeing it matter to someone else. Like he really wondered if he liked music school.  
"Yes." He nodded. "It's... it's good. There are times when a nine year old from a foreign country comes in and shows me up by a mile, but-" He paused, smiling as Carter laughed, "It's good. I love playing... and learning about it. I've never had more of an obsession with music made in the seventeen to eighteen hundreds as I do now, and there's so much to learn about the simplest things. And I get to... indulge myself like I couldn't when I was younger with all kinds of songs and.. things. Yes, I like it." He huffed, looking at his hands wrapped around his tea and hoping he wasn't blushing. He felt like his speech about it had carried itself away before he'd known it, not used to talking to someone about what he liked so much, self conscious about rambling.  
It didn't seem Carter felt the same way about his run on sentences, interested and smiling when he looked down as if he could read his reservations on the lowering of his eye lashes.  
"Do you like what you do?" Louis asked. Carter chuckled and tipped his tea to his mouth, swallowing an amused smile.  
"I can't go on about it like you can, I suppose. I'm not... passionate like that, but yes. I'm working at a university right now, and I like learning. It used to be more of a... I don't know. Addictive distraction, because I was in college and I was good at studying and it helped me... pass the time. But I've slowed down and I like it now. There's never an end to what you can learn about anything - everything." His grey eyes were somehow alert and so calm. The tilt of his head when he talked catching his eye, the shrug of his shoulder in rhythm with his speech.  
Louis hung on his words, not even surprised at the amount of weight they held, wanting to know about him. His voice was the only thing he could hear, low, but not too low. Rich but still light enough to feel alive and sleepy at the same time.  
He was getting used to the strange confidence Carter had in his voice now. Not like his own confidence, but a steady sureness in his voice that wasn't there before. Only becoming less sure when he spoke of something less comfortable, like perhaps, the way his eyes shifted when he talked about addictively passing the time with studying in the past.  
"That's good." He mumbled.  
"So, how is home? Has it... changed, or..." _Oh,_ he realized, _He probably doesn't know I've spent almost one year in the last eight years even near home._ He had only seen the town they'd grown up in once since he'd left.  
"Well, no. I don't think so. It's... not different. At all, really. I heard a lot of the same people are still there, but Alexia went to the city with Jasey." He paused, feeling the ache to talk to him like they were still best friends and the reserve to not bring up the past too quickly. "The furniture store isn't there anymore, but not much has changed."  
"Oh." Carter nodded, voice quiet.  
"I don't live there anymore, Jason moved near Portland, so I'm with him."  
"Oh, Jason." His voice lifted, "How is he?"  
"He's fine. He's got a girl now he likes. She's sweet."  
"When did you move? I mean, I guess that's where Jason went, so it's probably been a while since you've been back there."  
"Well, Jason moved a couple of years ago, now I suppose. And I've been there for about a year." He knew he'd have to tell Carter he'd been traveling for most of this time, and he wasn't trying to skirt around the truth, but to him the travel was more or less running.  
"Oh? What happened? I assumed you.. went with him."  
"Well, I - after high school I kind of left." He mumbled, feeling the guilt of the past pulling at the hem of his shirt like it did sometimes. Technically he'd lied to Carter. He said he'd go with Jason and that he was leaving soon, but in truth Jason hadn't planned to leave at all. That was just a way of ensuring that Carter didn't come back on the next flight trying to find him.  
"Where?"  
"I traveled, for a while."  
"Oh." He tilted his head in surprise, "To where?"  
"A lot of places... I don't even really know... It wasn't really a set thing, I just kind of went."  
"So... How long was that?" He narrowed his eyes and Louis knew he'd already been given away. If Jason had moved a couple of years ago and he'd gotten their even later, the math wasn't that hard to add up. He still felt his throat tighten at the quick, intelligent confidence that Carter looked at him with.  
"It was around seven years." He murmured, sounding casual and taking a sip of his drink to occupy his gaze right after he said it.  
"Seven years?" He knew he was probably blushing now, lowering his tea.  
"Yeah, about." He nodded.  
"Jesus... How.. You'll have to explain that later." He shook his head and Louis hoped the chills on his arms weren't noticeable as he thought about the confirmation of there being a later.  
"Okay."  
"Wow... I knew you left but not like... that kind of left." He murmured.  
"You knew?" His eyes widened, hanging on every puzzle piece he received about the other side of this life during the time they'd spent apart.  
"Yeah. I... visited my mom and - it just - she told me she'd talked to Jason and that you had gone away, I guess." Louis knew him well enough, even after having quickly acclimated to his change in mannerisms, to know he didn't ask his mother where he was and so he knew that somehow his mother had confronted him about it, weather she planned to or not was a mystery. He also knew that, judging by his pattern of speech and steadiness that whatever the circumstance was in him finding out about his departure, it was something he didn't want to talk about.  
"Jason didn't tell me anything about that." He mumbled, looking down at his fingers wrapped around his cup.  
"She just said you weren't at home anymore." He watched Louis' face steadily, without shame or reserve for the clear discomfort in him.  
"How is she?" He asked, wondering if he had the right to ask how his mother was.  
"She's well." Carter's voice evened out in soft affection. "She's still in the states, but I pay for her to visit every year at least once at Christmas. I usually spend it with her and dad."  
"That sounds lovely." He mumbled, feeling one of the missing pieces of his life clicking back now, knowing what had become of her.  
"I used to worry sometimes about her feeling lonely at home, without me, you know. But she's fine."  
"I used to worry about Jason being lonely, too."  
"Yeah... After a while you stop babying them, huh." He huffed, a gentle little smile shared between them.  
"It's like you forget how life is that way. When you go... their lives just kind of grow up around them in the places you were. And they're alright, without you. Strange." He mumbled and looked up and saw the smile gone from his face, his velvety eyes wandering and lingering on the window.  
"Yeah." He nodded, returning his gaze to the table. They were quiet for a few moments. "So, how long will you be here? When are you leaving?"  
"Well, until my money runs out, basically. So maybe a month and a half."  
_I could try to get a job and stay longer..._  
"Do you think we can get together again? To catch up?"  
"Of course." He nodded, glancing to the side to mask the desperate pleased look he felt showing.  
"I'm really surprised you were at that fountain." Carter mumbled, his brow creasing slightly.  
"Well, why were you there?" He asked, hoping a playing, coy smile wasn't too friendly. It just came so naturally, so many things about his mannerisms, came so naturally.  
"My dad took me once, when I was a kid. But, I still go to it every once in a while to throw a penny in. It's not too far from where I live and my friend has this book store he likes, so I stop by there when we go some times."  
"Hm." Louis took another sip of his tea, "Well, that is a coincidence."  
He felt it was too early to let Carter know he was following a picture trail that had been given to him in December of their junior year.  
"A wild one." He replied and a tiny smirk twitched at his mouth, leaving Louis a mild form of speechless.  
"Yeah."  
"So, what are you going to do with your hard earned music degree?" He smiled, his perfect teeth giving a wolfish grin to his gentle, pale eyes. "I... wondered what you would do, sometimes. For a job." His shining eyes angled down a few times as he spoke, the teeth hidden as his grin fell softer.  
"Well, it depends, I guess." He sighed, crossing his arms on the table. "There's nothing financially indulging about being a musician... And I'm not good enough at what I do to be a performer forever or sustain something big."  
"You're good at playing." His interjection paused Louis' open mouth, Carter's brow creased and with a confused frown. It made his open mouth curve up and his cheeks blush shamelessly. His ego was appalled - by his blushing cheeks and soft eyes, eyelashes flickering over his gaze when his chin tiled down, even his feet under the table were pressed together - wishing the amount of _gone_ he was for him wasn't so clearly legible. But, his heart trumped it, wanting to scream 'I missed you! I love you!' or just roll over for him like a cat asking to be loved. His heart was unwilling to lie to him, had always had a hard time with it, especially when it came to hiding the effect Carter had.  
"Well-" He huffed a laugh, thinking with a thrill that Carter hadn't even heard him play since he was eighteen, still such an amateur. "There are always going to be people better than me. For every audition in every orchestra, there's always going to be nine hundred people, probably younger and less seasoned than me, who are better. But.. thank you. I guess I'm going to get whatever degree I get to and... I know I want to perform. So I'm going to work at that for a while. But in the end, most likely, I'll end up teaching kids, or something. It's sustainable and reliable. And.. I don't have to be a performer to still be passionate about playing. But I will try, yeah, at least."  
"Hm." Carter hummed, the light from the sun having lowered enough to slide in striking beams across his eyes and face, highlighting the pale shades in his eyes and unique angles in his face. It was like a brick in his stomach and a drink of water after a thousand years without. Just looking.  
"So, you're a french fluent, now. Yeah?" Louis played, smiling. He had a thousand things they could talk about, a thousand apologies, a thousand beggings for forgiveness and reciprocation, a thousand love letters he could write. But, right now wasn't the time, and he wanted so badly just to talk to his best friend. To ask him how he is, to hear his voice. Maybe he could tell him all of the mistakes he had made in the past, and how none of them added up to the mistake of hurting him, later.  
Carter smiled and tilted his head, the column of his neck casting pretty shadows in the light, and looked like he was seventeen on the cusp of eighteen, and then twenty six once again. He didn't know which was more beautiful.  
"Conversationally, I guess." He laughed, eyes cast down, playing with the condensation on the table from his tea.  
"That's _obvious_ shit. You were spouting weird french when you were sixteen." Louis teased, feeling the strange ease with which their thoughts slid over their youth without breaking smiles or pausing.  
"There's plenty I don't know how to speak, and sometimes I get lost in some people's sentences, but I can speak it, yeah." He shrugged. Louis' muscles tensed under the skin of his back where a maybe improper french script was tattooed into him. He, for the first time, worried about someone seeing it.  
It went on like that for a while, and eventually they'd somehow gotten far off topic, seeming to continue leading away from everything important between them and leading towards stupid things that seemed irrelevant. Like a pet of a friend's who loved Carter and burrowed into his work bag every time he went to their house, and the one time his curly haired friend had gotten him to walk around in three inch heels. About nothing, really.  
By the time the sun was approaching the golden hour of the day, the last of Carter's tea was water down and Louis' was just melted ice, the night shift of customers having shuffled in with books and the fatigue of a typical academic.  
Louis had forgotten about the important things that were supposed to be talked about, explaining the time when he pranked Jason and he had returned the favor, leading to Carter explaining some wild university prank he hadn't been a part of when he was in school, and so on.  
"Oh." Carter frowned, looking at the time on his phone. "I need to go. I'll miss my train."  
"Oh, yeah." Louis nodded, pleased when a pathetic frown didn't make any appearance. He was worried again, about losing this. And with a nerve he'd built up, trying to muster his inner lion man, he spoke.  
"Do you think we can hang out again? Or... something." He felt so brave and afraid and wished he had the fearless bravado he knew was in him, but wasn't coming out. He wasn't opposed to being cocky and proud to Carter, but in his position, he certainly didn't deserve to be. Nor was it possible when guilt was swimming in his stomach. He didn't know if he'd ever be able to be like that with him again. Not when Carter is so important. It's not like when they were kids and Louis believed he was the only one worthy of Carter, thinking he only had to earn it. Then, he already had Carter, really. Now he wasn't worthy, and he doesn't have him. Things are unstable, and for the first time, that matters.  
"I don't know if it's you're thing," _it is_ , he thinks, "but my friend is going to a kind of festival, in the city. You could come and walk around with us."  
_Is he the one with friend's now? Christ, the tables have turned._  
"Yeah, I'd love to."  
They walked outside, standing on the sidewalk, not speaking for a moment. Carter looked beautiful, his hands in his pockets.  
"So, I'll text you and tell you what train you can catch and I'll probably meet you at the station. And... see you soon." He stood, almost awkwardly, but surprisingly not. Everything always felt natural with him.  
"Okay, yeah... Thanks." Louis mumbled, so unsure of what to say, unsure of how to say goodbye.  
"Thanks?"  
"For... having coffee with me." He looked at the ground, his small feet seeming to settle closer to each other.  
"Oh. It's fine, it was good tea." He smiled in some charming way that seemed to make surprise appearances out of his otherwise quiet, unassuming expression.  
"Right, tea." Louis huffed. "You have a train to catch, don't you?"  
"Yeah." Carter's brow pulled together in remembrance. "I'll see you at the festival."  
"Okay, I'll see you." Louis nodded, a slow smile growing as Carter began to back away, not thinking enough to turn around like a normal person. Eventually he waved, turning away and leaving him on the street.  
His mind practically cheered when he began to walk away, but he held it in, reduced to a silly grin directed at the sidewalk.


	57. Chapter 57

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The french in this is by no means considered accurate or even conversationally common by me so, if any French speakers out there see this and cry or cringe, I'm sorry. It's just a language I like and am only in my third year of learning.  
> Hope this chapter is alright, I'm having a hard time writing lately.

_"There she was. Like a starry night. Like a Ferris wheel, full of blue green eyes. And a heart of steel, always on her own. Almost never real._  
_And she was. Like a blade of ice. Like a lonely road, clearest day alive. Always sharp and cold, always beautiful. I am such a fool._  
_Try to look in her eyes, the light is just right, even if she falls in love. And it isn't so bad, it's driving you mad, even if she falls in love."_  
_-Blink 182_

He met Carter at the festival and it didn't take a long walk to be swept up into the lights and colors and sounds.  
Carter made him feel comfortable when he met him outside the train station, smiling in a friendly way. He led him down the streets until they got to a portion of a boulevard which was roped off. Just inside the roped off area, the high concentration of people thickened and the lights and sounds got louder. It was somewhere between noon and evening, the sun still brilliant, but cold enough outside to keep a few people in coats or sweaters.  
Louis walked near him and watched in awe as music boomed from speakers and people on balconies over looking the streets leaned on railings and enjoyed the music and people, throwing confetti down.  
"Have you ever been here before?" Louis chatted, glancing up to him.  
"It's been a year, they do this annually, yeah." He smiled, shocking Louis with his presence. He drew more attention than the lights and dancing people in the streets did. "It gets a little crazier as the sun goes down. But it's a good time, I guess."  
They walked farther down the street until they got to a building that Carter led them into. It smelled strongly of books and was much larger inside than it looked. There were a rather unusual amount of people milling about inside, probably due to the festival outside.  
"Hé!" An extra tall man bounced rather agilely over to Carter, a happy smile on his face, waving a group over. Carter smiled at him kindly and the group the friend had waved over approached as well. Altogether, there were four of his friends that all gather closer, smiling and greeting.  
"Carter!" A rather beautiful girl cheered, hugging him with one arm, a glass of something in her other hand. She had round, brown eyes, kind with laugh lines around the corners of them. Her smile seemed easily invoked, her black hair thick and wild, just reaching her shoulders. She kept some of it pinned back loosely, giving her a natural energized look. Her clothes loose and hand threaded bracelets on her strong wrists.  
The friend who had noticed them first was even taller than Carter, only by a little, a very loud and strong voice to back up his wide smile.  
Along with him was another girl about Louis' height, long brunette hair hanging down to her ribs, quiet eyes. She didn't speak up in the greetings.  
The last stranger wasn't so much a stranger, wild, curly hair up in a bun. He was the man with Carter the day at the fountain. He had almost serious, black eyes, ripped jeans and an over shirt. Back when Louis was sleeping with strangers, he'd have probably tried him.  
The group of four rattled off some string of french greetings to Carter and eventually, the tall one and the short haired woman turned to Louis, saying hello and asking some question. The quieter girl and the curly haired man watched curiously.  
"Hi." Louis mumbled, smiling shyly and looking to Carter for guidance. In his head he made a note about the difference in himself. The last time he was in France, bridging the communication gap wasn't hard and it was kind of important for him. To make friends so he didn't have to be alone with himself. Being so passive would have been a joke to the old him, would have gotten him no where. Now he didn't think the way he did when he was on his own, he wasn't alone. He was with him, and he was calmer. Quickly, Carter spoke up. As he spoke for Louis, he rested a hand over his shoulder blades. The touch sent a little shock into his bones, stilling his shifting feet.  
"Je vous présente Louis." He spoke a little slower than the rest, but it fit naturally into his deep, calm speech pattern. Louis was shocked to hear his own name sound so good. He'd heard it in French before from Olivier and others, and knew it was a french name, but it sounded so good spoken from his mouth. His hand fell from him as he finished, "Il parle anglais."  
"Oh!" The wild looking woman nodded, turning back to Louis. "Hi! My english is not very good, sorry. It is nice to meet you."  
"Thank you, it's nice to meet you too." He smiled, returning her kind tone.  
"This is Louis, hm?" The curly haired one hummed, looking over him in assessment. It rubbed Louis a little bit the wrong way, but he didn't take it to heart.  
"This is Charlie." Carter introduced them all, pointing to the tallest man. "This is Amalie." The quietest girl. "And Amarante, but you can just call her Amy if that's easier." The girl who had greeted him first. "And Acel." The man from the fountain.  
"You 'ave a good name." Charlie smiled.  
"Oh, thanks." Louis chuckled.  
"Il est beau, je vois." Acel chuckled, an almost challenging look to his eye. Amy raised her brows and glanced at Carter. Carter looked at Acel with an almost displeased or confused look, his brow creased.  
"Did you want that in english?" Acel raised a brow at Carter, his foxish grin still present. Louis frowned, shifting an uncertain step closer to Carter. The awkward pause passed quickly, without a response from Carter. But his disapproving, almost disregard of whatever Acel had said, made Louis feel the tension. It was strange, the power just a passive look Carter gave, his hands in his pockets, still made Louis feel threatened. But, he'd always been sensitive to him.  
Amy and Charlie laughed off the quiet, leading them all out of the bookstore and onto the street.  
"Carter loves that library, we tease him for spending too much time reading." Amy walked next to Louis, smiling her bright smile. She had a smooth, swaying gate. Her loose clothes hanging off her shoulders, wild hair swinging with her. Louis glanced at Carter.  
"Yeah, they say I used to camp at night so I didn't have to stop reading." He joked, chuckling.  
They walked down the street and Louis stayed near Carter, friends flocking along. All around them music played through speakers, sometimes smooth and sometimes upbeat and exciting. Crowds danced and laughed, drinking and chatting. People walked along on stilts, colorful clothes balanced on the sticks.  
In the crowd as they walked along, someone fell into Louis' side. Louis felt Carter's hand steady him, strong grip on his arm.  
"Désolé! Désolé!" The stranger apologized. Louis laughed and Carter replied to them, smiling kindly to them.  
Later on in the day, all of his friends gathered at a large crowd. There was a stage at the end of the street, an upbeat, exciting band playing. Something electric and happy, a large crowd of people dancing and laughing.  
Louis and Carter stood on the outside of the crowd as their group went closer to dance, the sun beginning to lower a bit.  
"How did you meet them?" Louis asked, his voice raised a bit, pleased when the loud music brought Carter a few steps closer.  
"Well, I met Acel in school, actually." He spoke, giving Louis his attention with his eyes and his shoulders angled towards him a bit. "And, Amy is a mutual friend, we met her when we came to France. Charlie is more Acel's friend than mine, same with Amalie."  
"Amy is really nice." The music was loud and thick, warm and happy, making him feel happy as well.  
"Yeah, she is." He agreed. "She's an artist. She really likes you, she says she likes your aura." Carter smiled, his brow creasing when he said aura.  
"Oh." Louis laughed, "When did she say that?"  
"When Charlie was trying to get you to do shots with him." He rolled his eyes, remembering the single shot he took with Charlie. Charlie had said he was good at it and they should have a contest, but Louis had done his fair share of reckless drinking and tonight he wanted to be sober.  
"Okay, what about Acel, what's his story."  
"He's in a major pretty similar to mine, just with less books." He shrugged, "We met years ago. He's my closest friend actually."  
Louis nodded, glancing away to mask how disappointing it was to hear about his replacement. His best friend. The title that he'd given up.  
"He seems kind of... serious." Louis mumbled, shifting. Carter's brow twitched.  
"Yeah, he's acting stand offish. I don't know... He's just headstrong, I guess. He's strong willed."  
They fell quiet for a moment and Carter held his gaze for a moment before breaking to look at the lights. Louis was sort of glad he looked away, because now he could watch him freely.  
And he was beautiful. Once again. Louis didn't know if he couldn't stomach it or if he wanted more, but his skin tingled just watching him. The lights from the stage gave him a whole different setting to be gorgeous in. The setting sun was obscured by the buildings around them, leaving the sky above them awash in light. In between the buildings, the light from the sky gave everyone a glow, but not enough to cancel out the bright colors from the stage. They danced across Carter's face and his pale, content eyes. So content - even in the face of Louis, who knows he's done such unforgivable wrongs and is here again - so at ease. Always at ease, when Louis worries or anticipates a storm and all he is met with is calm.  
Of all the many people here, Louis would say it surprised him that no one could draw his eye as Carter could, but it didn't surprise him at all.  
Louis spends the day next to him, and after a while, Carter nods for him to follow and they leave the crowd his friends had disappeared into. They don't talk much at all, really, and Carter walks with him down the length of the festival boulevard. He shows him the shops he likes and tells him about the bookstore they had met up with his friends at. How he had spent hours in there, and that the reason his friends had made the joke about him camping was because the employees had once shooed him out at closing. He blames it on his degree, but Louis smiles and without saying anything Carter shrugs and laughs, admitting he studies and reads too much.  
The festival had variety; loud and raucous at some points and quiet and calmer at others. By the end of the day, Louis feels so happy and content he doesn't notice it's time to go home. Being glued to Carter's side made him feel right. In an irrational, warm way, it made him feel more stable. More equipped to deal with anything. More easy going, more comfortable living.  
He doesn't even mind that they've gone a whole second day without confronting anything, it actually feels okay somehow. He always expects things and then Carter makes them someway he didn't even know was acceptable. But here he was, just walking with him, not really talking about anything important, and he felt like things were in order. That everything was fine, really.  
He had a steady growing warmth and comfort in his stomach by the time they had walked together for ten minutes. Every time Carter pointed at something and talked about it, or asked Louis a question, or paused to look inside a window, the warmth settled more comfortably in his skin.  
Just staying in step with him, next to his side, things were more in order. More stable. Right in a way that Louis had forgotten about.  
The sun had been fully set for a while and Carter led them back to the bookshop.  
"Here, this is the entrance to the back." Carter led him through a door near the back of the shop, nestled between shelves of books.  
"Wow." Louis muttered, eyes wide. The shop was much larger than it looked in the front. Through the door, the ceiling raised up and the walls expanded, opening up to isles of shelves.  
"Yeah, it's huge." Carter chuckled, leading him down the isles and showing him the parts where the lights were out and shuffling passed some stray readers buried in books.  
"No wonder you missed closing, time may as well not exists in here." Louis joked and Carter laughed once, giving him a look of serious agreement.  
"This is the music section, they keep really old records in here." Carter showed him. It was a tiny, secluded area in a corner. He had to tip his head back to see the full range of music, thinking about how remarkably heavy the store must be all together.  
"They're not playing anything in here." Louis noted quietly, looking through the music with careful fingers.  
"Yeah, they do in the front sometimes but... back here, I've never heard it." He mumbled, hands in his pockets as he watched Louis shuffled through all of the disks.  
"These are old." He whispered, eyes wide. "I wonder if they're on the internet, I kind of want to hear them."  
"Amy has a vinyl player, she'd let you use."  
"I'm kind of scared to pull these things out of their spots. They look like they might crumble." They huffed quietly.  
"Have you ever listened to any of these?" Louis asked, on his toes and looking at the dates of the records he inched out of their slots.  
"No." He murmured, pausing for a few moments. "I could never have understood music the same way you have."  
Louis frowned, rejecting that feeling. Looking over his shoulder Carter's steady grey eyes never wavered, hands in his pockets. All broad shoulders and warm presence.  
He wanted Carter to have the ability to experience what he did with music, or at least enjoy it.  
"Of course you have." He mumbled.  
"No..." He smiled and shrugged. "Music is about feelings, and I never did that as well as you. All the music I've ever liked has been because I heard it with you. You were what made me... feel the most. It works for you. I never felt things the way you did. So intensively. You feel with all of yourself, always did."  
Louis stared at him, not sure what to say. He nodded and turned away when he decided there wasn't any proper way to respond to him. Louis thinks his head is too often in the clouds.  
His friends returned to the shop eventually, meeting up with them near the door and leaving the festival together. Louis waited for the last minute to put more than a few steps in between them, feeling thankful that Carter made it easy to walk next to him.  
He assured him he'd text him tomorrow.  
He didn't fully understand it; it was so easy for Carter. So easy to walk together - without thinking for the moment about what was done - when Louis knew that there was so much he had ruined. Louis' decision had not only changed everything about both of their lives, but taken away Carter's will as an equal member of their relationship. He would expect any other person to feel discomfort, to feel residual hate for him, to find it hard to walk by his side; he knows he did. It had taken him years to re learn being comfortable with what he had done. It had taken Louis nearly seven years to be able to walk by his own side once again, and yet Carter has done it in one day.  
Still, there were things to be understood, and Louis knew he may never regain the love he once had. If he didn't, he decided, than it would be enough to love him from his side of the glass. Yet Carter's acceptance of his company made it seem like it was okay.  
If he never did anything more than walk next to him, he'd do that.


	58. Chapter 58

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School and band have come back so it's so hard for me to get my head in this story to write. I will not cease writing it, just slower. Anyway, thanks.

_"We are ancient, you and I. We are clumsy newborns with curious hands. We are the stars that caught fire in the cosmos, generations before the Earth pressed it's molten clay together. Once - we were the youngest creatures to ever exist. Now, we are_ _poets and_ _landmines. We are volatile and reckless and in love."_  
_-Old Souls, Ashe Vernon_

"You're alone." Louis smiled, on reflex now, brushing his hair back.  
"I am." Carter returned his grin, the sun shining down on him in the street. He looked as steady as the cobblestone he stood on.  
"And you have a plan, it looks." He chuckled, Carter nodded.  
"Let's go!" He waved and Louis' feet picked up, following him along.  
A cab and a short walk later and Carter stopped in front of a building. The lobby was small and he followed closely as Carter led him up an elevator and into a hallway. Reaching a door at the end of the hall, high up in the building, he produced a key and unlocked a door. Looking over his shoulder he smiled like partners in adventure, nodding his chin forward to be followed.  
Louis stepped inside, feeling like a stag stepping into an open field. The field is wide open, and so is the eye of the stag, wide with discovery and anticipation.  
"Here we are." Carter smiled, tossing his keys as if symbolically onto a small table in front of a couch. The front door to the apartment opened into a small, but almost warm living room. A couch and a small arm chair rested around a coffee table. Under Louis' feet, carpeting stretched forward. A modest TV in front of the furniture, and a stack of movies on a small cupboard. Past the living room was a kitchen, also small and cozy, tile flooring running a path into the kitchen and across a walkway to the right.  
"This is..." Louis questioned, taking in the living space.  
"This is home." Carter stood in front of him, shrugging. Louis looked around silently before nodding in response.  
His home, the place that unassuming teenager had grown up to inhabit.  
Carter waved his hand and Louis followed him along, through the living room and onto the tile. The walkway between the kitchen and the other room had a table in it, covered in papers. He glanced at the kitchen and Carter paused for him before leading him to another doorway. Carter stepped to the side and let Louis pass through the door, wide eyes quiet as he stepped into the bedroom. He paused in the middle of the small room, mouth open a tiny bit.  
The room was relatively small, made even more so by the bookshelves and the dresser crowding the walls. Some books lay open to as if to save the page on the shelf top, the floor beneath his feet carpeted. A good sized bed, no frame, lay pushed into the top corner of the room, Grey sheets and comforter spread in a mess over the mattress. If he looked for a moment longer, he could probably study the pattern in the sheets that told the imprint of the last time Carter had slept there. Awash in the day's sunlight, the bed was the seat of the audience to the view.  
The view was seen through wide, floor to ceiling windows. The windows converged on the vertex and framed the corner of the bed. The view of the city and what was beyond it lay outside, seen from the sky. The light from the day cut through the room, stopping on the floor before Louis' feet, seeming to spotlight the bed as the most inviting thing ever seen.  
"This is your room." His voice a bit cut off.  
"Yeah, it's kind of expensive but I really liked it. It was kind of the reason I don't live closer to work. The bathroom is tiny. Sometimes, in the summer when the sun is too much, I hang curtains to keep the light out. I usually end up waiting until the bed is too hot to sleep in before I do that." He chuckled, "But I don't really mind any of the cons, the pros are pretty good."  
_Pretty good..._ Louis stepped forward once, studying the bookshelves and the almost perfect mess. A pair of pants in a clump next to the dresser, a couple of note riddle papers on the floor next to the bed.  
He stepped forward quietly, his body moving into the shafts of side cast light, next to the bed. Looking down at it, it was almost beautiful. The sheets were so plain, ash Grey, with no texture or design. Their crinkled, messy ridges lay a playground for the sun to play in. And at this time of day, it was a soft, nearly pastel painting of shadows that the ridges cast in the blankets. But his mind imaged the way the sun would strike stunning colors and varying degrees of shadows. He imaged how the painting this bed seemed to make would change everyday, the way he knew that the world and the sun did, orchestrating a new work of temporal art everyday.  
He reached out his hand and his shoulders drooped so he could brush his fingers in greeting across the sheets. The bed came to the middle of his thighs. His fingers met the soft materiel of the comforter, tracing their way along to the thin sheets. His thoughts flickered to the tangle of naked bodies in the thin sheets, thick blanket kicked heedlessly to the side, hanging off the bed. He imagined bodies wrapped halfway up in the cool sheets, the coinciding of two breaths, the soft, darker light of morning or dusk.  
His hand pressed into the bed, palm flat. The sun had warmed it, natural heat glowing along side the cool touch of the air conditioning.  
Of all the beautiful things he'd seen, he had sometimes assumed that less worldly views would pale in comparison. How resilient the beauty of the world was, and it showed in the sheets of Carter Rose's bed.  
"The sun isn't always on the bed which works well, so you don't always have to lay in it." Carter murmured quietly. Louis' stomach pitched with such an ache that he swallowed. Does he know that it sounds so much like an invitation. Like a proposal, or an offering. Why does he have to make it sound like that. Like he would ever assume to spend one night in the nest of warmth and the view of the city mingling like chatting ancient friends with the sky.  
"The pro's are nice. The sun sets to the side, so if you sit in the right place you can see it, but the sky you can see the whole time, I really like that. In the middle of the day the bed is all in the shade. And it's not to small a place for me, and it's got a pretty calm community in the building." He quieted a small bit, voice still friendly and casual, "I thought you'd like it, seemed like you.. would."  
"I do." Louis mumbled, clearing his throat quietly and pulling his hand from the sheets, "It's nice. Beautiful." He stepped away from the bed, looking at the expansive view. He'd seen worse cities. Turning to face him, Carter stood quietly where he'd been the whole time, hands in his pockets and looking like he always did. Unfair and perfect.  
He stepped forward closer, leaving a comfortable distance but making him want to either back away or close the distance. It was a shame that his presence made it hard to just be near him. He wished he could be near him without wanting more.  
"What do you say we make lunch, before work? I can show you the rest of the things in the place." He offered, his gentle voice seeming to gracefully ease Louis into lighter thoughts.  
There seemed to be endless interest in all the books and movies and lighthearted stories there were to be shared. The visit was too short for his liking, disappointed when Carter had to go to work.  
Louis almost regretted how much like home the little place felt already. He knew just how unpleasant it would make leaving feel, manifesting in the dragging of his feet along the sidewalk when it was time to leave.


	59. Chapter 59

_"And you asked me, how do you feel when you're away?_  
_And you asked me, how do you pass the days?_  
_'Cause I can still remember when you were afraid of the dark and I asked you to come, and you followed. Where I asked you to go, you would go."_  
_-Turnover, Dizzy On The Comedown_

 

"A plan for today?" He smiled, following Carter into his apartment.  
"I've got a few up my sleeve." He chuckled. Louis followed him through into the living room. Carter picked up a cylindrical tube from the couch, wrapped in plastic. He watched, brows lifted in surprise as he pulled the plastic off and tossed it aside. He knelt on the carpet next just in front of the TV, unrolling the long tube and flattening out a rather large, thick paper.  
"Oh." Louis' wide eyes blinked, standing before a very large world map. Carter pushed the edges flat with his hands, long arms sliding over the poster sized map. Leaning back, he sat back, looking up at Louis with a smile. The look caught Louis for one moment, standing like a statue in his living room. His eyes held the strongest remnants yet of his nearly oblivious innocence. Between the off guard shock and the memories in Louis' thoughts, he felt almost like home had come out of hiding. He'd thought it was gone, but here it was, as unchanging as the waves on the beaches. Saying hello from behind the gentle smile Carter gave him.  
He blinked and shook his head a little, coughing quietly. "What's this?" He knelt beside him in front of the map.  
"It's for you." Carter smiled, and the almost cloudy softness in his mannerisms was accompanied in a kind of harmony with his quick, intelligent, bright awareness that worked despite seeming to contradict.  
Louis glanced over the wide, impressive map but sitting within a few inches of Carter wasn't something that allowed for much distraction. He would have a hard time keeping his eyes away from Carter's presence next to him if he tried at all.  
"I wanted to know where you... went." Carter shared, voice faltering from the tone of the best friend he'd heard so many times. He had meant he wanted to see the places Louis had traveled too, but in the process wandered over to wanting to see where Louis had gone; two very different ideas. But he seemed to adjust to talking about the black mark on their history, as it was with every time they accidentally spoke of it, getting better and more comfortable touching the open wound together.  
"Okay." Louis nodded, wanting so badly to appease him and to just be in harmony with him, so happy to be doing something with his friend. "I'll show you."  
Carter produced a black marker from the coffee table, setting it on the map.  
"I wanted you to kind of, mark the path so I could see." He shifted backwards to give him room. Louis looked at him and hoped he didn't look too stupid, staring for a moment before turning his gaze to the map. It was silly but his eye caught on the Atlantic Ocean and he remembered how familiar he had become with it in high school.  
He stared for a few moments as the feeling of quiet eagerness dawned on him. He actually wanted to show him. He had never been extremely fond of talking about where he'd gone, finding it unfullfilling and strange. Sitting right in front of him now was the one person he actually wanted to talk to about it and the tools to make it vividly clear which way he had gone. Carter was the only person who he felt truly connected too when speaking with, and suddenly he felt like this huge part of his life was able to finally be shared with someone else - not just someone else - him.  
He picked up the marker and leaned forward, finding that he had to steady his hand on the paper to actually reach the whole thing. When he started, he silently focused until he was done. He started at the tiny town in the corner of their country where they'd grown up and drew a line down to Mexico, straight and clean, remembering all those years ago. He remembered the time he didn't waste getting out of the country. Once he got to Mexico he drew a straight, but dotted line through the country. At Guatemala the line turned back into a straight line, with purpose, coursing through to Nicaragua and Panama, into Colombia. The line trailed in some turns and loops that he remembered taking, surely missing so many, flowing down through Peru into Chile, then away from the coast and across the Andes into Argentina. He drew a quick circle around Peru and Buenos Aries, pulling the line into Brazil. He circle places in Brazil he had stopped, Såo Paulo, Rio, and Belo Horizonte. The line arched across the Atlantic Ocean, landing in Portugal. Then into Spain, a circle around the place he had met David, up into France. The line circling Lyon, curving into the United Kingdom, circling London and Edinburgh. The line then turned to dashes again, heading to the border of Italy. He made it accurate, not taking time to think about the telling marks, the line turning on a dime and inverting away from Italy. The marker moved up through France and through Luxembourg to the Netherlands, circling around Amsterdam. Dipping down moved steadily south east to circle Albania. After circling Albania, it moved eastern to India, curving a little bit to wander in the land. Then through Bangladesh, circling in a large expanse over Thailand, Malaysia and Indonesia. The line picked back up and stopped in Australia before making a defined path off of the eastern end of the map, his body shifting to the left and picking the line up on the western edge of the map, landing in Oregon again.  
He sat back, exhaling heavily. Carter's eyes wide at the map, Louis capped the marker, waiting.  
"Damn." Carter mumbled.  
"It was a long time... I was lucky."  
"So..." His eyes flicked over the line, returning to the front of it in Mexico, pointing. "What does that mean?"  
"Here is where I got into Mexico, and I don't remember where I was, so I can't really make an accurate track of it. I mean, the whole thing is rough to say the least but here I really have no idea where so that's the dashes. Then in Guatamala, I kind of remember that. I mean, it's a relatively narrow strip so that helps. But on the Panama pass and into South America, I remember it because it was really scary." He pointed and spoke to him, Carter's eyes attentive, passing between him and the map. "It was so scary. I got pretty close to being deported a handful of times, but this was the first time. It was really nerve racking, I was so sure I was going to get arrested." Carter's eyes was alive with his story, coloring as Louis chuckled in remembrance.  
"Then, around here I don't really know for sure, but I got to Peru. I remember that. That's where I stopped for a few weeks, that's what the circles are for." He paused, "This is actually where I first called Jason after leaving."  
"He didn't know you'd gone?" He looked at him, brow furrowed.  
"He knew... He didn't know where I'd gone, though. I guess... I didn't know either, and I didn't really want to talk."  
"Why, did he do something? I mean, you didn't really talk much about that kind of thing... back then, but that seems like... a lot to not tell him." Louis' eyes fell, returning to the map.  
"I was upset at the time." He murmured, pausing. "I was pretty... I left not even two weeks after... you did."  
He felt his gaze on him, not sure what was in it, keeping his on the map. It was quiet for few moments. Louis waited, giving him time to say something before he returned to explaining it, following the track as it hugged the coastline, talking about Brazil and withholding the state he remembers being in so clearly.  
"And then, Europe was a whole different world." Louis shook his head, "So many different cultures and... languages."  
"Do you have a favorite?"  
"A favorite language?"  
"Yeah... or accent."  
Louis smiled and his head hung to the side in fondness. He immediately thought of the sound of Carter's voice and how beautiful it was. A favorite accent or language - surely anything he spoke was it.  
"They're all so beautiful. I guess... I don't know. I really liked any of the Spanish accents. Which surprised me, but yeah - and the European accents. I can't really say, though, they were all so nice. When I came back home, it was almost unpleasant... not to hear any voices like that. All of them sounded just like mine and it was so unusual. It sounds unrealistic, but I felt like I understood the feeling of foreign culture when I got back home." He paused, thumb grazing the edge of the map. "Just... the sound of the voices I always loved."  
His head still turned down at the map, he looked to him, comforted by his stable presence and soft eyes. He thought about the comfort of his voice. How much more beautiful it was in comparison to all others. How familiar it was. Familiar was such a warm word when he paired it with Carter. The sound of his voice felt ancient. Like it was the sound that had birthed the stars in the sky. The sound he had been born to the song of. A voice as ancient as his existence felt. The voice of his home, of life.  
"You've been everywhere." Carter breathed, eyes washing over the map with wonder and then returning to him. The gaze that shook him down.  
"Well... That's something I definitely learned from it. That it's impossible to see it all." He took a moment to notice how nice it was to be communicating with him, how connected it made him feel. He felt understood and like he was sharing something that could be received by someone else, in ways he didn't feel with others. "You could go everywhere, could see... every country there is. But the world is... not big, really, but deep. Everywhere you go there is somewhere hiding behind a corner or just down the street or up the mountain a ways, down the river, and there's a whole new part of the world. And it always changes. So many little pockets of the world, and they're all there. I feel like I could go away for as many years all over again and see all new things and still have so much more in wait."  
Carter's eyes that listened with such interest to the things he was saying flickered away, a shadow of displeasure in them. Louis frowned, understanding the sentiment.  
"That's part of why the world is so nice. I don't even have to go anywhere to see good things."  
Carter's brow creased a bit and smiled, huffing an exhale at the map.  
"You've always been so interesting." He murmured, looking at the map for a few seconds before looking at Louis' hands, pressed together in front of him. "It's crazy to see - ... Who'd have thought you'd go so far."  
His words were bittersweet, making Louis yearn for him. He stayed quiet though until Carter continued speaking.  
"Its... you. All of this makes sense, it's just the kind of thing you would do." He smiled softly, still looking at his track on the map. "Amazing."  
Louis had kind of lost feeling of who he was at a point in his life, but right now he felt like he understood exactly who he was. Good parts and bad. With that simple adjective, Louis felt so much more secure in his identity, and even semi proud of it - so much more than he had ever felt about what he was as an adult.  
At times, being around Carter his ego made a shallow appearance. He felt self conscious and guilty that he wasn't brilliant enough to proudly show himself to Carter. He felt like a bird trying to attract a mate with sub par feathers, if only he could just brighten them or arrange them in a way that made him as worthy as the other birds. He felt that he didn't have anything substantial to show for his education past high school. But, at times like these, he felt that he didn't have to be worried. That Carter was still curious about what he did and didn't mind that he didn't have any degrees to show for it. It amazed him that he saw the good Louis didn't even acknowledge in himself.  
As if Carter just turned on a light in the room and Louis' feathers suddenly glimmered like he wanted them too. He felt so relieved. His feathers were fine. The light was just in the wrong spot - silly Louis.  
"Do you like talking about this? All these places you went?" Carter finally gave him his gaze again, thankfully at the right time, any earlier and Louis didn't know how to handle it.  
"I didn't for a while... And some of it I don't talk about. But a lot of it I love. Just... no one is really interested in hearing about it. They all want to hear about the places and not... I don't know. What I liked about it."  
"I want to hear." Carter's grin made Louis want to roll his eyes and groan for years. Such a care free, silly grin. So stupidly perfect. Carter sat up a little straighter and nodded at the map, "We made a pretty convenient visual to use."  
Louis' smile itched and grew against his will until he was huffing a laugh and rolling his eyes. "...Okay."  
_I wish you'd seen it._ He thought. _And not just the beautiful things like the ocean and the mountains. I want you to see the way the sky looked after the sun had just disappeared as the road rushed past smoothly and the window down, the air through your hair, your arm out the window. Running For Cover playing in the car as the horizon stretched in front of you and you don't even know where you're going._  
How infinite his heart had felt, even after the pain, how much peace he was able to find inside those moments. How warm it felt, how soft. The way the world held him in it's arms and showed him that no matter how much it hurt, it would be okay, because he had to learn to let go. He remembered the way he held onto Carter when he was younger, how when he hugged him he squeezed and, when they held hands, he held with his whole hand. And how when he kissed he pressed their chins together and their mouths close and their noses brushed. How tightly he held on. And that even he could let go. That was the peace he found in the sunsets on the road. He kind of wished Carter would know how beautiful those moments were.  
Not just the waterfalls and underwater caves.  
He shared a quiet, suspended smile in time with him. Shaking his head he looked away.  
It was all so beautiful, and the person sitting beside him could trump every last one of the places he'd been.


	60. Chapter 60

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there's anyone in the abyss, I am still writing this, but I'm at school Monday - Friday from 6:30-5:40 everyday. It's hell.

_"I've seen the world, done it all, had my cake now._  
_Hot summer nights, mid July, when you and I were forever wild._  
_And all the ways I got to know your pretty face and electric soul."_  
_-Young and Beautiful, Lana Del Rey_

"Where are we going?" Louis frowned.  
"You agreed we could go wherever I wanted last night, didn't you?" He smirked, head tilting alluringly to the side as he laughed at him from the back of their cab, arm resting over the back of the seat. The city flitted past them in pretty flashes under the overcast weather. He made it hard to care where they were going. They had decided, more or less consciously, to take day trips, orchestrated by either of them and taking turns. In Louis' head, he couldn't help his sarcastic humor, calling them 'friend dates'.  
"You didn't tell me it was a secret." He countered, his mouth tilted quietly at the sides and his eyes mixed with interest and concern.  
"It won't be for long, love. Just relax, you're in France. It's slow here sometimes." Louis stomach felt like a pack of ice had been emptied into it, then quickly melted in response to his choice of words. He didn't let it show, hoping the effect of the term wasn't noticeable in little movements he knew could give him away if Carter payed attention.  
"I know, I lived here for a few months." He mumbled, noticing the interested quirk to his brow.  
"Oh?" His eyes payed closer attention to him and Louis damned his hands, pressed together in his lap and twitching in reaction to him. "How?"  
"I had someone I was living with for a while. In Lyon." He murmured, almost saying 'friend' and then remembering how discomforting it is to lie to him, if the lie mattered or not.  
"Did you like Paris?"  
"I never went." He mumbled, looking down and smiling bashfully.  
"That's ironic."  
"I know." They chuckled.  
"I'll have to take you sometime." Carter smiled easily, but the little inspecting flicker in his eyes gave him away.  
They arrived at the mystery's location, the air outside beginning to chill noticeably, Louis looking around for clues. It seemed like any normal building, lofts high up and shops on the lower end. Louis followed him through the building like a maze, walking inside and up stares. He looked around feeling strange just walking up into a building that seemed professional. He didn't falter, just following along. The halls were small and compact, elevators taking them up. In the elevator as they rose, Louis looked at him with a creased brow and a little look of strange curiosity. Carter looked back at him at him for him a moment, a mindless smile in return to his strange gaze.  
"I know where I'm going." Carter blurted, smile revealing teeth, interest and playfulness in his eyes. Louis shook his head and looked upwards, huffing a laugh in response.  
When released from the elevator, he was led to a door. It looked like an apartment. Carter knocked, waiting. The door opened and a sleepy looking woman with a pen in her hand and glasses pushed up to pin back her hair like a headband.  
"Bonjour, ca va?" Carter greeted her. She smiled in return and stepped forward to give him a gentle hug in greeting.  
"Ah, ca va bien. Et toi?" She stepped back, waving them along and Louis stepped forward before him on his prompt into the apartment. It looked normal for one moment but as Louis looked around, he quickly realized this wasn't the case. He looked around as Carter and the woman spoke together in the small kitchen at the front of the flat.  
The flat itself looked more like a library than a home. Like a small library, books organized in shelves and unorganized in other places. At first it would appear as a hoarder's cluttered living space. But after a moment, Louis saw the light from windows streaming into the shelves of books. The light having broken through the clouds in today's sky as just to show Louis the strange library's beauty. The shafts of light floated down and lay stripes on the spines of the books, dust floating in the air. The woman finished her greetings and waved her hand carelessly at the flat, nodding as Carter came back to his side.  
"What is this place?" He asked, wondrous eyes looking up at him.  
"Well, it started as a trade off for college students to receive their books. It was kind of like an underground book place for students to get books for free and give books and share notes and information. Then some of the literature students who were studying poetry started hiding restricted books in here and I hear it just grew. I guess. My friends showed it to me... I haven't been here in a while."  
"She runs it out of her apartment?"  
"Mhm." Carter nodded, "But that's not what we're here for." Louis got chills for a moment as he followed behind him, walking into the hallway. The hallway led down to the end, an open door letting out sunlight from the inside of the room.  
Louis stopped behind Carter where he did in the hall, looking away from the door and back at him in question. He nodded his head forward, telling him to go. Louis raised his brow and stepped forward, pushing the door open with the tips of his fingers. His head to the side, he looked as the door swung open harmlessly. Inside was a horizontally strung piano. One window let in the nearly weak light from outside.  
Louis wasn't sure what to say, understanding clicking into place. His arm fell from the air where the door had been, taking one step forward. He glanced back at Carter, approaching the side of it.  
"How did she even... How is this in here?" He mumbled, his fingers dragging across the rim of the body. The top propped up, he could see inside. Walking along it's length, his fingers trailing along the side, he stopped at the bench.  
"She said it came with the apartment, the person before her left without getting it out."  
Carter pulled a chair next to the bench, one of the few around the room, pushing it close and sitting down. He placed himself next to the open strings of metal inside and right to the side of the keys. He gave him a wide eyed, soft smile, waiting. Louis' mouth opened to answer, shaking his head slowly and huffing in disbelief.  
He stepped forward and looked at the piano, surprised to see it in good condition and sleek with it's beauty. Sitting down his thoughts and body fell quickly into it's familiar setting when placed on a piano bench.  
As Carter folded his hands in his lap and waited patiently, Louis didn't have to wait long before his memory provided him with familiar moments. He had the reason why Carter sat where he did, quite situated and seemingly knowledgeable about exactly where he wanted to be.  
He remembered two things. one was the way a seventeen year old boy used to sit with his back against a vertical piano. The way he liked to lay his head against the wood, out of sight from Louis. it was the loudest point of a piano to be in, and if a mistake were made or even a key not played, Louis supposes it would be heard in the spot where he liked to sit. Secondly, he remembers that Carter watched his hands closely.  
Where he was sitting now was in conjunction with both of those things. He could see the range of keys perfectly, see Louis' face, perfectly, and hear the vibrations from the piano in a reminiscent way.  
"Are you sure you want to sit there, this piano might be loud... And the top is open, it might sound overplayed if it's... you're there." He mumbled, feeling self conscious under such sensitive observation. Carter only smiled softly in content and nodded his head.  
"I want to see you play." He answered. The simple words made him feel warm and nervous.  
He put his hands to the keys and brushed his worry away, always able to shed his weight better when he played. He ran his fingers in a few arpeggios and thirds, feeling out the sound, volume, and quality of the piano as well as the resistance in the keys and the give of the smooth drops.  
"This is really nice..." Louis mumbled, "Really good."  
He eventually began. He felt really good within the first few measures. Between the euphoric quality of the piano he was lucky to play and the fact that he was being watched by the only person he'd ever wanted to play for, he could almost feel the pleasure loosening the muscles in his arms and sending satisfaction in the form of the light sensation of his fingers as they moved in ease and floated pleasingly.  
His attention should have been split between the song and the man next to him, but it didn't feel that way. It felt like his focus on the song was so easily shared with Carter and he felt good. He couldn't help but feel pleased, not missing a note or a style, not missing the grey eyes that watched his fingers and his face.  
He had never felt so happy to be playing, he believed.  
He had never felt a need to play for others. He had always loved the music, alone. Carter was the only person that surprised him when he felt pleasure being heard by him. He felt good. He felt like he could talk to Carter with his hands. About nothing and everything. That Carter cared about a huge part of him, his music, that he cared - that he was interested in Louis' interests - how loved it could make him feel. How close.  
He played like he could get on his knees and melt if he weren't' busy. Hyper aware of the beautiful, warm, soft, grey gaze on him.  
He didn't miss a single note. When he finished, he looked at his hands and exhaled quietly.  
"Perfect." Carter mumbled, his eyes still on him and absolutely captivating him. Louis wanted to say that no performance was perfect, that there was always something to improve upon, not that it took away from the perfect feeling he derived from it. But today, when he opened his mouth, he didn't say that. He didn't know that there was anything about that performance, right down to the person he was playing to, that he would change.  
"Thank you." He blushed, wondering where all of his brash smirking and pridefulness had gone. it felt replaced by a tamed, grateful, pleasure in being praised and payed attention to. He didn't know how he had ever gotten this whipped, like he could roll over and bask in praise, unable to muster up any bravado when silenced so efficiently by a single word or even - God help him - a look.  
He felt perfect in this way. He still felt his fire. In fact, he felt more like an untamed lion than he had felt in years. He felt like he was a force of nature, made of reckless abandon and the freedom of no fear. The lungs of the ocean winds and the heart made of wild. He felt like himself.  
Somehow, Carter made him feel tamed and so untamed. He had to reign his blush and thoughts in before he got carried away. This wasn't a date and Carter wasn't his. He reminded himself that what he felt or did not didn't mean that Carter had any intention or care for this feeling, and he had no obligation to do so.  
He smiled and laughed softly, feeling okay to reign this all in. For God's sake, he reminded himself, he's sitting next to his best friend. That's a simple, right feeling if he's looking for one. And he enjoyed it, hoping his companion knew how glad he was that he listened to him play.  
"I've been looking at this piano for a good few years now." Carter looked at it, quiet for a few moments. "Wondered what you'd think of it." He mumbled, almost whispered, not meeting his eyes.  
"It's beautiful, Carter." Louis mumbled, trying not to let the look on his face show too clearly.  
Carter smiled gracefully, looking back at his hands. "I did think you'd think that."


	61. Chapter 61

_"Baby, go. Move countries. Break my heart. But when you're back, I'm going to be here. It's always going to be you."_  
_-Unknown_

Louis has been happy. So happy he thinks he wakes up every morning with a near instant grin or happy disposition.  
On the days that Carter is at work or busy, Louis waits patiently and occupies himself. The first time this happened he felt silly for a moment, quickly remind himself to be productive weather he was with him or not. He spent those days exploring the city around Carter's home, taking day trips around the outskirts of it to less urban areas miles away from Paris.  
It's gotten cold as winter truly set in, bringing out all of the warm clothes Louis had brought with him, which was sparse. He blamed it on the habits he had picked up that made up his way of life when traveling, habits that were slightly unnecessary now.  
He gets to enjoy Carter's company with increasing frequency as the days pass, and it seems like a dream. Little things became normal for Louis to tag along to, things like food shopping and errand running. Domestic, normal things which Louis finds himself both elated to help with and melancholic as well. Things like this remind him of the most simple, basic parts of life that he had never gotten to share with Carter. Things that he had opted out of and run away from; their early twenties and becoming adults together.  
The little things now added up until Louis was watching movies with him in the warm apartment, becoming his friend again. It felt wonderful. He'd been so wrapped up in his love for him that he'd forgotten how easy it was to be his friend as well.  
He's inspired, too. Being away from a piano has been harder than ever. He feels silly and fanatical even thinking it, but he could swear just being near him has made stable his identity. He hadn't even noticed the imbalance in it when he had left him as kids, and yet now the world made so much more sense. He'd never been so easily inspired by simple things in daily life, for his music. Things that didn't always even relate to Carter.  
He is all of these things but also, as is not out of pattern, he is worried. He feels unsure of himself sometimes, of their relationship to each other. They haven't spoken about it. The eight year long hiatus that had lay it's heavy, empty space into their time line. The black mark that Louis had created. Carter hadn't brought up the topic of Louis' leaving him those years ago, or him being gone at all. It was something that worried Louis.  
But on the days that they're together, Louis can sometimes forget his worry. Today, the cold chasing them into Carter's apartment, they attempted to make some kind of sweet that Carter liked from the bakeries in France. Carter was reading a friend's recipe, muttering under his breath as Louis mixed ingredients in a bowl.  
Looking around, Louis was thankful it wasn't his job to interpret the foreign language scattered across the labels of the neatly canned and bottled spices and sugars. Carter sighed and frowned, crossing his arms as he read the recipe.  
"Can you run and get my phone, please, I gotta call Amy. You'd think artist's handwriting would be legible." Louis laughed, wiping his hands on a towel.  
"Where is it?" He glanced up from the book, his distracted crease in his brow faltering.  
"On the bed, thanks, Lou." Louis' stomach hitched with butterflies again, settling quicker this time.  
He padded from the kitchen, pushing open the bedroom door. His happy eyes widened as they lifted to the walls around the bed. He paused for a moment, eyes wide with wonder at the windows where the pale light shown into the room.  
"Carter! Come look, come look, come look!" He called, crawling onto the bed, tucking his feet under him and sitting up to look higher into the sky and over the city. Carter's heavier footfalls jogged to the door, he looked over his shoulder to see him in the threshold. His hands against the frame, all broad shoulders and tall body, eyes wide and pretty as ever.  
"It's snowing!" Louis murmured, looking back out over the city. The sky was peppering little white flakes that fell like rain drops in slow motion. Whole armies of little white flecks floated down from the white sky, drifting towards the city below. The scene was viewed so beautifully from hundreds of feet in the air, some flakes so close to the window he could watch their path come and go, and some blurring in the distance. A magic scene of a winter wonderland.  
He felt the bed dip around him and his excited smile faltered in distraction, turning his head to see Carter crawling up to his side to sit next to him. His thoughts stilled in reaction to his presence on the bed so close, his excitement still their only less hectic. He couldn't say it didn't give him a little thrill of excitement in his blood at the feel of his weight on the bed next to him. It was just such a wonderful bed, and Louis had regarded it as so comfortable and the place Carter slept.  
It was nearly silly being attached to a bed, certainly not something he had ever done before. Although, when he thought about it, he had held another bed as a special object before as well. Carter's bed in that little, wood paneled, bedroom back in their rainy town in Lauren's home. Back before the nineties had changed so very fast and his bedroom looked so much like the decade. He remembers how safe that little bed was, the place he had felt the safest in the world. Where nothing bad had ever really happened to him, where things were simple and easy.  
"You scared me." Carter huffed, smiling softly. He leaned on his arm, his long leg stretched out along the bed, the other bent beside him. His eyes were soft and content, happy as they looked out the window and then back at him.  
"It's so beautiful." Louis mumbled quietly, feeling calmed by him.  
"It is." He chuckled. Louis stared at him, not feeling as awkward for it as he had a week ago. Now Carter just let him, watching the snowy scene outside.  
He was truly beautiful. The light was pale and it overexposed his eyes, making them bright and lovely. The grey had turned to a silvery dove shade, pale and deep. They were calming and spirited.  
"Christmas is quite soon." Carter smiled, tilting his head to him and giving him his gaze. "I'm going to my dad's."  
"Oh." Louis kept his brow even, though his thoughts suddenly shifted to displeasure. They didn't have much time, Louis couldn't stay here forever. He had neglected to think about it recently, but he only had a few more weeks. "In Italy."  
"Yes, I was planning on you coming with me." Louis' smile sprung back to life at an embarrassing rate of recovery, making Carter's eyes sparkle.  
"Really?"  
"Yeah, my dad has never met you, you know."  
Louis was getting better at holding his gaze. Carter, unlike many people, was less inclined to the tiny discomforts and queues that came along with many conversations. Most don't hold unbroken eye contact, or at least a lot of people don't. Carter didn't seem to have a problem keeping his steady gaze, something Louis had been looking down from for a few weeks. But, like almost everything with him, it took little time for him to adjust to. Now he found it comforting that he could meet his eyes without looking away for so long.  
"I know." He paused, "Does he.. know who I am?" Even now, Carter kept his eyes.  
"I don't know how much he knows. He knows you're my friend and that I talked to you a lot in the summers. I suspect he asked my mother about me and that you came up. But we never talked about... you, really."  
Louis looked down at his hands, pale in the snowy light. He imagined Carter had to have been upset for his father to ask Lauren if something had happened to him.  
"He knows that I'm coming?"  
"I'm going to tell him soon."  
"Okay, cool." He smiled gently, nodding. They were quiet for a moment and Carter's smile turned almost mischievous.  
"My mother will like seeing you again, as well."  
Louis' eyes widened and his mouth dropped, looking at him in shock. Carter chuckled, his head tilted playfully to the side. He'd completely forgotten about Lauren coming to see him at Christmas time.  
"Does she know? I completely forgot..." Louis stuttered. Carter's playfulness waned and he lifted his head again.  
"I haven't told her yet, actually. I'll let her know, too, though." Louis frowned.  
"You do call her enough, don't you?"  
"Of course I do!" He defended, his playfulness returning, "I just didn't know what to say at first."  
"Oh, alright. I haven't seen her in so long. I don't know what to... I never even said goodbye to her." Louis mumbled, keeping his eyes away from him, voice quieting down. He had left Lauren without so much as a goodbye. The woman who had practically taken him in as a part-time son, she had grown on him in ways he hadn't expected from a parent. And he hadn't spoken a word to her in eight years, leaving without a sound. Carter watched him for a bit before murmuring to him almost soothingly.  
"You shouldn't worry. She's going to be glad to see you."  
Louis nodded to his hands, quietly trying not to frown too deeply.  
"You've always worried too much." Carter murmured softly to him. Between the snow and the warmth of the apartment and the softness of the bed, the weight of Carter next to him, the sweet smell of the pastries they hadn't finished cooking yet, and the reassuring tone Carter took with him as he addressed Louis' greatest fault, his throat closed up a little. He was so in love and it had just hopped up out of their easy going, platonic atmosphere of friendship like it did so often. He felt it in his muscles like a warm, hazelnut coffee, or a thick blanket around his shoulders. It wasn't like a feeling of love in his heart, it was like an atmosphere of it. He was comfortable and safe and he wanted to be close. He had to choke down his feelings, hands shifting in his lap, before he could respond.  
"Right." He huffed, smiling and nodding again.  
"Where's my phone, I want to make those pastries." Carter felt around in the bed and found it, standing and waving him along. His easy going smile seemed almost as if on purpose, to make Louis comfortable. He rolled his eyes and followed him, amazed at how much lighter his worries about Carter's parents felt. Things like that usually weighed heavier and held on longer.  
Those worries were so much less to carry by his side.


	62. Chapter 62

_"If I were the moon, I could catch your eye. I'm jealous of the moon._  
_If I were the wind, I would make you fly. I'm jealous of that, too._  
_I wish I were the sun shining on your face. Caressing like a lover._  
_I wish I were the rain running down your neck and dripping from your fingers."_  
_-I'm Jealous, Shania Twain_

It was almost like being back on the road. Right from the start. It was certainly different. He wasn't the same person anymore and he certainly didn't have the same type of wildness. But there were aspects that shine brighter still with Carter next to him.  
From the moment Louis led Carter to his small rented car, the look in both eyes had passed between them in a shared equilibrium. The look of wonder. The look of freedom and childishness. He'd ducked into the car and Carter had gotten in as well.  
Louis had driven away and couldn't help the way it felt. He rolled down the windows and continued to look at Carter's face. The wind in his hair. The way he looked in a moving car.  
Louis had traveled for seven years and imagined scenarios very near this exact one. It unfolded in front of him so simply. It seemed so easy, to just drive with Carter in the passenger seat, looking out the window and smiling the smile he'd been loving since he was thirteen.  
He always expected these things to be harder to attain. They always felt impossible. And he was always taken aback when Carter made things impossibly easy.  
They were going to his father's home, taking the car Louis had rented for his time here. It wasn't his fault that being in a moving car alone with Carter was probably one of his most happiest places. 

-

They stopped along the way at different places. The drive could have been shorter, but that's not what they seemed to want.  
The first night, as they began to get tired, Carter spoke up about stopping to sleep.  
"Well, there's a town up the road a ways. We can get a hotel." Louis murmured quietly. He was met with a few moments of silence before his response.  
"What would you have done?" Carter asked, his resonate voice and it's curiosity cutting into his soul like it always had done.  
"What would I have done when?"  
"When you were traveling. What would you have done to sleep in this circumstance?" Louis' smile grew, and he wondered at what it would be like to take this moment and send it back to his twenty three or four year old self. To say, _look what happens._  
"I wouldn't have had any money, so I literally couldn't have gotten a hotel. And hostels or hosts take more work... But even if I could I'd definitely sleep in the car. I mean, it's just where I slept if I was in a car. It's where everyone like me did."  
"Where?" Carter laughed. He looked out the dashboard at the road that stretched in front of them into the darkness. The fields to the left and right of them were occupied by crops, no buildings in sight.  
Louis looked at him and couldn't stop his smile from sticking to his face as he turned the wheel and hit the brakes. The car shuffled off of the road onto the grassy strip of shoulder, both of them silent as it halted to a complete stop. Louis turned the key and the engine silenced. Louis opened his door and stepped out, closing it and waiting for his companion to come out with him.  
Carter followed stood up and rested his arms on the hood of the car, looking at him with the endless youth in their eyes.  
"The view is a lot better than a hotel." Louis pointed up and Carter lifted his chin. The sky was scattered with stars cast across it's spread. The moon wasn't out tonight, leaving them cloaked in darkness and the stars stood out all the more.  
"Huh." Carter whispered.  
Carter was serious about seeing what Louis would have done, so Louis shrugged and did as he would have. He opened the trunk and took all of the clothes they had brought along and put them in the front seats. Once the back was empty, he lay the back seat down flat so that there was a flat stretch of bedding they could lay on.  
"You did this every time?" Carter laughed, looking at the make shift bed.  
"Well, not every time. I've slept in a lot of seats and it's always more comfortable than sleeping on concrete. Some people have vans that they put mattresses in... it ranges. This is just what I would have done for this circumstance. And because I doubt you can fall asleep sitting upright." Carter scoffed.  
"I've been through college, Louis, I may have a plethora of useless facts but I can sleep sitting up. I got something useful from it." Louis giggled and crawled in, pulling the blanket from his bags over himself. He lay Carter's blanket in a clump next to him and smiled as he looked at it for a moment. The sight of Carter squeezing his too long body into the car and shoving his legs into the back of the car was a sight to see. Louis couldn't stop from laughing as he squirmed and shuffled until he was laying in a very uncomfortable, compact position.  
Carter paused, laughing as Louis wheezed in his own laughter. He couldn't help it, holding his hand to his mouth as he cackled at the sight of him.  
"You've had your laugh." Carter shook his head, trying to arrange the blanket to cover his feet, leaving his chest out of the coverage.  
"You wanted to know." Louis smiled.  
"It's really cool." Carter smiled back to him and they lay in the dark, smiling like idiots. The width of the car didn't leave much space between them. There were a few inches of space between them that Louis felt hyper aware of. Everything was sensitive when he could see Carter's body so close to him, it's comforting shape so close.  
They lay there for a while and it became clearly obvious that they would be more comfortable if they stopped ignoring the space between them. After a while of laying in the silence, Louis swallowed and rolled his eyes. He told himself not to be childish or cowardly. So he stretched out, taking up some of the space. It was an offering. That it was okay. He felt Carter shuffle so that he was comfortable, too. It left their shoulders pressed together, his arm against his. He swore his heart rate would react to anything, beating loud enough that Louis worried he could hear it in his chest.  
"It's really cool that you did this." Carter whispered in the quiet.  
"Yeah." Louis choked, his voice steadier than it felt. "It was good."  
"Did it get old?" Louis closed his eyes and swallowed down the cry in his throat.  
"It got old on some nights. But not... traveling. I never wanted to go home. I don't know." He whispered, "It got old being someone who gave everything up everyday as a way of life. Sometimes."  
He was quiet for a moment and he didn't dare turn his head.  
"Sorry." Louis' voice came to take back what he'd said.  
"Don't be sorry. I like it." He mumbled.  
"Okay." He whispered, and he felt Carter turn on his side to face him. He lay there and closed his eyes.  
In the morning, when the cold winter sun shone into the windows weak and just now rising, Louis found himself laying on his side with his forehead pressed against Carter's shoulder. Carter lay on his back with Louis facing him, curling close to him. Louis sat up and looked at him, glad he was still asleep.  
He thought he looked as beautiful as he ever did, chest rising slowly and the soft glow of the morning sky on his face. 

-

They carried on like that for a while, stopping in stores and eating in the car and listening to music.  
One night they went into a city along the way and watched the sun set from a bridge over a river. Louis asked for the first time about his life after high school. He couldn't help but continue to worry over the fact that Carter wouldn't talk about it. It seemed like things were magically fine in ways they shouldn't be.  
Louis sat on the bench, the sun gone and leaving behind it's rich golden glow on their faces. The water reflected the last of it's light.  
"I never could figure out how you would be after... I left." He mumbled, brow creased as he looked at his hands for a moment, the rich light casting shadows and highlights. Carter lifted his head, looking at the horizon.  
"Well, it wasn't easy, Louis." His deep voice murmured, and Louis silenced. 

-

They found a beach on the side of the highway and parked the car on it, spending the night. Things were pretty good, and the had been the whole time. The whole drive had been light and easy, the nagging in Louis' head quieted.  
Tonight, however, he'd made himself be more vocal about his wondering.  
They sat together on the hood of the car and watched the waves on the shore.  
"I don't know why you want to talk about this." Carter muttered, his voice agitated. The tone of it instinctively made Louis want to leave him alone but he knew that if he did the worry wouldn't leave.  
"I just think we should talk about it - because I just show up out of no where and you're just fine with it - you don't have anything to say about it." Louis mumbled, his resolve strong but his tone submissive.  
"And yet you still talk about it like if you say the words you'll fall dead where you are." He retorted in steely tone.  
"I - that I left you!" Carter's jaw twitched and he looked at the ocean. The updraft from the sea was cold and salty, miniature tempests running through their hair. "That I left you behind and never spoke to you again! That you don't have anything to say about it! I just wish you'd tell me what happened - or - or talk about it."  
"Fine! You want me to talk about it?" He looked at him, "You're the best and the worst thing that ever happened to me, Louis. I don't feel these things now because I'm not like you! It's hard to get me worked up about anything. But you mattered so much, you were everything I had, Louis!"  
He swallowed, his heart contracting as he continued.  
"Did you not see that? You were very seriously the majority of my life! You were what I thought about when I woke up and went to sleep, you were everything all of the time, everywhere, one hundred percent of the time! Always! You were everything I had! I lived my life in orbit around you. You were the things in the world that people write songs about; you were sunrises and sunsets and stars and snow and summers and rain and literally first kisses and love. You were everything I loved. You're not the only dysfunctional one, I played my own part, and I believe that. I wasn't normal and you were the only thing I cared about and so I was too dependent and you grew up with all that shit and - I was in love with you, Louis! You were everything and then you took everything from me! You took everything I cared about... I had never felt pain like that. it was like as much as I loved you, it hurt that much. It was so hard. I was so dissociated that I went weeks not thinking or feeling and then it would all come back and - I have cried so hard over you. And all of those things about my life when I moved away, like how I hoped my mom wasn't lonely and I visited her on Christmas and how I liked living in Italy and going to college. That was all after I had coped. I spent a long time feeling so... nothing. Like I was dead."  
He was silent. The breeze brushed against his hair and his brow relaxed, the crease smoothing out some.  
"It wasn't easy, Louis." He murmured quietly, voice steady and more stable now. He had wanted this and yet it still felt terrible to hear it all. He felt guilt and wrong. "There was nothing that made me feel like I was real and alive and living. I needed you and you took my decision away from me. I know you didn't want to leave and if you did it would be a different situation but it wasn't. You loved me and I loved you. And you made my own decision. If I were... healthy like I am now, I would never have let you do that but you were my compass. I didn't know how to be an equal part in our relationship and I shouldn't have let you run away when you loved me. I should have been able to stand my ground but I wasn't normal and neither were you. That's what I think about it. I never hated you for it. I never got angry. I just wanted you back! I loved you and that's what it was like for me, and even then I never disliked you. I get that something went wrong, and I know you didn't want to leave but that's what it was like on my end. That's what you did. That doesn't mean I have some pent up anger... I was never angry with you. Maybe frustrated and confused. I just wanted you back. And I'm not angry. I haven't spoken about it because I don't have anything to settle with you."  
He wanted to stop Carter from saying all those horrible things about himself. He may have been disassociated but that doesn't mean he wasn't talking badly about the person Louis loved most in this world. He wanted to tell him he was always perfect and that he would have waited for Carter to become healthy and to become an equal part in their relationship whenever he was ready to become that. But he didn't wait. He choked and became afraid that he was going no where and that he would take him down with him. Which is probably what would have happened, perhaps on a less grand scale. But he shouldn't have run.  
"I understand... I guess I just spent all of that time expecting to have made and enemy of myself so I didn't expect... for you to accept me like that."  
"Okay." Carter nodded, giving him understanding when Louis felt he didn't deserve it.  
"I know what I did wrong... And I want to make it up. Badly." Louis whispered.  
"Louis, I've waited eight years for you. You don't have to worry about second chances." He huffed, smiling softly to him. "You're the only one that gets me to yell like that, you know." Carter chuckled under his breath.  
"I'm sorry." He mumbled sheepishly.  
"My therapist used to try and get me to yell in order to figure out what I felt but it was hard. All you have to do is speak..." He laughed, silence hanging between them as they listened to the ocean. "Louis... nothing ever hurt me like that. I didn't know... that a person could hurt so badly." He mumbled, his voice mottled with hurt. Louis felt an awful feeling. There are words for all emotions except for some that are specific to a person and a situation. This was one of those in his whole body. He felt wrong. That he had inflicted pain on a person like Carter - his person - his Carter. It repelled him thinking of it and he wished he could take it back.  
"I'd go back and change it, if that was something I could do..."  
"It was just such a shock... I didn't know about pain like that and I was so... blind sided. It just went on and on."  
"I felt it too." He whispered and Carter looked at him, his brow creased.  
"I'm sorry. It was awful."  
"Anyone else would be angry. You sympathize like we're two soldiers from the same war. I did this to us... I don't understand." He crooned.  
"We are, though. I... care for you. I know that doesn't stop me from feeling anger at you but... I don't know. I see you. I see the way you felt when you did all of that and how you feel now when you talk about it and think of it. I feel like I see you with my heart and I'm not angry. I don't want to reject you. I wish you hadn't done it and I wish I were the kind of person who would have stopped you. But I don't blame you. It happened... and I know how you feel about it."  
He couldn't meet his eyes, looking at his lap. He cursed under his breath and blinked, looking up to try and stop his eyes from spilling their tears.  
"Sorry, I'm a crier." He muttered, brushing his cheeks with the back of his hand.  
"Always were." Carter smiled. Louis swallowed, trying to speak.  
"It's really important to me that you understand. Not that I don't deserve blame - because i am at fault - but that you understand how I feel about it." He mumbled, eyes watering against his will. He felt Carter lean across the space between them and tug his body into his arms. Louis buried his face into his neck like a child seeking comfort and hugged back, the edges of the ocean baring witness to a page in their story.  
"I think that I understand you. I believe that." Carter murmured in his ear and he struggled to stay silent. "And I know you feel like you're weak because you left me. But you should know I don't think that. I always knew you were strong and I still think that. And if you were weak I wouldn't care. But you're still strong and brave. That didn't change. It's a shame that you don't see it. I mean, you're intense Louis, and in all this time, dealing with shit from day one, you haven't lost that thing in you yet."  
"I _ran_ Carter." He cried, "I don't feel brave. I ran away from you and the future and the fear. And I didn't stay and face it, I literally ran away. I wanted to bury it all, I didn't want to face it. Not without you. I never cared about being brave and then when I'm with you... and when we were kids - I wanted to be brave for us and never let you down. i have this weird urge to be great and strong and show you strength . When I hid my problems when we were kids I felt better because all I could think of was that you were there and I was going to be strong enough to take it and still be with you. And I wasn't brave when I left you. I wanted to take away everything I'd done so bad."  
"Well, I'm not the same person all of the time either, Louis. I still see your strength. Just like you still see my heart when I have a hard time feeling things. We're not always our greatest. But I choose to stay with all of you."  
Strange how a few words from him made things not seem so messy and confusing.  
They were quiet and Louis stopped crying, letting Carter sit with his shoulder pressed against his.  
"I'm sorry." Louis mumbled, wiping his cheeks, "For being so much to... you know." Carter looked at him for a moment and Louis couldn't meet his eyes. Not when they were so close and so gentle for him.  
"It's alright, Louis. Everything is. Much more alright than it seems." Louis laughed wetly and leaned into his side.  
"Thanks." He mumbled.


	63. Chapter 63

_"And now I'm one step closer to being two steps far from you. When everybody wants you. Everybody wants you._  
_How many nights does it take to count the stars? That's the time it would take to fix my heart. Oh, baby, I was there for you. All I ever wanted was the truth._  
_How many nights have you wished someone would stay? Lay awake only hoping they're okay._  
_I never counted all of mine. If I tried, I know it would feel like infinity."_  
_-Infinity, One Direction_

Louis met Carter's father. His name was David.  
He's a man Louis' known of since he was fourteen and never seen. Carter said nothing more than his introduction and fell silent. Louis was always watching him, even if in the side of his vision. He saw Carter's face grow quiet and his eyes seemed to become as deep as the sky seemed, grey shade silent.  
David didn't seem to need to ask far too many questions, grasping Louis' shoulders with strong hands and looking at him. There was a hand about the size of David's large palms, gripped around the heart in Louis' chest. It squeezed in a way that didn't cut off the beating, but made him feel every pulse. He could see Carter in him, he could see him through the grey hairs on his head and the age in his eyes. He could see the arc of his brow and the slope of his shoulders. Louis supposes he must have made a sore sight for first meetings, staring down this virtual stranger with eyes like a deer in the headlights. David didn't seem to mind though, patting him and greeting him.  
"It's nice to finally meet my boy's old friend." David smiled, a smile that was far too gentle and safe. Louis' stomach pitched to regain control over his emotions when he felt his eyes tingle with moisture. He was still a little speechless. He'd never seen the other half of Carter's origins. He supposes he didn't think it would be like this. He'd expected himself to have much more control. But, in this man of his late fifties, Louis was struck by the tiniest and most basic of Carter's traits that he'd never even thought of. He supposes he'd grown up seeing them in Lauren and now he could see the rest of it in David. He was being gripped by little things, little mannerisms.  
What made him have to control the water in his eyes before they showed wasn't these little things, in fact. It was how kind his eyes were. He hadn't expected to feel so safe in front of them. He doesn't know what he had expected. But it didn't seem fair, for God's sake, so much felt too good to be true. Why was he so kind? To Louis, who had given up any right to all of these things that came with Carter which warmed his heart. His reservations had been completely revoked, he'd given them away. And here they were, not asking any questions, and giving him the warmth in his heart that he had walked away from as if he'd just left to take a short break.  
It doesn't seem right that Carter's father looked at him with such welcoming eyes, but as it was, Louis had no choice but to be accepted. To be given kindness that he never did see coming. He never did anticipate these things. He didn't expect things to be bad, no, but somehow he was always taken aback. Always a little crippled by the warmth that softened his muscles.  
"I remember Carter's little camera I bought him, the boy could go through some film. Emptying my pockets as if he even likes taking pictures, and he says they were for Louis." David laughed and Louis' breath caught in his lungs, glancing at Carter. Carter was smiling quietly and studying his shoes as if shying from David's words. It had been so long since that Christmas.  
"Oh." Louis looked away, eyes returning to David, nodding.  
It did seem strange to Louis, how easy it all was. How easy it was to help Carter and David make food for what guests they would have on Christmas, chatting about the friends and family coming and about Carter's baby pictures. Louis listened to the story of Carter's first week home as a newborn, silently enraptured. David remembers Lauren waking him up and standing next to Carter's crib, staring down at the bundle of blankets in terror. She had been afraid to touch him, afraid to find him having slipped away in the night. She'd woken in the night and realized Carter had let her sleep for much longer than a newborn should. Carter had been so quiet he'd lay content in his crib for hours the way newborns didn't usually.  
"He scared the life out of Lauren in the beginning, the quietest newborn in the world." David shook his head. Louis continually fell short with words to say, looking at Carter as if still amazed that he existed and that he'd been a baby at once and a child and a teenager and an adult. That he was real and standing right next to him. Carter looked at the counter again, huffing a bashful chuckle and busying his hands with food, leaning against the counter with his shy smile.  
Christmas Eve arrived and Louis and Carter stayed at the house, arranging Carter's presents for his parents under the tree and watching Christmas movies together. David drove to the airport and fetched Lauren while they waited at home. Carter took him for a walk around the block near the house, later showing Louis his old room. They sat in the backyard and cut paper Christmas ornaments for the modest tree in the living room, wrapped in sweaters and socks on their feet. The day passed without Louis thinking once about the fact that his mother was on her way to meet them. He'd completely forgotten about it, pre-occupied as he always was with completely wasting time with Carter. The simplest things were always more than enough with him and it made Louis' heart weak and strong in the same breath if he let himself think about it.  
Louis swatted away paper balls as Carter tossed them at him, giggling and trying to throw them past his hands. Louis was carried away, escalating to grabbing onto his wrists and trying to shower him with shreds of craft paper. He hadn't wrestled or play fought or truly _played_ with anyone in longer than he remembers, he supposes he and Leo must have once. Carter probably had the power to win their little play, but Louis had the spirit. It usually was like this, Carter forgetting to struggle enough and losing in their wrestling because he always laughed and his arms got a little weaker, his body always going a little bit softer when he giggled at Louis. Louis was the opposite, laughing and squeezing a little closer, clambering a little closer so he could pin him down. It was no different now, just bigger bodies and a little more personal space than old times, craft paper being kicked a little in their wake.  
"Louis Grey." Louis' head popped up in surprise at his name, hands loosening a little on Carter's arms. Carter stilled as well, probably a sight to see. Two full grown adults, their play on pause, eyes wide with attention like children.  
Louis' mouth opened and his hands softened completely around the sleeves of Carter's sweater. Lauren stood, her hands on her hips, in the doorway to the patio. Her hair was a the same as he remembered, the shade of Carter's, probably one or two grey hairs that he couldn't see. Her eyes had laugh lines that weren't there before, crinkling around the same sharp witted, motherly, lovely gaze.  
"Well, stand up, then." He obeyed, standing with eyes a little wide, not at all sure what to say. She raised her arms and cooed in happiness, wrapping him up in a hug. His muscles tightened in shock. Her hold was close and warm, squeezing him tightly, hand petting his hair softly. He hardly thought as his muscles caught up, hugging around her waist and closing his eyes. She felt like a mother. He'd only hugged a few mothers in his life, and this one was the only one who had made him understand what a mother really felt like.  
She stepped back, hands going to hold his face in her hands.  
"Oh, my little Louis, you're all grown up." She squeezed him. He doesn't know why he didn't cry. He could have, not because of her, but because of how very long it felt. How very long his life felt, and how long the road had been since he'd seen her. It had been a lifetime since he'd seen her, it felt. It was enough to make him emotional, but he didn't tear up. Maybe it was shock, or the simple warmth she gave him, but he just huffed and held onto her hands.  
"God knows where you've been. They do make phones, you know." She chastised, pecking his forehead and letting go of his face to pat his arms.  
"Sorry." He whispered, clearing his throat at his weak voice.  
"Oh, hush."  
"Mum." Carter chuckled, stepping up next to Louis' side. Lauren laughed at herself, paying all her attention to Louis.  
"Oh, my baby." She wrapped him up in her hug next, reaching up to squeeze him around his neck. He was much to big for it anymore but Lauren hugged him in the same way Louis had seen her do since Carter was the same height as herself, and still appropriate for it. She squeezed him around his neck and Carter leaned down for her, long arms folding her up.  
Louis couldn't take his eyes of him. Then again, nothing is new.  
He is still so dumbstruck at how beautiful Carter is, still a little breathless over it, that his beauty has changed and stayed the same and still captured him. Little things like seeing him hug his mother was important for Louis to watch.  
Louis couldn't keep more than a few steps away from Carter that evening. That night, Carter slept on the floor in front of the tree in the living room with Louis. They made a bed of blankets and pillows. They'd already tried laying down together earlier in the day in Carter's bed. It wasn't the one Louis had known, but it was Carter's childhood bed. They'd lay on their backs and Carter said he'd never imagined Louis would actually see the room they were in. Louis found out later that Lauren no longer lived in that house in the town they grew up in. Louis didn't say anything in response to her, speechless by the thought of the basement.   
That night, Louis lay awake only barely, watching Carter's skin warm with the glow of the Christmas tree. He thinks Carter knew he was staring and allowed him to continue, shutting his eyes and settling as if to fall asleep. Later when he feels like he'd seen enough to be able to shut his eyes for tonight, if it meant he got to lay on his side here next to him while he slept. His breath was steady and he was almost asleep enough not to think about anything when he felt the tiniest touch of a hand against his own lying in the blankets next to him. It didn't do anything, just brushed against his and lay there touching his.


	64. Chapter 64

_"My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite."_  
_-William Shakespear, Romeo and Juliet_

New Years Eve is cold and sparkling with a certain easy warmth.  
On return from his father's, Carter invited Louis to join him and friends. Acel and Amy make up their group this night as they walk on foot through Paris. Louis was content in the beginning to walk by his side and it was easy.  
They didn't arrive until the sun had already fallen. The night was alive with lights and people and life. The cold of the air made Louis feel warm in his coat and next to Carter. He was content to walk quietly by his side, eyes wondering at the city they walked through.  
A few minutes after meeting up with Acel and Amy, they began to talk about their plans. Amy and Carter chatted in English, including Louis as they thought about how to spend the night. Acel added an interjection, speaking in french so quickly Louis hadn't a second to catch even the idea of what he'd said. He tuned out of the answer about to be given, usually content to enjoy their company while they chattered in the background in the language he'd never committed to learning.  
"English." Carter's voice cut through Louis' thoughts, having already begun to avert, bringing them back to the tense air between the two. Louis' jaw tensed, teeth pressing close in reaction to Carter's irritance. He was so much more cognitive and aware now that he seemed to connect to things around him, enough to be reactive in places Louis didn't expect him to be.  
Acel glared at him with a calm steel in response. Carter's air held no heat, only clear intention. He didn't seem angry, only very serious. Acel rolled his eyes, turning in irritance from him and walked away, leaving them behind.  
"I think I'll go with him." Amy murmured apologetically and left to catch up with him. Carter exhaled and picked up pace again to a stroll.  
"What was that about?" Louis mumbled.  
"Nothing." He frowned, "He's just being... irritating. We were talking in English so we could talk to you and he purposefully didn't."  
"Oh." Louis frowned, "I'm sorry... I don't mind not joining sometimes, I don't want to bother."  
"It's not really that." He muttered.  
"What's wrong with him, then?" Carter sighed for a moment before responding.  
"He's being headstrong about you. He was my friend a long time ago and saw some of what I was like... in the first few years of college. He doesn't like that I'm being so... open to you. I guess. He's worried about me, I think. He's worried I'm going to be like I used to be. He knows you left me and I guess he thinks I'm wrong for... accepting you." He paused, shaking his head, "His opinion is irrelevant to my choices, it doesn't matter."  
"I'm sorry." Louis murmured, brow creased. Carter's eyes held conviction when he faced him.  
"Don't be. It's not his place and if he trips himself over my choices you can't take guilt for it."  
"Okay." Louis nodded.  
"Okay." Carter repeated, his hands in his pockets. "I don't want to waste time worrying about what he thinks."  
"Then we won't." Louis murmured soothingly, taking a step forward on the pavement, a gesture to show him he was happy to take advantage of the night waiting for them. Carter huffed and smiled gently, falling into step with him.  
They decided to walk along the Seine river towards the Eiffel tower. It was a lovely night. The lights of the city replaced the stars and the hum of people rumbled like strings.  
Louis felt little flushes of warmth in him that night through little things. At one point, as they walked along the river, the branches of a particularly low hanging tree crossed their path. Carter ducked his head down and watched as Louis lifted his head to brush the leaves over his brow. He noticed the soft, interested smile it gave Carter, transferring warmth into his stomach.  
They'd almost reached the bridge they would cross the river at when they came across a stand selling cheap champagne. Louis said they couldn't have the new year without some of it, striding over to buy some while Carter hung back. He got two plastic cups of the sparkling drink, tucking his money back inside his wallet and pocket.  
A stranger approached him, a warm smile on a young, extroverted face surprising him. He paused, two twinkling cups in hand and eyes wide, strikingly beautiful weather he knew it or not. His chilled cheeks a little rosey, eyelashes framing his bright eyes, hair feathering warmly like a low end halo.  
"Monsieur, vous êtes radieux." The stranger smiled charmingly at him and Louis blanked, speechless. His eyes widened in surprise, a fawn with city light colored eyes. Carter's hand took hold of Louis' arm, seeming to return to his side as if called.  
"Je sais." He pulled him away, Louis following where he was lead in confusion.  
"What-" He laughed, turning around to see what looked like the stranger's friend clapping his shoulder and laughing. "Hey, what did he say?" Louis piped, curiosity burning. Carter let go of his arm and chuckled, eyes amused.  
"French men can have no shame." He muttered. Louis' curiosity burned hotter, frowning in contempt.  
"What happened?"  
"It's nothing. He was hitting on you." Carter mumbled, taking his cup from Louis' hand.  
He followed along speechlessly. He wanted to ask what he had said, badly. He was beginning to curse his lack of knowledge in this language, ironic that he'd lived here for months and never found the need to learn to speak it.  
They eventually made it to the bridge and crossed over the sparkling river, making it to a wide area of people all seeming to be waiting for the celebrations, murmurs of 'bonne anée' caught by his ears often.  
What had been easy before to simply be in his company was now becoming harder.  
It was cold and Louis felt warm. He felt warm but also quietly conflicted. It ached being this close to him and it ached because things felt strange as they stood in comfortable silence. The minutes dragged on and Carter stayed close to him. His air effected him more than anything, contemplative and straining, but Louis felt it as well. It felt like they weren't how they should be and Carter kept his hands in his pockets, constantly. Louis felt the strange air around them and the way it effected them both.  
It was a beautiful night. Carter stayed right by his side and Louis felt right and safe and like himself more than ever.  
They stood in the wide yard, circled by city buildings, waiting for the fireworks to raise like heavy stars into the sky. The Eiffel Tower made a painting of the skyline. Their cups of champagne tasted like the sizzle of stars on Louis' lips, the pretty liquid reflecting the city lights.  
Carter stood next to his side, looking at him with his hands in his pockets, still. Louis wasn't sure what either of them wanted. He could feel it, though, he thinks. It feels strange, like something isn't being said. But it is a beautiful night, regardless.  
At midnight, as the new year turned over and they crossed the threshold of another year, Louis watched him. Carter, for the first time all night really, watched him too. He looked beautiful, more than he could imagine. The fireworks warmed his skin and the crease between his serious brow stayed. Carter had a strange expression, like someone thinking about a hard question would have. He had no idea what he was thinking, but he didn't mind so much anymore. It used to be urgent for him to figure things out, but life had broken it's lesson into him enough times for him to relax and allow things to work themselves out as they always do, for better or worse.  
The people around them cheered as the fireworks pulled up to the sky and popped, booming over them. Around them, everyone grabbed and kissed each other. While they did, Louis saved his eyes, as he had been for an innumerable and unbridled, indefinite amount of time, for him only.  
_God save me, he's beautiful._ The strength of it heavy like a magnet pulling him to his beauty. It is hard tonight, not to close the gap between them. He's always been a man of action. When he loves, he reaches for his love; in the same moments where Carter is content to stare at his love until his bones turn to the dust from which they formed. Louis knows this and doesn't allow himself to push or pull. He always has, and tonight he will admire Carter and let it be enough.  
He's always had a hard time letting things be. Romeo's fable haunts him in the shadow of his life. He never has loved moderately. It is not now that he wants to begin.  
Louis resisted the urge to wrap his arms around his neck and hug him closely, to press his cheek to the warmth of Carter's neck, or to curl his chilled fingers into his hair; all the little parts of him that Louis loved and felt so warmly familiar with.  
He instead gave him a soft, comforting smile and murmured something kind and easy to ease the contemplative look on his face.  
"Happy New Year, Cassie." He murmured warmly. At first Carter's brow creased more in response to the name, as if it effected his thought, eyes flashing. His expression evened out and he seemed to be soothed.  
"Happy New Year, Lou." He murmured quietly, eyes flickered over his face still. His gaze was so unashamed and had been on his face for minutes now, yet Louis didn't mind.  
He'd been waiting to receive the light of this sun for far to long to shade his eyes.


	65. Chapter 65

_"This is the first day of my life. I'm glad I didn't die before I met you. Now I don't care, I could go anywhere and I'd probably be happy."_  
_-Bright Eyes, The First Day of My Life_

Louis stood at Carter's door. He hadn't seen him today, he'd been at work for most of it and had only exchanged a few texts about getting home and changing into comfortable clothing. While he read his texts, his heart ached and he'd woken up that morning feeling like it was the day. The day that he needed to act, on his heart as he always did. The day had felt heavy to begin with, thoughts pacing as they always did around Carter and what he felt for him and what he should do about it. In the evening, when he received the texts, he thought, _what are we doing?_  
It's what brought him in front of his apartment, hands shuffling restlessly in his pockets. He took a deep breath and hoped he wasn't about to do something stupid like he had known himself to do before. Staring at the front door, he thought about this. He had made mistakes before and, often before he made them, he felt like this. His chest felt tight and his head was circling around yes and no.  
What made his mind today was an old face from years ago, and a very heavy year. It was the year he'd left home and left Carter, in South America; where, he couldn't attempt to remember. The day had been young and the sun rising. He remembers sitting next to a woman on the side of the road. The van parked behind them, their friend's sleeping inside. In front of them was a wide open field, filled with little, dark birds. He and the girl hadn't spoken a word all morning, all he knew about her was that she was almost always high. That morning, just as the sun's rays touched the grass as if to signal the birds, they all took flight. It seemed a thousand or more of them rose into the air, no calls, only the sound of feathers buzzing from the earth and up.  
"If you could be a bird, would you? If it meant you were stupid?" The girl rasped, her voice just above a whisper. She sat with her shoulders hunched, her hollow eyes almost always empty, right now held little more light than that of the morning.  
"I don't know." Louis mumbled, eyes gazing up as the birds spiraled and flocked into the sky, flying away from them. "Would you?"  
"I don't know. I'd probably just fly away from everything." She muttered, pausing. "It's all I do now, but at least I have to struggle for it."  
He thought of Rubik's cubes.  
He has no idea what exactly settled his heart, but he felt his heart rate settle into a more rhythmic pattern of heavy thumping. He raised his hand and knocked. His head was luckily silent as he listened to Carter's footsteps approach the door and open it.  
"Louis?" He stood in a t-shirt and sweatpants, confused eyes muddled with surprise.  
"Hey." Louis spoke, his voice steadier than he expected it to be. Stepping forward, he entered the house, pushing the door shut gently behind him.  
"Is everything okay?" Carter frowned, always so gentle and allowing of him. He took his hands out of his pockets, squeezed into nervous fists.  
"I don't know." He mumbled, "I just... needed to talk." His voice was quieter and calmer, sounding weathered. Carter looked at him silently, waiting. Louis' eyes roamed over his chest and shoulders, admiring how he looked in the soft, white shirt he wore. It brought out his shape well. He met his eyes, opening his mouth and swallowing once more.  
"I'm-... I feel like I know who you are, Carter. I think. I've always felt... steady when I'm with you. And... I've known you since I was thirteen. And I still remember how you looked the first time I saw you. As crazy as it seems." He breathed, brow creased, pausing. "I've always felt like I understood you, but never really known exactly what it is... that I need in you. I feel like... it's insane. Because I can't really explain it to myself, why I feel so much better when I'm with you. Like everything is right. I've never really been the kind of person to care about the why or how, I just kind let you be important. But over the years, there have been times when I'd have given anything not to want you. And I think I learned how not to need you. And, even when I understood that I don't need you, I still want you. I never will be able to get that out. And, when I've been without you, I've really understood that I have no idea what it is in a person that makes them important. I just know that when I'm with you, I feel right."  
He clenched his teeth, blinking and looking away, unable to match his gaze now, as he continued.  
"I came here to just... tell you what I feel, I guess." He exhaled heavily, his lungs tight. His voice coming back clear. "I am sorry. I'm very sorry for what I did to you." His eyes met his and he tried not to read into his expression, wanting to get everything out now. "I'm very, very sorry that I left you. I'm sorry because it hurt you and that makes me feel so wrong, it was never, ever what I intended. And I know that doesn't matter, I know that what I did is what I did. But I never meant to hurt you. I wanted you. You had everything lined up for me when we were eighteen. You had everything figured out for me and I just - jumped - I don't know. I had you and I had everything and I choked. I'm sorry. I've always been so sorry that I left. It made so much sense at the time and I just... I just got scared. There was so much. You are so smart and you had such a future ahead of you and I wanted you to do well so bad and I saw you following me and I couldn't see the right choices that would give you what you deserved. I didn't come here to justify my reasons I just - I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry. I wasn't ready then. I felt like I had everything I wanted and it was all about to change and you saw everything clearly and I did not. I saw you getting tired of me, or me letting you down - or - dragging you down. I had seen... my parents and their friends and I had grown up expecting that and it felt like I had gotten this temporary hold on my life and that it wasn't going to stay. That everything I'd been expecting was going to happen to me and to you. And I wanted to be brave but the truth is, I wasn't. I was a coward. I was scared - and everybody wanted you it seemed. I was dysfunctional and everything felt heavy and so I held on tighter until I dropped everything. But, I never meant to drop you."  
He breathed, swallowing and making himself continue.  
"I say these things because, out of everything that happened, I never meant to make you feel pain or to make you feel like I didn't want you - I _did_ \- or that it was ever, for a second, your fault. I wanted you and I've spent a long time wishing I could just tell you that it wasn't your fault. That you were loved, by me, and that you deserved love."  
He felt his eyes well up and grit his teeth hard, forcing them back. He was going to say everything he had to say without a tear and that was final.  
"I loved you. And I've loved you from the first to the last day, every single day of the eight years that I was without you. I still love you." For the first time since he'd started talking, he felt the air in his lungs freeze up and he truly felt the weight of his words and how heavy they lay on his throat as he continued to speak. "The thing is, I know how to live life without you. I've learned, for eight years. And I would choose you again. It's a choice that I will make, always. I... love you. And it's an amount - or quality - that I don't understand. It affects my body." He choked a laugh, "You can make me shake and my heart rate changes... I don't know what you are but I know that I love you. And I have not been able to let you go since the day I met you. And that if you needed me to be your friend I would be, but that I would also be everything else."  
His lungs huffed out the last of his breath. His eyes met Carter's, steady and honest.  
"I guess I just.. didn't want to go without telling you that. So I... wanted to get it out."  
They stood in a silence that seemed to be the very quietest, very loudest silence Louis had heard in his life. Carter's mouth was slightly open, his unreadable expression seeming winded if nothing else. Louis faced him feeling stronger than he'd felt in a long time. Maybe Carter didn't love him the way he had before. But now he knew everything and Louis didn't need to say it anymore.  
Carter took a tiny step towards him, everything else just as still as the silence. Louis' heart pounded on that little step, his teeth clicking together. He stood like a statue as Carter walked towards him, eyes still so quiet as they always were. Louis swears he could tell him he was heterosexual and it wouldn't make Carter's eyes change. Always easy, easy eyes.  
Louis' muscles didn't know weather to be tense or to relax as Carter came to stand before him, closer than he needed to be. Louis' eyes followed his sheepishly, his shoulders a little tense as he looked up at him, his height making him more vulnerable.  
Carter looked at him for a few moments as if thinking. Who knows what happens in his head. Louis felt he could have waited forever when Carter's hands moved to either side of his face and held him. He ducked his head and Louis stopped breathing as his pressed a gentle kiss to his mouth. He kept his mouth there for a few, long moments before lifting his head and meeting his eyes.  
"You didn't have to say all of that, I loved you anyway." He mumbled. Louis' wide eyes fluttered as he resumed breathing.  
"What?" Carter's soft eyes twinkled with warmth.  
"I love you." He murmured. Louis stood silently, breath not yet in an even rhythm.  
"You love me." He muttered, his body felt numb.  
"Yeah." He mumbled. "It's okay. I... just thought I'd let you do what you wanted. I love you, too."  
Louis stared at him with his wide, slightly shocked eyes. The tears that he'd held back before returned, blurring his vision.  
"Shit." He whispered, rubbing his eyes. He felt arms wrap around him. The same hug he'd never forgotten about. His tears wet his lashes as Carter's arms pressed him to his chest. He sniffled and gripped him tightly, face buried in his neck. "Well, I didn't know you loved me back." His voice trembled, muffled in his neck. Carter laughed and held him tighter.  
"Louis, I love you." He rumbled, "I guess it's a good thing you said something. I didn't remember how good it felt to hug you."  
"You kissed me." He croaked, voice high in pitch, a laugh tumbling out of his mouth and his tears subsiding.  
"I did." Carter whispered, as if thinking about it once again. He lifted his head and, with his arms still around him as if promising not to let him go too far, he looked at his lips again. Their heads tilted close together.  
"I always forget to ask you before I do." Carter murmured.  
"You don't have to ask." Louis whispered in disbelief, smile inching onto his mouth as he huffed.  
"Well... can I?" Carter mumbled.  
"Kiss me?"  
He nodded.  
"Yes." Louis nodded. This time he didn't hold his breath as Carter kissed him, kissing him back. It was a gentle, loving kiss, just the press of lips and little more. They stopped and looked at each other quietly.  
"I came here and said all of that because I have to leave soon." Louis spoke, trying to make his voice resonant so he could continue to speak. It was hard, still wrapped in the circle of his arms like he was exactly who he was supposed to be and exactly the right person loved him for it.  
"To go back home?" Carter's eyes worried finally, soft displeasure coloring them.  
"Yes." Louis nodded.  
"Will you come back?" Carter asked him, the unsure, frown in his beautiful eyes there. Louis could see the fifteen year old boy that had always been so easy to be with, right now. And he loved that fifteen year old because he loved him at twenty six, too.  
"I'll always come back." He whispered, throat tight. "I always have."  
"Okay." Carter nodded. Louis thought he looked more like himself than he had seen in years. He nodded as if saying he trusted him. Louis nodded in return, hands still holding onto him.  
"Okay."


	66. Chapter 66

_"I feel like a part of my soul has loved you since the beginning of everything. Maybe we're from the same star."_  
_-Emery Allen_

 

The night was warm inside the car, safe.  
Louis tucked his feet up into his seat where he sat in front of the wheel, Carter next to him. The place they parked made Louis feel tucked away from the world, cars driving past too far away to disturb him.  
The music from the car changed, playing Wake Me by the Bleachers; and Carter was looking at him with that look. He swallowed, the car seeming so small. He liked it. It was a bubble, a private, separate world.  
"Come on, Lou." Carter whispered, his eyes inviting and warm. A soft challenge. And he was so ready to accept. He got on his knees and crawled into his lap, squeezing into it, his nose already close to his. His lips slipped into a smile, feeling like he belonged right here. Carter's steady hands lay upon his hips and his eyes fluttered closed, leaning close to him as he felt a hand move to hold his waist. He leaned close so that Carter's head tilted back to his hovering angle. He waited, eyes half lidded as he enjoyed his control, breathing a few exhales. Carter squeezed his hands, a request to kiss him and Louis smiled, his teeth lining along his mouth. He couldn't wait to touch him. And so he placed a hand on his neck, fingers against his hair and his palm melting along the strong line of his jaw below his ear. His other hand lay flat against his chest, fingers over his collarbone and felt the strength in his chest, and the comfort of his form. He looked cloaked in darkness and highlighted with the hues of the night. It was just the both of them in this car, and Louis felt perfect in the throne he had missed and in control of a kiss he had yearned for from the moment he'd realized he felt the urge to kiss this person.  
He leaned forward and kissed him, slow and light. The perfect connection of their mouths made his brow relax in pleasure as his fingers twitched over Carter's skin. The gentle touches turned to slow, deep presses. He felt a warm tongue lick at his lip, asking for it and probably expecting a granted request. Louis smiled and bit his bottom lip, pulling it through his teeth. In response, the hands on his body squeezed as if to say, _stop playing with me._ The smile danced across Carter's mouth too, a shared fun. He perched himself so that his hips lay snug against his, returning to his mouth. Their lips opened after a few moments. It was curious and exciting and like a meeting of two people who were learning each other, circling each other in curiosity. And also a reunion. A relief. A welcome home.  
Carter spoke to him in tongue, _Hello and I've been waiting for you._  
He sank into it, melding tongues. His hips pressed against his unthinking and he squeezed Carter in his hands, moving their mouths together in such perfect unison that it was dazzling. Carter's hands squeezed and pulled, making his waist bow into him and his hips roll in a slow drag.  
Carter's hand moved from his hip to his hair, getting a grasp and gently pulling him away. He relaxed, letting himself be guided, and for a moment Carter held him a few inches from his mouth, eyes traveling over his body and mouth. After he had looked him over, he pulled him closer and pressed Louis' mouth against his own neck. Louis' eyes slid shut as he curved his shoulders inward to him, teeth dragging against him and sucking and kissing. In the midst of his head space, he realized he was able to give him a bruise and that he would like to do that. So he did, eyes shut, feeling his breath under him and against him.  
Carter whispered something Louis couldn't make out, hands squeezing and moving in slow drags around his body. He felt drunk off of the breath that brushed his skin when he spoke. He nodded against his neck in response to whatever he'd spoken, not breaking.  
He pulled back to look at his work, a lovely purple mark.  
"Let's go home and spend the night together." Carter murmured, resonant voice humming under his hand.  
"Is that term for sex?"  
"It's term for whatever I want to do." He whispered, "Dance, movies, talking, making out, sex, anything, whatever you want. As long as I'm with you. I'd be happy to just lay with you and look at you."  
"Carter." He muttered, brow creasing as he kissed him again. "I want to spend every kind of night with you."  
"We can... I want to. I want to show you Italy, too."  
"That sounds so good." He mumbled.  
"Then, in return, come back to my place tonight. Don't go to that hotel."  
"You know I will." He whispered, kissing him again. Carter pulled from his mouth, never going far, to return the hickey he'd been given.  
He felt like the air was made of music.

 

-

_"Like a river flows, surely to the sea. Darling, so it goes, some things are meant to be._  
_Take my hand. Take my whole life, too._  
_For I can't help falling in love with you."_  
_-Elvis Presley_

He had sex with him on a Sunday evening, nestled in the bed he'd woken up that morning in. He hadn't spent many of his few remaining nights away. Carter's bed was washed in the light of the sun, the view of the city completely ignored in favor of each other.  
By the time Louis slept with him, he hadn't had sex with anyone in nearly three years. He learned a few days ago that Carter had only had sex twice since Louis. They were leaned against the windows in his bed, chatting in the middle of the night. Carter told him he had twice; the first time on accident. A girl had come on to him and he had been too disconnected at the time to remember to say no. Louis hadn't liked that at all, had grit his teeth to stop from saying anything. The second time Carter said he wanted to see if he could enjoy it. He hadn't felt sexually for anyone since Louis and wanted to so he tried with someone else. Louis tried not to think of that.  
Now the lazy, late evening hid them away from anything else. When Carter's hands had pulled at the hem of his thin, dark, soft cotton shirt, Louis had stopped him by resting his soft hands on the larger at the bottom of his shirt. He had asked if he could keep his shirt on, just for now.  
"What's wrong?" Carter's brow creased, tangled close to Louis as they sat in the middle of his bed.  
"I have something I want to show you. Later. I promise." Carter, of course, obeyed unquestioningly, returning to his desires.  
Now, finished and alone in their world, Louis sat in Carter's lap. He was still full of him, legs folded at their sides, thighs spread on Carter's hips. His arms wrapped around his neck.  
He panted softly, their noses brushing and Carter's forehead against his. He was filled with intoxication. Drunk off of every place where his skin touched Carter's; where his feet tucked up against Carter's thighs, where Carter's arms wrapped around him and locked him in, where he was still stretched around him and feeling so close. Every sensation Carter gave him, right down to his presence in the room, was flooding his being. He felt his skin, his warmth, his breath against his own, heavy and chased by pounding hearts. He tasted him on his mouth and felt his body cooling down from the high of the orgasm he'd been given, couldn't help but hope that Carter enjoyed his somehow more than he had enjoyed his own.  
In a breathless voice, eyes barely open, Carter's voice slid across him. He spoke, their bodies pressed together, his hands still gripping Louis tightly where his arms wrapped around his ribs to clutch him against his chest, heads together.  
"Ti amo." He breathed. Louis felt his shoulders quake with a tremble. He couldn't say he'd ever been more in love. Maybe more than as a teenager. The Italian language he used took Louis out of his mind and made him see them both as not just Carter and Louis who loved each other, but two people that would choose each other over all else in any time or circumstance.  
Louis' eyes, slightly blurry from being so close, saw the brilliant golden light and the way it fell over Carter's body. He looked and couldn't stop. The shimmering light streamed through the huge windows, floating from the sky. The light was just shy of pure, slightly soft. He felt like he understood everything.  
He had never questioned the meaning of life, but he felt now, looking at him, that this was it. That it was love. Love; in the light that touched Carter. Love in the softness of the bed they pressed together safely in. Love in the blood that warmed Carter's skin. Love in the strength of muscle under his skin. Louis felt that the meaning of his life was in all things beautiful that graced Carter Rose. And that he loved him through all of these things.  
He swallowed and his shaking arms wrapped around his shoulders tighter, begging him wordlessly to be closer. Carter pulled him closer so that his face was pressed into his neck, body wrapped securely in his arms. He felt grateful that he was small so that he could be held so completely by him. Against his body, near his shoulder, he felt Carter's heart beating against him, hard and real. He didn't doubt that he was loved.  
As his panting slowed against Carter's neck, shoulders curved so that he was pressed as close to him as he could be, he felt Carter's fingers move smoothly across the tattoo on his back. Against his head, Carter lay his, the weight of it transferring into the weight of his reassurance, approval, acceptance, praise, and love.  
He felt right.  
He fell asleep that night in Carter's bed, warmed by his body.

 

-

_"To keep the light on, honey, is the least that I can do_  
_if I keep running back to you."_  
_-For The Foxes, Running Back To You_

Louis flew back home a few days later, out of money and out of time. Carter tried to tell him he could stay with him, that he had plenty of money to help him and they could wait until Louis had to leave the country by law. Louis, of course, denied. He wasn't going to live off of him and, regardless of how fundamentally wrong it felt to get on a plane and put that damn ocean between them again, he was determined to prove he could love Carter right. Equally, stably, and healthily.  
Carter stood around in the airport with him until his plane arrived. He looked like a very big, unhappy puppy with no where to go, his hands in his pockets and then holding loosely onto Louis' clothes and waist and arms and hands. Louis kept his cool completely, feeling calm and a little like an anchor for Carter who kept frowning and shifting his feet.  
"I'm coming back, Cassie." Louis mumbled, rubbing his thumb over Carter's hand.  
"I know... Just feels wrong." He mumbled. It was early in the morning, the sun rising through the airport windows where they stood waiting, the light softly illuminating them. Carter had a hoodie on and his hair was still messy from bed. He looked a very special kind of gorgeous right now, the kind that made Louis want to burrow into his chest and hold onto him or maybe take a nap together. None of those things were things he could do for a while, not until he returned, and it was making Carter's broad shoulders and creased brow look even more beautiful, enough to ache.  
He kept completely fine until his plane arrived and he sighed, noticing his breath shake a little bit. His hand squeezed tighter on Carter's and he tilted his head up for a kiss. Carter looked at him for a minute, his lost puppy attitude seeming to forget he was being asked for a kiss for a moment. He hugged Louis close and tight, kissing him for longer than was fully necessary, lingering when he was done.  
Louis felt fine until he got on the plane, around when he felt the flight lift off. He looked out the window until he saw his plane fly out over the ocean, crossing the shoreline and officially leaving Carter behind on the continent. He grit his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut so he didn't cry, reminding himself that he was coming back.  
He supposes that it just felt wrong.


	67. Chapter 67

_"And in the end, I'd do it all again. I think you're my best friend."_  
_-The Kids Aren't Alright_

 

Jason had accepted soon after Louis had returned, that he would leave America for him.  
He confronted Louis about it a few days after he'd come home, after days of Louis feverishly calling Carter every night and telling Jason about him. It seemed it was all Louis could think about. Jason loved him and he loved seeing his little brother look like himself after so many years. But he knew that because of this, he'd be losing him again for a while.  
"When you go back... to him, I mean... you're not coming back, are you." Jason asked, standing on the back porch of Jenna's mother's house. Jenna and her family laughed and joked as the young children ran around in the back yard. Louis' smile dropped, meeting his eyes.  
"I don't know." He shrugged, barely making himself say it at all. Jason's smile returned with a bittersweet tilt.  
"Come on, Louis, you always know." Louis frowned, the clingy, heaviness of sadness tinging his heart.  
"Right." He nodded.  
"Well, it won't be too bad." Jason sighed, "This time I'll know where to find you and you'll _definitely_ come back for visits." He bit, giving a sharp smile to him. Louis laughed softly and nodded.  
"I will, I promise." Louis murmured sincerely.  
"You know, I had a feeling from the minute you said you were going to Europe again that you wouldn't be back in a few weeks. And then, as soon as you called and told me... I knew that was probably it. Had a feeling you wouldn't come back from the start." Jason chuckled softly, shrugging. Louis didn't know what to say, he felt very sad with the weight of those words, the weight that they held had been proven for seven years, before.  
"I'm sorry."  
"Don't be, kid." Jason murmured, throwing his arm around his shoulders and squeezing him. "I wouldn't change a thing."

 

-

_"Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,_  
_And learn, too late, they grieved it on it's way,_  
_Do not go gentle into that good night._

_And you, my father, there on the sad height,_  
_Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray._  
_Do not go gentle into that good night._  
_Rage, rage against the dying of the light."_  
_-Dylan Thomas_

 

It took a very long six months to get back across that ocean.  
So, when he returned, it was ironic that Louis brought Carter to the Bay of Biscay. Carter was just happy to be with him again, behaved just like he had when they were young, going wherever Louis asked just for the sake of being with him. In a rented car, for that matter, the second one Louis had ever had. How he had slowed down, becoming domestic and renting cars like forty year old's for vacation.  
He stopped the car at the beach, following directions that he had hand written to a very specific spot. Carter, oblivious to why Louis had brought him here, slid his seat belt off as Louis took the key from the ignition.  
"The beach?" Carter smiled, chuckling.  
"Yeah." Louis nodded, swallowing and a little nervously, squeezing his hands in fists. He reached into the back seat and pulled his small backpack into his lap. Carter watched closely as he pulled a box out, putting his bag in the back again and sitting still for a moment. He opened his mouth to speak for a moment and then, not knowing what he would say, he set the box into Carter's lap. It was a small gift box, the color faded and long since separated from it's ribbon that it had been tied with.  
"What's this?" Carter frowned, not yet opening it. Louis still didn't know what to say, reaching over and pulling the lid off of it. He watched as Carter's expression went flat, eyes becoming quiet as he reached inside and picked up a stack of pictures. His hands slowly carded through them, flipping them over and reading what he had written on them so many years ago.  
"This is..." Carter whispered. The pictures that he had been given on Christmas of his junior year were still in that box, still the ones he'd used to find Carter with on accident.  
"The pictures you gave me." Louis murmured. He was quiet as Carter reached the picture of the fountain that they had met at.  
"This is where we-" Carter lifted it to show Louis and then seemed to pause, realizing.  
"I've been to all of them." Louis murmured.  
"You went to these places?" He muttered, brow creasing.  
"Yeah... That's how I found you." He paused, squeezing his fingers in his lap and then stopping when he realized it was Carter's old habit.  
"Why?" He looked back down at all of the Polaroids.  
"Because you told me you wanted me to see all of those places... And I never did, so I wanted to." He murmured gently. "I've been to all except one."  
Carter lifted his head, meeting his eyes, and then turning to look through the window at the empty beach. Louis opened the door and slowly picked up all of the pictures, putting them in the box, putting the box away and stepping out of the car. Carter followed him to the front of the car, the wind from the sea beginning to tug at their hair. Louis fit his hand into Carter's, squeezing as he pulled him to the shoreline, walking across the stretch of sand until they came close to the waves.  
Carter looked around, looking at the beach before returning his stare to Louis.  
"So." Louis let go of his hand and reached into his back pocket, pulling out the last picture. On it was a shot of the water, a little strip of sand and nothing but ocean behind it. "That's all of them."  
Carter didn't speak, looking between the picture and the beach. The views were nearly exactly the same. Louis gave it to him, taking his wrist and setting the picture in his hands. Carter flipped over the picture and looked at what he'd written. He finally exhaled, his brow pulling together as he read the little script at the bottom.  
"I want to show you this, but I don't know how you're going to react." Louis mumbled, looking up at him cautiously.  
"What?" Carter frowned, shaking his head as if to catch up. Louis' hands paused at the hem of his shirt, waiting for a moment before he carefully pulled it off. Carter stood confused for a moment, looking at his body as if to make sure he was okay. Louis' hands met in front of him a little nervously, gripping his shirt. He turned around, deciding to get it done before he worked himself up.  
He expected a sound, or a word or something. But he stood, the draft of the ocean hugging his chest and shoulders, without a sound between them. He started to worry, not sure what Carter was seeing when he saw his tattoo. When he saw his own hand writing in the simple line of dark ink across Louis' back. He almost turned around to explain himself, to ask Carter not to worry that it didn't have to change anything, that he just wasn't sure how to tell him about it.  
Before anything could happen or he could do anything first, he felt fingertips touch his skin. He closed his eyes, squeezing his shirt in his hands and breathing unevenly. Carter's hand gentle touched the middle of the tattoo, thumb grazing it. He stayed still as he felt the fingers slid over to the beginning of the ink and slowly brush over each letter to the very end of the tattoo.  
"It's my..." Carter whispered. Louis opened his eyes, exhaling. The stress seemed to flow out with his breath, shoulders relaxing. He stood for a few more moments as Carter touched it, hands lingering for a moment before they stopped against his ribs, still as he read it.  
"How long have you had it?" Carter spoke.  
"I think around seven years." Louis answered, voice steady. Carter's hands twitched against his skin.  
"You know what it means?" Louis nodded. Carter turned Louis to him, hands slow.  
"You never stopped... you felt that way the whole time?" Carter choked. Louis' brow creased, his throat squeezing around the hot ache in his stomach.  
"The whole time." He spoke, voice strained. Carter stared at him for a moment.  
"I meant that when I wrote it."  
"I meant it when you wrote it, too." Louis mumbled. Staring at him without shame, the ache of love the only pain in his eyes.  
Carter was silent for a few moments, the sound of the waves crashing on the shore the only sound. His hands eventually came to lay gently into Louis' neck, thumbs brushing along his jaw. He ducked his head and kissed him, lips pressing together simply, the taste of breath driving out any tenseness in Louis' shoulders.  
Not a moment had passed. Not a second. Not millions of seconds. Not thousands of minutes. Not thousands of hours. Not hundreds of months or eight years. Not a single moment of drought passed between the moment he'd fallen in love with him and now.  
He pulled away, swallowing so he could speak.  
"I hope... that I never go another day without you. Or without being on my way back." He stumbled.  
"You haven't done that yet." Louis laughed and pressed against his chest, hugging him tightly and breathing out shakily. Neither of them could have known it, but he hoped Carter was right. That he'd always been on his way back.


	68. Chapter 68

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all folks.

_"No one, not even the rain, has such small hands."_  
_-E. E. Cummings_

 

Carter didn't waste time asking him to marry him. It was a nerve racking and strange concept for them both. Neither of them had really ever thought about getting married. It hadn't even been a declaration, just something Carter had said as they lay in bed one night. It was a necessity, something they'd need to do in order for Louis to live with him inside the country.  
Louis didn't waste a second saying yes, something that he found ironic considering he'd never been a believer in marriage, really. That didn't mean he wouldn't marry him a hundred times over, happily.  
Things went well afterwards. Louis had lived a very long life of instability, always looking to the future at what would come, always being a soul with an imbalance or an edge. It was part of what made him wild. But when he moved in with Carter and got the clearance from the law that said he never had to leave again, he suddenly realized just that. That he didn't ever have to leave again. It seemed things became content and the unsteadiness became steady after that.  
Louis went back to school, learning how to speak the language he was living in very quickly. He returned to music school and kept a keyboard in Carter's house at all times, something Carter enjoyed quite a lot. Little things like that, Carter liked. Things like Louis' clothes in his room or Louis' phone on his work desk. He was always reminded that Louis loved him.  
When he told Acel that they were going to be married and Louis would live with him, his closest friend warmed up to Louis much more quickly.  
Carter met Leo a few months after Louis moved in, finding him interesting. Leo got along with him well.  
Carter hasn't quite gotten over seeing Louis laying in his bed. He certainly hasn't gotten over his tattoo, touching it constantly. He didn't notice himself doing it half the time, often thumbing over it through Louis' shirt in stores or at his friend's houses. When he went to sleep sometimes he shuffled his hand under his shirt and pet over his back while Louis drifted off. It always seemed to have an effect on Louis, calming him or getting his attention when Carter touched it. The only time it irritated him was during sex. Growling about paying him any attention instead of his back. It made Carter chuckle, refraining from kissing the tattoo. He only got away with it when Louis lay on his stomach, and Carter got to hold his hips and touch his tattoo, pressing his palm against it while Louis whined and moaned into the sheets.  
He's more than beautiful when he's naked, now that Carter can fully appreciate his body everyday. He feels strange and a little weird for not feeling any connections to sexuality until he's with Louis. With Louis, he's in the mood most of the time, for whenever Louis is. He doesn't question it much. He loves Louis' body more than he knows what to do with, loves touching him in different places and different moods and different lightings, different positions.  
Carter was so in love with him and he feels better these days. He'd been bad before, he remembers when he'd first gone to college, how dissociated he'd been. Life was barely life back then, it was either being so numb he felt he could go insane with how strange and far away life seemed, if he were aware enough to do that. He'd grown up with his problem and had never known that other people weren't like that, had guessed it but, like most other things, had not really thought about it much. He'd always assumed that the way he lived was normal, always a little airy. In his first year of college, he'd felt his worst, zoning out for days and feeling like nothing was real or that he was viewing life from outside of his body. Then he'd zone back in and all at once things became so heavy he couldn't breath, crying and struggling to breath through the pain of knowing Louis had left and wasn't coming back. Looking back, Carter can actually see the difference between him and others. These days, things are much better. He wakes up every day feeling like he exists and that Louis loves him.  
All of Carter's friends love Louis, and take to him with open, sometimes overly interested arms. Louis is charismatic with people, he knows that and knows how hard it is first hand not to be drawn to him. But he thinks his friends are so interested in him because Carter had always been single and had never shown any clear kind of preference for his type of love or his type of person. Then suddenly Louis shows up.  
They get bored some days, and Carter has never been more delighted with the prospect of running out of things to do. It's how he realizes that living with Louis isn't going to get old. He loves being with Louis, and he loves being bored with him. He likes that Louis always has interesting things to talk about, likes that he can always take charge of a conversation or an activity and Carter can watch him be who he is. He likes that they get bored together and that it's always okay.  
Lauren calls Carter more often now than she used to, and he understands very well that it's for Louis. She almost never hangs up without asking to talk to him, always making Carter smile and hand the phone to him.  
Jason flew out to see them when Lauren came a few months after Louis moved in. Carter found it very strange to see him again after all these years and comforting as well.  
Louis tells Carter recently that he nests. Carter didn't understand until he explained that he liked cuddling Louis in bed and making food at home and was even more affectionate when Louis was wearing sweats or comfortable clothes. He can't argue with that.  
He has never liked talking in three languages to one person so much in his life. Every day he finds himself mumbling something in Italian, like he did under his breath against Louis' neck while he cooked one evening. Sometimes when he cuddles Louis while he reads or watches a movie, he kisses his arms or pets him and murmures French terms of endearment. Louis normally smiles and nuzzles into him, or just lets him talk to him in languages he doesn't understand. He fascinates Carter in the way that he sometimes asks what he says and sometimes doesn't ask for a translation. Louis explained that sometimes he wants to understand and other times it's nice to trust his words and to hear him talk without knowing what he's saying. Carter still has his days. Days where he knows Louis can probably see the difference between his awareness and his dissociation more than ever. Sometimes he sees the lines but not where they connect. He has his days where he listens but doesn't really process in conversations. All while loving Louis like he always did, muted and felt as if underwater. Every once in awhile, Louis would pause and he could tell he was thinking, 'it must be one of his days.' One of the days when he seemed foggy and less plugged in. He still felt his existence, though, loving like always did. And, just as they were kids, Louis didn't change on those days. He didn't falter, simply taking a more guiding role and asking for less from him. He was kind and loving and familiar, treating him as he always did. There was no one who knew how to handle him quite like he did.  
There are days when Carter feels like he can actually feel his love. And their love is real. He feels it like the trunk of a thousand year old oak tree. And others that he feels it like the leaves that the tree births every year, new and naive and young. He feels it as old as the Roman Empire, as the first stone at the base of the first of the great pyramids, as old as the banks of the Tigris and Euphrates. He feels it as old as the first stars formed after the birth of the universe.  
There are days when he feels buried in love and others when he feels like he's sitting beside Louis, his friend who had always just been there, someone to go to the store with and to watch a movie with.  
Most of the time, if not nearly always, he's happy.  
Carter's life would forever rotate around the focal point he had created. Experiencing Louis. Some people almost seem larger than life and Louis, for him, was the only one. Perhaps out of extreme situations are born extreme people. Maybe Louis was the way he was because of the adversity he was born in, but he was a person of intensity. If he were an element he were all of them, but mostly fire. He burned. Louis was the setting of the sun everyday and yet he was the wind through and open window and the moon and the stars. He lived recklessly and with every part of himself. Carter's life was spent chasing a boy that didn't know how to stop himself from running. He loved him.  
Louis had always been a force of energy, of love at the base. And Carter had watched him move into his world, crashing into him like a meteor crossing into his fixed orbit, creating whole planets of wonder from the collision. And he'd loved him. Sometimes unaware of how grand all of these feelings would become. When Louis had run away, as much as it hurt, Carter would still to this day see it as beautiful.  
Because it is him. And Carter knows that he had to run away, that it was who he was. That Louis had run into his life and was destined to run out of it eventually. And he'd never take it back. He'd rather have watched Louis run, because it was him. It was his spirit. And he loved that spirit.  
He'd been waiting for Louis. His heart had mourned him, and missed him, and had patiently waited for him. He'd wait a thousand years if that's how long Louis needed to search. And he had. He'd waited every day for every year, waited for him to return. To tell him, 'Hello, love.' And, 'I'm glad you've come back, I was waiting for you.'  
And that it was okay. That he didn't have to regret. That he'd have waited even longer for him to finish running. That he wanted to know if he'd been happy, he wanted to hear about it. He wanted to know if he had felt alive and if he had understood how real he was.  
He had never wanted to lose him.  
But, like passing comets, Louis was a track and his track had burned it's scorching path in and out of his life like was destined, and then back into orbit.  
It hurt. Sometimes. Letting Louis dance. But he understood that the sea couldn't stop it's own tides. That a dancer never lost a graceful stride. That the wind couldn't be bottled. That if Louis needed to recede from the shore, or turn on his heel, or blow away, that Carter would just have to watch him. Because he loved watching Louis run, and he would rather run with him, know the risk of him running away, than never at all.  
He hoped Louis never lost his ocean, that he never lost his dance or the music that made him dance, that he never lost the wind in his lungs.  
That the comet in his sky always returned on time.  
He wouldn't change a thing about Louis Grey.


End file.
